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Ludovica ran her eyes across every detail of the woman standing to the left of her. Unamused blue eyes accompanied with deep crimson hair that was neatly and tightly formed into a bun. Not a strand of hair out of place, not a single emotion more than what was needed. A strange sense of desire seeped throughout her body while she trained her eyes to learn the way Elizabeth rested her hands in front of her.
“Staring that intensely at someone might give them a negative impression. I suggest you focus your attention elsewhere, Ludovica,” Elizabeth stated coldly. Ludovica could only give a small smile while looking at the couple walking ahead. It wasn’t much fun watching Heidi and Albrecht stroll around the estate with nothing entertaining to eavesdrop on. Ludovica had initially been bothered when Heidi had asked her to accompany her to the Nuremberg estate, but she couldn’t have possibly known that a gem had been tucked away from her. She found it a shame that the opportunity to flame the fire in her heart had not presented itself sooner.
It had been a few months since Ludovica had met Elizabeth for the first time, and there was still a gap between them that Elizabeth refused to close. If Ludovica had any shame, she might’ve felt a tinge of annoyance with the many failed attempts at getting Elizabeth's attention, but Ludovica found it the sole source of her entertainment these days. She would brush their hands slightly while walking to see Elizabeth quickly take her hand away, get caught staring on purpose to see Elizabeth awkwardly shift her gaze elsewhere, and drop meaningless phrases of affection to hear Elizabeth clear her throat and tell her it was inappropriate. Ludovica just found Elizabeth so adorable. The eldest daughter of Nuremberg had many faces in front of Ludovica even if she wasn’t aware. It created a twisted and growing desire within her. She couldn’t help but fantasize having all of it to herself.
“I believe I told you it was improper to stare at someone this intently. Although, it seems you are doing it absentmindedly.” Elizabeth sighed and adjusted the shawl hanging around her arms.
“There’s not much to look at anywhere else,” Ludovica responded.
“There is much to look at in the garden. I hope you aren’t suggesting that the Nuremberg estate didn't produce an alluring view for you?”
Ludovica walked a little closer to Elizabeth and lifted her dress slightly to avoid it touching the ground while she cheekily leaned in front of Elizabeth. “Why suggest looking at the garden when the most beautiful thing the Nuremberg estate has produced is right in front of me?”
Elizabeth cleared her throat and looked to the left to avoid Ludovica’s gaze.
Cute. Ludovica kept her thoughts to herself while Elizabeth responded to her.
“Well, it appears that questioning your creativity in flirtatious statements is useless, so I will only say that you should be using these statements on other men. They would be most enamoured with it.”
“Does that mean you are enamoured as well?”
“I don’t see why that would matter considering we are both women. Is this not purely in jest?”
“Perhaps, but if you find it all a playful act, then can you spare an answer to my question?”
Ludovica had returned to her original position beside Elizabeth, an arm’s length away. A silence had fallen between them as Elizabeth refused to answer her question.
“...do you not enjoy my presence?” Ludovica asked softly. She had not actually felt hurt by Elizabeth’s silence but wanted to see if this would spark a different reaction.
“I have never once said that,” Elizabeth replied stoically.
“But you refer to Heidi in a much different manner.”
Elizabeth hesitantly said, “...that is different.”
This had caught Ludovica’s attention, and it had made a dark feeling swirl inside her stomach.
“What is different? Are you saying you enjoy her presence better?”
“Do not put words in my mouth. I am simply saying my relationship with Heidi is different than ours.”
Ludovica frowned deeply. She didn’t like that one bit. She was supposed to be the thing Elizabeth liked most. What was even that great about Heidi compared to herself?
Ludovica stopped her steps and stood still, a growing sense of jealousy within her. Elizabeth had walked a few steps ahead before realizing Ludovica was not next to her and turned around.
“Why have you stopped walking?”
“What exactly is different between us?”
“Ludovica, this is not the time to discuss such things.”
“If you don’t respond, I’m just going to assume you enjoy her presence more than mine.”
