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When he first heard the news a wave of rage washed thru him. He thought of all he had already lost. He’d be damned if he let this stand. Her proximity in London did make things easier though. He spent months watching her from a distance, listening for gossip. #SidsReturn 1/
Then there was news of the bungled kidnapping and within the week Lockhart was at Howard’s door. “I have the blood line, you have the capital. If we both want this fortune we’d be better served seeking it as a team.” 2/
Removing the wretched girl’s guardian from the equation was the first priority. The man was obnoxiously stubborn in ensuring his ward’s safety. Initially they thought the fire did the work for them. A guardianship from prison was hardly effective. 3/
But then Sidney went and married the heiress and Lockhart was beside himself with anger. This man now had access to not 1, but 2 massive fortunes. The plan was set in motion, the challenge to the will filed in Antigua, and in no time Sidney was predictably off to save the day 4/
They had planned to murder Mr Parker but the hired man failed. Getting him imprisoned at Devil’s Island was just as good as dead anyway. So a couple weeks after the news of Sidney’s false death reached the Parker family, Lockhart confidently made his way to Sanditon. 5/
Sidney stood before Heyrick’s door, shaking. It wasn't the December cold. It was that she was here, within these walls. His Charlotte. The Charlotte he had no claim upon but forever owned his heart. Perhaps he shouldn't have come but he was a moth to her flame.
6/
Mary had pleaded to accompany him and Diana argued against his going out entirely. He knew he wasn’t quite strong enough but it had been so long, he couldn’t go another day so close without seeing her. And he had to go alone. He needed privacy as he witnessed her new life.
7/
The butler led Sidney thru the entry hall. He took in every detail, tried to see her in the decor of the house but it felt cold & formal. The sole signs of her were in the evergreen boughs and velvet bows over the doorways. He could imagine her smile as she hung them.
8/
The door opened. Charlotte’s head turned. His heart stopped
She stood. Her hands fluttered before clasping together, stilling one another. It had only been 3 years but she had aged. He knew her precious naivety was lost. Her curls were matronly now, no longer glorious &wild
9/
But her eyes. The way they met his. She was all here, his Charlotte, and it broke him beyond his expectation. He had been broken so many times since he last saw her but this cracked him in half. His legs buckled, the sight of her urging him to his knees.
10/
She knew he was coming. Mary had told her obviously. He had been recovering with them for a full fortnight now. Charlotte longed to go to see him but the voyage had taken what little health he had left. Mary gently denied her. “It would be too much for him to handle now dear.”
11/
But no mental preparation could be enough. His cheeks were sunken under his high cheekbones. His hair grayed at the temples. His frame thin under his clothes. His eyes held hers & in that moment every ache they had borne for one another was laid silently bare between them.
12/
Sidney stumbled forward, catching himself on the chair before him. He closed his eyes and tried to push away the vertigo.
“Mr Parker, please sit.” Mr Colbourne stood and gestured to his butler. The man took Sidney’s arm and eased him into the seat. Colbourne sat again.
13/
“We’ve heard you’ve had quite a horrific adventure sir. My wife and I are honored for the visit but I fear you have pushed yourself too hard.”
“May” the heart in Charlotte’s throat made it almost impossible to speak, “May I get you some tea?”
14/
He looked at her. He nodded, still astonished to truly have her before him.
Charlotte poured the tea, the cup rattling in the saucer slightly. The familiar scent of his same cologne undid her. Tears came to her eyes. She blinked stubbornly. Not in front of her husband.
15/
Colbourne watched his wife hurry back to her seat. She had been quiet lately but he expected more animation at the arrival of the long lost Parker brother. He understood they spent time together while he was still Georgiana’s guardian. But she made no effort to lead the convo
16/
He cleared his throat. He hardly wanted to host but had little choice. “You must be happy to be on English soil. Would you like to tell us of your ordeal?”
Charlotte looked up, “Please don’t. He needn’t relive that.”
“Nonsense. It’s quite a tale I imagine. What was the charge?”
17/
“I was falsely accused of murder.” Sidney said softly. Charlotte gasped. “It took me ages to find out the charge itself. I spent much time in solitary.”
