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Sieun figures there has to be a reasonable explanation for it all. Some science for why he’s been acting like this. Sieun is rational, he assesses. It’s a two-pronged problem really.
1) Sieun is in love with Ahn Suho.
2) Sieun does not like their cat.
It starts a little like this.
- Introduction
1.1
Ahn Suho wakes up on a warm spring day in Sieun's final year. He sprints out of his class before the nurse even finishes her sentence on the phone. He knows without looking back that his three idiots are already running right behind him.
They talk, and stare, well Sieun stares. Suho's smile is just the same, his eyes crinkle and his cheeks puff up and god how could Sieun have ever forgotten the shape of this? Of any of this.
When they've both settled right back into their skin, Sieun finally remembers that his friends are standing behind him. So does Suho. He frowns, peering around Sieun. The slight downturn to his lips also feels altogether new. Sieun's sure now, that he'll never stop filing these moments away, will never take another twitch of Suho's face for granted. He might never blink again.
Sieun introduces them all, as they settle on a bench in the hospital garden. The pink cherry blossom petals fall with the wind. Sieun's picked three out of Suho's hair already, even if a part of him likes the look of them gently laid on his hair. The conversation is a little jilted, a little awkward but he appreciates the way his friends try anyway.
Sieun was always so certain that Baku and Suho would get along immediately. But Suho is quiet, which makes Baku quiet, which makes Gotak twitch, which makes Juntae ramble. So somehow, the five of them spend the afternoon in that garden discussing the protagonists of Juntae's favourite Shoujo mangas. It's not how Sieun had ever imagined his first conversation with Suho going after everything. But it's nice.
Eventually Suho loosens, the tension bleeding out of his shoulders somewhere along Juntae's energetic tirade. When Sieun makes a dry comment, he even laughs. Sieun whips his head to the side.
There’s a space, a moment in between it all. This is where Suho would've normally thrown a hand over Sieun's shoulder. Ruffled his hair. Squeezed his shoulder. Sieun realises all this in quick succession right there under the cherry blossom tree. Because Suho does none of those things. And the space between them remains where it is. Heavy, stringent, and entirely solid.
2. Context
2.1
He doesn't notice it at first, not really. The following months are filled with a lot of relearning for both of them. So Sieun doesn't pay it much mind when Suho keeps his distance. Until one day in late December. Suho has been enjoying his time out of the hospital these last few months. He wanders Seoul, cane in hand, determined to relearn the shape of this city he's always called home. Sieun goes with him most days, content to watch, especially now that his exams are over.
Suho lets out a frustrated sigh, "I swear it was just down this street." He spins in a full circle, squinting at the buildings a little further down the road. He's not wearing his glasses. Again. Sieun tamps down the need to point it out. Again. They've had this argument already.
"We must've just missed it."
Suho frowns, "No, I'm sure it’s here. Maybe a little further down, around that corner" Sieun nods and follows alongside him. He doesn't really remember what started this search. They have the best Jjajangmyun in the world Sieun-ah, you'll see. So, here Sieun is, snow falling all around them, the streetlights flickering in intervals, ready to see.
When they turn the corner it’s to the neon lighting of an Arcade, right where he assumes the restaurant once was. Suho's face falls at the sight, the bright reds and blues of the sign out front colour his expression in alternating shades of frustration. He's quick to shake it away, but Sieun notices anyway. Of course he does. He flicks his gaze once between Suho and the sign before saying, "I've never been to an Arcade before."
Suho's attention snaps to him almost immediately, "What? Never?"
Sieun shakes his head. He watches it all play out, the determination forming all along Suho's face. His brow furrows, "Well what are you waiting for? Let's go!" Suho loves showing Sieun things. In particular, Suho loves showing Sieun new things. Sieun’s seen more of the city in these last few months than in all his time living in it, so it’s not a hard thing to do. The Jjajangmyun could’ve been new, but the Arcade will be even more so.
Sieun smiles, and ducks through the door right behind Suho.
Suho is animated again once they're inside, running Sieun through all his favourite games. When Sieun beats him three times in a row at Tekken, he just laughs, delighted. Eventually they end up in line for the bumper cars which Suho excitedly explains were his favourite as a kid. Sieun nods along, he didn't like all of the games at the arcade, but he figures anything that involves getting to bash a plastic car into that annoying group of freshmen in front of them can’t be bad.
