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You don't know what it is that brings you down to the lake so late at night. Maybe it's because you've tried closing your eyes, over and over, you've tried counting sheep, you've tried to open the window to get more air in, you've tried to drink some tea, you've tried everything in the books! And you still can't fall asleep!
You shake your head in annoyance as you walk. You just… can't stop thinking. About stuff! You don't even know what it is that you're thinking about! Everything? You suppose… good things, bad things, lost things… AUGH! There are too many things to be anxious about!!! You rub your hands nervously as you walk. The autumn air is crisp and chilly, but not freezing cold yet.
You didn't take any flashlight with you… You stare up at the moon, it shines so brightly tonight. Maybe that's another reason as to why you can't sleep?
You keep thinking about the moon… about that dream you had a few days ago…
You still can't believe how real it all felt. You remember it all so clearly, how everyone acted, Susie, Berdly, the guy that looked like Asriel, Queen, Kris… sure none of them acted like how you're used to, but it wasn't in a way that made you think it wasn't them… it was more… more like you got to see sides of them that you'd never seen before? Or at least haven't seen in a very long time…
Does that even make sense?
You're still in disbelief on how it all could have been a dream. Usually your dreams are so unclear and make no sense, and you've NEVER had a lucid dream before.
You walk a little slower.
It was nice… to hear Kris say you were friends… even if it wasn't real.
You remember how Kris' voice… sounded so weird. At certain times…. like they were forcing themselves to talk…. and you've never seen them try to do that before…
But- when they said you were friends, they sounded so genuine…like it wasn't a question at all. You remember being caught completely off guard…
You had no idea what the two of you were… and you guess… you still don't. Since it was all a dream.
A part in the back of your mind tells you that you could just ask them. And you know you can! YOU KNOW! But. Can you really? Can you really put them on the spot like that?
Can you really accept the answer being no?
Thinking about Kris doesn't help with calming down your troubled mind, it all either travels back to your childhood, the "good times" or it travels back to her. Over and over and over. It keeps leading to her.
You stop dead in your tracks when you see the silhouette sitting at the edge of the lake, their body slowly sways from side to side for a few moments, like they're drifting in and out of unconsciousness but they quickly ground themselves when they hear your footsteps.
What are they doing out here so late? Are they even awake??? They're wearing nothing but an oversized t-shirt and pajama shorts. They don't even have any shoes on…
"Kris?" Their previously relaxed shoulders tense up suddenly and they seem to almost jump in surprise. They twist around to face you, their feet still resting in the calm water. Their hair is messier than normal.
"Noelle-!?" They sound almost panicked? For a second?
"Ah- sorry Kris did I wake you up? I know you shouldn't wake sleepwalkers- or wait- is that just a myth- I'm no-"
"I wasn't sleepwalking." They blink at you a few times, like they're not fully sure if you're real or not. Huh?… you thought you surprised them because you woke them up? Why did they recognize the sound of you stopping but not that you were behind them???
"Ah, okay, sorry." Is all you end up saying.
"It's okay." You can hear how their voice almost breaks but you're too caught up in the moment to mention it. They turn back around to stare at the lake.
What should you do??? Leave them alone? It's really not your place to be in their business… but
Something about this worries you. Sure your mind has been riddled with anxiety all week but. Even if you're overreacting.
You'd rather be safe than sorry. This time.
You sit down beside Kris. They don't react. They just stare out at the water in front of them like they've already forgotten you're there. They scratch at their chest frantically as they absentmindedly stare down at the dark water. The collar of their shirt is stretched out and the skin is scratched up and red.
"Are you okay, Kris?" You point at their hand.
"Huh? OH! Oh…um" They forcefully pull their hand away from their body and dig their fingers down in the dirt beside them. Their black chipped nail polish camouflaging itself among the dark gravel. "I didn't notice…" They seem to mutter it more to themselves than you.
They don't answer your question.
You consider asking them why they're out here so late at night, but really that's not your business either….
You're also out here in the dead of night, you're not any better.
"Does your mom know you're here?" You opt for instead. Because something tells you that you can't leave them alone out here. Something.
"Does yours?"
You curse at yourself in your mind.
"No she doesn't." You admit a bit shamefully.
Really? What are you doing out here? You should've stayed in bed and tried to fall asleep despite the thoughts. Your mom wouldn't approve of you being out this late. Really she doesn't approve of you being anywhere but school or the library, or if you're planning on studying. She always needs to know where you are and you hate it. Dad tells you that it's because of Dess… and you know that. You know that. But it doesn't make sense to you that she spends more time looking for the daughter that is still here, just in her bedroom, than she ever did for the one that's missing. You dig your nails into your palm. You can't think like that Noelle.