“How did you get pinned with that? I know Lockhart had it out for you but how did things progress so rapidly?” Coulbrne asked
18/
“To this day, I don’t know quite what occurred, how I even ended up at Devil’s Island. I’d been drugged for much of it.”
“Oh Sidney.”
It was barely audible, a heartbroken exhale but it reached Colbourne’s ear.
A blush rose on her cheeks, the acknowledgment of her transgression
19/
Sidney heard it too. His name on her lips was the greatest gift he could have asked for. He briefly reveled in it but ultimately couldn't accept it. She wasn’t his. He swallowed. “It is over now.” He said simply. “I try not to think on it.”
“Of course, of course.” Colbrne said.
20/
The rest of the visit was brief and stilted. Charlotte could not bring herself to speak. She couldn’t understand how fate could be so cruel to a man who desperately deserved a turn with kindness. She stole the briefest of glances at Sidney, willing a sense of comfort to him
21/
As Sidney stood to leave Colbrne asked, “And Mrs Parker, will she be joining you soon?” Sidney’s eyebrows pulled together, perplexed before he realized his meaning
“Ah, no. She remarried last year. The death certificate allowed”
“So sorry. What hard luck”
Sidney didn’t respond
22/
The front door closed. “Poor fellow, quite lost it seems, but I’m sure his capable brother will find some sort of project for him, something to keep him amused and give him purpose while he regains his strength. It might be beastly of me but I hope he does not return here.
23/
“His manner is so somber. It was like having a ghost in the house. Don’t you think my dear?”
Colbrne looked at Charlotte pointedly. She turned her face. “Perhaps you can relay that tactfully to Mary. It’s almost Xmas after all. Time for cheer.” His boots clicked down the hall.
24/
Charlotte went to Trafalgar House two days later. She could think of little else. She felt guilt for not being warmer on his visit & was prepared to keep her composure now.
Mary worried her lip at Charlotte’s arrival “Does your husband know you’re here?”
“Sidney’s a friend Mary”
25/
But when she entered Sid also seemed unsettled by her arrival
Mary left them, understanding they were owed privacy even if they hadn’t a right to it.
Sid stood stock still. “I fear I overstepped by coming to your home, Mrs Colbourne”
“I fear I wasn’t very welcoming, it’s only I-”
26/
“We should let the past lie” He said. He held a chair back for support. “It wouldn’t be seemly. You know that”
Char paced nervously by the fireplace. She wanted to be here. With him. After everything it seemed an unnecessary torment that they should be unable to speak at least
27/
“It needn’t mean anything beyond friendship.” She insisted.
Sid sighed. “You made vows. Don’t take risks with them.”
“Need I remind you that you were rather casual about your own?”
“That was different. I want more for you. You married for love. Protect that love Mrs Colbourne.”
28/
“Stop using my name like that.” She snapped in frustration.
“Like what?” He asked, annoying composed.
“Like, like you are putting me in my place.”
He took two steps forward and leveled her with a look. “It is your place.” He said seriously.
The air hung heavy between them.
29/
Tom’s voice then rang from the hall. Sid inhaled, visibly agitated by the sound.
She saw it all. “I am happily married. It doesn’t bar me from being a friend to a man who clearly needs one. You have been thru so much and now you’re here under this roof. Let me offer an outlet.”
30/
“I am safe & fortunate to be with my family.”
She cocked an eyebrow “You are half crazed from being treated as an invalid & at the mercy of your brother’s will. Don’t pretend otherwise. Now sit. We’ll talk”
He chuckled, shook his head & after a pause took the seat she indicated.
31/
They spoke of Mrs Molyneux & Sid’s regret to have just missed her before she went abroad. They played chess & were soon joined by the Parker children. Their second game was played with a child on each lap, coaching the young players. Eyes met over towheads, shy small smiles 32/
They began to meet on Chars walks from school, away from Mary’s concern and w/o Colbrne’s knowledge. They didn’t discuss the reasons. It was understood the friendship, while innocent, best be quiet. They spoke less than Char expected but Sidney seemed relaxed. She was glad
33/
It was bittersweet to be w/him. Her love lingered. But she prioritized his physical and emotional healing. In another life she would have been the one he came home to, the one caring for him. It was like a phantom limb, a responsibility she still strongly felt despite its loss
34/
One day he opened up, spoke haltingly of his time in prison. “I thought I would lose my mind. I came perilously close.”