Elizabeth let out an agitated sigh. “Goodness, you are not a child. It is not that I enjoy her presence more. She is basically a sister to me, and she is intended to be Albrecht’s wife. It is only acceptable that I treat her in a different manner.”
“Then how do you feel about me?”
Elizabeth cleared her throat. “If you must know then all I will say is that I find myself enjoying your presence. Now, stop sulking and catch up. The other two have finished walking.”
Once Elizabeth had turned around and stopped facing her, Ludovica felt a smile being etched onto her face. Could hearing a single affirmation bring one such joy? She felt giddy and couldn’t control the blossoming euphoria within her.
After that day, Ludovica had found more confidence in approaching Elizabeth, often sending letters and visiting the estate by herself. There wouldn’t be much discussion, but Ludovica could feel Elizabeth warming up to her. Her critics were less stern, and Ludovica found Elizabeth smiling more often than not when it was just the two of them. It had eventually become a routine for them to settle down in a secluded spot on the estate where they would either discuss various topics of conversation or sit in silence, leaning against each other’s shoulders.
However, the desire within Ludovica only grew with the closure of the gap between them. She found herself wanting more than Elizabeth’s attention. She wanted everything starting from her gaze to her love. The long stares and hand holding had begun to mean something different to her, and Ludovica was never one to stop until she felt a sense of satisfaction.
Which is why on this particular day where the sun hadn’t been too hot, the wind hadn’t been too cold, and Elizabeth looked exceptionally more beautiful than usual, Ludovica had mindlessly asked, “May I kiss you?”
Ludovica could feel Elizabeth stiffen.
“Excuse me?”
“I asked if I could-”
Elizabeth put her fingertips against Ludovica’s mouth. “Do not repeat your question.” She got up and picked up the book she was reading before heading back to the main estate.
Ludovica chased after her, a slight pep in her step. Something about Elizabeth’s reaction had her excited. “Is your answer to run away? It doesn’t particularly seem like a rejection to me.”
Elizabeth stopped abruptly and took Ludovica’s wrist, dragging her aside to avoid any peering eyes. “Tell me right now this is in jest because you have gone too far.”
Ludovica stood her ground and stared directly into Elizabeth’s eyes. “My question was sincere. I can only hope you also answer in a sincere manner.”
“Do you…” Elizabeth frustratedly brushed her hair back and frowned. “Do you even understand the implications of your so-called sincere request? You have asked to kiss another woman. Not only that, but a woman promised to the crown prince. In what world would you assume I would say anything else other than no?”
“But is that absurd possibility not happening right now? If you truly wish for it, I will retract my statement, but Elizabeth, I predict that you can’t find it in yourself to say no that easily because there are feelings swirling inside you that are similar to mine.” Ludovica leaned into Elizabeth’s embrace and hovered above her lips. “Just say no, but if you do anything else, I will take it as a sign to do as I please.”
Ludovica hadn’t been too sure of how Elizabeth had felt towards her, but she was willing to take the gamble. Even if she didn’t succeed today, one day she would. That’s the type of ambition and obsession Ludovica felt inside of her.
But it seemed her success wasn’t too far as she felt Elizabeth stand there in silence, looking at Ludovica’s lips hovering over hers. Ludovica leaned in and connected their lips. Elizabeth’s lips were soft and idle, unsure how to accept the offering given to her. Upon noticing that Elizabeth had not pushed her away, Ludovica let the kiss linger before separating. She was lightheaded, breathing slightly irregularly, and the only thing flooding her mind was kissing those soft lips that had hints of their afternoon tea.
So she leaned in, gripping Elizabeth’s shoulders tightly as if to prevent her from escaping. To Ludovica’s surprise, Elizabeth had started to kiss her back roughly and inexperiencedly. Their teeth had clashed, but Elizabeth had begun to melt in Ludovica’s grasp, making Ludovica adjust her position so she was basically holding Elizabeth up. But this let Ludovica lean into the kiss more. Their kisses were heated, hungry, and Ludovica couldn’t help but let her smile seep into her kisses. It was an erratic and dreamlike feeling that consumed her. All of it was confirmation that this game she started was well worth it.
