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It’s funny sometimes, when a person grows up and looks around at where they are. To consider where someone came from, to consider all the different places they ended up being throughout their life, and then to see the way they finally settled.
…Has Jason settled?
He was… settling. Maybe. Kind of?
A few years ago he was in his grave. Not one-foot-in-his-grave or any of those stupid sayings. He was dead. And then he wasn’t. For a long while being brought back sucked even more than choking on ash in a crumbling building ever did.
He made a lot of choices. Bruce would call them “bad” choices. Jason would call them right choices. His “villainous tendencies” had settled, at least, even if the rest of Jason was still getting there.
He wasn’t a mob boss any more. He was an… antihero? Weren’t they all antiheroes of sorts? Vigilantism was against the law, after all.
Whatever. It didn’t really matter. All that did matter was that Jason was a little less violent than he had been a few years ago. He was a little less angry. He was a little less unstable.
…Actually, he was a lot less unstable. Not even in, like, an emotional sense. But overall. He kept a fairly regular schedule. He cooked, cleaned, and even ate his vegetables every now and again.
He split his time between his own apartment in Gotham and Roy’s place in New York. Roy would visit Jason as much as Jason visited Roy, too. The two of them had managed a stability between each other that a freshly-resurrected-Jason would have never been able to imagine for himself.
Jason had run away from Roy before. He tried to push Roy away, too. For a while, he really thought it worked. Only the words of capes was really just a small town. Black Sheep were an even tighter knit community. Jason and Roy could only avoid each other for so long. They couldn’t seem to actually stay out of each other’s proximity, and when proximity is paired with history it brings about an infectious sort of comfort.
It started with crashing on couches. Roy being over in Gotham to work a case, Jason heading to New York to somehow wind up at Lian’s birthday party of all things, small moments of running into each other turned into “it’s late now, might as well stay the night,” turned into actually planning meet ups and weekends together, turned into a habit of orbiting around each other until there wasn’t a chance to deny they were trapped in each other’s gravity. There wasn’t a need to make plans anymore, nowadays it was just expected for them to show up.
At some point between the late nights and early mornings “you used to be my best friend” turned back into “you are my best friend.” Along the same journey “you used to be my partner” turned back into “we are partners,” and then partners started to mean something a little more.
As their aching, aging, fully human bodies felt the wear and tear of years of vigilantism catch up to them, “let me crash on your couch” turned into “we can share the bed.” Too many adrenaline fueled nights that lead to only one way that they knew how to blow off steam. Too many gentle mornings where they sent soft gazes each other’s way. He’s not really sure when Jason and Roy became JasonAndRoy but he was absolutely positive that their relationship was the best thing that ever happened to him.
It was easy, natural, to build something real with Roy. They just kinda fell into it with each other. It happened without profound declarations or even any works at all. What they had was comfortable, what they had felt right, and maybe somewhere down the line they would have a conversation about how they each kept one foot in their own cities and one foot in the other’s, but for now what they had was good. Things were gonna keep moving forward but Jason found he wasn’t in a rush to get there. He was more than willing to enjoy the slow and easy process of building what he had with Roy.
And it was easy. The way they supported each other was easy. The way Jason cooked for them was easy. The way Jason accepted the small gadgets and tools Roy would build for him was easy. The way Roy would occasionally throw an arm around Jason’s shoulder during tired afternoons on one of their couches was easy. The way they kissed and then fell into bed together was always so damn easy.
Jason truly loved kissing Roy. Roy kissed with as much focus and precision that he used out in the field. He often would put so much fight into a kiss and Jason was always willing to give as good as he got. But right now?
Right now Roy was kissing him differently. Not bad different, just different. It had been a long night. Roy joined Jason in a Gotham patrol and things had gotten a little messy towards the end. Nothing too concerning, or too serious, but the close calls were enough where Jason saw a thick layer of tension sit upon Roy’s shoulders. The best thing to do was give his partner a slight nudge to the shoulder and tell him they needed to go home.
Home, where Jason could kiss the worries out of Roy’s mind. Home, where Jason could press their chests together so that their heart beats in time. Home, where they could taste their breaths mingling and remind each other that they were still breathing.
Only Roy wasn’t kissing in the devouring desperation Jason was used to when they first got in after a night on patrol. Roy was kissing Jason in the same way he did after they had been home for a while and were gasping for breath between dirty and damp sheets. Roy’s current kisses were slower, more savoring. It wasn’t a soft kiss, nor was it gentle, but it didn’t feel hungry either.
