Work Text:
4 weeks postpartum
It’s late, Cassandra– Cassie, Lucy and Tim’s daughter is fast asleep in her bassinet. Lucy has been staying with Tim since Cassie's unexpected arrival.
Lucy stands in the doorway, watching Cassie sleep. The weight of her exhaustion, pressure to get it right, and her feelings of being an inadequate mother who’s failing her daughter, is crushing Lucy.
Her thoughts began their spiral: I’m failing her. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep pretending- I can’t do this to her… or me.
She looks around, baby things are surrounding her. It’s suffocating. She can’t breathe. She has to get away.
Lucy grabs her jackets and leaves while Tim is still in the shower.
Tim is sitting in the living room filled with anxious energy. It’s been 2 hours since Lucy left. He’s tried calling, texting. He even called Nyla and Angela to see if they’d know where she could be.
He looks towards the door, willing her to walk through it. Dread is weighing him down.
Something is wrong.
Tim calls Angela and Nyla
“She’s not answering her phone. She’s been gone for hours and I don’t even know why she left or where she went.” Angela is on her way over to their house already. Nyla is out looking for Lucy. Hoping, wishing, that she’ll find her.
Every minute more Tim’s anxiety grows. He feels helpless. He knows he’s not the only one trying though.
Angela has been calling her every few minutes since Tim told her.
Angela calls Nyla to see if she knows anything,
“I’ve been trying to call her. She’s still not answering and Tim is losing it. We need to find her, now.”
With Lucy
Lucy drove far from home. She doesn’t know where she’s going, she just knows she needs to go.
Her thoughts are all over the place, I can’t even be myself. How am I supposed to be her mother? Or Tim’s partner. Maybe if I leave, everything will be ok. I’ll be able to breathe again.
Lucy finds a part that’s way out of the way. She parks and rolls her windows down turning the car off. Her hand grabs her phone, contemplating if she should let someone know where she is or that she’s at least ok. But, she doesn’t. She puts her phone down and sits there.
What am I doing? I don’t even know anymore
She pulls her feet onto the seat and rests her head on her knees. Before she even realizes, she’s sobbing. The fear and guilt pushing her down. She’s scared. Scared of what she might do next. Her mind is telling her that she’s not good enough to be Cassie’s mom, or Tim’s partner. That she’s failing everyone around her. She just can’t handle the pressure anymore.
Another hour passes. Tim, Angela, and Nyla are growing more worried. There’s no sign of Lucy anywhere.
When Lucy finally comes back to the house, it’s past Midnight. The house is dark, except for the living room and what looks like the kitchen. She hesitates in front of the door.
What if they’re angry? What if they think I’m a failure of a mother? She’s so scared to face them, but she can’t stay out here all night.
She opens the door slowly, the sound of it echoing in the quiet house.
Inside, Tim, Nyla, and Angela are sitting at the kitchen table. Exhausted and worried not knowing where to go from here.
When they hear the door open, they freeze, like they’re trying not to scare her away.
Lucy walks into the house taking her shoes off and walking into everyone’s view.
Tim stands up, his voice laced with worry, relief , and anger, “Where the hell have you been?”
Lucy freezes, she stands there unmoving. Silent. She can’t bring herself to meet any of their eyes.
Tim, more soft but still urgent, “Lucy we were so worried. What happened? Where did you go?”
Lucy’s breath hitches, she wants to explain it all. She really does but she doesn’t know how. She’s hardly able to fight the tears back, let alone verbalise the battlefield that’s her mind.
“I… I just.. I couldn't stay.” she whispers. “I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t know what to do.” Her voice is trembling and she’s shaking as the weight of her actions are falling on her.
Nyla steps towards her slightly, her voice is calm but firm, “Lucy, you scared up. You can’t just leave and disappear like that. We love and care about you.”
Angela had been sitting silently until now, she looks at Lucy, her face filled with concern, “Lucy we are about you. You can’t do that to us. To Tim. When you don’t come back, or answer your phone, we don’t know if you’re okay, or if something happened to you. Do you get that?”
Lucy flinches at the weight of their words. She feels guilty, and she knows she should. But she doesn’t know how to explain why she left. She doesn't know why she didn’t answer the phone. Or tell anyone.
Tim looks at her, truly takes in the state she's in. She looks exhausted and terrified. It breaks him how broken she looks. “Lucy, please,” He begs, “We need to talk about this, you need to talk. You aren’t alone.”
She can’t hold her tears back anymore. “I don’t even know what to say, Tim. I don’t know who I am anymore. I left because I felt like I was drowning, and I didn’t know how to be here. I was scared, not even of taking care of Cassie. Of myself. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do.” Lucy is fully sobbing now, “If someone could please just tell me how to do this and not screw it up, I can do that. I just need you to tell me.” She almost begs him.
She feels like a failure. But she doesn’t realize that not one person thinks of her as one. Everyone in this room loves her. They want to help her. They’ve never once seen her as a failure, just as someone who needs a little help right now.
Tim speaks again, gently, “Lucy,’ his voice breaks a little, “You don’t have to have it all figured out. Just come back to us, come back home. We miss you.”
There’s a long stint of silence. She takes in his words. Her heart is heavy in her chest, she knows she needs help. She nods, her body is still shaking and tears are still falling, but she knows this isn’t something she’s going to handle on her own anymore.