When about five minutes had passed, Elizabeth had pulled them apart rather abruptly. Heavy breathing had filled the small gap between them before Elizabeth started to compose herself. She fixed loose strands of hair, adjusted her shawl, and caught her breath. Watching her revert back to the demeanor she showed everyone else made Ludovica laugh. It had started to settle in that she would forever hold a piece of Elizabeth that no one else knew. She reached out to grab Elizabeth’s hand again, but Elizabeth had stepped away.
“That’s enough,” Elizabeth had said breathlessly.
Ludovica was puzzled at her response but looked past it. “Does that imply we will do it again next time?”
Elizabeth turned her back to her. “That is not-”
She grit her teeth and held back a sigh.
“That is not what I meant. We are never doing this again, understood? Do not speak about this with anyone.”
Ludovica stood there in bewilderment. “Never again? Was it not you who had kissed me back and nearly collapsed in my arms? With the way you are acting, you would think we had not just spent five minutes swirling ton-”
“That is enough, Ludovica! Never speak of this again to me or anyone else. What do you not understand?”
“What do I not understand? I do not understand how our unbelievably passionate moment is meant to have no meaning to it! You are in love with me, and it is no secret that I hold an equal desire for you as well. If you wish to keep it a secret, I’ll comply, but I will not pretend it didn’t happen between us. Isn’t this everything you wanted? We can come out here every time and indulge in the desires you wish to never reveal to society. Is that not exciting?”
“Exciting? How is any of that exciting to you? The future empress is lounging around with a woman who could ruin her future. That is NOT exciting. You are the most stressful and confusing experience I’ve ever had, and I wish to never feel something like this again.”
“I refuse. No one will find out, and this could be the secret that we share. What’s the harm if we keep it to ourselves? You can go live the life you want in public, and I will continue to do what I do. The only addition is that we get to have these secluded moments to ourselves. Isn’t that what you desire?”
Elizabeth rubbed her temples. “What I desire is for you to stop talking about this. We are done with this arrangement. Today was a mistake, and we will no longer see each other after this.”
Ludovica didn’t want to accept this. Elizabeth was supposed to be hers. This was the woman who had taken up her mind and her heart, yet she wanted to pretend their indulgence never existed? She could keep it a secret, but denying the existence of their twisted desires and never meeting again was beyond unreasonable. However, Ludovica knew Elizabeth wouldn’t cave into her, not with the way she was right now. She had too much to lose. It would take months, years even, to try and convince Elizabeth to revel in her feelings.
So she looked up at Elizabeth and said, “I’ll do as you wish. I will leave, never speak of this, and stop meeting you. But Liza, I’m not that easy to get rid of, and I can only hope you understand the love I have for you while we are separate.”
It could take years to unravel Elizabeth, but Ludovica was someone who was willing to wait years for the perfect moment to get Elizabeth back. She would take each of Elizabeth’s things one by one, until she would have nothing. She would create the opportunity with her own hands if the world didn’t want to give it to her.
--
Ludovica sat at the drawing room table. The room was dimly lit, and her attention wavered between the dust collecting on the bookshelves and the crackle from the fireplace. The silence was broken with the creak and thud of the door. Ludovica could already feel a smile threatening to show on her face.
“Have you come to laugh?’ Elizabeth questioned. She wouldn’t allow herself to show her true feelings in front of the woman that changed the course of her life.
Ludovica stood up from the table and walked over to Elizabeth, letting her coat find the floor on the way.
“I would never. I just came here to talk. You do know that I’m soon to be an empress? I was recently engaged, did you know? Perhaps you-”
“I knew. How could I not? It is in every newspaper imaginable,” Elizabeth said sharply.
Ludovica stood in front of Elizabeth and traced her gaze across agitated blue eyes and deep crimson hair flowing down.
