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Trinity had many terrible days.
When she was young, she accidentally broke her mother’s favourite vase. It was a large white ceramic vase with blue flowers painted around it. She knew it was expensive, but never knew why her mother would keep it around without putting anything in it. Despite that, when she saw the broken pieces on the ground, her first instinct was to hide the broken pieces. She knew not to let her mother find out. That night, when her mother came home late from work (which she always did), Trinity laid in bed, eyes shut tight, pretending to be asleep, clutching her pillows as tight as possible. The very next day, she had to confess to her mistake, clutching her fist behind her back. All she could recall was her mother’s disappointment in her voice.
The next time was when she was 16. Trinity never had friends before, she had never chosen to have friends. They would only distract her from her studies. Thus, when a new student had joined the class in her middle school and went straight to talk to her, she ignored her, like she always did. For a month, the girl stuck to her, during class and lunch. She learnt to tolerate it, sometimes she would reply back, and it would always garner a wide grin from the girl. Trinity never had friends before, but it felt nice to have someone to talk and listen to. For years, they went to class together, went home together, ate together. However, when Trinity was 16, she went over to the girl’s room after school, like they always did. When the girl’s father had entered the room, locking the door behind him, Trinity felt that something was wrong. The father had always been kind and her friend had only talked highly of him. One week later, her friend had died, the day after they had just promised to report him together.
The third time was in college. Trinity was always a top student, perfect grades, dean’s list and excellent recommendations from her professors. However, the day before one of her examinations, she ignored the continuous pounding in her head. She stayed up the whole night studying, chugging as many energy drinks as she could. The exam was supposed to be a walk in the park, like it always did. Maybe her lack of sleep has finally caught up to her, or maybe the large amounts of energy drinks she had been drinking since starting medical school. When she received the paper, her mind only went blank. Trinity could not remember the answers to any of the questions. For the first time in her life, she flunked her test, terribly.
The most recent one was her first shift in the Pitt. She had dealt with many rotations before, many different residents, incidents and attendings. Nothing had ever been as bad as her first shift at Pittsburgh Trauma Medical Center. Trinity knew that she had always been competitive, striving to be the best. She had no choice, she needed to be at the top. Her classmates always called her prideful back in school, but she took it as a compliment. It was the only reason she had gotten as far as she had today. Thus, she behaved like she always did, in any other place. She had expected the other newcomers to have an aversion to her like the rest always did. However, what she did not expect was to find out a resident was stealing drugs from patients and dropping a fucking scapel on a resident’s foot. Honestly, she was going to report it, but after being screamed at and humiliated by him, she would have dropped it until Dr Robby came up to talk to her. That day, she wondered if she should have done what she did. The ER was packed with shooting victims, and the woman she thought was flirting with her had called her “trouble”. She was prideful, and she had convinced herself it was a good thing, especially when she could not help but offer a homeless medical student a room.
She had thought Yolanda Garcia would have wanted nothing to do with her after her first shift. Thus, when she walked into the ER the next day, she was surprised to see Garcia waiting for her. They exchanged numbers and agreed to meet up that night. The shift went surprisingly better than her first day. She followed Garcia home afterwards, texting Whitaker to handle his own transport.
-
Ten months had passed since then. Dennis had been an excellent roommate as much as she hated to admit it. He kept her house cleaner than ever, cooked meals she last had before entering college. Trinity would never call him a friend. He was a roommate, and she hoped he felt the same. Yolanda and her met up at least once a week, having amazing sex each time. Everything was going fine, she was going to secure her surgery residency as soon as she could.
Today, however, was the worst. She was fucking up her charting, Frank Langdon was back and she had a fuck ton of patients. What did not make it better was it being the fourth of July. So much for a day of independence. When Trinity first started working here, she did not believe any other day could be as bad as her first shift. She was clearly proven wrong. There was only so long someone could avoid their coworker.
“Hey, are you okay?” Dennis had asked her while she was charting, 4 hours into their shift. He was always worried for her, nagging at her to cut down on her energy drinks intake, to eat better meals. They were not close enough for him to care so much about her own life.