"Same…" Kris suddenly says as they look up from the water and stare up at the sky instead, their hair falling backwards to reveal their eyes. You've always been jealous of their eyes, they're a shade that you could never really describe but still could recognize anywhere. Kris pulls their legs out of the water and hugs them tightly, their nails digging into the skin on their knees like they're searching for something that they can tear out and rip apart, not out of malice but as a last resort. You shiver.
The reaction causes Kris to glance at you.
"Are you alright, Noelle?" There's something about their voice again. The tone that sounds so unsure of what they're saying, like someone is feeding them lines through an earpiece or- or moving their mouth for them. It doesn't sound fake, they mean it. But it's more like. Like they're afraid to ask it. Like they don't feel like they have the right to.
…
"I think so." Weird answer Noelle! "I mean-! I am! In general. I mean- it's hard to be alright all the time- I-" … "How are you? You never answered before."
They bite at their hair like they've done for as long as you've known them.
They start scratching at their chest again but they don't seem to even notice.
"I woke up and couldn't fall asleep again." You say when they don't answer. "Thought a walk might clear my mind," You stare up at the night sky, the stars aren't visible, it's too cloudy. You wish you could see them.
You remember camping trips with your family.
"I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately. I had a really crazy dream a little while ago… you were in it actually!"
Kris… flinches?
…
"I usually don't dream about stuff like that, but it was some science-fiction adventure in a computer world! And I remember it all so clearly! It's- heh… it's almost weird how clear it still is…. usually dreams are more like walking through a fog you know?"
You can see how Kris nods in your peripheral vision, mostly just to show that they're listening.
"And I wouldn't say that it was a nightmare, it was scary at times. But in the end it was mostly fun! It was one of those adventures you only really get to experience by playing a video game…. and the world was so beautiful and lively…. and the people- or- I don't know- the creatures? I guess, they were so nice! Most of the time at least- and I just felt so confident by the end of it! I did things that I never thought I'd be brave enough to do!!! And I-….I kinda wish it was real…. that world… " You play with some of the sandy gravel, digging your hand down in the small dunes.
…
"Sorry I must sound completely crazy to you- I- I haven't even explained half of it- and- you know what? Really it doesn't matter. I shouldn't be dropping all of this on you. It was just a silly dream. Nothing more." You suddenly notice how Kris is staring at you, when did they start doing that?
"…" Kris opens their mouth and you wait for them to say something but it's suddenly like someone forcefully closes their mouth shut. A pair of invisible hands, a muzzle, that won't allow them to talk.
"KRIS! You're bleeding!" You reach out immediately to pull their hand away from their chest. A few drops of blood travel down their skin from where their heart is. You hold onto their wrist tightly.
You look into each others eyes, like two animals, on different sides of a highway, cars of all shapes and sizes flashing by the two of you in a matter of seconds. The sudden lights, appearing and disappearing, blinding you every few seconds making it impossible to see the entire figure on the other side clearly. Except for their eyes, so clear, so frightened. You both wonder who will die first in your desperate attempts to reach one another.
They stare at you, horrified. Tears seem to form in the corners of their eyes. Their hand shakes. When you realize this you immediately let go. They look away from you. Their white shirt stains with the blood.
"Kris, let's go to your house-" They dig both of their hands down into the dirt and use the pressure to shakily and unsteadily pull themselves up into a stand. Then they just. Stand there for a bit, shaking, slowly swaying from side to side. It looks like they're trying to walk through bricks, every motion they start stopping almost immediately, as if there was someone stopping them from doing whatever it is they're planning.
You jump when they start to hastily throw their hands around, like trying to slap an invisible fly. Then they punch themselves in the chest.
It reminds you of when you were staying over at the Dreemurr's house years ago, and the TV wouldn't work until Asgore hit it in the side a few times.
It's like they restart. And they go back to just standing normally.
And then they take a step forwards,
and another,
and another.
Their gaze distant but focused on the lake, like there's someone, something out there with a guiding light that they should follow down into its quiet depths.
You remember when the two of you were young, when you swam in the lake in the summers, how Dess and Asriel were always told to keep a close watch on the two of you because the water gets deep so quickly. The town even had to put up a sign that is since long old and faded.