The boys up ahead point at Suho and Sieun and make crude gestures, Sieun nearly rolls his eyes at it all. Suho ignores them entirely. Like their presence doesn't even register for him. Sieun envies him that ability, just a little. No matter the school, high school boys remain the same.
When they make it to the front of the line, the tired attendant hands both their helmets to Suho and gestures at the cars they can take. One red, one blue. Sieun doesn't even realise it but he finds himself automatically tilting his head down, facing Suho. He expects that same easy gesture, the helmet settled on his head, a light tap on either side. He waits. When nothing happens he glances up.
Suho’s eyes are wide, his cheeks flush. He quickly deposits the helmet into Sieun's hands and jumps into the red car. His own helmet is on but tilted sideways and barely strapped together.
Sieun stares again, between the helmet in his hands and Suho, centimetres away. Right. He watches that gap for a few moments and realises properly for the first time since Suho has woken up that this is what lies between them. He wants everything to be the same as it was then, but in the glaring space between them, it’s becoming pretty obvious it can’t be.
"Sieun-ah? Come on, get in!"
Sieun shakes his head and places the helmet on, strapping himself into the blue car beside Suho. He returns Suho’s smile quickly and then turns his determined gaze to that gold-chain wearing punk who tried to knock Suho’s cane out of his hand when they were in line.
Sieun's never driven a vehicle before, but he finds ramming things into the side of someone's bumper car is not all too dissimilar from driving a brass knuckle into someone's shin. Once you find a target, it’s really all aim, lock, punch.
2.2
The thing is, once he starts noticing it, he can’t stop. That space between them is in everything. Every action they take, every conversation they have is tinged with that sliver of distance.
Sieun picks at the food in front of him. They’ve all come down to this restaurant for Samgyeopsal by Suho’s recommendation. The food is great, but Sieun finds his appetite dwindling quickly the more he spins their situation round and round in his head.
“You seriously eat like a bird. Do you need someone to feed you, Sieunnie?” Baku’s voice interrupts his train of thought. He laughs at his own joke, even when no one else does. But Sieun finds himself glancing up and locking eyes with Suho instead. Whose only interaction with Sieun tonight has been excessively piling meat onto his plate. Look, it’s not like Sieun misses having handfuls of lettuce-wrapped meat shoved in his mouth by Suho’s hand. He’d always found it annoying. But he likes it more than he likes sitting across from him and working in such tandem that even their chopsticks don’t clink on accident.
He comes to his own little hypothesis sitting at that lopsided wooden table in the corner of the restaurant.
It’s been two years since they really spent any time together. He can’t expect Suho to feel the same way he did before the accident, can’t expect him to act the same either.
He amends.
1) Sieun is in love with Ahn Suho. Suho does not feel the same way.
3. Methodology
3.1
Sieun’s pretty happy with the impasse they’ve reached. Suho is still his best friend and now his roommate. What they have is more than enough for him. They spend most evenings watching TV together, Suho is usually the one who reminds Sieun to eat when he gets a little too lost in his coursework. It’s his first year of University and his mother may be disappointed he chose to pursue Neuroscience instead of Medicine, but she still expects him to excel in every class. If he wants his tuition paid for at least.
So he studies. Suho starts working again, at the restaurant he’d worked at before it all. The auntie who runs the place is thrilled to have him back. It mostly means they get free food a few times a week too.
They’ve settled into an easy routine. Suho still acts like there’s a perimeter around Sieun, and Sieun acts like he doesn’t notice. And then, come April, a full year after Suho’s return to his life, he stops being able to act.
Enter a new variable, cat.
Towards the end of the month, Suho comes home with a stray kitten he’s named Bom. It’s a scrawny little thing, jet black fur and bright green eyes. It’s still shivering inside their flat. Sieun observes it the way one might a bug, then he turns that same gaze on to Suho.
Suho guiltily rocks the towel-covered cat in his arms and then turns to Sieun, head already titled in half-apology. “He had nowhere else to go! He’s so small and he was freezing out behind the restaurant. Can we keep him? Just for a little while?”
He’s holding the cat, under his head, like its big eyes will change Sieun’s mind. “Fine.” They don’t, but Suho’s cow-eyed gaze always will.
