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Jimmy hadn't lied to Anya, not one bit. He had revealed his deepest secrets, thoughts and feelings, all of them on display for her to parse through. Of course, it wasn't done out of a cry for help or out of compliance, he was just so annoyed by this mandatory process that he might as well have made her as uncomfortable as possible if she forced him through it despite it being so easy to lie.
Of course, at some point Anya had to stop him, being forced to lie on the form so he would stop telling her his intimate and strong feelings for cartoon horses (actually ponies, he tried to clarify for her) on top of the rest of the lengthy confessions. It made him laugh, not in her presence of course, but it was what she got for doing this to him.
He thought maybe he'd feel better about those feelings after spilling it out after so many years, maybe the embarrassment and disgust would go away after using it as a basis for one of his sick jokes, to laugh it all off. But, no, to his surprise the feelings were still there and they still sat in his gut, forcing him to ignore them again until Curly of all people had to mention it to him.
Of course, he knew Anya hadn't said anything too bad considering Curly only teased him lightly for the comment (she never told anything too in detail after all), and despite their nice chat after he helped him with the exam instead, he was still a little unnerved to know one of his closest friends now knew about this secret.
But he knew Curly must've thought he was joking just to get out of taking the exam from Anya. Anya probably thought so too. But it still made him slightly gloomy for the rest of the day, making him focus on his job for once to try distracting himself from the pit in his gut.
He remembers this feeling well. He didn't want to, but he did. The embarrassment scratching his brain to try prying it open, try showing everybody his stupid fantasies, the fragility of it all despite himself being a man, grown now too. The deep pit he could feel, an anvil weighing him down, making it just the slightest bit harder to move. The anxiety coursing through his blood, causing the slightest of tremors, eye twitches, sweat. The swirl of thoughts, both the fantasies and the horror to them.
But it was all so stupid, just like it was back then. All of this over ponies. Dumb, fictional ponies that he shouldn't even care about because they're for little girls and he is currently the co-pilot of a space(cargo)ship. Yet the feeling stayed, no matter his age nor the time nor what he was doing right at this moment.
But he pushed it off, tried to be the same as he always was, he just needed to wait until he was alone to take care of this. And when the day screen finally turned to night, when he was allowed in his own room, when nobody would bother him about night course correcting or food or anything else, he sat on his bed, holding the, not his, the Polle plushie.
He remembers getting it his first day of work. Curly had been cheery, finding it cute they were handing these out to new employees and he had his at home (Jimmy just assumed he kept it in some corner however, not truly caring for it). Jimmy saw through the facade of the swag however, knowing this must have been one of the many products they were using for promotional material. They probably had a hundred more of these lying around waiting to be bought and the one they gave him wasn't anything special.
And yet he kept it instead of trashing it. Looking at it now, he remembered exactly the reason why. He always knew from the start, he just didn't like to think of it.
Polle was always there for him from the beginning. Despite how much Jimmy hated putting his feelings into a simple doll, he never stopped himself from finding comfort in the plushie. Whether he hugged him when needing touch (but, really, he didn't need any. He was strong. He just needed to try it sometimes, just to see why people said they needed it so bad), strangled him when angry, prodded him when bored, slept with him just to feel the slightest bit warmer during the cold nights (it totally wasn't because he needed the feeling of something in his arms), and… The rest wasn't important.
Whatever he did to Polle, Polle didn't care because he's just a doll and there for whatever Jimmy wanted. That's all.
It didn't matter that he wished Polle wasn't just a doll. It didn't matter that he brought him with himself on every job. It didn't matter that Polle saw his real self, knew all his feelings, knew the Jimmy nobody else wanted to know. It all didn't matter because Polle was just a stupid doll, a stupid mascot and a stupid horse.
But Jimmy knew, deep down, it wasn't because of all of that. His fingers pushed into Polle as he stared into him, dead eyes almost burning holes into him as he remembered. The hairline, the black silky look to it, it caught his eye.
His favorite character from that show had always been Thunderhoof.
Thunderhoof was one of the side characters to one of those popular pony shows he caught as a kid. He didn't mean to watch the girly show, it just popped up when he was looking for one of his favorite shows. But Thunderhoof had immediately caught his eye, because despite the cute artstyle, Thunderhoof was the coolest thing ever.
Thunderhoof had a messy black main, similar to the one Polle had except even more spiky. He was also blue instead of brown, but every other pony was some unnatural color as well so it didn't matter much. He almost always had shades on however, rarely taking them off to reveal his yellow eyes, shiny and bright. Sometimes they even had bolts sparking in them, mostly whenever he was angry however. Then there was also his iconic black coat, with jagged spikes and parts torn off. Plus, how could you forget the thunderbolt patterns on his arms and legs, being a lighter blue than the rest of his mane?