"Kris- … what are you-" The water covers their feet.
Is this why they came out here? In the middle of the night, with no one knowing where they are? You feel your heart bumping so fast you think it might explode. You're scared. But you can't move.
The water reaches up to their knees, the gentle movements of the quiet lake make the hems of their shorts wet.
"Kris!" They don't seem to hear you.
"KRIS!" Your legs finally obey you and you jump up from your spot on the ground, you run out after them, you don't react when the freezing water splashes all over you, you almost trip in your night gown but you run. You run.
You grab them by the shoulders which at first stops them dead in their tracks, they flinch violently at the touch. They're so…. deathly cold…
"Kris… Kris don't do this." They continue their march forward. They're so close to the part where the sand just plummets down into an unknown abyss. You know that Kris can swim. But you're unsure if they're going to.
"KRIS STOP!-" You put yourself in front of them, and try to hold them back with all of your power. It slows them down a little. They avoid looking at you, when you stand in the way of their gaze they instantly look up at the sky instead.
"STOP KRIS! TALK TO ME! DON'T- You. YOU CAN'T JUST DISAPPEAR LIKE THIS! ARE YOU REALLY JUST GOING TO LEAVE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE? LIKE DESS? LIKE ASRIEL? LIKE DAD? You weren't even going to TELL ME IF I HADN'T BEEN OUT HERE TONIGHT??? AND NOW YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST IGNORE MY EXISTENCE ENTIRELY? DON'T DO THIS- fo- for the angels sake, Kris… please don't do this…"
You barely have time to register what you've said before Kris' stone cold demeanor crumbles like wet gingerbread. Instead of pushing forwards their steps only dig their feet into the wet sand, they look like they could fall any second. Before you've figured out what makes them stop you take the opportunity to tackle them so that the both of you fall back into the water.
As soon as the two of you come to your senses after the quick change of temperature you see how Kris immediately begins to move to stand up again.
"NO-" You jump towards them pushing them even closer to the shore, they fall, landing on their back in the water, staring up at you as you hold them down. You try not to hold them too hard but your hands are shaking. They can't go. They can't go. Kris' tears travel down the sides of their face and into the water. Their hair floats around like the tentacles of a squid.
They mutter something under their breath their eyes so. Desperate.
Why do they want to leave so badly?
You don't know. When you were younger, the two of you could've told each other everything just by being in the same room for long enough.
"….I…. can…." They whisper as they choke back sobs.
"….What?"
"I CAN! I CAN! I CAN DO IT! IT'S MY CHOICE-" They flail around, making the water splash around the two of you.
"WHY DO YOU WANT THIS KRIS???"
"I DON'T! I DON'T GET TO DO WHAT I WANT! BUT THIS IS SOMETHING THAT I CHOOSE TO DO! I JUST- I-… I just want to choose." As their voice gets quiet you see how all their energy leaves them, washing away together with the rings of water you've created around yourselves.
You feel how they stop fighting back and you instantly let go of them and let them sit up. You're both soaking wet and sandy.
"What… what do you mean? Why don't you get to choose, Kris?"
They reach up to their heart but before they can touch the scratched up skin you take their hand in yours, and cup your hands around it.
"Kris. This- this is serious. You know that right?" They look away to the side, their face covered in shadows.
"I was just going to swim. It's not that serious." They don't even try to sound convincing, the statement is so soulless, so dead, like it used to be an attempt at comedy that then wilted and died.
"You were going for a swim. In the middle of October? In the middle of the night? Dressed in only your pajamas, with no one knowing where you are?"
They look down. You just wish. Augh! You just wish they could talk to you!
"And! And! Then I showed up- And then you were just-" You can barely get the words out with how frustrated you are. They were just going to… "You were just going to do it anyway?! What? You thought I would just watch? Watch as you try to drown yourself?! Is that how you see me?!"
Did they think you wouldn't care?! That you'd just sit there?
"NO- I-That's not at all- Noelle-"
"Then why would you go through with it while I was there?!"
"I WASN'T TRYING TO DROWN MYSELF!" They pull their hand out of yours and it feels like if someone ripped out a piece of your own flesh.
"THEN WHAT WERE YOU PLANNING ON DOING????? SWIM TO THE OTHER SIDE?"
"I-…" They fail to come up with an answer.
You can see that they have no energy left to argue. You've surprised yourself with how much you've been screaming. It's unlike you to speak up that much.
You guess you learned something from that dream….
You don't feel bad. That feels weird. But if you hadn't been here tonight….
