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It wasn't unlike Ryuunosuke to be quiet for long stretches of time. It was something that Atsushi was growing accustomed to since starting to see him more often. Conversation was often short, sweet, simple things. Not overly affectionate. It was a sort of communication that felt easiest to them. No expectation to be talkative when one simply had nothing to say.
But today had been somewhat different to their regular routine of near monastic silence.
Being a weretiger, Atsushi picked up on all number of things that others couldn't observe. His keen sense of smell could spot the first flickers of fear, the tiniest lapses into mania. Body language was worth more than what could be expressed in words.
He knew his lover's scent like the back of his hand. He could track him in a room full of people while blindfolded.
So when the smell of him twisted suddenly into something sharp and primal.. He knew instantly something had changed.
"Ryuu..?" he knocked on the bedroom door.
"God.. Not now" he choked back.
Atsushi couldn't pretend he didn't recognize the smell. It was blood. Ryuunosuke's blood. It was unmistakable. Him in a way that couldn't possibly be expressed in words.
"Whats going on?" he called back, a sense of urgency rising in his tone as he spoke. "You're bleeding. I can smell it."
"Ugh.. its.. nothing. Just a paper cut."
"Open the door."
"Ryuu?"
"Ryuu, that's not a paper cut, I can smell it. Open the door!"
"God damn it, Ryuunosuke! Do you want me to break the door in?!"
Finally the lock clicked.
Atsushi pushed it open to find the man on the floor, a towel covering his forearm. Blood soaking through the white terrycloth.
"What the fuck happened??"
No response still.. but it wasn't hard to piece together. On the floor lay a bloodied razor blade, discarded on the bedroom floor. The look of shame across his face said everything.
A moment passed between them that felt as though it could have lasted an entire lifetime. The moment between observation and reaction. Ryuunosuke's mind alive with sheer terror at how his lover would react. He hated being found out like this. If he could have kept it a secret for the rest of time, he would have- but he logically knew that reality had to come crashing down around him at one point or another. He only wished it didn't have to be now. He bit his lip and steeled himself for what he felt was inevitable- screaming, crying, panic.
The paradox of his situation was that he didn't feel much at all now. Before he had been an emotional wreck capable of breaking down- Now with blood dripping from his arm, he felt comfortably numb. A large display of emotions would only take away from the relief he was currently feeling. Nevertheless it was what he expected. Something loud and big and overwhelming. Something he had to brace for.
Instead he was met with
"Why? Oh my darling.."
Atsushi nearly collapsed to the floor beside him, quick to hold the long suffering man in his arms. Ryuunosuke had expected a fight. A loud screaming match about how he cant do this, its bad for him, its going to kill him. He expected he'd be defending himself against an onslaught of questions and accusations.
But Atsushi was…. Gentle.
Strangely gentle.
Like for a moment he thought that Akutagawa were something fragile. An innocent victim to his own actions.
The towel fell away to reveal the aftermath. His left forearm was red with fresh wounds. Uniform slashes against pale skin. Wet blood still beading up to the surface. A sound escaped Ryuunosuke's lips, something between a gasp and a laugh.
"Ryuunosuke.." Atsushi breathed, unable to take his eyes off of the mess. His face was unreadable to his lover. Not anger- but not something he quite understood either. He looked like a man admiring a painting. Studying each stroke with reverence to understand its deeper meaning. As if he could decode what each line meant by beholding it long enough.
And the way Atsushi looked past the skin, so literally into his body, with the intent to understand, to sort it through and make sense of it all.
It almost felt better than the blade.
Ryuunosuke of course wouldn't argue that the blade felt good. No. It felt necessary. It felt like slowly releasing the tension in a pressure cooker. An effort to keep everything from exploding into something worse than this. A necessary evil.
"I'm sorry" the mafioso answered back finally, voice monotone and numb. He didn't exactly feel sorry. In truth he didn't feel much at all after he gave in to these urges. It was part of the appeal. But sorry felt like the most appropriate word, and was what slipped out first.
"Why.."
Words were at his lips faster than he could reason them through, suddenly spilling like a floodgate had been let open.
"Dazai used to do it- and when I was younger and dumber I thought that it would make me like him. I wanted to stop.. But if you've never experienced it then you cant understand how hard it is. Its addictive.. It makes everything go quiet for a little while. I.. I just needed some mental quiet."
"Mental quiet.." Atsushi repeated the phrase. The reason he had been searching for. His answer to make sense of it all. And despite the sound of it, it hurt him somewhere deep inside. Knowing that this was his beloved's source of quiet. That his relief had to come from something so terrible and self destructive. That was a slash to Atsushi's own soul.
Without warning Atsushi lifted his arm up to his mouth and kissed over the wounds. Blood smearing over soft pink lips.
His tongue darted to lick it away without thought. He wasn't sure what made him do it- only that it had come to him as instinct and he hadn't resisted it.
The blood tasted like his lover. Sharp and deep and strong. Warm. Full of a quiet fear he could taste over his tongue, like notes of cinnamon or nutmeg. As full and beautiful as himself.
Heat bloomed in Ryuunosuke's cheeks as he watched the display.