Roy had one hand firm around Jason’s hip and the other clasped at the back of Jason’s head. When Roy threaded his fingers through Jason’s hair he didn’t give a playful tug to try and tease a gasp out of Jason. Instead, Roy just pushed as if he was trying to pull Jason to being even closer.
Jason followed, of course. He leaned even more into Roy as he practically laid on top of the other man. Jason tried, for a minute, to encourage a bit more tongue shared between them. He tried to drag his fingers up Roy’s sides and drag Roy’s shirt along with it, but Roy moved his hand off Jason’s hip to grab his wrist instead.
The grip was tight, tight enough that Jason tried to pull back a bit and check in. Roy surged upwards first, though. He rolled them over so that he was the one leaning up over Jason.
“Roy-” Jason let out a breathless call of Roy’s name as his back hit the bed. Roy swallowed it down earnestly. He kept careful control of their kiss, still stopping Jason from pushing for more. He took his hand on Jason’s wrist and shifted, entwining their fingers together as he pinned Jason’s arm down.
Jason couldn’t make sense of the situation. Roy seemed just as desperate and needy as ever but for as tightly as he gripped Jason he still wasn’t actually pushing for more. He was clinging, of course. Roy was the clingiest motherfucker Jason knew, but he didn’t seem to be expecting their making out to lead to sex. If anything, he seemed like he didn’t want it to lead to sex.
And that was fine. Really. It was just a small bit confusing. For as clingy and physically affectionate as Roy was, they really didn’t kiss much outside of times leading to, during, or right after sex. Hell, the first time they hooked up —giving rushed, slightly-too-dry handjobs to each other after a stressful case they spent arguing at every turn— they hadn’t even kissed at all.
Over the past five months where their relationship grew from friendship into this newer, bigger thing, Jason couldn’t help but notice how surprisingly physically distant Roy was as a partner. The sex was great, of course, and Roy’s kisses were the best that Jason had ever tasted, but in general Roy grew no more touchy than when he and Jason were just friends.
It was a little annoying, even. Jason was too prideful and stubborn to admit that sometimes he craved a contact that lingered. Sometimes, when Roy threw his arm around Jason in a bro-hug instead of a deep embrace, Jason couldn’t help the pouty way he shoved away from the touch which wasn’t enough. Sometimes, Jason would hope that Roy would pull him in for a cuddle instead of just letting them sit with their sides pressed together. Sometimes, he wanted Roy to just kiss him in a way that wasn’t directly correlated to sex.
Jason tried, sometimes, to give a gentle kiss that would lead to nothing more. But Roy would always assume Jason’s initiation of affections was a request for taking things further and honestly Jason was too weak and wanting to ever say no when his partner leaned into him. Roy was hot and Jason would take a drawn out hour of kissing and sweating and touching and holding each other over a single small, gentle press of their mouths any day of the week.
Jason wouldn’t push Roy beyond what he was wanting and neither would Roy. If Jason ever didn’t want sex he knew that Roy would let him stop. But Jason was always greedy and needy and wanting so the order to stop never came. Now, though, Jason couldn’t help but smile a bit into their kiss.
Right now it seemed like Roy didn’t want sex, but he still wanted to be close. He wanted to stop at kissing but he didn’t want to stop kissing. Maybe patrol tonight had shaken him up more than Jason realized, but whatever the reason Jason felt himself relax with a sigh. As he moved his lips against Roy’s, he tightened his own fingers where Roy was holding his hands.
It was a promise: I got you, you got me. We’re here. We’re real. We’re gonna be okay.
Roy sighed as he fell a little to the side. For a moment his forehead rested heavy on Jason’s shoulder. Roy laid there and just breathed deep and heavy. Jason tried to give his hand what he hoped was a reassuring squeeze to his hand.
It was like the action spurred Roy into action. Small kisses pressed to Jason’s collarbone grew heavier, headier, until Roy was sucking a small red mark at the base of Jason’s neck. The pressure was amazing, but the action was still half-distracted. Roy knew that kissing Jason didn’t need to lead to sex, right? He clearly wasn’t up for it right now, so why did he keep trying to make himself push for more?
He had to know that this was enough, didn’t he? Jason and Roy, together, alive. Emphasis on together.
“Hey,” Jason asked as Roy half-heartedly attempted to drag his teeth down the skin of Jason’s neck.
“Yeah?” Roy asked through a breath of air.
