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Deep turquoise eyes stared at the bottle of pills laying in his hand. The small round tablets were prescribed to him after he was diagnosed with insomnia. Each night he would swallow down a pill and let the drowsiness take over his body.
Downstairs, he could hear a selection of voices. Sae was visiting for a few days and had brought his boy toy Shidou along with him. Rin could hear the roach’s sickeningly joyous laugh from his room, paired with the quiet chuckles of his parents. This was his parents first time meeting Shidou and they had immediately hit it off, Shidou’s loud, fun personality meshing nicely with his parents’ humour.
This was Sae’s last day in Japan before he would go back to Spain with Shidou in tow. Once Shidou turned 19, he had decided to move to Spain with Sae, quickly claiming a place on Sae’s team.
With a shaky hand, the green-haired teen placed the bottle of pills on his bed, moving his fingers to instead trace over the rows of scars lining his arm. Most of the ones on his arms were long and thin - coloured either slightly darker than his typical pale skin or a gentle red. A few of them were thicker, raised and numb, with a deeper red hue. A thicker, rougher line crossed his wrist, running over his veins. The skin there was ragged and disfigured, messy unlike the uniform lines covering the rest of his arm.
Another bout of laughter erupted from the living room making Rin seethe. Anger filled him momentarily before it dissolved, fizzling away until all he was left with was an aching sorrow settled heavy in his chest.
He dragged his sleeves down, covering the marred flesh beneath.
“Rin! Come and say bye to your brother!”, his mother’s voice called from downstairs. With a sigh, the teen pushed himself up, dragging himself down the stairs and to the front entrance where his family, plus Shidou, were gathered. His elder brother was slipping his coat on, not bothering to greet Rin, instead simply gazing at him with that blank expression which had once brought the younger so much rage. Now, it simply filled him with stinging sadness, burning in the space behind his ribs where the fire of fury once roared.
“Rin Rin! Don’t miss us too much”, the eldest of the three teens giggled with a toothy grin, sending him a sharp wink.
Rolling his eyes in response, Rin stared at
his brother. The two looked at each other in a silent stalemate, neither saying anything before Sae sighed and said in the monotone voice Rin had once hated so much, “Goodbye”.
The referenced boy didn’t bother replying, instead averting his vision to where his parents were stood with an uncomfortable look on his face.
With an exasperated sigh, his mother addressed him, “Me and your father will be driving your brother and his partner to the airport, you know how dangerous ubers can be this late at night.”
—
A dull pair of eyes peered out of the car window, distant gaze settled on the starry sky and crashing waves outside. His body was in agony, arms and legs throbbing and stiff, head spinning and unfocused.
Thick bandages wrapped around his limbs. They were itchy and he wanted nothing more than to rip them off.
The smell of salt suddenly overwhelmed him, cheeks wet. If he had any energy left in him, maybe he would be angry right now, a blinding anger would be swelling in his mind, a storm kicking up.
Anger at his parents for not being there, instead being across the planet on a business trip, flying off immediately after dropping off a bag of random clothing taken from their son’s room to his hospital suite.
Anger at Isagi, the bastard, for relentlessly messaging him every day after Blue Lock’s end, begging the younger to hang out with him and the rest of the Blue Lock losers despite the only replies he received being threats and ‘fuck offs’.
Anger at his brother for not sitting by his bedside, holding his cold hands as he woke up from his pained sleep.
Fuck, did his brother even know what happened? Did their parents tell him? Why would they? It would affect his career.
However, he wasn’t angry. All that filled him was an overwhelming sadness. A need. A need to be held as he sobbed in the backseat of the car, forehead pressed to the cool glass of the window, fat, hot tears running down his cheeks.
The moon’s shine sprayed onto his face, the droplets dripping down his face glimmering in the light.
Soon, the tears stopped, leaving the empty shell of a teenage boy sat on a leather seat of a car in their stead.
—
“Yeah”, Rin replied to his mother, voice hoarse.
“Hm, me and your father must get back to our trip, we had to come home earlier to see your brother”, she grinned, ruffling the aforementioned boy’s salmon hair to which he grunted. Shidou giggled, wrapping his arms around the back of Sae’s neck, whispering something Rin couldn’t hear into his ear.
Rin scowled, turning back to his mother.
“Since we’re going to the airport anyway, we’re simply going to go back to our trip straight from there, okay baby?”, his mother smiled, stepping towards Rin to press a hand to the back of his neck. Understanding what she was asking, the greenette leaned down allowing her to press a soft kiss to his forehead. Her hand felt odd against his chilled neck, not having felt human touch in weeks. “Stay safe, okay? Me and your father will be sending money to your bank account every month as usual.”
