Chapter Text
I look out to the late onyx horizon before me. Stars barely sprinkling the sky amongst clouds darker than in my dreams desperately trying to hide the moon away. Dotted masses of terrain in the distance. Plain and featureless. My eyes gave up straining for the details of the suggestions, it’s not worth it this late with no leftover sunlight I suppose.
Forearms on the balcony, a hot mint beverage in hand. I try not to think too much this time. Let the breeze flow through my upper form, the cold halted by my robe. Crickets. Moonlight. Existential shivers from the wind. The whole nine yards of “living in the moment”. Yet I can’t help but drown in my own uncertainty time and time again, the last thing I want right now when I just want to get this tea over with and sleep for once.
I squint and rub my eyes, grumbling as if my tiredness wasn’t splayed out on my face already. Pretending that cleansing out the little crum off the corners would help me fall asleep any faster by the time I’ll bid farewell with this state of limbo. Does it matter really? I don’t know either.
The weights of the day before still gnarl at the back of my mind, as much as I wouldn’t want to admit it. The thoughts and inner voices lay heavier, like leeching teeth puncturing deep in the marrow of spine between where my head and neck lie. Loud and cacophonous streams of neurons, silent rest killer. Yester regrets and second guesses pile and play back ad nauseam. If not that, then it’s just restlessness from said stream with a heavy dose of resulting frustration. Lovely, isn’t it? Pretty sure only a third of it had passed since I started brewing this late.
My eyes are killing me. Is the tea not kicking in? I should be drowsy by now. Did I brew It wrong? I kept tossing and tossing around. Did I forget something? I’m surrounded by nature, I’m supposed to be in my element. Should I have said hi to Dell before heading to bed? No… Wait. He’s probably still busy working out there. Why is everything still so loud? How come I’m still numb?
It could be because you couldn’t stop scrolling on your phone. Ooh, what about that time you snapped at-
Shut it. You’re the last thing I want to deal with right now. Let alone with THAT memory. Leave me alone.
Oh, but you’re the one who made me show up though, summoned the ol’ rabbit hole waltz. Hypocrite, much?
What? Suddenly I’m the bad guy for wanting to be polite and trying to come up lines that DON’T make an arrogant sociopath with a dash of ignorance? Phrases that try to make sense? To people?? The ones I have to exist with to not go insane???
You keep digging your own pit's before you realize it, your face is an amalgam of contradictions to every other one you meet. Can’t even make sense of your own responses. You don’t know what you want yet demand grandeur and respect. You see yourself as the voice of a thousand enlightened scholars and golden poets but all you choke out of that throat are piggy squirms and cardboard imitations of understanding. Ignorant. Pathetic.
Fuck. Off. I’m sick of your shit. I already cried enough before coming home. I’m not buying anything of this. Get better material.
Because that’s all you’ll ever know, is it? Deep down you know you were born broken, only know misery and will always come back to it. Everything we touch breaks and rots regardless. Rotten intellect, you’re just a pity fuck toy prize to him and YOU KNOW IT-
I snarled in frustration, too tired for this. Readying for my inner voice to snap at the other inner me. Fingers harshly grasping my mug like holding daggers to it's masonry neck, its heat nearly faded. In this midst only at the last second did my ears catch the sound of water running in the sink behind me in the distance.
I freeze. And so does the sound. Replaced by weight in the floorboards. I recognize that mumble. Maybe if I don’t move… he’ll just pass by… I think?
“███?” – The southern drawl lulls the syllables of my name undeniably. Although… soft?
So much for stealth and solo meditation underneath the stars…
I don’t turn to face the man, not yet anyway I figure. Shoulders tense.
“…Yeah.” – My own voice doesn’t hide my body’s lack of sleep, leaving a subtle fry in the wake of each word.
“Heh. And here I thought I was the one with a sourer sleep schedule...” – He chuckles briefly. There’s a subtle rasp in the smoothly dark warmth of his voice; he wasn’t spared from the haze of sleep deprivation either. Though given his work and knowing how he conducts his time with it, I’m not surprised.
“I thought you were doing some errands back in New Mexico?” – I turn my head to face him properly.
He looks… oddly casual for another all nighter project, one of his old tank tops and knee-high sleep shorts. At least Dell’s wearing something comfortable this time. No goggles either. His gunslinger holding a glass of newly dispensed water. Thankfully not coffee.
“That I did! East Coast, to be specific actually.” – His steps head in my direction, his figure bathing more into the subtle moonlight. – “Had to play escort for a high stakes fella from Brooklyn, you know the type.”