“I can imagine.”
“It was you, thoughts of you that kept me holding on.”
Tears built but didn’t spill from her eyes. She nodded, had no answer. They walked on.
35/
Initially Sid had gone to see her because he couldn't bear to not. He had to lay eyes on her once more and know she was well and cared for. And then she insisted on being friends and that was more refreshing than any tonic Dr Fuch’s could have given him. The days slipped by
36/
He prioritized her long term happiness and security as best as he could. There were times when he knew he slipped, his gaze held a moment too long, his voice too gentle. But he attempted to toe a careful line. His love for her was his to bear alone. She had her own love at home
37/
This, between them, was all temporary. It had to be. One could not live forever on expired dreams but for now it was his sustenance
Today he stood just within the treeline. The snow fell in fat flakes around him. He watched as Char crested the hill. Yes, for now this kept him alive
38/
“Forgive me!” She called. “I lost track of the time. The girls and I were sledding.”
“They’re lucky to have you.” He said as she reached him.
She didn’t know how to answer. At times she wanted to tell him every detail of her life, at times she felt she had to hold everything back
39/
“My hair came undone in the snow. I must look a sight.” She redirected, smoothing her hair self consciously.
Curls everywhere, her cheeks flushed, her eyes sparkling with vitality.
The smallest smile played on his face, regret, longing, adoration. “You are quite a sight.” He answered softly.
40/
He pulled himself together, toed his line. “Are you comfortable walking today?”
“Oh yes, it’s wonderful. Are you well enough today?”
“Yes, very much. Well, the path is clearer in the woods. Shall we?”
He didn’t offer his arm. He never did. They both knew why.
41/
They walked and discussed safe topics, Tom, his continued plans.
“You must have been shocked to see the change in the town.”
He nodded. Walked. “Regrettably, I see Eliza’s influence in it all, her taste. I confess I miss some of the more rustic charm.”
Charlotte understood
42/
Sidney realized he muddied their safe topic. Their history lay perilously close, their shared sacrifice.
“But the family is thriving. All is well” He added.
Charlotte nodded solemnly. Walked. “They're lucky to have you”
“Hm” he smiled smally in appreciation but didn't reply
43/
“Is all well for you?”
“Of course. All is well”
She prodded “But truly? How are you?”
He stopped “I am happy. Happier than I have been in years”
“I worry sometimes”
“You needn’t”
“But I do”
“Well, thank you. I suppose it’s nice to have someone fretting in your corner, besides Diana.”
44/
“And you” he paused, considering if this was wise to ask, “is all well with you?”
“Yes, very well. A bit hectic if I'm to be honest with the school and the baby”
He was quiet for a moment. “Does she look like you?”
She grinned “She does”
He looked into the treetops “That’s lovely”
45/
That night by the warmth of her own hearth Charlotte thought back on their walk, the snow, his smile. It had been a perfectly happy afternoon. She looked at her husband. He sat across the room hunched over his papers, fully engrossed. The marriage hadn’t been as she expected.
46/
Colbourne was a good man and he loved her and she him but he was frequently moody and withdrawn. He rarely conversed with her. Oh he told her mundane day to day things and he asked about her work at the school but there was no depth, no curiosity about her feelings, her dreams.
47/
Colbourne didn’t understand dreams. He knew logic and order. Strove for comfort rather than stars. Charlotte didn’t have so many dreams lately either. She used to tell herself it was bc she had achieved them all but now she felt it was because she grew lonely dreaming alone.
48/
Perhaps it was unfair. They had the daily stresses of the children between them, Augusta now fielding offers of marriage, the baby just walking. They had the estate and their tenants and her school. Life was busy and complicated. There was love but it was tied to their roles.