“So you knew, yet you did not come to congratulate me? I’m quite hurt. I was waiting and waiting for your response, your reaction...but it never happened. I found myself becoming impatient, so I came to find you expecting you to be ill. Yet you stand before me healthy…” Ludovica paused to trot her fingers up Elizabeth’s forearm. “...and in all your beauty…as if to entice me.”
Elizabeth swatted Ludovica’s hand away, a trail of heat seeping into her arm. “That is enough. You have played your game, and you have won. What meaning is there to my thoughts on your engagement? You have won the position, the man, and the love. So leave.”
Ludovica frowned as her hand left contact with Elizabeth’s arm. “Then are you fine losing? If this is truly a game like you say it is, are you willing to lose without fighting with everything you have? Tell me, Elizabeth, are your desires so vile that you would rather give up everything than give in to them?”
“Yes!” Elizabeth shouted. “Yes, they are that vile. They are so vile they make me want to wither in shame and disgust because it is more upsetting that I wish for nothing more than to attain that happiness. But it is all meaningless to feel this way because that unattainable happiness would quickly pass by the moment I took hold of it. So leave, at once. This game is over, and you have won.”
Elizabeth turned around, her back shrouded by the darkness in the drawing room.
“I refuse. I started this game. Wouldn’t it make sense that I determine when it is over? I have not won, Elizabeth, because I have not obtained the thing I’ve wanted.” Ludovica walked, allowing Elizabeth to hear her footsteps and visualize the decreasing distance between them. Ludovica wrapped her arms around Elizabeth’s waist, hugging her back. “Give into me, Liza-”
“That is enough,” Elizabeth desperately exasperated. She turned around and faced Ludovica, letting the hands on her waist stay. “Why do you torment me like this? You know how I feel, yet you continuously toy with me. Have you not had enough? You’ve taken my life! I have spent my entire youth tailoring myself to be the perfect empress, yet you come in from nowhere and take it all away from me.” Elizabeth closed her eyes and covered her face with her hands. “You have made me ill, Ludovica. Sometimes I am perfectly fine with the way you’ve taken everything away because you look so beautiful doing it. I find myself wanting more than the life I was supposed to live after discovering you. You, who shines as brightly as the stars. You, who has made me envision futures that should never exist…you undo me, Ludovica. Is this not enough?”
Upon her desperate speech, Elizabeth had expected Ludovica to respond, but silence persevered. She peeled her hands from her face and saw Ludovica’s amber eyes peering into her, a delirious smile spreading.
“But what reason is there to stop? Look how far we’ve come, Liza! I don’t just want your desperate pleas to leave you alone. I want everything. I want your future, your fears, your ambitions, and your love. I want to invade every single aspect of your life, so you cannot live without me. That’s how much you mean to me.”
Ludovica cupped Elizabeth’s shocked face and tugged it closer to hers. “So give me everything. Throw away your dignity, your nobility, your duty. Prove to me that we could be everything we ever dreamed of.”
Elizabeth felt her head spin and her heart want to escape her chest. Surely she could never imagine the possibility of throwing everything away for a single woman who was currently engaged to the crown prince. But Elizabeth wanted to entertain the possibility very badly. It felt like a primal desire, the way she wanted to devour Ludovica’s entire being. Would it really be that awful to consume both their lives with just each other?
Upon Elizabeth’s conflict, Ludovica wrapped her arms around Elizabeth’s neck. It was much different from Maximilian. Elizabeth was shorter than him so Ludovica didn’t need to be on her toes, but the sensation was much more exciting. Knowing that she almost had Elizabeth, the person of all her desires, in the palm of her hand, Ludovica could barely contain herself. What should she pack when they run away? Would they find an inn to stay at or continue running into tomorrow? How should she explain the situation in the letter she’s going to leave Max--
Her thoughts were cut short as Elizabeth pushed her away. When Ludovica tried reaching out to her, Elizabeth rejected the attempt.
