Evan Hansen's Diary

by ThatoneidiotAvri

Summary:

A diary of emotions and guilt that Evan writes everything in since he was 9 and became unstable.
This is a vent fic.

Chapter 1

Evan Hansen is a smart kid! He reads a lot and understands social cues(?) at the young age of 9! But he's not as good as ################ 

 

It's always the same thing.

 

January 12, 2009

I just watched some kids get into a debate earlier at the park. 

Im not smart enough. I didnt get any of it

Am i even smart?

Why does Jared call me smart?

There's nothing good with me.

Whats wrong with me

I dont understand 

I just want people to think im okay, 

Or even see me

Whats so wrong with that?

I only got a 95 because it was rounded off. I should be 94

I just want to be the best at something. 

Im always just good. Great. 

Never best.

Im not the best at writing. 

I want to be known for something special 

Not just being the weirdo or the guy who reads books. 

Am I even a good kid? What's wrong with me? 

Is this how Jared felt? This is so lame. 

I keep on trying to rationalize it

I can't even understand simple writing 

I want to be seen as smart or competent. 

I'm none of those things.

I'm never cool 

Ill never have friends

The floor feels cold

I dont deserve to eat

I dont deserve my bed