"You're ..not mad?"
"Mad? How could I be mad? You're hurting.."
"I know that, but-"
"You let me take care of them, okay?"
He couldn't argue with that. There was no room to argue against that tone, even if he had wanted to.
Bandages had never felt so soft being wrapped around his arm. The icy sting of the open wounds warmed over into a dull ache. And Atsushi-
Atsushi kissed over the bandages, over his shoulders, over his neck.
"Lets get you comfortable in the bed, alright? Next time you feel like you need to do this.. You come to me first, okay? Do you promise me you'll do that?"
Ryuunosuke felt dizzy with sensation. Pain and approval bleeding into arousal as he felt Atsushi's warm lips over his skin. It wasn't praise. It was better.. He felt seen in a way he never had before.
Seen in a way that made him crave more.
This is what he had wanted from Dazai. Understanding, comfort, someone to tell him that it was alright.
Someone who would love him no matter how many times he fell apart.
That in itself was a dangerous thing.
"I promise.." Ryuunosuke answered.
Some weeks had passed since then. The cuts, left alone, had mostly healed.
But not a day had gone by that Atsushi hadn't… admired them.
It was the strangest sensation to the depressed man.
At first he wanted to scold Atsushi for showing him any signs of what he determined to be pity.
But what was in his eyes wasn't pity.
He placed that look somewhere between a longing to understand and an admiration. Self inflicted or not, these marks were battle scars in Atsushi's eyes.
He never needed to verbalize it. The message read louder than words.
They're beautiful.
Ryuunosuke was a light weight when it came to alcohol- but an even lighter weight when it came to approval. If it could have been sold in a bottle, he'd have drunk himself to death on it. And Atsushi was becoming his own personal pusher.
When the weretiger's delicate fingers traced so gently over the lines he had once pulled in blood stained metal, or when his lips warmed over the scarred skin.. It was sheer ecstasy.
Some nights he would talk to him about it in a way that no one else had ever bothered to do.
Does it hurt? Why did you pick that spot? What makes it so addictive?
He wanted to intellectualize it.
Instead he romanticized it.
Akutagawa was beginning to catch the faintest hints of arousal in Atsushi's voice when they talked about it. A sign he should have ran in the opposite direction. But in true fashion, lust read as praise instead of predation to the traumatized young man.
Lust was heady and intoxicating in a way that blinded all other senses- including self preservation.
Atsushi's breath hitched when Akutagawa would talk about the sensations. Stinging pain that bleeds into numbness as blood wells to the surface. He couldn't pinpoint what about it was so attractive. The beauty within the pain? The fact that pain could so easily blur into something more? The taste and smell of the blood that filled his head with the deep knowing that it was his lover's.
It was too easy to relapse like this.
The next time the emotions began to flood over Ryuunosuke, he was all too eager to fall back into old habits.
But not without first keeping his promise.
"Atsushi.."
His voice was low, the tiniest edge of frantic fear creeping into his words.
"Ryuu?" Atsushi replied with his usual softness. Gentleness that could cradle him without touch. The sort of beauty that would have made any other person reconsider their pain and instead turn to him for understanding.
"Its.. happening again. The panic."
"Ah.. I see.." Atsushi nodded, his eyes studying over him.
"Then… You're wanting to hurt yourself."
Akutagawa's breath hitched for only a moment before he forced himself to answer.
"Yes."
The two watched each other- a sort of tango unfolding silently between their eyes. Whole novels of explanation and understanding passed by in moments. An understanding that only the two seemed to have with one another.
"Then I'll hold you." Atsushi breathed.
It was all that Ryuunosuke needed to hear. His heart pounded like a war drum. He took the man's hand and led him to the bedroom with a sense of urgency.
This shouldn't be arousing. This shouldn't be arousing. This shouldn't be arousing.
Like a well practiced ritual, Akutagawa retrieved a shiny silver blade from a box and made his way back to the bed where Atsushi was now reclining, arms open to hold his lover.
Akutagawa slid into place, his back pressed into Atsushi's chest. He rolled up his sleeve. Atsushi watched with rapt fascination.
"Look at them.." He whispered into Ryuunosuke's ear.
"You're healing them.."
Ryuunosuke bit his lip, his breath coming in short pants.
"Where shall I do it?"
His voice is low as he takes the blade and holds it to bare skin.
Arousal stirred in Atsushi's pants, betraying him instantly to the man in his arms. He couldn't try to hide how it made him feel to witness this.
"Right here.. for me?" he drawled, fingers pressing softly into an unmarked stretch of skin on the man's forearm.
"And how many?"
"How many do you usually do..?"
"I don't stop until I don't feel it anymore"
"Then don't stop.."
Ryuunosuke swallowed and soon his hand moved in its practiced motion- Slashing 5, 10, 15 times over the skin. Some deeper, some more shallow. Blood beaded up. His breathing became more erratic. A mix of pain and relief- self hatred and desperate arousal.
The smell hit Atsushi before the sight did. He smelled more strong like this. Everything that drew him in, now reaching a crescendo in his arms, surrounding him and making his head spin. It was a sensation unlike anything else. Being surrounded by that primal understanding that his lover was so near to him. Held where he could keep him safe. Held where he could breathe him in like a drug.