49/
The love she and Sidney had shared was thrilling, her first. There had never been a dull moment. And now as they fell back into each other's lives, even with their conversation somewhat restricted, she still felt like he knew her best, he saw who she was, loved all of her
50/
Unlike her marriage, there were no outside demands on the time she and Sid spent together. It was just for them. The two relationships were wildly different. She shouldn't compare. And yet, somehow she knew that if it were Sidney here, she would not be alone at the hearth.
51/
Across town, Sidney sat before a different hearth.
“What say you brother? Is it not a splendid idea?” Tom asked expectantly.
Sidney pursed his lips. He had not heard a word of what Tom had said. His eyes had been trained on the fire, his thoughts in the woods with Charlotte.
52/
It was only 2 days before Xmas. The snow melted leaving muddy slush. Clouds hung dark & heavy.
Sid looked to the sky. “We shouldn’t walk today but I have something I must tell you”
Her heart fell at his serious tone. “Of course”
But then the sky opened & the rain poured down
53/
He wrapped an arm around her, shielding her with his body. “To the boathouse!”
They ran across the field & pushed the door open. Still clutching one another they tripped over an oar in the doorway & tumbled straight into the boat before them.
Sid bolted up, eyes wide in surprise.
54/
“Are you alright?” He asked quickly. She was doubled over & he feared she was hurt.
But she sat up & he realized she was convulsed w/laughter. “What a mess we are!”
He laughed in great relief and then couldn’t stop. Both of them, wet &sprawled in the boat, laughing like children
55/
It finally subsided and she gazed at him, obscenely happy “I’m so glad you’re here.”
His face froze & fell. “Yes, well that’s just it. I’m returning to London after Xmas.”
“For how long?”
He only looked at her
“You can’t move back. You’re not well enough. The air is too poor.”
56/
Mary and Di had said the same. It was too early but he also knew he had stayed too late. It was detrimental to her and the longing was starting to wear on him. While he loathed to make yet another decision for her he knew it was the right one. His time in Sanditon was over.
57/
His news dissolved any concern Charlotte had about maintaining unspoken boundaries. Pretending they were just friends, that life was fine without him, that she wasn’t still in love. None of that was true and it seemed ridiculous to maintain this charade with him of all people.
58/
She scrambled forward and tipped into him, throwing her arms around his waist.
“Charlotte.” Half sigh, half warning.
She shook her head against his chest. She would not be moved. His arms folded around her. They sat in an interlocked heap. The rain pounded on the roof.
59/
“I don’t love him like I love you.” She whispered at length.
“You musn’t say that.”
“It's not the same”
“Of course it's not the same. It couldn't be. No love is.”
“Sidney, if we only get one life, why would we spend it apart knowing we'd be happier together?”
He breathed deeply.
60/
He had asked himself the same question recently. But they'd never be accepted. They would have to leave. And she had the baby, Leo, Augusta, 11 siblings, a school, a whole community. And then what if something happened to him? She’d be alone. Love didn't outweigh a whole life
61/
“What about your children, Charlotte?”
He felt her sob against him and he rubbed her back gently.
“Ultimately it’s not about him or I. Your life has grown and I know it lies with your children. You will always do right by them.” He paused. “And you will be happy, ever so happy.”
62/
“And you, what about you?” Her voice muffled.
He squeezed her “You have made my life perfect already.”
“It's not enough.”
He swallowed a lump in his throat “We'll make a pledge, find one another in our next life. Perhaps that one will be ours to share.”
They held tight for now.
63/
She pressed back enough to look at him.
“At one time we were on the brink of a lifetime of kisses and as you say, we may have another lifetime’s worth ahead of us. There can be no real harm in stealing just one of them for now”
Her lips a breath away, he couldn't deny her logic.
64/
He pulled her forward and she melted into him. Their lips met gently at first but it quickly became obvious that even a lifetime of kisses could not be enough. They gave it all they had, the kiss deepening, hands sweetly caressing, packing as much love in a kiss as could fit
65/
They ended the kiss in a sigh, their bodies flush, their foreheads touching, holding on.
And then it was over. They slowly disentangled, stood and straightened their still damp clothing. Sidney wordlessly handed Charlotte her hat. She fixed his cravat as if he was hers.
66/
Before they opened the door Sid took hold of her hands and turned them upwards. He placed a reverent kiss on each palm.