Rin nodded weakly, desperate protests dying in his throat before they could even reach his mouth. Why couldn’t they stay a bit longer? Why could they take time off for Sae but never for Rin? Why did he have to be alone again?
His father walked up to him, patting his back with a large hand, nodding towards him before walking out the door, dragging a suitcase behind him.
Rin’s mother send him another warm smile before grabbing her handbag and one of the suitcases in front of Shidou and Sae.
“Oh! Mrs Itoshi, please let me”, the blonde smiled, sharp teeth on display, grabbing the bag from her hand, walking out the door with the elder woman.
Sae turned to follow them sending a surge of panic through his younger brother.
“Nii-chan!”, he forced out, his tongue feeling too heavy for his own mouth, teeth itching.
Sae twisted back around, stead gaze settling on Rin.
“I-“, he swallowed, unsure. His hands trembled by his side as he settled his vision to the floor.
“I don’t have all day, spit it out”, Sae said, expression bored, as usual.
“I love you”, he choked out before swivelling around with a scowl and escaping to his room, not bothering to listen for a reply.
“I love you too”, Sae whispered back, even though Rin was already long gone.
—
Rin settled back in his room, grabbing the bottle of sleeping pills sitting untouched on his bed.
He grabbed his phone from his pocket, switching to the messages app. Clicking on the 11 unread messages from Isagi, he read through them in the deafening silence.
—
Bastard: Rin!
10:34
Bastard: Me bachira kunigami chigiri reo nagi and some of the others r meeting up next week
10:36
Bastard: R u free?
10:37
Bastard: Rin!!!
14:56
Bastard: Rinnn!!!
14:56
Bastard: Pls reply!
14:57
Bastard: Rin!! Pls i wanna see you :(
16:20
Bastard: I’m older than you so respect your elders and respond!!
16:22
Bastard: Seriously r u okay? Usually u woulda replied and told me to fuck off and die by now
17:06
(3) voice calls from (Bastard)
Bastard: Rin plsss
19:43
(1) voice call from (Bastard)
Bastard: I hope you’re okay Rin, pls reply soon, I’m getting worried
22:04
—
Rin let out a sigh, reading over the messages. He glanced back to the bottle of pills sitting beside him, frowning.
—
Pretty boy: Sorry
23:29
Pretty boy: I haven’t been on my phone
23:30
Pretty boy: I’m not free, sorry
23:30
(Bastard) is online
Bastard: RIN!!!
23:31
Bastard: I WSS SO WORREID R U OSKY???
23:31
Pretty boy: I’m fine
23:32
Bastard: r you sure? u seem sad
23:33
Pretty boy: How can I seem sad? This is text?
23:34
Bastard: You aren’t telling me to fuck off and die and you APOLOGISED!! r u sure you’re okay?
23:36
Pretty boy: I’m sure, just tired. Live a good life Isagi, you’re a good player, I wish you the best. Thank you for trying to include me.
23:38
Bastard: what
23:39
Bastard: Rin wtf r u on rn, what’s wrong? you aren’t acting like yourself
23:39
Pretty boy: I’m just tired, goodnight Isagi
23:41
(Pretty boy) is offline
—
Quiet dings sounded from his phone as Rin took a few measured deep breaths before switching his phone back on and flicking to his texts with Shidou. Scrolling slightly backwards in their conversations, if you could even call them that, he read through the blocks of messages Shidou would send him which Rin would diligently ignore or respond to by simply telling him to fuck off.
Once he arrived at the most recent message, Rin began typing, reading over the short paragraph he had wrote out over and over before sending it with a shaky thumb.
—
Licky rin: Hi Shidou. I don’t really know how to start this. I just wanted to say thank you. My brother clearly loves you a lot and even though I say I hate you I’m grateful he has you. You genuinely make him happy, something I can’t do anymore. So, thank you for being there for him.
23:46
—
Finally, he flipped to Sae’s contact. He had only got it recently after Shidou pestered Sae into getting Rin’s number as it was ‘weird’ that he didn’t already have it.
There was hardly any messages in their history so Rin didn’t bother reading back. Rather, he sat there, typing and retyping his message before eventually hitting send with a hesitant, shaking thumb.
Immediately, he threw his phone across the room, not bothering to check on it, already knowing it was unsalvageable by the sickening crack it made.
He pulled off his sweater and changed into a comfortable pair of sweats paired with his softest shirt. Slipping under the covers of his bed, he grasped the bottle of pills with a trembling fist and dumped a handful onto his palm.
—
“Sae! I’m hungry”, Shidou drawled, leaning his head against Sae’s shoulder.
