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Hello there, this is Juni on 09/08/2025
This is my summary of my journey with mental health to this current date. So, my entire life from when it started, to now. I have had so many friends help me, abandon me, and hurt me. And if you see your name here, know that I deeply care for you all. I even love one of you, though I am too scared to confess.
Thank you: zee, Quinn, taffy, hubby, noe, chuuya's left eyebrow (chibiko), Lynne. and probably a couple others.
The first time I remember having a difficult time with my mental health. Was just before I found an anime called- "bungo stray dogs." I was so lost, I had to idea what this new feeling was. This deep, but wrenching nausea filled feeling was inside of my chest, this lump in my throat, and these thoughts in my mind, telling me one thing. To end it all, and end my suffering. That no one here cared about me, yet I was so sheltered I had no idea what to do.
Me and my sister branched out, and found this new anime, and she watched it first. Then convinced me too watch it. Mind she still has no idea what is going on inside of my mind. To this day. Now, I finally agreed after about a year of procrastinating. And watched BSD. I watched all five seasons, and fell in love with a character by the name of dazai. I did a deep dive, and discovered so many things about myself, I found out about suicide, and the thoughts that come with it. I fell into the rabbit hole of mental health disorders.
I found a dear love for another character, namely ranpo edogawa. And found out many people consider him AUTISTIC. I knew some people in my family had it, so I looked into it. My mom had always said I probably had it, but I didn't know what that meant. I discovered. So. Freaking. Much. It explained SO much, just like depression, and even PTSD explained. Please note, my family and I are pretty bad off money wise. So, I haven't been able to get diagnosed. So don't take anything here 100%. I hope one day to be able to update this with a full diagnosis. But until then.
Back to the topic. Alongside autism I also found a thing called age regression. A coping mechanism, where a person mentally reverts their age to a child, sometimes even a baby. It can be voluntary or involuntary. And many many therapists recommend it! They use things known as 'agere gear' which does include but is not limited to: pacifiers, coloring books, crayons, toys, fidgets, stuffed animals, onesies, and even diapers for those that regress so young as an infant. This is a very healthy way to cope, unlike how I used to....self harm.
I fell down the deep deep hole of self harm about a year ago, and started out with scissors, scraping my skin roughly along my forearm, if you look hard enough you can see the faint marks to this day. Recently, and only once. I tried a razor blade. It stung, so fucking badly. I was having a panic attack. Luckily one of my favorite people in the world were there to calm me down after I had gotten out and texted them. You know Who you are, ilyfm 🤍
I'm trying to start healing, so let's see where this goes. I have tried many times to choke myself to death, thought about overdosing. But I stay because of a couple reasons that are personal to me, and I think I might finally be doing better, thank you if you read this far, and I'll write an update next month with progress hopefully! Until then, many blessings and hugs!
------- juni