“Yeah, what?” She grumbled back, hoping he could see her annoyance and leave her alone. His eyebrows only furrowed deeper, fingers tapping on the table.
“You look bad. Are you sure you’re okay?” He continued meekly, causing her to shoot up a glare at him.
“I’m doing my chartings,” she deadpanned, still glaring at him. Dennis should really learn to mind his business more.
“Okay, well, if you need me, I’m always here to talk,” he said, before being called by Robby to join in on a case.
Trinity did not need empathy from anyone, especially not her roommate. She was fine alone since she was a child, and it was certainly not changing. She was going to resume her charts before being called by Robby to join in on the case as well.
By hour 7, Trinity was ready to call it a day. She was supposed to meet Garcia after the shift today, before she had told her that she needed a raincheck on that. What was worse was that she had done one of her charts wrong, receiving a lashing from her attending. Trinity could not fuck up now, especially not when she had worked so hard. She slapped herself awake in the bathroom before stepping back out.
The rest of the shift was a blur. Cyberattacks, a water-slide collapse, listening to Langdon’s apology, barely catching up with her charts and she swore Garcia was fully avoiding her now. At least Dennis was finally moving out, she would finally have someone less in her life to annoy her. She had many terrible days, she could get through this.
She could not risk repeating her residency year, thus she made the decision to stay back after a 15 hour shift to resume her charting. The only plans she had were cancelled after all.
“Santos?” She heard someone call out behind her while walking out of the ER, her bag slinged across her shoulders.
“Garcia?” Trinity replied, turning back to face her. “Why are you leaving so late? I thought you had plans.”
“I could say the same for you,” Garcia smiled back, crossing her arms. “What are you still doing here?”
“I was charting.” Trinity could not look at her. She recalled the past months they had together. Garcia had always said it was casual after each hook-up, and Trinity had agreed, laughing. That was what their relationship was. They did not talk about their feelings, it was sex. Trinity enjoyed and appreciated it. She did not want to talk about anything, her life or anything related to herself. From time to time however, Garcia would tell her stories about her days as an intern and early resident, how she decided on surgery. Trinity had memorised the food Garcia would always order for takeout after sex, the layout of her room and her favourite movies to watch beforehand. Yeah, they were casual, Trinity agreed. They were definitely casual.
“Are you okay?” Garcia asked, lowering her head such that they are now meeting eye to eye.
That phrase again. Dennis had already asked her three times today. Yes, she was fine. The day could not have been worse than when she found out her only friend was dead, or when Langdon made her feel unconfident for the first time in her life. Trinity wondered if this is karma, for not joining her friend back then.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” She swallowed, realising that she was now scratching the back of her nails. They were starting to bleed. “You should really get going, I don’t want to hold you back from your plans.”
The silence was deafening. Trinity just wanted to get home and sleep. She would sleep for hours, waking up in the afternoon the next day. Then she would go out to grab something to eat, before going back to bed till her next shift. She wondered what she looked like to Garcia. Pathetic? She needed to get home fast.
“Okay, well, I’ll get going first,” Trinity exhaled, walking past Garcia to her car. God, she felt stupid. Who was she lying to? Her best friend had once told her she had to be more open about her feelings, that she should tell everything to her. She would hold Trinity’s hands on her bed and draw on them while talking about all the boys she had crushes on. Trinity had only felt vulnerable once, but even then, she could never admit what she felt to her. Trinity had always been prideful, that was what everyone had told her. She would never admit to Garcia her feelings.
“Trinity,” Garcia sighed, grabbing Trinity’s hands before she could walk away. “We should talk. About us.”
Trinity swallowed. The last time she did talk, her best friend killed herself the next day. She did not need to be reminded of it right now. She could handle a break up the tomorrow, when she had her 15 hours of sleep and was not starving like she was currently.
“Sorry, look, it’s been a long day. I just really want to get home. We can do this another day, yea?” She replied, freeing her arms from Garcia’s grip.
