Work Text:
Statement of one so-called "IdioticBirb", regarding their strange bug infestation. Original statement given April 8th 2026. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.
Statement begins:
"I'm not even sure what to tell you. It seems a little silly now that I'm here; I'm not entirely sure this is in your remit and I'm terribly sorry if I am wasting your time...but I 𝘢𝘮 here now and so I'll tell you my tale. Once I'm done I'm sure you'll have a good time calling me idiotic and a paranoid timewaster, maybe you'll give me a good exterminator recommendation- possibly a recommendation of some medication- or maybe just a pep talk- and I'll be on my merry way.
I guess all this rambling apology truly is just a waste of time though. I'll get on with it now.
I'm not sure when it began but these past couple years I've been almost... haunted, by these strange bug-things. I'll be minding my own business, normally heading to the toilet or something and I'll look down on my bathroom floor and there one will be. It's always just one bug. They never appear in multiples and whenever I see one it's usually weeks-or months even- before I see another. But they appear. No matter the weather or the season, they appear. From nowhere. I have no clue how they get in, or what creature they even are.
They have a remarkably flat head which is large on the end of a streamlined body which looks like one long tail. They don't look complete, their parts just ever so mismatched but painted over in that same dark tan colour- with just a hint of off putting green- that they always are to make them look like one coherent creature. They're small, yet they run so so fast- like a lot of small things seem to do i suppose- but these seem faster than any other creature of their size and they don't look like they were much built for running. They twist and turn and wriggle and 𝘸𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘦 about the place and seem almost out of control of themselves whenever they move. But mostly they don't move. Mostly they stare, or they give the impression of staring, of waiting...
What for I don't know. I think it's their deaths. I mean it always ends up being their deaths. Everytime I see one I instinctually reach for a tissue and squash it against the tiles without even thinking about it properly. This is probably why I still don't know what manner of creature they are, I kill them too quickly to get a proper look at them, or take a photo to look them up. I don't know where to begin finding out what they are as I think I'd sound strange going up to even the weird bug enthusiasts out there and telling them that description that I've just told you. Mind you that is sort of why I'm here, telling you all this. That doesn't matter, going back to their deaths: everytime I kill one and I check the tissue (why I check it is beyond me, but I do), they seem to have turned into ash, thick, grey, dusty, ash. Maybe that's normal for bugs, I don't know, I try my hardest not to kill bugs which is what makes this whole thing even stranger. I've never once tried to pick one up and put it out the window. I think I'd fail even if I tried because they're so darned fast and wriggly, but I've never 𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦 tried to save one. Not even trap it under a glass- of which I have many in my bathroom, some for decor and some for growing plants in. Never once. How I know that is beyond me too because I don't remember exactly when I first started seeing these bugs, but I remember that I killed the first one I saw, and I have killed all the others since. And each time their bodies disintegrate into a small pile of ash..."
Statement ends.
This... IdioticBirb, as they wish to be known by, returned to the institute later that week reporting their house was "in flames" when they got back. Curiously, the fire department found the source of the fire to be their bathroom...
I assume they saw more than a _small_ pile of ash that day, and that they no longer have this strange infestation problem.
End recording.