Jason reached up with his free hand to push back lightly against Roy’s chest as he quietly asked, “You okay?”
Roy all but whined as he folded his nose back into the crook of Jason’s neck. He refused to be pushed back, if anything he was clinging to Jason even tighter.
“Come on, Harper,” Jason tried again to encourage Roy to back up just a bit, “Let me check in.”
He was getting a little worried now, a feeling which only grew when he had just enough space between them that he could properly look at Roy. He looked ragged, not in a post-kiss-bliss kind of way, but in a way that Jason recognized as stressed and worried and worked up in a very not sexy way.
Jason lifted his hand that wasn’t pinned down to cup Roy’s face and guided them into eye contact as he asked, “What’s wrong?”
Roy squeezed his eyes shut at Jason’s contact. Still, he turned his head to press into the touch. With a breathless sigh Roy whispered, “You called this home.”
“I-” Jason furrowed his brows in confusion as he went to pull back even more, “What?”
Before Jason could fully retreat the hand he cradled Roy’s face with, Roy reached up to catch it. Holding it in place, still pressing into the touch yet again, and still with his eyes closed shut he said with a little more force behind his words, “You called this, here, home.”
Jason pulled his hand away from Roy’s face and did his best to rip his other from Roy’s hold. He needed to sit up. He needed to have a little bit more of a grasp on whatever the fuck was happening. Roy was freaking out …because Jason had called this home?
“I, uh,” Jason shook his head a bit as he shifted in the bed, shuffling into an upright position, “I didn’t mean to, I guess.”
For a moment Roy was just sitting a few inches away from Jason in bed, blinking up at the ceiling as if steeling himself for whatever was to come.
Then, his voice broke slightly as he said, “I can’t do this.”
“Wha- Roy!” Jason’s stomach dropped as Roy moved to stand up. Jason rushed to try and catch him but Roy was already standing, already pacing.
“I’m sorry,” Roy apologized as he dragged a hand down his face, “I just can’t.”
“Can’t-? Hey, wait,” Jason stood up himself and put a hand on Roy’s shoulder to make the other man look him in the eye. This was… not the conversation Jason expected to have tonight.
Jason and Roy haven’t talked about where their relationship was going, but Jason had felt safe in his assumption of where it would lead. Splitting times between cities wouldn’t be sustainable forever. Jason wasn’t ready to leave Gotham, not yet, but he was open to the possibility down the line. But maybe…
Maybe Roy hadn’t been thinking about this as a long term thing?
No, that would be ridiculous. Roy and Jason fit together seamlessly. Their relationship had been the most natural thing, it had been the first thing in Jason’s life that just properly clicked.
Maybe Roy just assumed Jason meant this Gotham apartment was home. Maybe he assumed Jason wouldn’t be open to New York down the line. Jason could salvage that, “I mean, I know you like your place in New York and everything but-”
“Jason,” Roy tried to interrupt but Jason wasn’t done.
“I just fucking meant to get off the streets and head back to wherever we were spending the night together,” He explained.
“Jason.”
“No, fuck this,” Jason snapped, growing more frustrated at how Roy kept trying to pull away whenever Jason tried to move closer, “I don’t get why you’re freaking out and-”
“Jay!” Roy cried out. The sudden raised volume was enough for Jason to snap his mouth shut with an audible click to his jaw. He waited to hear Roy out. Roy, who looked embarrassed and ashamed. Roy, who was still barely willing to meet Jason’s eye. Roy, who wore a frown when he finally quietly whispered the words, “I love you.”
Oh.
They’d never really said it out loud before, have they? Jason knew this was a big deal to a lot of people. It was probably a big deal to Roy, the first “I love you” told to his partner. And Jason could admit to himself that it actually did feel really nice to hear, but he hadn’t anticipated Roy making this big of a deal over it.
It’s been nice, the past few months, to let this new dynamic grow into love. Five months didn’t feel too soon at all for love, especially when considering the additional years of friendship Jason and Roy shared. Love snuck up on Jason as naturally as the rest of his relationship with Roy did, he just didn’t realize Roy was looking for it to be actually spoken out loud. He thought they were both comfortable with all the deeper layers of affection left unsaid by words but reaffirmed through their actions.
Apparently, Jason was wrong. Apparently, the first “I love you” spoken out loud was a big deal for Roy, if he was acting this freaked out over this. It wasn’t as if Jason hadn’t already known Roy loves him, so he didn’t really understand the full extent of Roy’s dramatics. Roy was pulling away almost as if he expected to be rejected somehow.