“Until our next life Charlotte.”
He opened the door and they parted ways in the open, each making their way home.
67/
Christmas came and went. Charlotte saw Sidney at Rev Hankin’s service. They nodded to one another as she greeted Tom, Mary and Diana afterwards. Neither of them had walked their familiar route. Neither had waited for the other. They knew their brief time together was over.
68/
Charlotte sat at the hearth alone, the fire dimming.
“I heard Mr Parker returned to London. Did you have a final walk together?”
She looked up at her husband in surprise. “You knew?”
“Eventually”
“Are you upset?”
“I was” He stood at a distance with his arms crossed over his chest.
69/
He pinned her with a searching look. “Is there anything you need to tell me?”
She shook her head.
“Very well then.”
And that was it. Outwardly it was like Sidney Parker had never crossed between them. Their busy lives and quiet companionship continued on as they had before.
70/
But Charlotte tucked the past month protectively close to her heart. The ache was crippling at times but she beared it, endlessly grateful they had been gifted that precious time to finally be happy together. She would treasure it always & wish him the very best. Her Sidney.
71/
It was an icy January day only weeks later when Colbourne said he was going out for a ride.
“Oh it's too treacherous. Wait until tomorrow.” Charlotte said.
“Nonsense, just a short ride to clear my head of all these figures.”
He kissed her forehead. His boots clicked down the hall.
72/
Hannibal returned an hour later without Colbourne. It took them hours to find him, half frozen in a gully.
Charlotte tended to him day and night, gently, lovingly, her husband. But on the third day he passed.
73/
It had been so sudden, so unfair. The children were lost, devastated. Charlotte managed her grief by caring for theirs. She poured everything she had into them.
A card came from Sidney
“Sending my most heartfelt condolences”
She dropped it with the rest, in a fog.
74/
She and the girls spent the winter and spring trodding through life. Music, books, card games, beach strolls, whatever helped them assuage their pain and filled their time. She wrote a brief thank you to Sidney as she did to everyone who had sent their sympathy, nothing more.
75/
Charlotte sat visiting with Mary in the spring. Henry was playing with baby Rose. Char couldn’t believe she was already 2 or that Henry was 12. Time went on. He bounced Rose raucously on his knee while singing. She squealed and giggled and clutched tightly to his waistcoat.
76/
Charlotte laughed. “What’s that song you’re singing Henry?”
“It's a sailor's song. Uncle Sidney taught it to me last week.”
Charlotte’s head turned in Mary’s direction.
“He visits.” She added quietly, “He asks about you but doesn’t want to intrude on your household”
Charlotte nodded
77/
Augusta joyfully accepted a proposal and Leo played soldiers at the river with Henry and Rose's vocabulary grew and slowly life expanded. Charlotte watched the trees bud out and felt the sea breezes become less frigid and more balmy. She felt herself begin to unfurl.
78/
July, Charlotte asked Mary if Sidney was coming for the regatta
“Oh yes, it's been a source of tension. Tom wants him to row. Diana says he's not well enough.”
“Would, would you ask him to come see me please?”
Mary squeezed Char’s hand and smiled warmly “I would be very happy to”
79/
She was a flurry of emotions as the regatta weekend started. She still didn't know what to say to Sidney. There was a measure of guilt mixed with the longing within her and she didn't know which emotion would come to the front when she saw him again. But she knew it was time.
80/
Mary sent word that he'd visit in the morning and Charlotte fiddled in the front room until the anticipation pushed her out of the house, her legs taking her towards him on their own accord. She took their old trail and as the woods opened onto the field there he was.
81/
His coat blew behind him in the breeze. He was at enough of a distance that she could not yet see his face yet the smile that bloomed on her face was reflexive and immediate. She gathered her skirts and ran towards him, unable to bear this last distance
82/
He rushed forward to meet her and they crashed into each other's arms.
“Charlotte, Charlotte.” He murmured into her hair.
She held him as if she'd never let go, as if he was her anchor. She cried and felt the tremor of his own tears as they were finally able to comfort each other.
83/
“I don't know what I'm ready for Sidney.” She said.