Sieun’s not great with animals. He never had a pet growing up, though he’d pleaded once for a turtle before both his parents shut that suggestion down. It’s one of the only things he’d ever seen them agree on. That Sieun, who was sick more often than he was not, would not be able to handle caring for another living creature.
He thinks that might still be the case now. Suho is out shopping for supplies and Sieun just sits on the couch and stares at the latest addition to their apartment. They both just stare at each other. He’s not really sure what he’s supposed to do in this situation, wave?
Introduce himself?
“Hello Bom-ssi, I’m Sieun.” He gestures around the apartment, “I live here, I guess you do too now. Welcome.” Satisfied, he nods and makes his way to the dining table. That’s his job sorted. He goes back to the assignment he’d been working on before Suho’s revelation and tries to focus on the task ahead of him.
It’s a relatively quiet evening by all accounts. Suho comes back, coos over the cat and they all eat dinner. Suho’s a pretty easy roommate, Sieun figures it's not the worst thing in the world that he decided to adopt a cat. Gotak is living with a guy right now who lets his dog poop on their carpet. Indoors. There’s definitely worse arrangements.
He knows they’re adopting Bom anyway, even though Suho keeps saying things like it’s just for a while and only until we find a home for him. He knows Suho well enough to know that the minute he picked Bom up, he was never letting him go.
He adds,
2) They have a cat.
3.2
All in all, not much changes. Sieun mostly just feels like he has two roommates now instead of one. He likes to think of Bom mostly as a little man in a tiny creature’s body. They’re not close, they just live together.
But then there’s the nickname.
Bom is so small he can’t climb anything other than the very last ledge of Sieun’s bookcase. So in the living room, that’s where he stays. Sieun moved his books out of the space once he realised. Bom blends into the shadows of the square space, cowering in the dark so that only his eyes glow across the room.
Suho realises pretty quickly that Bom’s favourite hiding spot is the bookshelf. He’s almost giddy with the knowledge. Every other night, Sieun will catch him trying to coax Bom out of the spot with promises of treats and whatever else his mind can conjure.
“Come on, there’s our little Bomsaengi.” Bookworm. Bom, Beomsaeng. Oh he thinks it’s hilarious, always glancing between Sieun and the cat like they’re all in on some great joke together.
Sieun hates it.
He would sooner take a nosedive off of their balcony than admit it to Suho but, it chafes a little. Before the accident, before everything, Suho had taken to trying on nicknames for Sieun at every occasion.
Bookworm. Nerd. Sieunnie. Baby—
“My baby! You did so well Bom-ah. Here, try this one.” Sieun snaps his book shut and stands up.
Suho pauses from where he’s been peppering kisses on top of Bom’s head and turns to Sieun, cat still in hand. Bom is surprisingly pliant for a stray that had tried to scratch Suho for getting too close just last week. Maybe he’s realised Suho’s no threat. He’s the size of a beanpole but Ahn Suho treats the world with such gentle devotion it’s hard to believe he knows how to fight at all.
“Where are you going, Sieun-ah?”
Sieun-ah. Of course.
“My room.” He waves around the book in his hand. “I have to finish this.”
“Oh, okay.” He smiles again, “I’m making kimchi jjigae for dinner, I’ll come get you when it’s done.”
Sieun nods, but Suho has already turned his attention back to Bom. He heads to his room, and only slams the door a little.
Just a little.
Sieun feels that apathetic nothingness towards Bom sharpen more and more into dislike. He knows it’s silly, he can’t quite understand what it is about Bom that irritates him so much these days. He’s usually great around animals. He respects their space, and they respect his.
This is something different entirely.
With a withering sigh, he amends again.
1) Yeon Sieun is in love with Ahn Suho. Suho does not feel the same way.
2) Sieun does not like their cat.
4. Results & Conclusions
4.1
“Sieunnie, you’re jealous of a cat.” Humin declares this and leans back, arms crossed.
“No, I’m not.”
In their booth at the restaurant, all three of his friends grimace. Suho’s running late so Sieun had decided to ask them about his strange dislike of Bom.
Hyuntak clears his throat, counting off a list on his hands, “You don’t like the nicknames Suho gives Bom. You don’t like that he’s always cuddling with him. You hate when he kisses his forehead or carries him around. Do you see where I’m going with this?”
“No? I just told you all that.”