…He had to know Jason loved him back, hadn’t he?
I love you too, dipshit, the words were on the tip of Jason’s tongue but when he opened his mouth he found himself utterly unable to speak. His voice felt incredibly dry, almost burning as Jason opened his mouth and nearly choked on a breath.
“I’m sorry,” Roy mumbled to the floor after Jason stayed silent for just a moment too long.
“What?” Jason’s suddenly dry throat finally let a word escape.
Roy swallowed and nodded to himself, as if accepting a cruel fate, then began to say in a strained voice, “I know we’ve been doing this friends-with-benefits thing for a while” —What?— “But I just… I can’t do this anymore.”
“What the fuck?” Jason couldn’t keep the sudden white-hot anger out of his voice.
Roy flinched at his tone and muttered out yet another, “I’m sorry.”
“We’re friends-with-benefits,” Jason repeated. He knew for a fact that he heard Roy correctly the first time and yet… And yet he couldn’t let himself believe it.
Friends-with-benefits? Friends-with-benefits! Roy thought that throughout all this time he and Jason were nothing more than a couple of fuck buddies? Has Roy been fucking other friends over the last few months?
“I know,” Roy confirmed solemnly. Then, sounding so damn resigned, he added, “I should go.”
Jason’s anger somehow doubled.
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
Roy’s posture took on a defensive edge as he said, “I just can’t keep acting like this is all nothing.”
Nothing?
Roy thought that these past few months were supposed to have been nothing? The dinners Jason cooked for them, the nights they spent in bed together, the way they fucking grocery shopped together, the times that Jason spent with Roy’s fucking daughter whenever she was visiting Roy instead of doing whatever junior hero work she was getting wrapped up in… All that was supposed to have been nothing?
“Roy, we-” have been dating for months, Jason wanted to say, but he found the words catching in his throat with that same burning dryness as before.
“You and I-” are in a relationship, he tried again, but the words choked off as the fire in his throat grew brighter.
“What the fuck?” Jason whispered the question, and this time the words didn’t cut off at all.
“I mean, you don’t need to act like it’s so hard to believe,” Roy said with a frown, “I know you don’t feel the same, but-”
“No, I-” love you, too, asshole. The fire was back. Each time it resurfaced it hurt even more. Jason rubbed at his neck and commented out loud, “I’m confused.”
“It’s okay, I get it,” Roy assured, despite the fact he certainly did not get it. Then he looked back towards the door again and said with a sad smile, “I think I just need a little space for a bit, yeah?”
“No,” Jason said firmly.
“No?”
“No, I-” want you to stay. Jason’s voice failed him again.
“We-” aren’t just friends. The pain was growing to be excruciating.
Jason wasn’t a crier, but for a moment he really wished he was. It probably would bring a little relief to feel some tears fall down his cheek. His boyfriend wasn’t his boyfriend, apparently, but was trying to leave. Roy was going to leave because he loved Jason. How fucking ridiculous was that? Roy was so fucking stupid for all this. Jason was so fucking stupid to have read everything so wrong but…
But Jason hadn’t read anything wrong. Roy loved him, Jason loved Roy. Roy was the one who was now twisting the deep, beautiful thing between them into nothing.
Every time Jason tried to say something that would help them talk, would maybe convince Roy to stay, would at least let Jason scream at Roy for being such a fucking dumbass, the words were replaced by such horrible pain burning in Jason’s throat. If there was ever a time to cry, it should’ve been then. But Jason was too stubborn to shed any tears. Instead, he begged his voice not to fail him as he tried to speak again, “Something’s wrong.”
“Jay?” Roy showed a little more concern again as he stepped closer.
“It’s like…” Jason took a moment to think and choose his words carefully, “It’s like a fucking spell or something. Mind control?”
Roy immediately frowned. He scoffed at Jason before scolding, “Don’t do that.”
“I’m serious-”
“Well so am I, asshole!” Roy snapped, “Don’t make a fucking joke about this! I’m not under some spell or control or-”
“Roy, wait,” Jason was desperate for everything to just slow the fuck down and start making even a little bit of sense.
Roy didn’t seem as keen to stop and try and figure things out.
“I really need to go, man,” Roy said with a heavy sigh, “I just need a little time.”
No. No, Roy didn't get time for dumbassery or any stupid shit like that.
“Something is fucking wrong!” Jason yelled. He gripped his hair tightly and pulled in his own frustration.
