Chapter Text
“Why are you more hesitant to go into an ice-cream parlor than have dinner at a fancy place like the Gatewater?”
“Isn't it enough that I just am? I don't want to, Wright.”
“But you said I'd be choosing the next date place!”
“Yes. But back then, I thought you'd choose something a little more...”
“What? Fancy?”
“No, just … something else.”
“What's so bad about 'Icy Creamy'?”
“First of all, its name.”
“Aw Miles, come on.”
“Stop sounding so irritated.”
“Then tell me what's wrong about this place.”
“... Very well. If we go in there, everyone will stare at us. And if we're eating ice cream, everyone will know that we are dating. I don't want that! Places as fancy, how you place it, as the Gatewater, on the other hand, are an often-used premise for meetings of every kind, be it personal or businesswise.”
“... Wait. Are you telling me that every time we went out, you pretended to have a business appointment with me?”
“No, I did not. Everyone else just assumed.”
“... Miles, that's crazy! We are dating!”
“Yes, but doesn't it suffice that we know it?”
“... We're not having this discussion. We're gonna go in there now. We're gonna eat ice cream, and we're gonna like it.”
“I don't feel comfortable with the idea of-”
“Miles, you were trapped inside an elevator with me, you should not feel so uncomfortable with going into an ice-cream parlor.”
“You still sound very irritated.”
Phoenix is irritated. He rolls his eyes and simply grabs Miles' hand, pulling him into 'Icy Creamy'.
Miles struggles briefly against the movement, but then he follows – be it only to escape Phoenix's hand around his wrist. They sit down in a booth in the far back, and Miles glances around, looking disapproving. Phoenix chooses to just ignore it and grabs the menu.
“They sell ice cream, what do you need that for? And only for the sake of completeness, it's winter. It's too cold for ice cream.”
“It's never too cold for ice cream.”
“It is.”
He sighs. “You know, being your boyfriend really makes one immune to coldness.”
Now he glares at him, not just his surroundings.
“That glance doesn't work on me, you know that.”
Miles is about to answer, but then – fortunately – a waiter arrives. “What can I get you?”
Phoenix smiles at him. “The Jumbo Cherry Berry tub, please.”
“Sure thing.” He smiles, then looks at Miles.
“Nothing.”
“Miles, please.”
Another scolding glance, then: “Tea, Earl Grey, with milk, no sugar.” It sounds commanding, maybe even a little bit condescending.
“... Of course.”
Phoenix waits until the waiter is out of earshot. “You're aware that he probably hates you now, right?”
“Very well. The feeling is mutual.”
“God, Miles, what's your problem?”
“They are all staring at us.”
“Who? The other customers? No they're not. Why would they? And why are you so self-conscious all of a sudden? That's not like you.”
“I already told you.”
“What? That they all know we're on a date?” Phoenix sighs again. “First of all, they most likely don't care about us at all. And even if they do, so what? Why does it even bother you?” He's silent for a moment. “Is it because you're not dating a woman?”
It was half meant to be a joke, but Miles compresses his lips, and Phoenix thinks that maybe he accidentally got it right. “Really?” He blinks a little. “You know, that little rainbow sticker on the front door signalizes that this place is gay friendly. No one here is-”
“That's not the point!”
Phoenix starts a little upon hearing the other's sudden outburst. “... Then what is? Just tell me.”
“It's everything. I'm Chief Prosecutor. You're a rather well-known defense attorney. If anyone sees us here together, it could have an impact on our work life. Furthermore, if this ... relationship were to be made public, we wouldn't be able to face off in court anymore – you studied law, you know that! Conflict of interest.”
Phoenix can't help but laugh and feel sorry for it a second later because Miles looks even more upset now.
“Please, sorry. I'm not laughing about you. But ... that's what concerns you? Not being able to fight in court anymore?”
“... I'm Chief Prosecutor. I'm not even supposed to assign myself to normal cases anymore.”
“I know. But you still do. You told me you'd go mad if you were to sit in your office all the time.”
