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I walked up to my calendar, grabbing the red marker hanging underneath it. I pulled off the cap holding it in my mouth and swished an X on the date. It had been 4 weeks since Johnny disappeared. No note or anything he just left without a trace. My heart ached with the thought. Ache couldn’t even really describe it. It had just felt like my lungs were twisting themselves in a pathetic attempt of suicide. I didn’t even know if he was dead or alive, or if i’d ever see him again.
I walked back to my bed and plopped down with a thump, my mind racing. I could barely even process my own emotions, was I sad? Not quite. Disappointed? No, not that either. Maybe just angry. Angry at him leaving me. Leaving the gang.
I knew he had a bad home life and that was probably why. I knew how his father treated him. I could barely even call that man Johnny’s father. I’d rather him just live in my bedroom forever if that meant he could stay.
He always used to talk about killing himself, but god this was so much worse. Then I’d know. I’d know how to react, how to handle everything, but this, it was just nothing.
Just wished I could get one more of those soft kisses in secret. Wished I could have those lingering touch’s and soft glances. Another night of laying in the lot under the stars together. I’d give anything just to see his face again, even for just a second. Though all those things were slowly just becoming distant memories, eventually to be forgotten.
Where did he even go? Was it close by, or had he traveled far? I’d do anything just for a fragment of information.
Couldn’t this have been anyone else? Why’d it have to be Johnny? Then I thought about that more.
Maybe it was him on purpose. Maybe this was a punishment. No, not maybe, it was. Punishment for going against the word of God. Punishment for loving Johnny. He did, he took Johnny away because of my love, right? This was all a test, wasn’t it? The Lord wanted to see if I was weak and he learned I was.
I felt like crying, but I’d just look even more weak. Why couldn’t I just be normal? Maybe if I had been normal I’d never lose the thing I loved most.
I wanted to fix this. Bring Johnny back. I wanted to do something, anything, maybe repent. Though how could I truly repent when I loved Johnny so much? I could never see this love as sin. I had fallen to deep, I don’t think I could truly let go of Johnny. I just couldn’t repent if I couldn’t follow through.
I felt helpless, like the walls were closing in. God—why did you have to punish me like this? I tried to cover my eyes, but it didn’t do much, all I saw was faded memories of Johnny. I could almost hear his soft voice in my ears, his warm touch on my skin.
So instead I shoved them into my pockets of my sweater. I felt something cold and metallic on my finger and I pulled it out hesitantly, trying to distract my mind with anything.
I pulled it out and my head started spinning, it was Johnny’s lighter. The colour was a dark green but it faded to a lighter shade, in the side was engraved “PJ” with a heart next to it. It almost felt like my stomach was trying to eat itself, and I had to hold back the sick that came up.
I flicked the flame on with a shaky hand, taking in a deep breath of the stale air. The memories of smoking with Johnny in the lot all came up in an instant. The whispered words and stolen touch’s all filled my mind. The rest of the world always melted away when we were in the lot. Ignoring the fact that what we had was sin.
A soft glow danced over my face as tears came down in a hot mess. I felt my chest heave with every gasp. I could barely even think, only feeling the ache and remorse in my chest. The lighter fell out of my hand clattering on the floor, the flame going out instantly.
Johnny was gone, and maybe this is what needed to happen. Maybe I deserved this.
I curled up trying to mutter prayers but really the only coherent words that left my mouth were Johnny’s name.
I barely even cared if it was sinful anymore. The only thing I needed right now was Johnny’s embrace, but I knew that would never happen again.