“Seriously, I just-”
“With me, dumbass!” Jason clarified, “I can’t say I-” love you. “I can’t talk about-” our relationship.
The fire was back and it was painful and Jason really wanted to scream. He didn’t, though, he just let out a breathless whisper of a curse, “Fuck.”
“Jason?”
Roy was suddenly a lot more gentle. He took a step closer to Jason, concerned expression on his face, and reached his hand towards Jason’s shoulder. The hand hesitated, hanging in midair for a moment before it dropped back to Roy’s side before he actually made contact. He wanted space.
Fine, then.
“Fuck, just go,” Jason chose to believe the strained crack in his voice came from the burning agony inside his throat and not from the harsh emotions pulling him a million different directions.
“Wait, what’s going on?” Roy asked, still gentle and concerned and as cruel as he’s ever been. How dare he show Jason kindness now? How dare he pretend he still wanted to care?
“I told you I don’t know,” Jason spat through gritted teeth. He began rubbing at his neck, trying to ease and sooth his throat from the lingering phantom of pain.
“Are you hurt?” Roy asked as he reached out again. This time Jason pulled away before Roy could make contact.
“I told you to go,” Jason said as he jerked back, “I can’t deal with this and you right now.”
“Oh, fuck you!” Roy rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest defensively, “Unless you’re actively dying you don’t get to be mean about this right now.”
“I can be as pissed as I want that-” you think that I don’t love you.
When the words caught this time Jason began to hack out rough coughs. Wet coughs, loud coughs, long coughs. Every raspy attempt for air was a heaving gasp for oxygen that would be immediately forced back out of his lungs as he doubled over to hold his own knees for support to stay upright.
Roy was at Jason’s side, trying to keep him from falling over with the intensity of the coughing. At some point a gentle hand was rubbing small circles on Jason’s back in an attempt to ease the coughing fit. Jason didn’t have the strength or stability to stop it then.
“Shit, dude,” Roy softly whispered as Jason finally caught his breath.
Jason sent a sideways glare towards Roy from where he was still doubled over and accused, “I don’t know how, but this is your fault.”
Roy’s defensiveness immediately overtook his worry once again as he questioned, “Are you kidding me right now?”
“No,” Jason answered easily, “You suck and I can’t even tell you how fucking mad I am.”
“The fuck are you mad for?” Roy yanked his hand off of Jason —who pretended his back wasn’t immediately icy cold at the lack of contact— as he exclaimed in exasperation, “You think I want to have feelings for you?”
Ow.
That hurt more than the burning in his throat. Learning that he and Roy have not been on the same page about their relationship was hard enough. Hearing that Roy didn’t want there to be any relationship at all felt like its own special kind of agony. It would’ve been one thing if this was all just some dumb miscommunication, but Roy kept trying to leave. Roy had feelings for Jason, but he didn’t want those feelings. He wanted space, wanted to leave, wanted to move on.
Jason thought of his feelings for Roy as such a precious, wonderful thing. Roy clearly thought of his feelings for Jason as burdensome and ugly. Jason felt choked up in his throat —without the burning this time— as he muttered the words, “You’re a real piece of shit. You know that, Harper?”
“Yeah, well…” Roy trailed off, resigned. Tired, clearly so fucking tired, he was pulling his phone out of his pocket.
It must be exhausting to love Jason, huh? Roy could hardly be blamed for realizing it isn’t worth it.
“What are you doing?” Jason asked.
“Calling Dick.”
No.
“Don’t-”
“Well, someone’s gotta help you,” Roy pointed out before Jason could tell him to put the damn phone down.
“And you still wanna leave,” Jason observed bitterly. Because someone had to help Jason, but that someone wouldn’t be Roy. Jason didn’t want to deal with his brother right now, he wanted his boyfriend to stop acting so fucking stupid. But Roy wasn’t his boyfriend anymore. Roy had never been Jason’s boyfriend in the first place.
“Jason, I-” Roy cut himself off. He took a deep breath, then sounding almost desperate he begged, “Don’t make this harder than it needs to be, okay?”
How in the world is letting you walk away supposed to be easy?
“Fine,” Jason huffed out. He sat back down on the bed and hung his head in his hands, completely defeated. If he were a braver man he'd be able to admit he was a little heartbroken, too. But he wasn’t brave, he was pissed and in pain so he kept dismissing Roy, “Whatever. Your call. Tag Dick in to deal with me then leave.”
