Work Text:
Atsushi stared at the object in his palm, a piece of keen steel reflecting the dim lights of the fancy (atleast for his standards) bathroom of the hotel room he annoyingly agreed to stay on for the night. The presence of that familiar yet bittersweet sensation of pain at the end of the peak of adrenaline still coursed through his skin. He sighed, well aware that his almost daily habit has lots to say about his mental wellbeing, though he keeps ignoring the dreadful confrontation of his actions in favor of the comforting sting and the faint smell of iron.
As soon as the damage had been done, he had quickly hid the wounds away with a piece of tissue paper. Now Atsushi only needed to put the blade away in his toiletry bag before heading to the shower. It was routine, his quick way of getting himself together. Hurting his own skin meant taking the action into his own hands. It helps him forget the Headmaster momentarily as well as it helps him remember what he deserved. Atsushi knew this was… what most would say “wrong”, but he thrives in pain, he feels pride in being able to be the one inflicting said pain, being independent, reliable, good, responsible.
The stinging turned into background noise as the boy carded through his hair with shampooed hands, and it continued like that while he took his sweet time under the warm water. Akutagawa said he had business to tend to and would be back in an hour or so, that meant that the hotel room would be all Atsushi’s for the time being.
They still have another night here until their ferry ride back to Yokohama, what a bother. He couldn’t wait to see Kyouka and Junichiro again, their RPG campaign had been going so well until it had to be put on hold while both the Port Mafia and the agency dealt with this new growing drug dealing group and their affairs. At least Akutagawa’s and Atsushi’s part in the plan was completed earlier that day.
It was when he was putting on his underwear that Atsushi noticed the absence of the folded pair of pants he usually wore to sleep. No biggie, it must have slipped out of his grasp when he grabbed the other clothing. He finishes dressing himself with a large, coffee brown hoodie, quickly dries his hair a bit more with the help of a towel, and goes out.
Going out of the bathroom, Atsushi pays no mind to the exposed angry and swollen slashes – as well as the old, healing and healed ones – scattered across both his thighs, since he expected to still be alone in the shared room. “You really took your time in there,” the raspy voice that could only belong to Akutagawa stated, “I’ve been waiting for 8 minutes already, Weretiger. How can you pay your water bill with this habit and the frivolous paycheck of a detective?”. The goth sat at the corner chair, a book he’d been reading until now put on the side table.
That scared the shit out of Atsush i“WHA- what the hell?!” He jumped, the pair of pants already on his hands (as imagined, it was laying on the floor next to his suitcase). “Weren’t you supposed to be out for another, like, 20 minutes?”
“Ugh. Since when did I give you a precise estimation of my task’s duration?” Akutagawa lookde at Atsushi with a scowl, “It went faster than I anticipated.”. His scowl turned slowly into a neutral, although a slightly concerned expression, when his attention went to the organised and parallel cuts in his partner’s thighs.
The younger one noticed the change, although the reason for it not yet clicking in his mind until he guided his own gaze to where the other’s were. His heart stopped, “O-oh. That's nothing-... shit ”.
Until now, nobody had found out. Nobody needed to find out, actually. He had started this as a way to be independent, afterall.
Akutagawa stopped next to Atsushi, now inspecting his face up close. The concerned expression was still present “Where are the blades, Nakajima?” he questioned, voice stern and filled with masked worry.
He knew there was no point in lying, even more trying to do so to Akutagawa’s face. The tiger sighed quietly, fists curled tight with tension. He wasn’t sure of Akutagawa’s intentions this time. ”In my bag… in the bathroom.” Was he going to punish- no, hurt him for showing weakness? The possibility of the older man commanding him to hurt himself wasn’t zero, either, like the Headmaster once did…
Locked in his thoughts, Atsushi didn’t bother to focus on Akutagawa walking inside the bathroom and then later on, walking back outside while putting something inside his pocket. “That will stay with me for the rest of our mission trip,” Atsushi heard the voice coming near him again, “I do not want you distracting yourself with such actions.”
He perked up, suddenly staring at the goth with pure panic. Atsushi wasn’t distracting himself… no, it was quite the opposite. Do Akutagawa think he’s-... “D-Don’t tell them. I mean– Don’t tell the agency, please, Akutagawa.” He begged, lowering his face down. ‘I’m not useless’, is what he wished to say.
“Do I need to?” Akutagawa crossed his arms. “Doing so would be an inconvenience at minimum, I’d only inform another soul if I deem necessary.”