Hyuntak groans, “What’s common in all of those problems Sieun-ah? Use that big brain of yours.”
“The cat. I literally just said this. Maybe I’m allergic or something.”
“Oh Sieun-ah.” Juntae’s voice is almost pitying.
“Suho! Your problem is Suho!” Hyuntak cuts in, like he can’t help himself.
Sieun sends him a cold glare, “No it’s not! It’s not Suho’s fault that I’m—that he’s—“
Humin slings an arm around Sieun, pulling him closer. He gestures out with his other hand, “It’s like this Sieunnie. When a boy and a boy like each other very much—”
“Oh brother, here he goes.” Hyuntak mutters.
Humin shushes him, “Anyway when a boy and a boy like each other very much, sometimes the boy gets jealous of a cat that’s taking up all the other boy’s time and—”
“Oh, shut up,” Sieun tries to wriggle out of his grip, but Humin’s strength has always been unnatural. He slumps. “That’s not what this is.”
He ruffles Sieun’s hair, and although Sieun usually hates the gesture, this time he lets it slide. The warmth is nice, if anything. “You know Sieunnie, all you have to do is tell Suho—“
“Tell me what?”
Sieun’s head snaps up at the sound, and Humin quickly removes his arm from around Sieun’s shoulders. Suho stands at the edge of the booth, his smile is easy but stiff in all the wrong places. It’s only then that Sieun’s gaze drops to Suho’s chest. Where a dark-haired cat is strapped to his chest in a baby sling.
“Oh you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Sieun mutters. Humin snorts from where he’s sitting next to him but Suho doesn’t hear a thing. He frowns at Sieun, eyes flicking between where Humin and Sieun are wedged together on their side of the booth. He shakes his head and gestures to Bom.
“Isn’t it perfect?” He squishes Bom into a hug, and Sieun pretends the ache in his chest has nothing to do with the sight.
Fine, Sieun is jealous of a fucking cat.
Suho pulls up an extra chair and keeps Bom on his lap, pulling his paws back every time he reaches for the table.
“You brought a cat to a restaurant?” Hyuntak drawls.
“It’s Baku’s restaurant, he doesn’t mind right?” Suho turns both his and Bom’s pleading gaze towards Humin and he caves instantly, one look at Bom.
“Of course! That’s my nephew!” Humin reaches over and pets at the top of Bom’s head. He tolerates it for a grand total of three seconds before hissing at Humin.
Suho laughs, eyes catching Sieun’s for a second before fluttering away.
“Can I?” Juntae asks with a tentative gesture.
Suho smiles, he unwraps the baby sling and tries to shift it to Juntae. “You can try, but he only really likes Sieun.”
Three pairs of eyes snap instantly to Sieun, who spent the last half hour before Suho’s arrival complaining about Bom. He shrinks, “He does not.”
Bom, of course chooses this moment to jump out of Juntae’s hands, onto the table and then right on to Sieun’s lap.
He curls up, digging his paws into Sieun’s pant leg, before settling.
Ugh.
4.2
The frustrating thing is, Bom really does like Sieun. A lot.
Anytime Sieun is home, he trots along behind him no matter where he goes. These days he’s even started following Sieun into the bathroom.
Sieun doesn’t want to find it irritating. Bom is quite cute, he’s not fussy, he never even scratches their furniture. Some nights, when Sieun is up late studying, Bom will curl up on the table next to his notes. The quiet rise and fall of his little body is a calming presence as Sieun wades through his lecture slides.
So it’s nice, sometimes, to have a cat. To have Bom.
Now is just not one of those times.
Sieun reaches around Suho in the kitchen, tired from a day full of revising. He’d been meaning to grab his mug while Suho was doing the dishes. Instead he fumbles and tips right over into Suho’s space.
Suho, who startles so hard he drops the plate he’d been holding and flinches away until he’s practically on the other end of the kitchen.
Sieun surveys the damage now, a broken plate, Suho standing with a whole person’s distance between them, and Sieun frozen with his arm still outstretched.
Right.
He turns the tap off and grabs their dustpan and broom. Sieun’s barely swept one piece up before Suho rushes in, “You’re not wearing slippers Sieun-ah. Sit down, hyung’ll do it.” He grabs the broom from Sieun, somehow ensuring their hands don’t even cross in the exchange. It’s impressive, honestly.