In a shaky voice Elizabeth said, “Are you not tired of this game, Ludovica? I still have feverish dreams of the moment we shared back when we were younger. It should’ve been forgotten, but there are nights where I am simply plagued by the memories we shared. And there are days where I visit our secluded spot to chase whispers of your laugh.” Elizabeth felt restless, pacing the drawing room in small circles. “And I’ve wondered for years when this would all stop! When would you leave my life and take all of the feelings within me? When would I go back to being the normal Elizabeth I used to be? Is it not disgusting, Ludovica? You have feelings for another woman! We have shared far too much with each other and yet…”
Elizabeth refrained the urge to collapse on the floor and tug her hair. Instead, she stopped her pacing to end up in front of Ludovica and stared at the face that seemed to stay eternally youthful. “Yet, I wish I had more of these moments. You cannot imagine the amount of time I have spent walking in your shadow just to catch a glimpse of what might be going through your mind. I have seen your attempts to sabotage my life, but I did nothing because even if that cost my life, I imagined you elegantly dancing on top of my tomb. I wish to be free of this spell you have cast upon me, Ludovica. I wish to be free from this sin.”
Ludovica had been staring at Elizabeth through her entire monologue. It would be a lie to say she hadn’t been paying attention, but her mind had been distracted with the beauty Elizabeth had exerted in the moment. She could tell there was restraint and desperation in the woman standing in front of her. It felt ironic that all the desire and obsession she felt in her youth manifested into some twisted form of love within Elizabeth. Was this not what Ludovica wanted? To completely undue the fierce woman she knew? Ludovica could only let out a huff of air.
“What good would it do for you, Liza, to be free of this sin? Is the sin we feel for each other something so foreign and complex that your intelligent mind cannot comprehend it for what it truly is?” Ludovica spoke coldly. “Has there ever been a time you felt like yourself outside of the time you spent with me? I’ve always seen you more than the future empress and the eldest daughter of Nuremberg. I have taken apart the expectations that everyone has forced upon you and taken a liking to the side no one else would dare to acknowledge. Yet, you call this a sin? I’m the only person in this world who could understand what you’re feeling and the only person who wishes to see you as you. But if you wish to throw it away, you must choose which sin to grovel over for the rest of your life. Whether it’s grieving a love and understanding you could’ve had, or reminiscing the normality you seek, you can choose what matters more.”
Ludovica felt frustrated with the situation. She couldn’t understand how anything else in the world could offer Elizabeth more than what Ludovica could give. Ludovica’s feelings might’ve not been of pure innocence, but what is love if not twisted desires? What is love if not breaking down those desires for the woman you cared about? And what is love if not living it truthfully? Ludovica had enough of this game of pulling and chasing, hiding their true selves because of a sense of duty.
So in an attempt to bring Elizabeth the truth, Ludovica took her heart out of her chest and put it on a platter, her voice laced with softness. “Elizabeth, there are many things I don’t know. Your sense of duty to your family, the loss of the future you were given at a young age…there is so much I do not know about you. But the things I do know have led me here to you. I am in love with you, Elizabeth, my thorny rose. I love you through all the pricks and the effort it takes to attain you.” She placed her hand on Elizabeth’s cheek and rubbed her thumb against it. “But it has never been in my nature to live a quiet life. If we are to love, I want to do it openly without any shame. I want to be by your side, eat meals with you, and kiss you in the open. We might be sinners, we might defy God, we might be hated for all I know. But if I cannot have you, I know I will be a sinner forever because my heart will always yearn for you.”
Ludovica placed her head on Elizabeth’s shoulder and whispered, “Did you know when Maximilian asked me to marry him he promised to give me the world? I’m selfish, Liza. So selfish that the future emperor believed that my biggest wish would be the word, but that’s not true at all. My biggest want has always been you. And I know I’ve taken so many things from you all in the name of my selfish feelings, but could you let me be selfish one more time and let me have you?”
Elizabeth could only wrap her arms around Ludovica and give her a tight hug in response. The two had spent several moments in each other’s arms, the silence only broken occasionally with quiet sniffles.