“I certainly have an idea of who you might mean.” – I grin a little, his shoulder now parallel to mine. Twice the width, muscle and hair down to his hands. Side-to-side I’d stand tall just enough to reach his brow if it weren’t for both of us now leaning on the balcony.
“Quite the big one too. Job was brief but kept me busy enough to start brainstormin’ another contraption!” – Having now a better look, he somehow looks more alive than me, aside from the shade around his lower eye lids. It’s no stranger to the twin pair of emerald lagoons.
He takes a gulp from his glass. The small bulges of water slither briefly under the skin, bobbing the Adams apple on its way. Oh! I look away briefly, noticing my own ogling.
“So… how’s the work on that going?” – I sip the last of my now cold tea. Mild curiosity overwriting the weight of exhaustion if for a moment.
“Been stuck ‘tryna to figure the blueprint of the darn thing, long enough to find you up this late.” – His big, calloused hand gently lands on the back of my shoulder. Digits eagerly but slowly exploring the plush texture of my robe.
“Well, I’m just going to throw a coin and say.. It’s gonna be have more bullet per bullet kind of function? No?”
“Here’s the kicker. The bullet part is where got me tied me up in circles, harder grip than a bolo I tell ya!” – Dell’s rasp leaves mildly in response, seems like a man’s passion can reinvigorate him from a slump, even sleep deprivation in his case.
A snort climbs up my throat before I could stop myself.
“What kind of doohickey gets you stuck at that? I thought it was your expertise!” – The plush fondling hand of the engineer leaves its place in favor of supporting its owner’s jaw against the railing.
“The little kind that would be able to climb walls and overwhelm a target in high numbers if needed. Would be from a distance too if I knew how to get little guns onto ‘em…” - He sips again. Gaze spent too much for his face to paint puzzlement on whatever he had in mind in the workshop. Climb walls? Small?
“Wait… so like… a spider?”
“You could put it like that, yeah. Little steel arachnids hopping onto surfaces watching from a distance before finishing ya off with complementary miniature calibers out of the corner of your eyes… And hell, maybe even in the dark if stealth is needed! Heh!” – My brows rise. I didn’t think I’d be correct. Dell can’t help but grin at his own pitch, as if the idea itself was a solution to a problem yet spoken.
“Little critters could also ambush a bastard if there were enough of ‘em to swarm ‘im… but that wouldn’t be exactly… efficient. Not to mention the cleanup. Not my primary way of doing things, if you ask me.”
I reluctantly push the mildly sinister implications aside. Preferring to try and visualize how the grounded drones would even look like. Sharp, claw like appendages but inconspicuous roundness to the body, maybe? Come to think of it, it was about time he thought of a unit like this.
“So it’s official, huh? You’re finally trying to build little mobile sentries?”
“Yup.” – He pauses, before squinting at me.
“Hold that thought what do you mean ‘finally’?”
“I mean… it only felt like a natural evolution from your classic. No? I wondered if you’d ever consider building something like that.” I shrug, feeling that my answer was obvious.
Dell looks ahead. Neurons and gears ticking silently. His smile softens again before glancing back.
“Wasn’t exactly allowed to make big changes like that to my sentries… company policy and it being based on old family blueprints.” – He looks into his glass, his eyes showing he had something- or somebody on his mind. I smugly raise my eyebrow as I piece the puzzle together. Glorious shit-eating grin ear to ear.
“What, you afraid your ol’ granpie is gonna jump out of his grave and haunt you for wanting to expand on his old patents? Curse you till the end?”
The engineer chuckles. The water in the glass meeting its end.
“Nah, nah… I reckon he’d be impressed.”
“Or baffled.”
“That’s also plausible, maybe shocked enough to rival thunder itself.”
“Enough for a heart attack.”
“Hey now… He wasn’t that frail, man was bigger than an ox, You seen the photos.” – One of his boxy fingers pokes me, half out of playfulness, half out of stern demand for respect. The mild reprimand was enough for my regret and guilt to immediately manifest a pit in my chest.
Ohh fuck. Ohh Shit. I should NOT have done that.
“Alright! Alright! I’m… sorry.” – I look away. I can’t help but blame my own memory of betraying me again.
“I forgot and I went too far… I’m-I’m really sorry.” – I wince at my repeat. Before feeling the hand gently caressing my shoulder again, I must’ve made some kind of pitiful expression. I glanced at Dell again, he doesn’t look offended, more soft than anything. The visual too much for my eyes to linger on before darting back at my hands.