“Look, it will just take a minute.” A minute was way too long right now for Trinity. It only took 5 minutes for her friend to die, 5 minutes for her to be violated, 5 minutes for her to realise she was failing her exams, 5 minutes for her to -
“Trinity, I don’t want this to be casual.” She must have heard it wrong, loss of sleep and exhaustion can cause hallucinations.
“Look, I did not have plans with anyone. You need to be more open with your damn emotions, you know? Fuck, I’ve basically talked to you about my whole damn family tree and yet I do not even know your middle name. Do you even have one?”
Honestly, Trinity had forgotten if she did have a middle name. Her name was Trinity Santos, but was there something else in the middle? Her mother had never called her by any other name or mentioned anything else, and her birth certificate only had Trinity Santos, so she supposed that’s a no. Still, her exhaustion might be causing her memory loss right now. Maybe she did have a middle name, maybe Santos was her middle name and her last name was supposed to be her father’s name (like Castro or something) that she had long forgotten and-
“Okay, I get it, it’s been a hell of a long day for both of us. But I really need you to communicate with me, or I don’t know how long I can keep this up.” Garcia was covering her face with both her hands now.
Trinity had not noticed that she had yet to reply. She brushed her thoughts away and took a deep breath. “I don’t know how to start,” she murmured.
“We can do it tomorrow,” Garcia smiles. Trinity liked her smiles.
“Tomorrow?” She repeats. She noticed her hands had stopped fidgeting with her nails.
“Yea, tomorrow. Now go home and get some rest, I think we both need it.”
-
That night, when she reached back home at one in the morning, she tried to be as quiet as she could when opening the door, before remembering that Dennis was probably at Robby’s place. She could finally have her time alone, without someone talking to her the moment she stepped foot in her house. She needed a hot shower immediately, especially after that whole talk with Garcia. Yet, when she pushed the door open, she saw Dennis sprawled out on the couch, scrolling on his phone, clearly not noticing her at the door.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” she asked, throwing her bags on the ground, causing Dennis to flinch. He sat up immediately and looked at her. Trinity always wondered why his eyes were so sad, like he was deprived of sleep. Although they were both doctors, sleep was always a luxury. That was probably why his eyes looked like that.
“Sorry, should I not be here? I can go back up to my room if you want me to,” he said, looking apologetic. Trinity groaned, pinching the top of her nose before replying.
“Are you not supposed to be at Robby’s?” God, she really needed a shower.
“Yea, I just thought…” He trailed off and Trinity saw his eyes darting up to her arms. Fuck, she had raised her arm way too high, causing the sleeves to fall. She scrambled to put her arm down and lowered back her sleeves. The day really could not get any worse. She knew Dennis would ask about it, he always does. He was too empathetic for his own sake. He should not have been helping Amy out on the farm or even Robby with his house, but so much for knowing the patient-doctor boundary when you are just too kind and in love with your boss. Trinity hated that about him, he cared too much.
“Sorry, I just thought it would be okay for me to continue living here instead. I mean, Robby’s house was way too big and-”
“Okay, I get it. I just really need a shower right now,” Trinity cuts him off, before walking to the bathroom without looking back or hearing what he had to say. Her head had started pounding again. She made her way to the bathroom, ripping off the clothes she had before stepping into the burning water. Her fingers burned under the running water. For a while, she was grateful at her mind for being empty. She did not keep track of how long she stayed in there, but when she walked out of the bathroom, Dennis was standing at the kitchen holding a plate of heated up mac and cheese.
“I assumed you haven’t eaten, so I heated up some leftovers for you. We can watch a movie while eating,” He beamed, mittens still on his hands while he brought the tray to their living room.
As Trinity sat on the couch beside Dennis, she laid her head on his shoulders, feeling him freeze up under her. She thought about what Garcia had said to her.
“I’m thankful you’re here,” she whispered. She wished she had said that to her best friend years ago, before everything that happened. She wonders if it would have made a change. Maybe she would be living with them in this apartment. She doesn’t let herself wonder.
“Yeah, me too.” Dennis replied, his body finally relaxing under hers.
For the first time, Trinity lets herself be vulnerable.