“Yes, that's right. But nevertheless, I can't prosecute as much as I used to. And I do enjoy having you as my opponent. So yes, this is a big deal for me.”
Phoenix shakes his head. So you never want to make this thing between us public? So you'll never hold my hand in public, period? So we'll never share so much as a little kiss? He shoves the thoughts aside and leans a little forward to look into the other's eyes. “That's ridiculous, Miles. It's perfectly socially acceptable to eat ice cream with a platonic friend, you know? Having the newspapers cover the fact that you helped me study when I prepared to take the bar for the second time was a much bigger deal.”
Miles looks still not convinced, but he seems to relax a little. The waiter returns, placing ice cream and tea in front of them.
“Please give him a generous tip for being so rude”, Phoenix says, smirking a little.
“Who says I'll be the one to pay?”
“Hey, I'm not gonna pay for tea when you were supposed to get ice cream!” To his great relief, Miles smiles a little.
“Maybe I don't even like ice cream.”
“... Iced coffee?”
“You know I don't drink coffee.”
“You're a very complicated man, Miles.”
“You are one very exhausting individual, Wright.”
“Nope, I'm adorable.”
“I'll always deny that.”
They are silent after that, occupied with eating ice cream and sipping tea, until Phoenix looks at Miles again. “The ice cream is really delicious. It's cherry ice cream.”
“How considerate of you to tell me; I couldn't have figured it out by myself after hearing the name of that ice cream tub.”
Phoenix laughs. “Come on, don't act so stuck-up. Wanna try?” He scrapes the spoon over the ice cream scoop and reaches over to let Miles try it. He realizes with a great amount of amusement that the prosecutor is blushing.
“No, thankyou”, the other man quietly responds.
“Too gay for you?” Phoenix can't quite suppress the teasing tone, which earns him another scolding cold glance. He smirks a little and licks the ice cream from the spoon himself, well aware that Miles' eyes never leave him. (That's even more amusing, in Phoenix's opinion.)
Phoenix finishes his ice, laying the spoon down and leaning over again. “You know what would be really gay?” He smirks and closes the space between them, kissing Miles and placing a hand on his cheek, tracing one finger over it softly.
Miles goes stiff at first, and Phoenix is sure that he will be pushed away in a matter of a second, but it doesn't happen. Instead, Miles lifts one of his hands, putting it on top of Phoenix's, caressing his fingers with his own. Phoenix sighs softly into the kiss, surprised and pleased, pushing his lips against Miles' with more force. They keep kissing for a few seconds, until they both pull away. Miles is flushed red, grabbing the tea cup with both hands immediately, taking a sip and not looking at him.
Phoenix grins. “That was gay.”
“... I noticed.” It sounds not as sarcastic as Miles had probably anticipated.
“And you know what? No one is looking at us.” He shoots a quick glance around the Icy Creamy. “I mean, just look at the two teenagers there near the entrance. They're too busy making out to even notice we're here. Plus, they're probably not interested in law and would never ever know who we are.”
“I got the point, Wright.”
“Good. Do you want to kiss again, then?”
“N- No! ... Not here, I mean.”
Phoenix laughs. “Are you hinting at-”
“I'm not hinting at anything. I'm just saying that I don't care for being kissed in public again.”
Well, you didn't seem to mind just a minute ago. Phoenix's grin grows even wider. “Well, then I'll just say it's time to leave. Maybe you care for being kissed at your place.” He winks at him, observing that Miles blushes again upon hearing this statement. Chief Prosecutie.
~
They're cuddled up against each other on the sofa. The TV is off and only one of the floor lamps is illuminating the room, diving it in a pale yellow-ish light. It feels intimate, in a very strange way, because they're not actually doing anything, they're just sitting there, not even looking at each other. Phoenix takes some minutes to just appreciate the deep feeling of coziness before he speaks.
“Miles? Can I ask you something?” When he turns his head to look at the other, he finds that Miles' eyes are closed. “Are you tired?”
“No.” He opens his eyes and looks at him. “Just contented.”