“oh…” well, that was a relief. “Oh. You don’t need to. It… It won't be necessary”
“I said ‘If I deem necessary’, Weretiger. Your stand in the situation does not matter to me.” the dark haired one stated, scowling while the other flinched and lowered down to the ground, trying his best to think of a way to escape the situation (that’s another way of saying: thinking of the impossible).
Atsushi’s knees were already touching the cold floor when he whispered “Just tell me what you want to say, already”, expecting to hear Akutagawa’s verbal abuse. His mind made him aware of the embarassing position he put himself in, kneeling on the floor in front of the person he disliked most, how pathetic.
“I’ve said what I wanted to say, already.” The man pinched the bridge of his nose. “And I meant it, Nakajima. Now…” he extended his arm towards Atsushi, who expressed shock, making Akutagawa notice how the younger one lacks the ability of masking his own emotions. “wont you stand up already? You are making an unnecessary scene.”
Again, the boy stared up to Akutagawa. He thought he’d be mad, he expected to be yelled at. Nonetheless, Atsushi leaned himself on Akutagawa’s arm to get up “I’m… I’m sorry, you didn’t need to see that.” he laughs, as if self-deprecatiation would soften the moment.
Akutagawa made a discontended face, slightly frowning, until he turned to his usual impasssive expression. “I would expect your ability to regenerate any mutilation. Is there a reason for it not to do that now?” Was Atsushi willing the tiger to not heal these wounds?
“A-ah, well… that’s…” The silver haired boy ran his hand through his hair, “I’m not sure.” He sighed. Unfortunately, that is something he too wants to fully comprehend. “I know that Byakko can’t properly regenerate if my body is malnourished” After all, he knows from the burn marks in his torso. Sure, it had healed faster than non ability-users, but the scar had healed like the one of a normal person’s. ”But I'm not like that anymore.”
The goth hummed, “I see.” Although he wouldn’t admit it, he felt quite fascinated by Atsushi’s ability, but it’s a shame he’s discovering more about it in this way. Akutagawa wasn’t unaware of the detective’s personal turmoil, their work made them co-exist with eachother far longer than any wished to, or, atleast, that was what they’d say. He isn’t foreign in dealing with Atsushi’s halucinations or panic attacks as Atsushi isn’t foreign in witnessing Akutagawa’s insomnia and lack of appetite. It’s a shame that Akutagawa didn’t sense something was wrong earlier than now. The least he can do is to try not to be an asshole, right? …
The Weretiger thought he would yell at him, and Akutagawa can’t blame him for that. If this was to happen some while ago, he would put him down like Dazai once did to him.
Akutagawa changed a lot since then.
…”Go sit on the bed, Tiger.” the same one said while turning his body towards his baggage, having the first aid kit in mind. “I’ll treat the wounds since I am sure you do not care for them properly.”
Atsushi complied after stuttering an “okay”, and sat on the side of his bed. He doesn’t know how to properly describe what he’s feeling, his heart is aching, but it’s not painful. Maybe it’s just because he didn’t expect Akutagawa to be so… gentle. The whole time, he was nothing if not gentle. His cuts weren’t deep, they were just enough to bleed and sting while still recent. And yet, the older one tended to them with ointments and bandages and only asked if he was comfortable. …Since when did Akutagawa change so much?
Akutagawa decided to ignore the few stray tears that splashed on the bruised skin during his work, only moving his gaze to the other’s face when the gauze had been neatly wrapped around the other’s skin.
Atushsi cried silently, biting his lips to not let the weak hiccups out. He felt loved, and that’s why his heart ached so much. His mind didn’t yet believe someone would show such gentleness to a beast like him, let alone someone like Akutagawa. Sure, he had the ADA, but… this was different.
The goth tapped Atsushi’s knee, signaling that he was done, before putting aside the aid kit. Atsushi quickly put on the previously forgotten pair of pants and fully layed in bed, face towards the wall, wanting to recompose himself before having to face Akutagawa again. The mentioned one sighs and dims the lights low, thinking that maybe it’s best to let the younger take his time. “I’ll go wash myself now. Should you need me, just knock on the door”. When Atsushi nodded, Akutagawa entered the bathroom and closed the door.
He comes out of the bath to a gently snoring Atsushi, who hugged the thick hotel duvet like it was a pillow. His face stained with tears, yet his expression could not be more soft.
Ryuunosuke decides to go back to his readings, but he still gloats over an important matter. He planned on keeping his words: he would not tell the agency of Atsushi’s habits as long as he doesn’t deem it necessary, but what is the line to cross for it to turn into necessary? It seems Akutagawa will need to be prepared to possibly contact that Agency’s nurse, or even Dazai himself. That is only if Atsushi doesn’t tell them first, of course.