“You’re good, sugar. You just got a bit rowdy there, that’s all.” – The warm, patient rumble uttering the pet name awakens my neurons like men of war at dawn. Coursing my blood straight to my cheeks. I have to stretch my neck if for a little bit,
God damn it… I’m not letting myself melt this easily! Quick, what about those sentry crab- err- spiders?!
“So uhh… what about your prototypes? You said something about the gun part not sticking in?”
“Singular actually, still tinkerin’ the template for just one unit. Movement? I can parse that out in a night or two, but gun and ammo capacity? Hoo, boy let me tell ya!” – And that was enough for the titular engineer to start rolling all about his newest conundrum. From the capabilities of wall mounting motor limbs to weight distribution risks from having a in built barrel AND ammo storage into the device. Unsurprisingly I can only parse the layman gist and bit's of what he’s saying, let alone the scraps when he gets into the willy nilly technical details. At some points his arms and hands start emoting to try and illustrate a point. Nevertheless, I can’t help but look at him and zone out in admiration when he’s like this. Dirty blonde. Rugged but well defined where it counts.. Incredibly smart… and passionate.
Alright, seriously that’s enough. Focus! You’re losing it!
I shake my head when he’s not looking, reawakening my inner totally internalized stoic once more.
“In short… I couldn’t clock out where it would work, too little and it wouldn’t do bull, too much and the firing risks overheating, therefore damaging the internals. At some point I said, ‘Darn it’ and pushed that little conundrum at a later date. Figured some hydration and fresh air could help out. Then, well...” – I feel him scooting a little closer, his hand gently caressing my cheek, drawing me closer. A small smile morphs upon my lips. It’s not too chilly anymore.
A Loose hair strand pushed aside by a gentle digit behind my ear, before I sense it caressing my temples. I freeze, as to not to disturb its path, eyes closed as to sink in the sensation alongside the wind and fainting chirps of the crickets below. Getting used to a warm breath floating around my cold prickled neck. As I inhale in sync with the breath next to me subconsciously if for a moment.
“Heh… look at that, ya got me rambling more and more ‘bout my own conundrums than I should’ve…” He looks away, as if mildly embarrassed.
“I was meant to ask ya…” - I close my eyes again the moment I feel his thumb gently caressing near them just enough to almost meet the dark half-circles underneath. A worry in its touch before he speaks again after a moment.
“Hun… what were ya doing up this late?” – A worry nearing an equivalent to a mother hen for its chick. He must be seeing an expression on my face that I can’t see or feel for myself. A blind connection I still loathe.
“Had one of those days. Just couldn’t sleep, really.” – I murmured nonchalantly, avoiding his gaze back to the horizon. Though I know his worry doesn’t abate at this. I’m not sure how to feel about it. Only sense a grand masculine palm laying still near my form again.
“It damn sure looks like it, yeah... You wanna talk about it? Something happened?” – He shifts slightly away from me, thumb swaying back on forth on my shoulder blade before the hand retracts too.
“I’ve been... world hopping for a while. Wanted to get some inspiration for my own work. I thought it was going to be great but then-” I strain, mind is blank. Frustration starts to bubble, only to manifest in a snarled sigh under the weight of sleeplessness.
I can’t remember the words. Are you serious? Why is it still murky? It’s been more than 14 hours I should be able to recall yesterday by now. I have to spit out something!
“I-I don’t know, It’s all been so… foggy. I don’t know why I can’t…” – I pause. Refusing to look at Dell. Who’s murmuring coaxes to take my time.
“One morning I feel good and upbeat for once in a while, but… then I bump into things, see things I shouldn’t. I couldn’t notice or fuck up the tiniest, most meaningless of hiccups in the routine until it was too late. And then my mind went into a spiral… Again. Couldn’t think straight, practically restless the entire time. I don’t know but this time it was… horrible. There was this… nagging, persistent voice that wouldn’t stop berating me.” – I squeeze the handle of my mug. Expression probably still strained but nonetheless forlorn. I glanced at his left hand, so close yet so far from mine. I stop my pinky from twitching towards his. Passing off the thought of holding it for now.
Need to get this off my chest first before I forget.
“I-it just wouldn’t stop. It wasn’t the usual self-doubt either. I think in the midst of that I was just so irritable that I must’ve snapped off at someone trying to correct… them? Her? I don’t even remember who…” - My voice wavers, breaking from the lulls of tiredness into emotion once more. Keeping my breath steady, I can’t waste my reserve energy.