So Sieun heads to the dining table and sits. Bom wanders in at some point and Sieun scoops him up before he steps anywhere near the glass. Idiot. It’s like having a perpetually yeowling baby. He supposes babies are also prone to it all, the yeowling, the endless staring.
Bom watches Sieun from atop the table, they don’t usually let him up here but it's the safest space for now.
Suho snorts when he finishes cleaning up and spots the two of them in a stare-off. Sieun’s been trying to see how long he can go for without blinking. Bom’s won every round so far. Cat eyes.
“Sorry Sieun-ah, I was zoned out. I should’ve paid more attention.”
“It’s fine.”
Suho smiles and then turns his attention to Bom. “And our clever Bomsaengi is here! Of course you figured out you shouldn’t go on the floor over there all by yourself!” He scoops Bom up into his arms in a hug that looks like it squeezes the life out of him.
“He’s not that smart.” Me! I put him there. I’m smart.
Suho laughs, “What?”
“He’s a cat, Suho. He couldn’t have figured out a plate smashed any more than the bird outside our window could.”
Suho starts peppering kisses on top of Bom’s head. “Yes he could, he’s so smart. He’s the smartest bookworm in the world.” Bom surprisingly tolerates all of Suho’s overt displays of affection. Greedy, mangy little—
“Cats don’t have cortexes like people Suho-yah. He has no concept of the past or future or what happened. Only the present.” Sieun doesn’t know why he adds that. It is something he’s read about in one of his classes but really, he just wants Suho to look at him again.
Suho pauses his obnoxious coddling, maybe he can sense the tenseness of Sieun’s words. “Okay, Sieun-ah.”
“Okay, Suho-yah,” Sieun repeats in a voice he’s aware is bordering on petulant.
Suho sighs and puts Bom down, “What’s going on with you?”
“Nothing’s going on with me. I’m fine.”
“I told you not to overdo it with the studying. You haven’t slept properly in days.”
“I’m aware.”
“Sieun-ah, I’m only saying all this because I care about you. Just take a break hm?”
Sieun scoffs, “Lucky me.” He pushes up out of his seat and heads to his room, leaving a bewildered Suho behind.
Lucky Yeon Sieun, his best friend spends all his free time worrying about him and nagging him but jumps back like he’s been electrocuted if Sieun ever—if he gets even close to making contact.
He heads back to his desk, studying is easy, it’s routine. A petty part of him revels in ignoring Suho’s concerns. It’s not like it matters. He’s sure Bom and Suho are cuddled up watching a movie on the couch by now. Completely unaware of the frustrating tears that build up in Sieun’s eyes.
Fuck, it’s a cat. He’s being ridiculous. He wipes at his eyes, more mad than upset.
He’s still sniffling when he hears a knock at the door. “Hey, I’m heading off to work. I’m not trying to nag you Sieun-ah just look after—”
“Bom. I got it.”
“Not what I—” Suho sighs, and Sieun hears it through the door. “Bye Sieun-ah.”
“Bye Suho,” He mumbles out.
4.3
It’s sometime later that he hears soft thuds against the door. He knows what it is before he’s out of his seat.
He swings the door open, stupidly furious again.
Bom stares at him, bright green eyes entirely focused on Sieun. Sieun stares back. This is stupid. He knows it's stupid. But the part of him that aches for Suho's hold can't be reasoned with, not right now. He huffs and points at Bom "Don't come inside." Bom nods like he understands what Sieun's saying, his head tilting a little. But when Sieun starts to close the door, he just slips inside anyway.
“Bom. No. Not right now.”
Bom ignores him, meowing softly and settling on Sieun’s bed. He’s barely curled up before Sieun picks him up and deposits him outside the door.
“Stay out.”
He slams the door shut and slides down with his back to it. Bom paws at the door a few times. Sieun just buries his head in his knees and ignores the noise. Ignores everything that isn’t confined to the texture of his jeans chafing at his cheeks.
He knows he’s being cruel. It’s not Bom’s fault Suho treats him like he’s plagued. It’s not Suho’s fault either.
Sieun has always needed too much. He curls his arms around himself and squeezes, once, twice. He stays like that for a long time, until the ache starts to subside and he feels momentarily himself again.
When he looks at his watch, it’s nearing eight o’clock. He sighs, Bom’s probably hungry.