Phoenix smiles a little.
“What do you wish to ask me? I thought you said something about kissing back at this strangely named place.”
“Yeah. And I still want to kiss you. But my question is related to that. ... I mean, not really- not directly, but ... somehow?”
Miles lifts one eyebrow. “Then just ask me.”
“Uhm, yeah. ... So, it's... ...You don't have to answer if you're-”
“Wright, just spit it out already. I hate this beating around the bush.”
Phoenix takes in a deep breath, feeling nervous all of a sudden. “Alright. Uhm... about this ... asexuality thing. Are you asexual now?”
Miles seems to be caught completely off guard by this question. “I-” He's silent for a second, straightening his back. “I don't kn-” He interrupts himself, keeping silent again. He shifts a little. “I... Yes, I think so.”
Phoenix nods a little, not really surprised by this answer, and puts an arm around him because he seems to feel rather uncomfortable now. “I already told you it's fine.” He kisses his temple. “I have an ... additional question.”
“... Yes?”
Phoenix looks at him, pushing one strand of Miles' hair behind his left ear. “You ... said you've talked to Maya about this. Did she tell you that she and Franziska never ... you know...”
“Y- Yes, she mentioned it.”
“Alright. Uhm, now ... do you... I mean, if you're asexual, like Maya, does that mean that you never want to...” Okay, this is awkward. “...want to have sex with me?” He's scratching his head and then adds quickly “I mean, that be totally fine! Uh, not really, but I mean...” God, what do I even mean? “I'd be happy with it. Uh, not happy, it'd be a real shame actually, but-”
“Wright.”
“... Yeah?” He blinks, feeling a little surprised because Miles reacts so calmly. He would have thought that this topic would be rather difficult to talk about for him.
“I know it's a highly complex and abstract task for you, but do you believe that, just for once, you could think for a second before you talk?”
“... Oh. Yeah, of course. I'll try.”
“Very considerate. I appreciate it.”
“Okay. Let me try that again. I wanted to ask you if your asexuality means that you never want to have sex with me. Because while … I’m okay with you not feeling sexual attraction towards me, I still… Uh… I’d still like to have sex with you, to be honest. Like, I’d really like to have sex with you. And if you don’t want to, then that’s okay, but I’d just like to know so I can mentally prepare for a sad life with an awesome and attractive man with whom I’ll never ever be able to-“
“Wright.”
“… Yeah?”
“It’s okay. I’ve made a mistake. It doesn’t sound better if you think first.”
“Ah.”
“Do you hear yourself talking?”
“… Rarely.”
“I thought so. Because you sounded like a little kid trying to convince their parents to buy them a dog.”
Phoenix laughs and leans closer against Miles. “So, can I get an answer?”
“Yes. I’m thinking.”
“Ahhh. I’m sure it will work for you.”
“It can’t get any worse, anyways.”
He smiles, the tension and nervousness falling away from him. He puts both arms around Miles.
Miles gently lays his hand on top of one of Phoenix’s and takes a deep breath. “All right. I am sure you are aware that I don’t feel … all too comfortable with situations which can be described as sexual. This doesn’t mean, however, that I never wish to have sex with you. It’s the opposite, actually. I am … fairly certain that I will, sooner or later, do … this with you.”
This. Phoenix can’t help but smile a little – because of the choice of words, and because of the message itself.
“This was … one of the things which … caused me a great deal of confusion, to be honest, when I searched for information on asexuality. If I understood correctly, a lot of … asexual people do enjoy acts like hugging or … cuddling, but not kissing or … more.”
Phoenix feels the urge to chime in, to tell him that Maya said that being asexual doesn’t mean one can never have – or want to have – sex, but he doesn’t, because Miles is staring at the living room table with an extremely concentrated look on his face, and Phoenix often talks without thinking, yeah, sure, but that doesn’t mean that he’s unable to see if someone is talking about a topic which has a lot of meaning for them.