“Whatever… I just… couldn’t do anything. I just sat frozen like a duck, listening to the same bullshit river over and over. I kept running to places trying to remember what I needed at the time. Only to forget and wallow in my self loathing.” – A pause. “I broke down at some point. As expected…” – A sigh.
Inhale. Exhale. My body orders. As I stare back into the night. Pausing my words to try and construct a new order. Only then do I notice a sensation around one of my fingers. I look down to find Dell’s pinky around mine. Smaller and daintier in comparison to the boxy one. Tiny almost. Feeling it squeeze and cling hard around the bigger one in one fleshy ring coil. Like vine to a stone. I loosen it in an instant, thinking it may have been a bit much. Only to look back at Dell, still staring, face subtly softened in sympathy. A thump in my heart hits my chest. Lost for words as I drown in his gaze of green. Hyper aware of the mug in my other hand, fearing I’ll drop it.
“What happened next?” – The southern honey rumble asked me. Waking me from my stun.
“...After that I came home early and kept waiting for sundown. Hoping I’d would just... sleep it off, and all that. Of course, I just couldn’t do that either. Because SOMEHOW I was still restless into the night. Had no thoughts, but I still felt like… like…”
“Like there was somebody out to get ya?”
“No, more like frustrated than anything. At some point I just… got numb, I think so anyway, I don’t know. Aside from that I thought that… maybe a cup of tea would help, calm my nerves down. Sleep for once.”
I look into the now empty cup. Half pondering, half regretful.
“Looking back, maybe I should’ve settled for warm milk instead…”
A brevity of silence between us, if only for a moment. The wind tracing down two spines. Whimpering in the distance. Inhale, exhale. My mind lingers on the atmosphere, trying to figure my next words. Up until-
“I get what you’re going through but. If you don’t mind me asking, what were you trying to work on so badly anyway?” – Feeling some of his fingers encroaching onto the mug, A second passes before realizing they’re prompting me to let it go into his grasp. Seeing him retreat back to the kitchen as I recollect my thoughts with the fresh empty space near me.
“It was… a project I think. Like not a big one. Either.” – The tap springing into life in the dark reaches my ears.
“So a pet project?”
“Kinda? It was… about plants, or uh, plant themed, yeah, that.”
“It’s always you and the mama nature, huh?”
“Oh come on! not always!”
“Mhm…”
“It’s not my fault I’m surrounded by it and occasionally in awe of it!”
“I wasn’t accusing you of anythin’. It’s just-”
I spin from the railing, facing Dell just in time for him to turn off the tap.
“Sometimes I see literal paintings in real time and my brain is practically screaming at me to immortalize them!” – My arms finally awaken, raising above me in emphasis.
“BEGGING! I TELL YOU! I still have the photos! And I just- just-”
“Just what?” – Dell’s voice follows the clank of the cabinet.
“...I just couldn’t do it. Even back then. I was really hoping to up the output for once. Be a proper- more cemented artist… I’m sick of it.”
The same song and dance, get a spark, gather, freeze, distract, forget, repeat. A barely broken chain of mediocrity and untouched potential. And for what? A couple distractions?
Anything but do the one fucking thing you’re supposed to be good at. It’s no wonder you’re still a fumbling pity leech.
“I get that.”
“...You do?”
“Well I ain’t exactly out of the same woodwork, but I see what you’re tryin’ to wiggle out from.” – The way his tone rumbles now. Signaling how his mind ticked out an entanglement from mine. His steps and direction a return to me.
“I remember bein’ like that when I was younger. – He ponders as I shuffle myself to make room on the balcony welcoming his side and warmth once more. – “You know what I think that is?”
“What would that be?”
“Consistency. And you’re still stuck on the starting part.”
“Story of my life…”
“Now, now I ain’t jabbing at ya. I’ve been there too.”
“...Were you my age at that time?”
“Eh, maybe when I was a pip squeak.” – He scooches next to me a little closer, an arm now behind my back on the balcony railing, leaning back. Nonchalant confidence and familiarity creeping in his speech. Right, he’s the latest in his lineage. Makes sense to start somewhat young in his world.
Wait how come I feel a little smaller now-?
“I won’t lie to ya, I may have been bright, but I was quite a troublemaker before buildin’ things clicked in with me.” – He starts, a tinge of pride and nostalgia on his tongue. – “Granted, It took a bit before my daddy started hard egging me on to start workin’ on my capabilities early once I whiffed some interest in his and his daddy’s work.” – His distinct chuckle follows. The low rumble grounding me even further into his arm.