“Jason…” Roy sighed like he was tired, like he had already stayed longer than he wanted, which he had, “I just want to make sure you’re gonna be okay.”
“I’ll survive,” Jason grumbled.
“Are…” Roy hesitated, “Are we gonna be okay?”
Jason lifted his head to look at Roy, who was standing at the door awkwardly shifting his weight as he wore an expression of cautious concern. How could a man so beautiful be so fucking mean?
“Honestly, Harper?” Jason asked. He waited for Roy’s small nod of confirmation before he fully answered, “Right now, I really don’t know.”
Roy stayed until Dick showed up. Their company was shared in tense, uncomfortable silence with far too much space between them until Dick’s knock came at the door. Roy didn’t linger any longer. He just left.
Of course he left.
Bastard.
In the end, it took three days to figure out. Three days of Roy only asking for updates through Dick, refusing to communicate with Jason at all. Three days of Dick sending Jason pitying looks and trying to puzzle-out whatever was (wasn’t) going on between him and Roy. Three days of a terrible fire burning in Jason’s throat whenever he tried to put into words his feelings for Roy, his relationship with Roy, almost anything that had to deal with Roy, really. Three days for Jason to grow more bitter about the whole situation.
Nothing.
Roy called their five months nothing. Nothing more than friends-with-benefits and unwanted feelings. What an asshole.
It was magic, Jason had been right. A spell cast two months back. A spell that prevented Jason from talking about any kind of love he felt. A spell he had been hit with while working a job with Roy, nonetheless. How pathetic. Dick seemed a little too interested in why this particular spell would lead to such a big fight between Jason and Roy, which only made everything even more annoying to deal with.
Two more days to undo the spell. Five days total, not even a week since Roy had…
It took the full week, really, for Jason to convince himself to go back and talk to Roy again. Two more days spent brooding and fuming and feeling sorry for himself before he decided he actually wanted to do something about it. He couldn’t stop thinking about how desperately Roy had clung to him the last time they kissed. He couldn’t stop thinking about the way Roy sounded when he said the words “I love you.” He couldn’t stop thinking about his own frustration and sadness mirrored in Roy’s eyes when the redhead finally left.
When Jason finally got tired enough of sitting around and feeling sorry for himself, deciding to go to New York and confront Roy, his main goal for their conversation wasn’t closure or peace or anything like that. No, Jason really wanted to punch Roy in the head and call him an idiot then make peace on his own over the fact he would never see Roy Harper again.
It was a good, solid plan. After Jason knocked loudly on Roy’s apartment he kept his knuckles gripped in a tight fist.
Then he waited.
And waited.
When Roy finally opened the door Jason found himself unable to swing. Roy’s eyes were a little wide in surprise, but his body language was open with his guard fully down. Even unsure, he trusted Jason.
What a piece of shit.
Jason was caught up in how fine Roy looked. Sure, there was a hint of a dark circle under Roy’s eyes, but none more so than usual. Roy’s hair was brushed, his clothes seemed clean, and he looked so fucking casually beautiful that Jason wanted to scream. It wasn’t fair that Roy got to move on, got to be fine, meanwhile Jason had to deal with the half-chance he had of happiness and stability crumbling away from him.
“Hi,” Roy broke the silence between them. At least he sounded affected by having Jason show up out of nowhere.
Jason still could’ve thrown a punch. He could’ve called off the whole visit right then and there and made his way back to Gotham and never talked to Roy Harper ever again. But he didn't swing his fist and he didn’t turn and leave. Instead he gruffly asked, “You gonna invite me in?”
Roy seemed hesitant, but didn’t outright reject Jason (again). He just tilted his head to the side and tightly asked, “Do I really have a choice?”
Jason pushed his way through Roy’s doorway, scowling all the while.
“The kid home?”
“No, uh,” Roy followed Jason deeper into the apartment as he answered, “she’s out.”
Jason nodded. The quiet between them stretched thick and taught until Roy awkwardly spoke up to break it, “How… How are you feeling?”
At least this question had an easy answer, “Pissed.”
Roy frowned, unimpressed, and clarified, “I meant with the weird… thing.”
“The weird thing?” Jason raised an eyebrow as he echoed the horrible description.
Roy turned fussy, dismissive, throwing his hands to the side he complained, “Well, I don’t know what it was.”
“Because you didn’t stick around to find out!” Jason snapped. Roy flinched back at the volume and Jason tried very, very hard to convince himself that it didn’t hurt to see the man who’s always been willing to go toe to toe with him backing down yet again.