You shudder and try your best to shake away the thought. You move over to sit beside Kris, you both stare out at the giant lake. The lake you've grown up knowing.
You hug your knees with one arm, you put the other down beside you. It slowly inches closer to Kris' until you put your hand on theirs, resting in the sand beneath the water. It's like putting a band-aid on an exposed bone.
The adrenaline is starting to leave you and you feel how your throat thickens. You swallow before speaking, yet your voice comes out a little shaky.
"Did you really think I wouldn't stop you??" They make a small sound of surprise.
In a way you feel selfish, asking about yourself in the situation. This isn't about you. But you just felt. So incredibly disrespected and HURT. Or like- like you must've done something SO wrong if they thought that you wouldn't even call out their name. And you just need to know.
Is that how you come across to others? Like you wouldn't even dare to stop someone from…. walking away?
After a while they take a deep breath before they speak.
"I didn't think anything I….. I just thought that I could. That…. whatever I did right then and there would matter. Make a difference."
"Would you…. would it have been a good difference Kris?"
"I don't want to die, Noelle. I just- I just want to live MY life."
"This is your life Kris." You raise your eyebrow at them. They clench their teeth.
"No. It's not."
"What do you mean? Kris? Why don't you get to choose? Whose life are you living?"
"I don't know…. I don't know who. And I don't know how. I don't know how to explain it." It looks like it takes all of their power just to force the words out. They glance at you for a few seconds, then look away. They look so… so hurt. "You think I'm crazy." They grab at their bangs and pull on them in frustration.
"No! I don't! Please Kris! Try to- try to explain it to me…" You sound desperate.
You knew something was wrong. You knew it. You could feel it. Both in real life and in your dreams.
"I think that there's a parasite in me, Noelle. And it's eating me. It's eating me from the inside and it won't STOP- " They move their hands around mechanically and angrily until they clench their fists and their arms drop like a puppet's. "until I'm just a hollow shell… AND- and I'm- I'm scared. I'm scared that no one will be able to tell the difference, because maybe I never made a difference for anyone in the first place- and- and maybe that's BETTER!? Maybe people will like this parasite controlling me more than who I used to be…"
"…" Your heart hurts. You think of maggots eating a dead animal in the woods.
Kris puts their head in their hands, their voice comes out muffled.
"You should go home Noelle. I should too…. neither of us should've been out here tonight."
"No." You say, your voice harsher than intended.
"What?"
"No. I'm not going to leave you Kris. I- I don't want us to leave each other ever again! I want us to talk to each other like we used to! I want you to be able to tell me when somethings wrong instead of-" You make motions towards the lake. "All of this!" They look away shamefully. You pull them closer to you by their hands. "I want to know how to help you Kris! I want us to be friends again!"
As soon as you say it it's like you can finally breathe again, after years of being stuck underwater. The answer doesn't matter anymore. Kris looks at you, their entire face visible, their eyes big and bright, like when you were children. Tears stream down their cheeks slowly.
You put your forehead against theirs, your eyes reflecting in one another. Your determination in theirs, and their chocked disbelief in yours. You've managed to meet in the middle of that road, the cars swerving around you, but you don't even notice that the world is bigger than your own two bodies, so close that they could be confused for one.
You have to tear your eyes away from them so that you can hug them tightly. It's been so long since you had your arms wrapped around them like this.
You whisper into Kris' ear.
"And I did notice. I was worried."
You're about to let go, you know that they're not the biggest fan of surprise hugs, or, at least they never used to be. You don't know how they feel about them now.
But to your surprise they hug you back, their arms squeezing you tightly, like they're scared that you'll float away with the water.
"You did? Y-you were?" Their voice is shaky and uncertain. You squeeze them a little tighter.
"I promise I did. I thought that it wasn't my right to ask you- like maybe you were choosing to change- but, something felt wrong, off about you… if that makes sense… or like I didn't have the right to ask you because we weren't… friends anymore…" Kris flinches.
"We've always been friends, Noelle."
When they say it, it sounds just as real as it did in the dream, you're starting to wonder how you ever started to doubt it in the first place.
You're crying too now.
The two of you cry so silently, it's like the universe remembers every time you wished to be invisible.
If anyone walked in on the scene that you two created that night, sobbing into each others arms in the middle of the night, sopping wet and covered in sand, they would've thought you were both crazy.
And maybe you are. But you really do not have the energy to care about anyone's opinion anymore.
It feels so nice to breathe again.