“I tried searching for exact definitions of sexual attraction, too. However, there seem to be more than one.” Miles’ index finger draws gentle circles on Phoenix’s hand. “Nevertheless, I soon found that none of the definitions seemed even remotely familiar to me. Ergo, the only logical conclusion was that, yes, I am indeed asexual.”
Silence falls over the room. Phoenix cuddles up even closer. “I told you it’s fine. I have no problem with having an asexual boyfriend.”
“I know.” Miles nods a little. “But that's not the point. I feel ... uncertain. It makes me feel ... uncomfortable and ... I feel ... I don't know. It just feels strange. Especially knowing that other asexual people don't want to be involved in any kind of intimate acts, and I ... do.”
“But that's okay, you know? Things like identities are so complex. I understand that it's really annoying having to figure yourself out – I mean, I've been there – but that doesn't mean that your feelings are wrong or strange or something. Identities are a spectrum. Maya doesn't like sex, yeah, and obviously, a lot of other asexual people don't, too, but that doesn't mean that you're not allowed to-”
“I know.”
Silence. Again. Miles looks still uneasy, but Phoenix doesn't know what to say. Sometimes you know all the facts and there's still the “but” in the back of your head, driving you nuts. It hurts, seeing Miles like that. Phoenix can only guess that figuring yourself out while being in your mid-thirties is way stranger – and scarier – than doing so in your teenage years or during your early twenties.
They stay silent for almost half an hour, still cuddled up against each other, still holding each other. Miles' fingers still draw these circles on Phoenix's hand, and it makes him feel calm, somehow.
And then Miles looks up. “It's not only the ... asexuality thing which is making me feel ... insecure. It's ... everything between us. I understand I've been acting a little dismissive during the last weeks, but you did nothing wrong. It was just ... I ... sometimes feel the desire to try something, but to be completely honest with you, I'm afraid of doing something wrong. And this is not an emotion I'm particularly acquainted with.”
Phoenix lifts his head to meet his eyes. “... What do you mean, exactly? Try something? Like what?”
Miles returns his gaze, concentrated look in his eyes again. He just looks at him for a few seconds, studying him, until he suddenly takes a deep breath and leans forward, pressing his lips on Phoenix's neck. Phoenix's eyes slid closed and a soft sigh comes over his lips. Much too soon, Miles draws back, cheeks flushed. “Things like this.”
Huh. Phoenix grins a little and pulls him closer. “There isn't much you can do wrong about kissing, you know?”
“But-” He stops when Phoenix places little kisses along his jawline.
“Really. There's nothing you can do wrong. I always love the feeling of your lips against my skin.” He presses his lips against Miles' neck, nibbling gently, savoring the soft sounds which he earns in return. “And I actually love having my neck kissed”, he murmurs.
“I- Is that so?” Miles puts his hand in Phoenix's neck, carressing the skin with his nails.
“Mmmm.” Phoenix places a last kiss on Miles' skin and then lifts his head, looking at him grinning. “So, you're very welcome to keep trying stuff.”
He had expected Miles to blush again or to push him away even, telling him that he's an idiot and that he should stop grinning, but nothing the like happens. Instead, Miles gazes at him for another few seconds before taking his glasses off and laying them aside on the table, then leaning forward and pressing his lips on his neck again.
This time is more experimental. He kisses the soft skin, sucking at it and biting down gently. Phoenix feels a little fuzzy in the most pleasant way, grasping at Miles' hair and sighing audibly again, and then his whole body feels undescribably hot because suddenly Miles' hand is against his crotch and Phoenix doesn't know what happens and he hears Miles' words like through a dulcet haze. “And ... what if I've been wanting to try something like that...?” His breath is hot against Phoenix's skin. He takes in a shaky breath. “Then I'll have to say that you should have just done so.”
Miles presses his hand a little harder against Phoenix, eliciting a low moan. “I still feel ... uncertain ... about what to do.”
“Well, what you're doing feels like a pretty good start. But what do you think about continuing this in your bedroom?”
Miles looks at him, the mentioned uncertainty visible in his eyes – but he nods without hesitating.