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It was late at night.
Maybe a little too late at night for Hat, with his lover by his side and a head too full with doubts about what he is. He really should be happy with how his life turned out- Beautiful house, loving husband, body that looks human, almost human, but he can't help but ask for more.
Hat really couldn’t tell if the body he now possess looks alive enough. Sure, he looks like one of them but when he sees in his own reflection- there's always something a little off, do humans really stare like that? Do their eyes really scare other humans? How much mortality he really gained.
There always was that one, last question that lingered even if the other ones were absent- How much time do I really have in this place? Do Hats really possess immortality? If so- how much of it is shortened, if he really got blessed by becoming a human? Hat always felt that his lifespan had changed, gained a limit, yet he still chose to love an angel, one that does not have to worry about such things.
He became the most selfish being the moment the wedding ring was put on his finger, the happiest moment of his worthless life and the start of his biggest lie. How could Hat marry an immortal and make it bound to life with someone with a limited lifespan. Even if Hat wasn’t one of humans he sure was able to show the same amount of curealty as them.
The tears that started running on Hats face were really too much, to not try and ruin Satu’s peaceful sleep even more he got up, slowly, trying to not make any more noise and headed on the balcony.
The night sky had always comforted Hat, he imagines that the stars he sees are the same ones he used to grow up under in the Farlands, even though he knows it’s very unlikely. Remembering his childhood with Father Horacy, as happy as it was, was really more bitter than anything.
As the time passed away and the cool breeze hit Hats face he heard a faint sound of someone's footsteps getting closer. Of course he couldn't even let his love rest, always creating new problems, he had to wake it up.
Satu slowly approached Hat, as if it could sense that he’s in distress. It always knew when something was wrong with its husband, always knew what to say and do to take away all the stress from him. Hat was really too lucky of a man, and even now, in the moment when he already feels calmer, when no one has even said anything, the unbearable void within him is still present.
“Why are you here?” Satu asked while taking Hat's hand in its own. They both took a moment just to look into each other's eyes, appreciating this bit of closeness. Could Hat really say the truth, straight to its face? Would it be easier for Satu to accept now that its lover will not walk this Earth with it forever- or when the time finally comes that death will part their ways. Top Hats are really selfish beings.
“I'm just… Catching the fresh air” The uncertainty in Hat's voice really didn’t help masking his fears.
“At this hour? Tell me love, what's bothering you?” Its thumb started to do small circles on Hats hand in effort to comfort the man. The silence between the two of them long ago stopped being uncomfortable and now felt more like a warm embrace. Hat really didn’t deserve any of the love he has been given.
That pathetic excuse of a man couldn’t even look into his husband's eyes without being crushed inside from all the guilt he is feeling. Hat knows that keeping or telling the truth will lead him to losing Satu, the least he can do for it is to finally be honest. This should be good news for him, because really- how different he is from humans if he is able to show this much cruelty towards his partner and then claim to still love it?
Hat squeezed Satu’s hand, even in the situation where he is sure of losing his husband he can't keep himself from seeking the other's comforting touch. This exact scenario was in Hats mind for quite some time, he never really knew how much he got left on this Earth so he would imagine telling Satu two different versions of his diagnosis. He was sure that even though, inevitable conversation, he could get an answer on how much more do I have? Before having to actually talk about this.
If he really had an internal clock now, ticking at him, pronouncing his time of death he could picture himself never saying it out loud to his husband- living in the lie. The truth probably wouldn't get easier to say with time, just easier to hide, Hat could never say “no” to the love that he is being given by it.
He was prepared for the aching for the rest of his life, only to never see his love cry over his short life and inevitable death.
Hat was finally brought back to reality when he felt a reassuring hand on his back. He looked into Satu's eyes only to meet its worrying gaze. “You’re not just catching the night's breeze, right? Talk to me” and the request in that understanding voice really sounded like the salvation he needs now, but how could Hat just do that? How could Hat just open up to Satu when he now possesses the arrogance of a human being?
“I love you” were the first words that Hat said in a while, no explanation, no actual opening up, just a simple love confession that wasn't even rare nowadays between the newlyweds.
“I love you too” offered Satu with a soft smile on its face. Hat was really tired, today was not a good day for breaking his husband's heart, he can do it some other day. Not today.
“Can we go back to bed? I’m sorry, i’m just so tired”
“Here, I'll help you” Satu took Hat's hand once again in the evening, intertwined its fingers with his and started guiding him into the bedroom. Once they were there Satu also helped Hat get into a good sleeping position and hugged the man. Hat always thought that humans were the ones that possessed that warmth and love in their hearts, he couldn't be more wrong when right now it's the angel who is cuddling him to sleep.
Was he also once so carrying when his flesh wasn’t partially made out of skin and bones? Was he still just a piece of fabric that was just as selfish as humans? It’s really not a question he can answer right now.
“I will always be there, when you decide to share your problem with me, I know they are hurting you badly” Satu said in a half whisper as to not disturb the other man. Hat really didn’t have it in him to respond, he was scared his shaky voice would say more than he would like to, instead he turned around in the embrace, kissed Satu on the cheek hoping that would answer it and tucked his head in the crook of its neck.
That night neither Satu nor Hat got any sleep, both too consumed by their thoughts.
Love really is unfair.