He wanders out of the room, feeling awful, and tries calling out for Bom. He searches almost every corner of their apartment but finds nothing.
Sieun tries calling out again. “Bom, it’s dinner time. Yah, I’m sorry, I promise I’ll give you an extra treat when—”
His eyes snap to their front door, open.
No.
He and Suho have a poor habit of leaving their front door open, with just the net door closed. They like the breeze it brings. Usually one of them is around to watch Bom throughout the day.
Look after—
Fuck.
Sieun’s been too busy sulking in his room like a child and Bom could be—he could be anywhere by now.
Sieun rushes to the entryway and out the door, barely stopping for his keys. He doesn’t even realise he’s in his house slippers until he’s halfway down the street.
Sieun searches every alley, every nook, every mildly interesting street corner. His mind is in a relentless state of panic. How could he have been so stupid?
Bom may be a stray but they’ve kept him so looked after Sieun’s not sure he’ll remember his way back. Or how to move along roads. God, does Bom know how to dodge cars? There’s so many on their street. It’s a really busy part of town.
“Bom! Please, I’m sorry. Please come back.” His voice cracks at the last sentence. Sieun squats to the ground, sobs wracking his entire body.
5. Discussion
By the time he starts his walk back to the apartment, it’s late into the night.
Suho’s probably back by now.
Sieun scrubs at his face and tries to look presentable. He will take accountability for his actions. If Suho wants to kick him out and never speak to him again, well then, he’ll probably deserve it.
He takes a deep breath and opens their door.
There’s a loud thud and Suho’s sprinting to the entryway. “Sieun-ah! Where were you? I was—” One look at the pure concern on Suho’s face and Sieun crumples.
He’s not sure of half the words that come out of his mouth. Knows he says a lot of I’m sorrys and I’ll find him, on his knees in their tiny entryway.
He keeps blubbering until he feels the first touch of warm hands on either side of his face. Suho stares at him, his expression completely bewildered. He wipes Sieun’s tears away again and again with his thumb and each swipe is blazing on Sieun’s cool skin. He nearly whimpers at the touch.
“What happened, Sieun-ah? Whatever it is I’ll fix it okay? Hyung will fix it just please stop—” But this just makes Sieun cry harder.
Suho pulls Sieun into a hug. Tucks his head right up against his chest so he can hear his heartbeat thumping against his ribs. It’s been years. Years since he felt this. He lets himself melt into the touch. Just for a moment, he wants to let himself have it. Breathe.
A few quiet seconds pass and suddenly Sieun remembers why he’s in this situation in the first place. He rips himself out of Suho’s embrace. How could he deserve it when he—
Suho tries to pull him back but Sieun scoots further away until his back hits the door. He takes a deep breath, Suho deserves a proper explanation.
“I’m so sorry Suho. I—I was being stupid and I didn’t pay attention and—“
“Sieun please, whatever it is—”
“I left the door open and Bom got out because I didn't look after him like you said I should because I was being a jealous idiot.” He forces himself to keep his head upright, to keep his eyes locked into Suhos. “I’m going to go back out there. I’ll find him. I promise.”
Suho stares at him, eyes wide. Suho’s never yelled at him before, Sieun doesn’t think he’s ever seen him yell at any of their friends, he’s not the type. But Sieun figures this situation warrants it. He braces himself.
Suho’s blank expression folds, eyes wrinkling, mouth wide, into a laugh. He’s laughing. At a point he starts laughing so hard he knocks into the wall.
Sieun huffs, “I didn’t think this would be funny to you. Bom could be anywhere and you’re—”
“He’s in the bookshelf.”
“What?”
“Bom. He was hiding in there when I got home. You didn’t check?”
Sieun freezes. In his panic had he really just forgotten to check there? Air rushes into his lungs again. “I must’ve missed it.”
“He’s a real nerd.” Suho’s eyes twinkle with amusement, “Come on, you can apologise all you want to him from the couch.” He stands up, holding out a hand for Sieun to take. Sieun shouldn’t be floored by the action but…It’s been years since they’ve been here too. He takes it.
When Sieun spots Bom he all but runs to the shelf. Bom is, for his part, perfectly happy to see Sieun. He clambers into Sieun’s lap without hesitation. Sieun stares in wonder for a second before pulling him into his arms. He presses his cheeks on top of Bom’s head and breathes properly for the first time that night. “I’m so sorry Bom-ah. I was mean. You didn’t deserve that.”