But it wasn't just his looks that captivated Jimmy however, it was his personality. Obviously, he was meant to be a villain considering he always showed up just to annoy the main friend group of Skitter, Dollybop, Buster and Holly. But he never showed any kind of weakness like the other villains, never got redeemed, no tragic backstory, none of that baby stuff. He always showed up to be mean and cool, and even when he lost he was always cooler than anyone. Really, he had nothing better to do on the show than just be a convenient obstacle for the main group, but Jimmy didn't care. Jimmy thought he was the coolest character ever made, even better than his mature teen shows’ characters. He was better than the main characters at least.
At first, Jimmy would only sometimes accidentally catch glimpses of episodes of the show, always scoffing when Thunderhoof wasn't on screen but staying for a minute or two when he did see him before he'd get embarrassed and quickly try to find another cooler show. But, during one of those accidental glimpses, his sister had walked in, teasing him for watching the show. It definitely made him feel guilty for even looking at it, but from then on she tried to watch it with him despite his objections (though he always watched it anyways, only to make her happy he always told her).
He hates to admit it, thanks to how much he hates his sister, but he did enjoy watching it with her since she was a fellow fan and made him feel a little less guilty watching it with someone else instead of by himself.
He also hated that he always played with her when they could play with the dolls she got of the show. Of course, he always chose to be Thunderhoof to provide the tension since her imagination was way too boring without a villain to change everything up (and they always argued whether Thunderhoof should win in the end, always having to Rock Paper Scissors to decide because arguing never got them anywhere).
Of course, this was all in elementary school and away from his parents’ view. When his parents did catch them playing finally, they chided Jimmy for playing with dolls since that was only for his sister and her friends, he had his own toys and games to play with his friends (though they also chided his sister, assuming she always pressured him into it).
For a while, he felt the worst guilt whenever he even caught a glimpse of the show. He also hated his sister that entire time, blaming her for getting him caught, and in trouble, and just for never telling him he was acting so girly. He thought maybe it was her evil plan all along, to play and watch with him just so their parents could berate him.
But after enough time, he started to sneak watches of the show again after hearing girls in his class talk about it. He wanted to prove to himself he hated the show now, it was too childish for a big boy like him, and he was above the show. Coincidentally, or maybe it was the universe trying to torture him, he saw an episode that he knew Thunderhoof was in.
He hated that he couldn't look away from the boring plot until he saw Thunderhoof. Of course, he made fun of everything on screen in his head, until Thunderhoof appeared on screen and suddenly he was quiet, paying full attention for a minute before he turned the show off out of frustration with himself.
He berated himself for even sitting down and watching it again, getting even more annoyed when he couldn't handle the tears coming out from his anger. Boys don't cry, especially not over ponies.
After that, he resented the show and all of the toys his sister had. He convinced himself he hated Thunderhoof just like the rest of the characters, he hated all of the show, he hated anybody who liked it.
Then they hit a rock bottom in their financial situation thanks to their father sustaining workplace injuries that would forever haunt him. They had to let go of a lot of things, including their toys. Jimmy felt relieved at seeing those stupid toys get put up for sale, despite how much his sister was upset that she could only keep one. But when he saw Thunderhoof, something inside him seemingly snapped.
Despite his supposed hatred, he stole Thunderhoof and hid him so nobody else could take him. He convinced himself it was so he could tear up the doll himself, nobody else got to ruin this doll but him, but he just didn’t want to face the fact that Thunderhoof was the last thing that made him happy since he had to give up everything else that belonged to him.
His sister knew where Thunderhoof went, at least he thought so. It's not like Thunderhoof would suddenly just disappear from her collection, but she never said anything about it. It was one of the only things he ever liked about her.
For years, he was his source of comfort. That doll had seen his tears, his anger, his smile, his hugs… His everything. But he was just a doll at the end of the day, an embarrassing one at that, so he was Jimmy's little secret he kept hidden from everyone. He shouldn't have even kept him in the first place, but he saw him grow up, obtain jobs just to help his family, get new friends, all of it. How could he throw him out now with all of those memories attached?
But when high school rolled around, love troubles began. He was a virgin loser, never had a girlfriend despite all he tried and all he confessed. Really, he didn't get it... He had everything they could ever want, he was nice looking, hygienic, charming, had a job and could drive… So why didn't any girl bite? They bit for those stupid other boys, so why not him when he was clearly better?
It frustrated him, especially with hormones mixing in. He had nowhere to get some smooches, no one to help him relieve himself, no one to show off to the world to show his worth. It just wasn't fair! He could fantasize all he wanted, but it never got him anywhere.
He started to think girls weren't even worth his time if they couldn't see he could be their perfect boyfriend. What was even the point when he could just take care of himself? Those stupid girls didn't deserve him after all.
But he couldn't lie, he did get lonely seeing his friends date (even if it tended to only last weeks). It just wasn't fair…
But Thunderhoof was still there for him, no matter what. Even when he was torn and tattered from years of existing, he was still happily there for Jimmy and Jimmy only.
Because of his loneliness, Jimmy had become even more attached to him. More than he should've been. Nobody else knew him like Thunderhoof did, nobody else would love him like he did, nobody else could be like Thunderhoof to him.
