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After the adventure was over and Caine teleported them back, Pomni tried her best not to think about what had happened. That lasted for about five minutes
Fury, disappointment, helplessness, and a slow settling numbness telling Pomni she should have expected this—these are all emotions consuming her after their latest adventure. But it’s the last one, persistently nagging, shifting to a voice in her head telling her she’s stupid, naïve, gullible, foolish for ever having hope that makes her knock on Ragatha’s door.
It wasn’t like she had anyone else to talk to. Gangle and Zooble were probably huddled together, Jax would just tell her “I told you so!” And Kinger.. well.
Ragatha just made the most sense, especially since it was her who was with Pomni since the beginning of that adventure, right?
“Oh! Hey, Pomni.” Ragatha wasn’t trying to force a smile, which in other circumstances Pomni would’ve been glad, but right now it just reminded her of her own misery.
“Hi.. uhm, can I come in?” she asks.
“Of course.” Ragatha stepped back. Her room was mostly made of wood, resembling a dollhouse. And right now, that’s exactly what she felt like. A doll. A puppet. Something to be used and tossed away for someone’s entertainment. Sure, she knew objectively Caine wasn’t doing it for that, but it didn’t stop her feeling worse.
“So.. how’ve you been feeling?” Ragatha asks before Pomni could.
“Yeah, about that,” Pomni sits on the edge of the bed beside Ragatha, “Do you think.. it was stupid of us to go along so willingly with Abel?”
“Of course not! What you did wasn’t stupid, you’re not stupid, I mean, we all wanted to leave the circus, actually, it would’ve been stupid if you hadn’t taken that opportunity all things considered, right? There was no way you could’ve known—” Ragatha rambled before Pomni interrupted her.
“Jax knew.”
“Well.. Jax had always been pretty cynical if you think about it, he just guessed right and—” Ragatha faltered seeing the expression on her face. “And.. did you really believe we were gonna escape the circus?”
“Not exactly,” Pomni admits, “I just thought something was gonna happen. Sure.. it seemed too good to be true, but it was more like I thought something was wrong, or would go wrong, y’know? Not that it was all..” An adventure.
“I know how you feel, but having hope really isn’t stupid at all. We all did. Sometimes hope is misplaced, and maybe next time, there’ll be an out..?”
Pomni snapped back to reality when Ragatha put her hand on hers.
“I don’t know, I guess I’m starting to actually accept that there’s no way to escape.” When Ragatha didn’t reassure her, she felt even more sure. There was a part of her that made it seem like she was back to square zero—the constant terror, the fear of abstracting, being so out of place, yet at the same there’s another part that—
“It could be that way. ..But honestly, before this whole ‘adventure,’ I was starting to..” Suddenly, Ragatha’s face is all too close, and all her thoughts vanish. For an absurd moment, Pomni wants to kiss her, and unlike all those other equally absurd moments, she considers it. Then she realizes she’s considering it and jerks back. As soon as she does, Ragatha springs up and takes some hurried steps back.
“I am so sorry Pomni, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I have no idea why I thought getting so close was alright, I am so so sorry, I didn’t mean for it to be— well, you know, it wasn’t—”
“Ragatha, it’s okay.” To make her point, Pomni drags her back to sit. “It’s not a big deal. I just, um..” yeah, no, she was not explaining those thoughts, “Don’t worry about it.”
“Are you sure? Because I would totally understand if you were weirded out, you can say so—” Ragatha seemed way too nervous for something so trivial, and it made Pomni wonder if she had the same thought. No, that’s stupid. Why would Ragatha ever think of kissing her? She didn’t even know whether she liked women.
“Like I said, it’s not a big deal. I would tell you if it was, alright?”
“..Alright then.”
Not wanting them to lapse into an awkward silence, Pomni says, “You were saying something. About before the adventure?”
“Oh, right. I was just saying, before.. nevermind that part. Don’t you think it’s pretty creepy what Jax said? About Caine messing with our minds? And then Kinger..” Ragatha’s voice sounds strained. Pomni can only think back to the bright light filling the room, Caine’s disgustingly cheerful voice announcing the adventure. And what Jax said.
“You just lie about everything, don’t you? You can mess with our minds too, can’t you?! The stupid sauce, the vegan thing.. God knows what else.”
She thought that since she had first arrived, she had done a good job of accepting and distinguishing between what was real or not.
“Scratch.. the first abstraction.”
Could Caine really make her abstract? At the snap of his fingers? Just like that? And if that, why can’t he make everyone forget about her when he does? What if she forgets this conversation tomorrow? What if it’s not real? How is she going to live if she can’t even tell what’s real or not anymore–
God, wasn’t she supposed to be past this?
“..Are you okay? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring it up.” Ragatha says, concerned. Pomni shakes her head.
“No, I..” And just like that, she wants to ask. It’s not like she expects her to answer the same way Jax did. She probably will never ask Ragatha if she returns her feelings, and maybe this could hurt more, but she asks anyway.
“What would you do if I abstracted tomorrow?” she blurts. Ah, no, she hadn’t meant to say it like that.
Every second Ragatha doesn’t respond her regret grows for every asking. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
“I.. I don’t know what I'd do. It wouldn’t be the first ime, obviously, but you’re not.. like the others. Not that I didn’t care about them, I did, a lot, of course, it’s just that you’re different. It’s different. Not in a bad way! I just– if you abstracted I’d probably abstract right with you,” Ragatha buries her face in her hands, “I really.. really care about you, y’know? So please don’t abstract tomorrow. I know this place is absolutely awful. But you have me, okay?”
Pomni had no idea what to say to Ragatha’s anxious sincerity. You have me, okay? Somehow, right now, that’s enough to get her through this moment. Feeling safe here was never a good idea. And yet.
“Thanks, Ragatha. You’ve got me too, alright? We have each other.” Slowly, she reaches out. Ragatha hugs her back. This might be the most content she’ll get to feel in a long time, so she decides not to let go.
“Is it alright if I stay here for a bit?”
“Of course.”
That’s how they end up laying down, holding each other. Pomni imagines if they had been human, she might’ve been getting sleepy. But what mattered was that Ragatha was with her, digital or not.
“You know,” Pomni mumbles, “You are the only thing I’m sure is completely real.”
Ragatha hums in response, “Really? I feel the same way about you.”
Even though that was not the way she meant the words, Pomni couldn’t help the love and affection that bloomed in her heart.
Even if there were, and would be things she would doubt, she knew this would never be one of them.