"Fuck" Ryuunosuke hissed through his teeth.
Atsushi had begun to plant kissed over his neck and shoulder.
"That's it.." he cooed. "I know you arent done.. I can smell it.. You're too pent up to be done after only that.."
"That spot hurts like fuck." Ryuunosuke admitted.
"Do you want me to pick somewhere else?"
Before the man could answer, Atsushi was dragging his hands over his body, dowsing for a perfect spot.Shoulders, ribs, hips…Thighs.
"Here?"
"You want it there..?" Ryuunosuke asked, almost completely breathless.
"Do you?" Atsushi asked back just as quickly.
Without another word, Ryuunosuke was tugging his pants down. He let Atsushi guide his hand to the spot he wanted. Top of the thigh. The skin had signs of past scars, but nothing recent.
"Here" he whispered into the mafioso's ear.
Like an obedient dog, he did as instructed.
The blade passed over the skin. Quickly, sharply cutting through sensitive flesh. More blood welled up this time. He was more reckless now in the pursuit of giving Atsushi everything he wanted. Deeper. Deeper. Deeper still. He wanted blood to drip, to pool, to betray his racing heart to the man holding him.
Atsushi panted softly, returning to kissing and moaning into his neck.
"There, that's it. God.. Ryuunosuke.. Look at what you're doing.."
"I cant help it" he panted. An excuse. What he meant was that he had no intention of trying to resist.
Atushi's hand pressed into the center of Ryuunosuke's chest, trying to ground him, to pull him back into his lap where he felt he belonged.
"The emotions. Are they still overwhelming?"
"They're getting.. quiet.." he admitted.
"Good.. Nice and quiet.. You like when they're nice and quiet?"
"Ah.. Yes.."
Atsushi ran his hand down again. He let his finger run over the trickling blood and drag it over to the underwear of the undressed man. Blood seeping in and staining the white fabric in only moments. Such a gorgeous contrast of color. Blood was always such a vibrant color to his tiger eyes. Contrasting against pale skin, it looked like heaven.
"You're hard.." Atushi grinned against Ryuunosuke's neck.
"You are too, you sicko."
A fact he couldn't argue with.
"Can I… touch your cuts..?"
"Go ahead.." Ryuunosuke answered.
His hand ran over the marks, drawing up blood like it were paint. Running it between his fingers, under his nose, over his lips.
"You smell incredible" he hummed, hand sinking back down. He coated his palm in the crimson liquid.. and guided it to his own cock.
Watching, Ryuunosuke couldn't help but break a small chuckle at how absurd it all was. The lewdity, the wrongness of it all. But in the same way.. It felt exactly right.
"What would Dazai think if he saw his little protege doing something so disturbing?"
Atsushi breathed out a heavy moan as he stroked himself. "Are you asking me.. or are you asking yourself?"
"Just shut up and use me already" he growled.
Atushi wasted no time.
He let Akutagawa pull his underwear down the rest of the way and line himself up with his lap.
"L-lube?" Akutagawa's voice faltered.
"This should work just fine" Atsushi smirked.
His cock began to press against that tight, warm, ring of muscle. A little effort and he slipped inside.
Ryuu let out a lewd noise, gripping bedsheets as Atsushi pressed deeper. He let Atsushi start stroking him as he sunk deeper in.
"Relax.. ah..You gotta relax more, You're so tight.."
"What? Afraid you'll make me bleed?" Ryuu spat back with an expected brattiness.
With that Atsushi bit into his shoulder and began to use him properly. Taking his pleasure as he saw fit. Exactly how Ryuunosuke liked it.
"Yes! Yes! Harder, Weretiger. I need it. Please. Make all the pain go away. I need it."
"Then shut up and take it" he growled into his ear. He guided Akutagawa onto his knees, gripped his hips for leverage, and pounded into him unceremoniously.
The blood being used in place of lube was somewhat slick, but mostly it was warm and sticky and wrong. Primal and disgusting.. But the purest essence of his love coating him as he fucked into the boy.
Atsushi knew when he had found a good spot by the way Ryuunosuke tensed up and held his breath. He was an open book- his pleasure easy to read to the experienced lover.
"You're going to cum.. From watching me hurt myself." he growled, always eager to tease the man topping him. He could never let himself be perceived as the weaker person.
"You're going to cum for my approval" Atsushi groaned in response.
"So be a good boy and cum.."
That was all it took. That was usually all it ever took. Atsushi was half afraid that he might be able to make Ryuu come untouched with just those words (he'd have to find out another time).
Hot release spilled onto the bedsheets below him. His body tensed and pulsed, Pulling Atsushi in deeper as if coaxing pleasure out of him in time.
Atushi was never far to follow. He pressed deeper inside, until subconscious Weretiger breeding instincts were satisfied, and released into Akutagawa. Biting into his shoulder hard enough to taste blood, he held his poor aching beloved still until his orgasm subsided and he was able to pull out.
Now a mess of blood and sweat and cum the two collapsed onto each other.
Later they'd have to clean this up.
.. Later. When they weren't basking in the afterglow of their depravity.