Roy was staring at the ground as he let a defeated weight slump down his shoulders and overtake his posture. “Why are you here, dude?” He asked the floor, “Are you gonna tell me what happened or what?”
Jason’s anger flared more at Roy’s refusal to look him in the eye. Jason scoffed and pouted, “And why should you get to know?”
Finally, Roy looked up again to ask, “Why shouldn’t I?”
“Because you left!” Jason cried out, “You were too busy fucking breaking up with me to-”
“Whoa, wait,” Roy was flexing his palms in a mock surrender as he gave a bitter laugh, “I did not break up with you.”
“No, I guess you couldn’t have, huh?” Jason angerly agreed, “I guess we were never even together in the first fucking place.”
Roy’s expression turned stone and stormy all of a sudden. He crossed his arms over his chest and once more looked down at the floor as he spoke, “I’m serious, man, don’t make fun of this. Please.”
Roy sounded so fucking pathetic as he whispered that last word and Jason couldn’t help but roll his eyes as he asked, “Why do you care if it all meant nothing?”
Roy had the nerve to turn angry and snap, “Don’t call it nothing.”
“You did! All this time when we were… when we…” Jason’s words were failing again, but not with fire this time. Now, his throat felt choked and wet with thick emotion as he fought to find the right words, “Friends-with-benefits, Roy? Really? That’s all it fucking was to you?”
The idiotic love of Jason’s life reeled back, visibly confused, to ask a simple, “What?”
“All those months and we were… And it was…” Jason was feeling a little too sad, a little too helpless. It was easier to redirect back to rage, “You know, I should’ve realized I was cursed two months ago. But I didn’t, because I thought things between us were so fucking good we didn’t need words. We didn’t need to talk. We just knew, and it was enough.”
“Knew what?” Roy begged to know.
“Well, you didn’t know shit, I guess,” Jason huffed, “I mean, pretending it’s nothing… Friends-with-benefits… I had been giving every spare piece of myself into us while you spent all these months holding back. You’ve been the one holding back. Then you have the nerve to tell me you don’t even want to have feelings for me and-”
“Jay, wait, slow down,” Roy interrupted as he moved to place a hand on Jason’s shoulder.
Jayson ripped away from the touch with a sharp exclaimation of, “Fuck you! First you tell me you love me when I’m cursed to not be able to say it back, then you tell me our whole relationship has been nothing more than friends-with-benefits, then you say you don’t want to love me and-”
“Jason,” Roy refused to let himself be pushed away. He fought off Jason’s swatting hands to cradle Jason’s jaw and force their eye contact, “Jay, baby, slow down. Are you… Our relationship?”
It was humiliating, to need to look Roy in the eye and acknowledge that Jason had been wrong from the start. He huffed out a frustrated, “Apparently not.”
“The last…” Roy hesitated, “For the last four months you thought…”
“Five,” Jason pathetically corrected after Roy trailed off and gestured between them.
“Five,” Roy gasped a little breathless. He started rubbing his hands back and forth in a gentle caress on Jason’s cheeks, “For the last five months you thought… How stupid are we?”
“You’re stupid,” Jason mumbled, still embarrassed, “I’m not stupid.”
“This is a pretty stupid way of saying you love me back,” Roy countered as he let the ghost of a grin begin to pull at his lips.
“I’m not saying that,” Jason tried to argue.
Roy let his smile fully firm as he teased, “I mean, you kinda already said it.”
“No, I just” —Shit, Jason had sorta let that slip, hadn’t he?— “Maybe I don’t want to!”
“You don’t want to?”
“You don’t wanna have feelings for me either,” Jason reminded Roy, “So why do I have to-”
Roy’s lips shouldn’t have been welcome, and yet despite all of Jason’s frustrations he couldn’t help but melt against the other man as Roy surged forward to kiss him.
The kiss was an apology.
The kiss was a sigh of relief.
The kiss was a confession.
The kiss was a way of saying, “Jaybird, shut your goddamn mouth already” without Roy needing to worry that the order wouldn’t be followed.
The kiss was over far too soon. Despite himself, Jason found that he was chasing after Roy’s lips as they pulled away. He only realized the embarrassing desperation for more he held when Roy’s light chuckle broke through Jason’s daze.
“I can’t believe you never said anything,” Roy admonished fondly.
“I was cursed,” Jason complained, “It’s not like I could’ve.”