Ludovica spoke into Elizabeth’s neck. “You are wretched, Elizabeth. We could’ve been everything to each other. There’s a chance you’ll never come across this feeling again after I leave, but you still chose to leave the only good thing about this bleak world behind. What am I to do without you?”
Elizabeth soothed Ludovica’s back. “I could not have had everything, and that is a truth we both know,” Elizabeth softly said. “We only would’ve had each other…that is not everything, Ludovica. The love we share, it will always be tainted by a shame we cannot get rid of. That is the cost of living during a time like ours. I want you to live the best life you can. You are to be the empress…most people would never pass an opportunity like that. Your feelings for me are a hindrance. They are clouding their vision of the future where you’ll be adored and loved by everyone around you. I cannot let you be selfish this time because the world deserves to witness you. How could I take away the source of life and color in this sinful world?” She broke the hug to look at Ludovica’s expression. Brows furrowed, and tear stains trailing down her face. Elizabeth wiped away the drops threatening to fall from her eyes with her shawl. “I’m sorry, Ludovica. I have never known a life outside of the one I’m restrained in right now. I could never be the person you would want me to be. This love will always be sinful to someone like me, but I cannot deny that I will most likely love you for the rest of my life.”
Ludovica could do nothing but give a heartless laugh. “How could you say that on the night you plan to throw me away?”
“I’m not throwing you away. I’m letting you go as gently as I can.”
Ludovica hated everything about their situation, and how much of it was because of her. If only she weren’t engaged to the future emperor, if only she hadn’t kissed Elizabeth all those years ago…if only she had never found this deep crimson rose in this dull garden and made it wither.
She softly grabbed the rose and planted a kiss, a last effort of affection before the night passed. Perhaps in the acknowledgment that this would be their last chance together before throwing every unnecessary feeling away, the two had wandered into Elizabeth’s room and peppered kisses on various spots of their skin. They undid the laces to each other’s corset and stripped their egos down in an attempt to reveal the most vulnerable aspects of themselves, full of despair and of love.
Ludovica felt as if she was going mad with anger and grief. Their kisses weren’t messy but careful and delicate, calculating which spot they would claim on each other’s bodies before anyone else. The unfairness was consuming her alive. Would these moments have to be replaced by someone else in the future? Why did their love have to be a sin that stopped them from finding happiness? All this desire made her want to place her hands around Elizabeth’s neck. She wanted to be the only one who could put her hands on Elizabeth’s bare body, and she believed for a moment that if she couldn’t have Elizabeth, Elizabeth shouldn’t be allowed to live without her.
But she let the thoughts die on their own and sat on top of Elizabeth, using her hands to carve the curves of the body below her. Each movement was motivated by a grief she could not explain.
When Ludovica’s hand had stopped moving on her body, Elizabeth guided that hand with her own. She showed her all the secrets no one else knew because after today, they would stop seeing each other for who they were. But Elizabeth was inexperienced when it came to matters of the body. Other than looking proper and how to act as an empress, she had no knowledge of how to touch another’s body, especially another woman. Elizabeth fumbled her hands while they slid over Ludovica’s soft skin. It was an electrifying experience for Elizabeth as her fingertips traced the curves of a body she feverishly dreamed of. Ludovica had been illuminated by the moonlight peering through the sheer curtains, making her violet hair pale but making her amber eyes golden. Elizabeth felt her head become heated with desire and closed her eyes to still the shame threatening to disperse within her.
Throughout this, Ludovica had just stared at Elizabeth. There was a sense of curiosity in her gaze motivated by painstaking indifference. Ludovica could only describe it as feeling dead. It did not matter what either of them did at that moment. It would be forgotten, lost in history. But all this unimportance made her wonder about all the things they could do in the moment. How far would they be willing to go?