Perhaps he should've thrown out Thunderhoof when he started to have weird dreams of him. Well, they weren't the worst thing ever, he just got to be Thunderhoof's best friend and help him with whatever nonsensical plan he came up with. The dreams never really made much sense, but he also woke up a bit happier despite them only being a fantasy.
He also picked back up the show after those dreams. Of course, it was all in secret and he could rarely ever get a chance to see it, but he took more joy in it than he should've, even starting to like the main characters. He just assumed it was because it was a guilty pleasure however, less so about actually liking their characters and more about the taboo of it all.
Regardless, he seemed to be the only one who cared about the show anymore. None of the girls ever mentioned it, none of the boys mocked it, even his sister had gotten over her craze. It seemed like he was the only one still thinking of it and that was fine. It was his alone and he liked that. Nobody else had to know.
But his feelings for Thunderhoof began to mutate in a way he didn’t think possible the more of the show he consumed. His dreams became weirder. He and Thunderhoof would be doing something before they’d kiss, or they’d be out on a date, things of that nature. Jimmy didn’t know how to feel about any of it, that stuff was reserved for real girls, so why was his brain so persistent about its attraction towards the character, let alone a guy character? It was a pony too which just made him even more weirded out…
But, despite that, he was still attached both to the doll and the show. He couldn’t let it go even if it was beginning to make him weird. Even if it made him start kissing the doll, cuddling him close, whispering confessions of love. He always excused it as fantasizing about a girl, but it was never a girl he was thinking about when he did it all. He was a freak now, he hated it, but he couldn’t force himself to drop it.
With all of these memories, Jimmy hadn’t even realized his hands had trailed their way to the bottom of the Polle doll, stretching the brown skin there under his thumbs. When he caught himself doing that, he bit his lip in frustration. He didn’t expect to feel himself so pent up just from cradling the doll, it honestly disgusted him that his body would react this way still, but he needed to do something about it.
His nails dug into Polle, creating a hole which he teared open further, hissing under his breath like it was hurting him. He saw the white cotton stuffing sitting inside, peaceful and undisturbed. He only held Polle up with one hand now, unzipping his pants desperately to just get this over with.
He remembers exactly how it went down. He had enough of the rubbing against Thunderhoof, he wanted to feel something real. He had taken his scissors for school just to tear a hole where he always imagined it to be, sticking himself in. And when he was done, Thunderhoof was left a mess, Jimmy crying over ruining him.
Thunderhoof was forever stained. He could never get himself out of him, he’d be ugly forever now. Always gross with his fluid crusting inside of him, always a hole that can never truly be forgotten, always just an old doll that needed to be thrown out. Jimmy hated himself for crying over a doll, over something he had done stupidly without thinking, and ripped up Thunderhoof with his scissors finally like he was always meant to.
The cotton hit his bed and his tears only worsened. He was glad he was a quiet crier, he couldn’t handle it if somebody had walked in just to check up on him. Once Thunderhoof was only a shell of his former self, he threw him in his room’s garbage, hiding him so nobody would see. Jimmy was finally rid of this pony curse, yet he couldn’t stop crying like the pathetic loser he was.
He thought he had finally gotten rid of that curse until the doll he currently had his dick stuck inside came into his life. It was like his obsession came right back, except now he had even more access to the content than when he was a kid. It was still just as embarrassing however, his dark secret to keep to himself until today.
He growled at seeing Polle lifeless, unresponsive to anything he did just like Thunderhoof. His thrusts grew more desperate, deeper, both hands gripping onto Polle roughly. His back hunched over, he was completely overshadowing Polle in the already dim room, only chasing after his own release at this point.
It didn’t even feel good was the worst part. The cotton felt itchy, causing the strangest of feelings as he kept thrusting, making it just that tiny bit harder to chase after his orgasm. He groaned the closer he got, letting out noises he didn’t even care to mask anymore. His door was locked, nobody had the balls to ask him about the noises, and he needed this.
When he came, his hands shivered as he slowly pulled out of the doll. He panted as he looked into Polle’s eyes and saw that same shimmer he remembered Thunderhoof had in the show. His tears dribbled onto his cheeks without his permission, just like when he was a teenager.
He forgot how much he hated his vision blurring, the searing pain in his throat, the noises that bubbled up, the snot that leaked and the painful dryness suddenly in his eyes despite all the liquid being produced. All of this over that stupid pony once again and this time he had no hormone excuse either.
A grown man crying over his obsession with a cartoon pony, how much worse could he get?
Once he finally got a hold of himself again, he sniffed as he threw the doll across the room, trying to wipe his face off on his sleeves before zipping himself back up, hurting as his side hit the tough bed kind of roughly. He just needed sleep now, he could take care of Polle tomorrow, he just… He needed to get away from Thunderhoof, all of those feelings and thoughts, all of the femininity and all of the fragileness he was displaying.
He passed out, unaware that his forgotten in the morning dream would be of him and Thunderhoof, being happy again after so many years.