“You didn’t try,” Roy said with another chuckle, “You were cursed for months and didn’t even fucking realize.”
“I hate you,” Jason grumbled.
“You love me,” Roy corrected with a smile as he pressed their foreheads together.
“Fuck you,” Jason hissed, “I only came to give you back your key.”
A lie, obviously. Jason had come to punch Roy in the face. That plan fell away but Jason still wanted to see Roy squirm a little bit.
“Wait, what?” Roy sharply pulled back. Good.
“You asked for space,” Jason reminded, “I don’t want you worried I’ll crash in whenever.”
“Are you joking right now?” Roy asked with a tilt to his head. Then, frustrated, “I can’t tell if you’re joking.”
“You shouldn’t have kissed me,” Jason chided, “You’re making this harder than it has to be.”
“Oh, you asshole,” Roy frowned as he took a step away, “You really wanna fuck with me right now?”
“You did all this,” Jason said with his hands out to the side, “I’m just trying to give you what you want.”
“What I want is to get my boyfriend in bed so we can have stupid, mushy, make-up sex,” Roy dryly stated.
“You found a boyfriend already?” Jason asked in feign offense, “Jeez, dude. You move on fast.”
“Fast?” Roy shook his head, “Apparently I’m five months late to the party.”
He was being too teasing. Jason wanted to remind him of the lingering sting of hurt still in the situation. With a frown he said, “You have not had a boyfriend for the last five months.”
“According to you-”
“I’m not counting it,” Jason declared, “Not if you’ve been half-assing it and playing friends-with-benefits.”
Roy reached forward to thread his fingers through Jason’s belt loops and pulled until their lips were flushed together. Then he leaned up and whispered with a warm breath hitting the shell of Jason’s ear, “Why don’t we head to the bedroom so I can show you exactly how much I’ve been holding back.”
“You suck,” Jason said with a slight groan, already knowing Roy was going to pester away the stubborn, bitchy frustrations that Jason had been trying to hold on to.
“I can, if you want,” Roy said between light kisses that began to trail down Jason’s neck, “Anything for you, gorgeous.”
“You’re not cute,” Jason said as he let out a little sigh and leaned back to give Roy a bit more access to his neck.
“Please, baby,” Roy asked. He paused for a moment to suck a small mark into the skin above Jason’s collar bone. As he pulled back he let his teeth skim across Jason’s forming bruise before finally finishing his question, “Let me apologize, will you?”
Jason was quiet as he let Roy continue to kiss up and down the trail of skin between Jason’s ear and shoulder. He closed his eyes and let himself melt into the familiar warm touch of Roy’s fingers dragging lightly up his sides.
They still hadn’t talked. They still haven’t actually defined boyfriends or partners or anything like that, but the way they leaned back into each other so easily made the talking seem kind of pointless. They knew what they were, they were JasonAndRoy. It just took Roy a long while to pull his head out of his ass and realize.
…Which, in Roy’s defense, maybe Jason could have tried to use his words at some point. But it had always just been so easy and natural and comfortable to leave everything unsaid.
“Come on, baby,” Roy encouraged, “Let me love you.”
Oh, wow.
That beautiful word still sounded so sweet when it came off of Roy’s tongue. Jason let himself be pulled along, heading deeper into the apartment and towards Roy’s bedroom.
“I haven’t forgiven you yet,” Jason warned.
“You left me once,” Roy reminded him, “We’re even now.”
“I’m mad at you,” Jason firmly declared. It was not the time for Roy to try throwing Jason’s past regrets straight back in his face.
“I’m mad too,” Roy informed Jason as they passed through the threshold of the bedroom. He turned around to have Jason pinned to the closed door behind them both, returning his palms to be holding Jason’s hips flush against his own again.
“All these months you could’ve used your words,” Roy teased, “And you’re choosing now to mouth off?”
“This doesn’t-” Jason cut off with a gasp as Roy slotted his thigh between Jason’s legs and pressed in hard. With a shaky breath, Jason tried again, “This doesn’t sound like you’re apologizing.”
“Maybe I want you to apologize first,” Roy smirked.
“No way I-”
Lips pressed against Jason’s own again. This was a much better way to be cut off than the painful, burning magic had been.
Jason leaned into the kiss, leaned into his partner, and leaned into the comfort of knowing that he and Roy were gonna be okay.
…But Roy was still absolutely going to be made to ask Jason out on a proper date soon. For now, though, the things left unsaid were still enough.