He nodded, his head tucked against hers.
“But I know life offers no guarantees and I know I don't want to spend any more of it without you.”
He cradled her head in his hands and kissed her gently, once on the lips, on her eyebrow
84/
“My love is yours for the taking, whenever and however you like. You lead and I will follow.
His form had filled out and she sunk back into him, reveled in his familiar scent, his warmth. She felt him relax against her, as if his whole body was exhaling a long held breath.
85/
“We'll take it day by day.”
“Day by day” She repeated
He nodded. “For now, would you care to go for a walk?” He asked softly at her ear.
She looked up at him, smiling “That would suit me perfectly.”
“Well then.” He answered with a grin and offered his arm.
She accepted and they walked on.
86/
It was fall. Sidney and Charlotte were now Mr and Mrs Parker. There had been no wedding party, only them and the children on a quiet afternoon. It was perfect. They split their time between a cottage in Sanditon and Bedford Place and dreamed together of what else was to come.
87/
This afternoon they were in London, receiving the Molyneux’s and Arthur home from their time abroad. Sid and Georgiana finally met not as guardian and ward but as people who had witnessed and shaped their pasts in large, complicated ways. Respect that would lead to healing.
88/
It was truly a joyous reunion. Diana rushed forward to hug Arthur first, as if Sidney had not gone years without seeing him. He smirked behind her. So much had happened for all of them in the past years, so much to catch up. As they sat around the parlor the mood was buoyant.
89/
Rose had been toddling between the visitors but began to get fussy and tired.
Sidney reached his hand out and beckoned her over with a tip of his head. The baby climbed into his lap, her head resting on his chest, her thumb in her mouth. He and Charlotte shared a loving smile.
90/
Georgiana looked on. “Have you ever seen your brother smile so much?” She turned to Arthur with an incredulous look.
“Never. I assumed he wasn't capable, something about his jaw shape perhaps.” Arthur joked.
“Yes, I think I've read about that in an anatomy journal.” Otis said.
91/
“It’s a face shape predisposed to scowling.” G said
“Unnatural” Arthur muttered, shaking his head at his smiling brother
“Like that dog we saw that danced on his hind legs” Otis said.
They all laughed.
“I can confirm Tom still sees plenty of his scowls though.” Diana added
92/
Sidney chuckled. “I falsely assumed that being presumed dead would endear me to all of you, not make me the source of your jokes.”
Arthur patted his shoulder “We rejoiced at your Lazarus resurrection while abroad but that was almost a year ago now. You are quite fair game.”
93/
Sidney looked to Charlotte and then blushed when he realized that yet again he was smiling widely at her. The whole room caught his hopeless state and laughed.
“We're very happy for you brother.” Arthur assured him. “For both of you. It is the most welcome news to come home to”
94/
“Had it happened years ago I probably would not have been quite as understanding.” Georgiana said.
“Probably? You told me you forbid it.” Charlotte said
“Ah, yes I guess I did” G laughed “But Char, I also have not seen you smile this much since our first summer. It is wonderful”
95/
Charlotte interlaced her fingers with Sidney's and leaned into him. It was wonderful, sometimes more so than she felt she deserved. With Sidney her household was full of laughter and conversations and warmth and yes, at times disagreements, but it all felt so alive and loving.
96/
With Sidney she felt grounded and tethered in a way that made her feel safe, understood. But she also felt more free than she ever had, to say and be whatever she liked, to dream and give of herself fully, without hesitation. Her life was her own & she chose to share it w/him.
97/
Sidney looked at his loved ones in the room. Even in prison, the dreams that kept him alive were not this good. Lazarus or not, he knew that he had indeed died several deaths and traveled thru several realms in the past years. But now he had been blessed with his paradise.
98/
Sometimes he woke up thinking it had all been a dream, that he would be dragged back, wake up to a time when all was empty. But then he'd feel her sleeping beside him. He'd pull her to him and promise himself that he would never take this life, this second chance for granted
99/
The world was now theirs for the taking and Sidney would happily accept whatever ribbing came his way as an easy payment to spend the rest of his days reveling in his beautiful Charlotte and the love they shared.
Fin.
100/