“I felt that I needed to impress them big. But a lot of my first numbers were busts, loose screw here, an incorrectly calibrated piston there, throw in maybe couple of close call explosions… All on top of studies. For a good bit, I hated it.”
“Christ…” - I’m not sure whether to feel pitiful for his childhood or be impressed.
“Yup. Couldn’t even look at my old workshop. I tried so hard to be like my old folks it burned me out like hell from even thinking about contraptions. But then… one day I thought to hell with the big ones, I ‘oughta just do ‘em small again. And at some point… it clicked! Then I started trying. New tactics, calculations. Incorporate what I knew. Little by little they’ve gotten better, even bigger! I fell in love with tinkering again. And every time I showed ‘em off, my daddy got prouder and prouder. I still remember my grandfather’s smile when I made a little homage to his wrench. From then on, I knew what I wanted to be.
His softened eyes glide down the metal hand, flexing its fingers in a smooth fluid motion. Only to turn back at me in the same manner. The arm behind me tenderly snaking around my shoulder, one stout body closer to another.
“Point is… unlike me, you have the freedom to find what makes ya happy, then again my case ain’t like most folks but still, you have your arts, you’re passionate. I’ve seen what yer capable of. You want to be better. And what you’ve had today was one of those bad days that were gonna inevitably happen, no doubt about it. The important part is that you’re trying. And that’s better not doing anythin’ about it at all.”
“And if nothing happens tomorrow either?”
“Then you’l do it again. See what you CAN do.” – His voice, so close, practically warms me from the ear. Yet clear enough to listen to his séance. Comforting yet grounding.
“It’s just starting is always the most darn hard part of all with these things. Can’t deny it. And I know once you’ll past that, It’ll get a little easier. You’ll just have to keep doing it afterwards. You’re smarter than ya think, ███. I know it.” – The voice gentle, steady, genuine. Followed by his body nuzzling to mine. Wide, strong arms cradling my form from the side, one grand hand on my waist and a probable flush on my face.
“Heh. Maybe… just maybe.” – I can’t help but lean into him, a smell so tempting to simply drown in. A smile creaks out of me as I nuzzle back cheek to cheek. My own hands frazzling the arm hairs on his limbs. Feeling the strength beneath the skin of the forearms. A long yearned sense of safety washes over me. I missed this.
“For all it’s worth… yer still an artist to me. Even if you don’t have much to show. Doesn’t have to be perfect if you ask me.”
“Could try with just small sketches… nothing too long. Plein airs can wait.”
“Exactly. Told ya you’re a smart cookie.” – A smooch meets my forehead, it with his words and embrace leave me blushing more than I should be. I leave a short snicker.
“Alright, not that smart. You don’t have to gloat me.”
“Ain’t nothing wrong with that, I just think maybe you’re being too mean on yourself.”
“Sure…”
“And another thing… I ain’t lying when I say I’m on your side here, darling, I mean it.”
One pair of eyes on another and vice versa, deep and mesmerizing. An opposite to a standoff maybe. Held back words behind the pearls. Broken by my glance to his oddly soft, blooming underbite of a lip. Closing my eyes and pursing my own as he draws me further into a proper embrace.
A pair of lips meets mine and my heart jumps, my own arms fastening onto his head. Inhaling his musk of metal, oil and ground coffee with a tinge of beer. The little fuzzy pricks of his facial hair making themselves known on my skin and into my nerves. My hands gently caressing him where they can while his squeeze me to his chest like a plush to its owner. One hand cradling the back of my head and neck. A low, relief ridden hum flows through me, the weight of my troubles so far away now…
Dell’s mouth parted, if ever so slightly, tongue gently prodding. Laving against my lips before letting it in. Feeling the bumps of my teeth and finally meeting my own. A steady dance between appendages, its only quiet melody made of hums and groans, before that too ends in a smooth retreat with an inhale of air. I can’t help but melt into him now, hiding my face in his neck.
It’s like the cold faded away, no shivers in sight, nothing but warm masculine flesh on all sides of me. If I focus enough I might even feel his heartbeat through the veins. I hear nothing but the vibrations of the night and his breath occasionally syncing with mine. The moon still resisting its cloudy oppressors in the sky. And the sensation of his broad hands rubbing my back and neck in a balanced tandem being the cherry on top of this moment.
This is nice.