Ludovica kissed Elizabeth’s lips and trailed down to her waist. She watched Elizabeth open her eyes in surprise and her hands hover in the air, unsure if they should stop her or let her continue. Ludovica found this aspect of Elizabeth cute. It was adorable as Elizabeth moved her hands to cover her eyes and how her back arched. Ludovica had dreamed of this once. She spread Elizabeth’s legs and let them rest around her waist as she pressed her fingers into Elizabeth’s inner thighs. In her dream, she inched closer to the center, feeling her fingertips get coated in a sticky liquid. From here, she would ponder about the choices laid out in front of her. She could let her fingers slowly go in and explore the heat inside, or let her fingers softly rub the slit, her thumb teasingly sitting just outside. But she would always take a moment to look at Elizabeth pant and watch her cheeks begin to match her hair. Then Ludovica found herself moving Elizabeth’s hands away to kiss her lips.
But before pursuing any of her dreamlike activities, Ludovica moved her face next to Elizabeth’s and admired the scene in front of her. “Is this fine?”
“You’re asking this after we have already bore our bare bodies against each other?”
Ludovica smiled through her response. “I have yet to do anything, Elizabeth, and I don’t intend to do so if you won’t wish for it.” She circled her finger over Elizabeth’s chest.
Elizabeth twitched at the touch and huffed out, “I’m fine.”
Ludovica stood on her knees, moving her head away from Elizabeth’s to peer down on her. “What happened to all that desperation back in the drawing room? I found you much cuter back when we were younger kissing for the first time. Do you remember how you melted into my arms back then?” Ludovica sat and pulled Elizabeth’s legs apart with little resistance. She wrapped them around her waist before continuing to speak. “One of my regrets back then was not being able to take the time to hear you speak of your desires. Even in dreams where I ravished your body, I could never imagine your voice. How would you sound when you asked for me? How would you sound clinging to my body or when the pleasure got to you?” Ludovica rested her hands on Elizabeth’s inner thighs. “Telling me you’re fine doesn’t tell me anything, Liza. How do I know what is too much or what is too little? You need to tell me what you want, so I can give it to you.”
Elizabeth sat up, resting most of her weight on her hands propped up behind her. “This reminds me of your flirtatious jests when we first met. Except, it is much less innocent compared to calling me the most beautiful product of the Nuremberg family.”
“I’m surprised you remember such a thing.” Ludovica had started to move her hands away.
“I don’t believe I told you to move your hands.” Elizabeth scolded. After a brief pause, she sighed and laid back down, stretching her arms out as an invitation. “Come here.”
Ludovica complied, crawling her way into a warm embrace.
“It would be a lie to say I’m not feeling conflicted. Every touch that we share is a reminder that this is all but just sin, and even though I try to dissolve that feeling just for today, it constantly appears. Back when I had first fantasized about this, I couldn’t eat for days. It felt vulgar to imagine such a thing and desire it so much. But now I’m living that fantasy right now, and I do not know how to act. I want to relish in desires, but I feel…restrained. I'm afraid it will only feel more disgusting as it continues, and I will be filled with regret. But I’m also afraid of losing this singular chance to discover what it could feel like.”
Ludovica lifted her head slightly to glance at Elizabeth . “Liza, you don’t-”
“That being said…I wish for your touches, Ludovica. Please me however you like since it will be our first and only time,” Elizabeth whispered. She never would’ve described herself a coward, but Ludovica had the ability to instill fear in her. It was only when it came to her, Elizabeth could never make the decision she had to. Maybe it had been a trait ingrained in her ever since she was young as she often gave up on her personal wishes for the matter of the family.
But she wanted to know what it was like to defy everything she had known for a second. She had spent countless hours daydreaming of a life where choices weren’t forced upon her. As Elizabeth felt Ludovica sit up and hover over her, she tried not to let her mind wander into the past. The least she could do for Ludovica is choose to face her fears right now since she couldn’t later. She would choose to love today if never again.
