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5:30 P.M.: Hey, Black. I bet you didn’t expect to hear from me tonight, did you? You remember what tonight is, right? The big winter gala? Where everybody who’s anybody is in attendance? Celebrities, war heroes…and, of course, yours truly. I’m sure you’ve heard of this party, right? I mean, even an uncultured philistine such as yourself knows how to read and keep up with the news. I’m also sure you’re wondering where your invitation went. Well, I tried to get my leaders to invite you—sort of as a charity thing, you know, looks really good for the press. But they wouldn’t budge. I guess even they have their limits. So enjoy your frozen pizza and skunky beer while you’re watching a shitty skin flick on Cinemax. I’m going to be wining and dining and bumping elbows with society’s most elite. And maybe, if I’m feeling generous enough, I’ll bring you home a doggie bag of canapés and brie cheese. Get it? Doggie bag? Black, do you get it?
6:45 P.M.: Hey, Black, it’s me again. Guess what? For dinner, we had cranberry salmon with sauteed asparagus and the fluffiest, most buttery mashed potatoes I have ever eaten in my entire life. Honestly, you would have loved it. You probably would have committed a huge social faux pas and asked for seconds or thirds. But I would have saved the day and stopped you from embarrassing yourself. I can’t let even you embarrass yourself in front of everybody. You’re my sworn enemy! If you mess up, it reflects badly on me. Besides, I don’t want anybody talking shit about you. They don’t know you like I do.
7:15 P.M.: They have this really great wine at the gala. It’s from France or Belgium or something? I don’t even know. The sommelier told me while he was pouring me a glass at dinner but I couldn’t really understand him. He used a bunch of words and similes to describe it. He said that the wine tastes rustic? And like cherries that have been frozen in the snow of the Himalayas? I have to admit that even I don’t understand some of this stuff. I think people talk and talk just to hear themselves. It’s kind of self-centered. Anyway, I’ve been drinking this stuff all night. It’s really good. Maybe I can sneak you over a bottle? Would you like that? I think you would like that. I just hope I don’t spill it all over my new Bob Mackie tuxedo. It’s white, of course. I’m sure you’ll see it tomorrow in a newspaper or something. God, I hope I don’t spill wine all over it.
7:20 P.M.: I spilled wine all over my fucking tuxedo.
7:30 P.M.: Great news! One of the waiters gave me a spare white shirt! It’s not as nice as the one I was wearing, obviously, but it gets the job done. I just hope nobody thinks I’m actually working here. That would be embarrassing. Hey, what are you up to right now? How come you’re not picking up the phone? Are you even there?
8:00 P.M.: Cherries in the snow…of the Himalayas…hey, Black, have you ever been to the Himalayas? I haven’t but I read about them. Yetis are supposed to live there. Do you believe in yetis? What do you believe in? Did you believe in Santa as a kid? What kind of presents did you ask for? What kind of cookies did you leave out for him? Answer your phone, please. I want to hear your voice.
8:38 P.M.: Sometimes the world gets too loud. Do you know what I mean? Everybody’s talking at once and you can’t even hear your own thoughts? I was able to sneak away to an empty room, but the reception isn’t great and I think my satphone might drop the connection. So if I suddenly stop talking, you’ll know—
8:45 P.M.: Okay, I found a room with better reception. I didn’t want you to think I hung up on you or something. I’m not that rude, I don’t think. God, there’s a lot of people here. I don’t even recognize half of them. They’re all…foreign dignitaries...rich assholes who think they run the world…I think there’s a couple of kings here. Kings of what? Kings of my ass! Ha! You know what’s funny? I thought for a minute that my parents might be here. I don’t even know what I would do if I ran into them. I can’t remember the last time we talked…
9:00 P.M.: Black, you have my number. Call me. Please. I…I don’t feel too good. I think I drank too much.
10:00 P.M.: I had to sober up quick because my leaders wanted to introduce me to a diplomat who might be willing to help our cause. It was rough, though. I had to concentrate really, really hard but I don’t think I really understood what anybody was saying. It’s fine, though. As long as I just smile and nod and agree, nobody cares. Nobody cares about what I have to say or how I feel about certain things. Sometimes I feel like…like a figurehead or something? Like people only like me for how I look or how I grew up? All those interviews and photoshoots…they weigh on me, you know. It’s hard pretending like I’m this perfect person all the time. I’m not! I spilled fucking wine all over myself and my head hurts! I swear, Black, you’re the only person who knows the real me. I appreciate you far more than you’ll ever know. I hope you’ll see that someday.
10:15 P.M.: Black…Black…Black…I know you’re listening to me. You’re probably sitting by the answering machine listening to me. It makes me feel good to know that I have your undivided attention. To know that you’re hanging onto my every word. I’m going to try and sneak a bottle of this cherry stuff home. I’m going…I’m going to give it to you with a big bow on the neck. You deserve the best, Black, you really do. And sometimes I don’t think I’m all that good to you. I’m really, really sorry.
10:36 P.M.: God, you’re beautiful. You’re, like, the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I really wish you could have been here with me. You could have been my plus one! Can you imagine the looks on my leaders’ faces if I showed up with you, of all people? Oh, my God! They would have laid an egg! A whole dozen eggs! Everybody would have snickered and talked shit about you, but I wouldn’t let them. I would have told them all to shut the fuck up. I would go to the ends of the earth for you, Black. I really would. I would make all your enemies die for their sins. I would fuck up anybody who even thinks about saying one mean word about you. You’re everything to me. Am I everything to you? Do you think about me the same way I think about you? Do you dream about me, Black? I dream about you all the time.
10:52 P.M.: Gala’s winding down…people’re going home…I’ve been leaning against this wall for the last twenty-five minutes because I can’t stand otherwise. I’m full of cherries. Snowy cherries. When it’s springtime, let’s go on a picnic together in the countryside. In a neutral zone where nobody knows who we are. Where we can be anybody we want to be instead of ourselves. I’ll buy a bunch of cherries from the market and I’ll feed them to you one by one. I’ll hold your head in my lap. And you’ll eat them and smile up at me and I’ll take you in my arms like I always dream about. And then…then…we’ll—
“White.”
“Black? Hey, thanks for finally picking up your fucking phone.”
“I was out. Hey, thanks for using up all my answering machine tape. How was the gala?”
“It was…fine.”
“Are you okay? You sound drunk.”
“I’m fine.”
“White…”
“Okay, so I’ve been drinking wine. It’s really fucking good wine, Black. It tastes like cherries in the snow.”
“Cherries in the snow…?”
“I can bring you over a bottle, if you want.”
“White, you didn’t drive there, did you?”
“Maybe…”
“You can’t drive home. You’re drunk off your ass. You’re liable to get into an accident.”
“I’ll just drink coffee. I can sober up in no time.”
“I’m coming to get you. Just hang tight.”
“What about my car?”
“We’ll get it tomorrow. Right now I’m going to take you home and put your ass to bed.”
“I’m not a child.”
“No, but you’re drunk. And you need somebody to take care of your dumb ass.”
“I’m a grown-ass man!”
“White, please. Let me take you home and put you to bed. We can watch movies if you want. There’s a Charlie Chaplin marathon on the classic movie channel right now. You like Chaplin, right?”
“Right. Modern Times is my favorite. When Chaplin and Paulette Godard walk off into the sunset at the end…I always wanted that.”
“I know. Just stay put, White. I’m literally leaving the house right now.”
“Okay. Hey…Black?”
“Yeah?”
“I really missed you tonight.”
“I really missed you, too.”