Bom meows and nuzzles against Sieun's neck.
“He’s not mad at you Sieun-ah. I’ve heard cats don’t have cortexes like humans. He’s not holding a grudge because you needed a little space.” Sieun ignores him in favour of burrowing himself into this tiny creature in his arms. Who trusts him so implicitly. Who forgives without reason even when all Sieun has been is at best cold and at worst…cruel.
“So, jealous huh?” Suho starts, Sieun can practically hear the laugh in his voice.
“I never said that.” Sieun gently lays Bom back down, allows him to wander back into his spot in the shelf.
“I don’t know, I thought I heard you say you were jealous of Bom.”
“No.”
“Sieun-ah.”
“That never happened.”
Suho grins, “Oh, does our Yeon Sieun just need someone to carry him around? Get him treats? Should we make you a bed on the shelf next to—”
Suho’s always known how to rile him up. Sieun bursts before he can really think about what he’s saying, “Oh like you could get close enough to me to try!”
Suho frowns from his place on the couch, “What does that mean?”
Sieun scoffs, “Suho we don’t have to talk about this. It’s fine.”
Suho grabs his wrist when he makes to leave, “I want to talk about it. What did you mean?”
There's no way to say you don’t touch me anymore without sounding pathetic so he stays silent.
Despite everything, Suho’s always had an uncanny skill for reading Sieun. “Because I don’t hug you? Like I hug Bom?” He starts hesitantly.
“Because you act like there’s a three-foot wall between us no matter what we’re doing Suho! You have ever since…” He trails off.
“Since I woke up.”
Sieun nods.
“I didn’t mean to. At least, not on purpose. I just—I didn’t know how to act around you anymore.”
“All you had to do was act the same Suho-yah. I didn’t want anything to be different.”
“But it was different! Everything was, you were too!”
“What?”
“The Sieun I knew used to glare at anyone who got too close to him. He would wear earphones without playing music just so people wouldn’t talk to him. Suddenly you were best friends with a million guys from Eunjang—”
“Three. I made three friends.”
“Three guys who would touch your hair and keep their arms around you all the time! And you let them! I thought I was the only one you let—I thought that was our thing!” Suho’s pouting, and if Sieun wasn’t so suddenly struck with relief, at understanding Suho’s actions this last year, he would’ve laughed.
“So you were…jealous too?”
Suho crosses his arms and looks away muttering, “Not of a cat.”
“Same idea.”
Suho sighs, “Then yeah, I guess. I just…I woke up and everything was different. I didn’t know where I stood with you. We’d only known each other a month before—What if I was just some guy from your old school? What if—”
Sieun throws himself into Suho’s chest before he can finish the sentence, hands wrapping around his side. Suho catches him with a startled oomph. “You were never just some guy for me. Suho you—” Sieun burrows further into his chest, before he loses the courage to speak again he says, “You’re the reason I started living. Before I met you, all I did was study. I didn’t care about anything, I didn’t even really care about my grades, I just cared what my parents thought of them.”
“Sieun you don’t have to—”
Sieun squeezes Suho tighter, “Just shut up and listen. You changed everything for me Suho. You want to know how I became friends with those three? I saved Juntae from a bully by telling him not to cross the line because I thought it’s what you would’ve done. First thing I noticed about Gotak was that he talks like you, the way he swears when he’s mad. He’s loyal just like you. Took a blow for his friend just like—” Sieun clears his throat. “And Baku, he lost someone, just like I had. I’m lucky I got you back Suho-yah. Everywhere I went, every corner I turned, all I could see was you. The day you woke up… How could you be just some guy for me Suho? When you woke up, my world started up again.”
“Sieun… “ Suho’s voice sounds punched out, hollow. He gently pulls Sieun out of his arms, his eyes searching Sieun’s face.
When they lock eyes, Sieun panics. “It doesn’t have to mean anything if you don’t—Just, you’re my best friend—”
“I love you.”
Oh.
Sieun blinks at him. Blinks some more.
Suho’s eyes widen in concern as Sieun just stares, and stares. He can’t move, he hadn’t taken this into account at all. Absentmindedly, he thinks his hypotheses should be amended again. Ahn Suho does feel the same way.