Ludovica let the blanket roll off her back as she licked and bit Elizabeth’s chest, careful to not leave any obvious marks. It was a gesture that made her develop an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of her stomach, a settling reality that no one would know of their history. She kept her left hand on Elizabeth’s waist while her right hand gently kneaded her inner thigh. Ludovica wanted to ease the tension in the body below her, so she went slowly, feeling out the small twitches and soft sighs. When the legs wrapped around her loosened, Ludovica moved her hand from Elizabeth’s thigh to the dripping mess. She was careful to not scratch Elizabeth when she inserted her finger and looked at Elizabeth’s expression for direction.
Flushed cheeks and squirming made Ludovica’s head heat up. She moved her hand slowly at first, letting Elizabeth adjust to the feeling and distracting her with a few kisses. When the soft sighs turned into heavier pants, Ludovica put in another finger and picked up her pace. There wasn’t a single touch on her body, but Ludovica felt as equally overwhelmed as the woman she was pleasing. Her silence was attributed to the concentration she had taken in analyzing Elizabeth’s arching back and fluttering eyes. Ludovica alternated between spreading her fingers inside Elizabeth and pushing up against the canal of muscle. Both had seemed to allure a reaction of trembling fingers trying to reach Ludovica’s hand and a soft moan.
It did not seem fair to Ludovica. How could the woman below her be allowed to look this beautiful as she got her off? It only fueled the desire for her to keep Elizabeth to herself. She didn’t want anyone to see this side of her. She was the only one allowed to trace the arch of Elizabeth’s back and watch her hands reach out to her as she grit back her moans. She should be the only one to feel the muscles around her fingers pulse when she climaxes.
Ludovica looked down at her soaked fingers, and then at Elizabeth . Her eyes were clouded, and her chest was heaving up and down.
It wasn’t fair. Would another man get to witness something like this? Would Elizabeth find another suitor after today and let him pleasure her the way she did?
It felt like a dream to her. She whispered in Elizabeth’s ear to see if she wanted to keep going, and when a small nod presented itself, Ludovica got on top of her.
Devoted but distracted actions. Curiosity and indifference. Ludovica played the rest of the night out as if she wasn’t really there. She held both of Elizabeth’s hands as she rolled her hips and tried to let the pleasure rip herself away from the grief merging with her.
Desperate and loving. Ludovica and Elizabeth were both so desperate as their lingering touches chased ecstasy. But all the love in their hearts that could go nowhere but attempt to disappear left them distraught. Why could they not have been born as different people? Why did their embrace that felt like looking at a garden of beautiful flowers feel so sinful? Why had a love so difficult chased both of them here?
The act of love was rough and desperate. Please see me. Please love me. Their hearts screamed those words while their mouths were gagged with pants and moans. They would not allow for a moment of purity. The innocence of love that they dreamed of when they were younger had no place in this sinful act. So they clashed teeth and sucked on puffed lips when they kissed. They slammed their bodies against the bed and against each other to erase the softness of their skin. Their hands had gripped tightly against each other because there was no luxury to withhold the anxiety, fear, and grief seeping from their fingertips for another time.
When the two had finally reached the ecstasy they were chasing, it had been mixed in with tears, heavy breathing, and hand holding. Ludovica laid her head to rest on Elizabeth’s chest to hear the trembling of her heart. The hard beating thumps were barely out of reach to the teardrops dropping on Elizabeth’s chest, skin and bone stopping them from meeting.
Elizabeth and Ludovica had said nothing more the entire night. They wiped each other with a wet towel, laced each other’s corsets and took turns brushing each other’s hair. When it was done and all there was to do was say goodbye, Ludovica stood right before the carriage and stared at Elizabeth who was watching from the entrance of the estate. Plenty of words wanted to fall out of both of their mouths.
I’ll miss you. Please stay. We will meet again. Kiss me. Hold me.
But most importantly, I love you.
Ludovica’s amber eyes gazed into Elizabeth’s sapphire ones for a few moments before turning around and walking into the carriage. In the end, what could words do to ease the grief inside of them?
Elizabeth went back into her empty room, and Ludovica went back into Maximilian’s arms, both enveloped in a quiet and stagnant heartache.