Huh.
Suho reaches forward to cup Sieun’s face in his hands. Sieun tries not to melt into the touch. He tries. “Is that okay?” Suho asks, brows furrowed.
“Is it okay?” Sieun repeats.
“That I love you.”
“You love me…”
“Sieun-ah we’re not going to get anywhere if you keep—”
Sieun snaps himself out of his daze long enough to answer, “Yes. It’s good. That’s good, because… I love you too.”
Suho leans forward, their foreheads touching. Sieun’s senses are overwrought by the sheer amount of Suho surrounding him. “Hey, can I kiss you?”
Sieun stares at his lips, and nods. Before he can flick his eyes up again, Suho surges forward. Their lips meet a little clumsily. It’s clear neither of them have done this before. But in a few seconds, they adjust. Suho’s hand curls around the back of his neck, pulling him closer with a tug on the shorn hair at his nape. Sieun wraps his arms around Suho’s neck. They fall into a rhythm. If Sieun thought holding Suho’s hand filled him with warmth, this is something else entirely. He’s molten to his very core, focused on nothing but Suho’s soft lips between his own. He wants to reach further, get closer. He’s practically clambered into Suho’s lap.
A loud mewl interrupts them. They spring backwards, Sieun knocks hard into the arm of the couch. They lock eyes and turn in slow horror to the coffee table, where Bom has been sitting the entire time.
“Was he watching the whole time?” Suho hisses.
“How would I know? He gets his nosiness from you!”
Suho gasps dramatically, “Well he’s got your eyes!”
Sieun glares at him, “I do not have cat eyes.”
Suho just points between him and Bom, “See? You’re making the exact same expression right now.”
“Shut up.”
“Two Beomsaengs with big round eyes.” He says it like he’s supposed to be annoyed but it mostly just comes off fond.
“Is that why you call him that?”
Suho grins, “Oh you hated that too didn’t you? Were you jealous?”
“No.”
“Sieunnie it’s okay.” He makes grabby hands at Sieun who half-heartedly swats them off. “Hyung’ll make more time for you hm?” He eventually succeeds in pulling Sieun back into his lap. “I never stopped caring about you, you know that right baby?” He holds Sieun’s face between his hands again.
Sieun feels his face heat at the endearment, “I know”. The way Suho’s grin only gets wider, he knows he must be turning a ridiculous shade of red.
Suho presses a soft kiss to his nose, “Baby?”
At the mewl that leaves Sieun, half embarrassed, half annoyed, Suho laughs. His only answer is to pepper kisses all around Sieun’s face. “You can’t be this cute Sieun-ah. I’ll die.” His cheeks, his closed eyelids, and finally when Suho kisses his forehead and lingers, Sieun opens his eyes. His arms are wound around Suho’s shoulders as he stares, blinking a little slowly.
Sieun’s pretty sure he could fall asleep here, this instant. He’s so warm and content. It’s not that he didn’t know what he’d been missing before. But knowing and having are so entirely different.
In his dreams, Suho holds him.
Here, now, they hold each other.
Sieun moves so their foreheads touch, noses brushing. Suho’s eyes are molten as he asks, “We’re okay?”
Sieun hums, “We’re okay.”
They have maybe two more minutes of this before Bom gets bored of sitting on the coffee table and decides he prefers the couch instead. They might all sit down and watch a movie, Sieun knows he could use the break. He and Suho can hold hands under a shared blanket. Bom squished somewhere between them.
It sounds nice. All of it.
He lets himself settle against Suho, nothing between them but the rustle of fabric and the skin of their fingers, interlocking over and over again.
6. Conclusion
Sieun’s findings are as follows.
1) Yeon Sieun is in love with Ahn Suho. Suho does not feel the same way. Suho does feel the same way. They’re dating now. Their friends think they’re obnoxious, but Sieun is too fond of his boyfriend to really care.
2) Sieun does not like their cat. Sieun likes Bom quite a lot. He’s quickly become Sieun’s favourite companion. Bom mostly just likes to sit next to Sieun as he studies. It helps him breathe sometimes, watching Bom at his side. Suho jokes that they’re really starting to resemble each other, but Sieun thinks he still has a thing or two to learn from Bom, about forgiveness, about acceptance, about love, in all its forms. He’s quite smart all things considered. Bookworm.