“We just ate. Anyway, our flight is in less than an hour, be patient”, Sae responded, sliding an arm around the talker’s waist.
Shidou pouts, grabbing his phone to check his messages. After a moment his brow furrowed and he begins to type frantically.
“Is something the matter?”, the red head asks.
“Did you get a weird text from Rinny too?”, he asks, finally looking up from his phone screen.
“Hm, let me have a look. What do you mean by weird?”, the other asks, rummaging for his phone in his bag before switching it on.
“Dunno.. just, out of character? It’s not normally for Rinny to be all sappy. Isagi’s spamming the group chat asking if anyone’s heard from him too”, Shidou mumbles, uncharacteristically quiet as he returns to typing.
Sae’s gaze settles on his own phone screen, body becoming still until he stands up abruptly.
“Let’s go. Now. There’s something wrong with Rin”, Sae growls, grabbing Shidou’s hand and swinging his backpack over his shoulder as he rushes the two of them out of the airport.
—
Rin felt like he was floating.
His body felt like it was nestled in the tender warmth of a cloud.
His mind was fuzzy, thoughts sluggish, as he struggled to keep his mind along one train of thought, though he couldn’t bring himself to care too much.
Distantly, he knew his stomach felt uncomfortable but the mind-numbing dizziness wrapped around him was so encompassing that he could barely notice.
Each of his limbs felt disconnected from his body, each too heavy to move. Lidded, blurred eyes slowly staggered across the room, examining the blank of his wall that his vision had ended up settling on.
Time stretched around him, each minute passing feeling like a second and an hour all at once.
His lips at some point curled into a ditzy smile, likely delirious from the buzz of the pills.
After a few minutes of hazy thinking, slow thoughts rushing around his mind in an overwhelming blur, a hysterical giggle burst from his mouth, ripping from his throat. With herculean effort he shifted his body to be buried further into his pillow, still giggling quietly into the sheets before settling back into comfortable silence.
—
“Fuck! This is taking too long, let’s just take my parents’ car” Sae growled, angrily tapping his foot, eyes staring intensely at his phone screen, watching the tracker for the uber he had just booked.
“Sae-chan, calm down, Im sure your dearest Rinny is okay. Anyway, we don’t have the keys and neither of us can drive”, Shidou murmured into his ear, wrapping a slender arm around the red head’s waist.
“No! He- he’s not fucking okay, I need to go home. Now.” Sae grumbled, breathing speeding up.
“Sae-chan-“, before the blonde could comfort his lover a black uber parked in front of them. Sae slammed open the door, throwing himself in, his boyfriend followed quickly after.
“I need you to get me here-“, Sae shoved his phone screen displaying his home address into the disinterested driver’s face, “-as soon as possible! I’ll pay any amount just get me home!”, Sae was shouting by now to which Shidou rested a warm hand on the small of his back.
The driver nodded and the car started up, speeding off down the highway.
Sae was sucking in harsh breaths, desperately trying to get his heart rate under control before giving up and grabbing his phone. He slammed his finger into Rin’s contact, praying he would answer the phone.
“My darling”, Shidou drawled, “Can you take a deep breath for me? I think you’re having a panic attack”, Shidou murmured against Sae’s ear, fully leaning against the younger’s shoulder.
Sae took in another shaky, challenged breath, still focused on the fact that Rin was definitely not picking up the phone.
“He- he’s in danger. I-“, Sae held back a sob, irritably rubbing the tears beading in his eyes away with his sleeve. “Go faster!”, he yelled at the driver to which the man in question simply sighed and pressed on the accelerator.
“I know my love, but you’re going to be no help to him panicking like this. Deep breaths, you can do it”, Shidou smiled, a more subdued, gentle smile, reserved only for his mother, his sisters and, of course, Sae.
Sae nodded, hands trembling as he finally settled his breaths. Wiping the stray tears from his cheeks, he tried to call Rin again to no avail.
“What did he say to you?”, the teen beside him tentatively asked, still leaned against his shoulder.
“He..”, Sae shook his head, opting to ignore the question and instead try to call Rin again. Shidou decided not to push, instead snaking an arm back around Sae’s waist, pulling his hips closer to him in an attempt at comfort. His boyfriend was still shaking slightly but his breathing was steadier now.
Soon, the car was slowing down and Sae threw his seatbelt off.
“We’re here”, a gruff voice from the front seat grunted as the car halted to which the midfielder hurled the door open, flinging himself outside, and ran to his front door.
—
At some point the teen had started crying.
His face was pressing into the pillow that his arms were wrapped around, soft tears soaking the fabric.
He was nauseatingly dizzy, the cloudy feeling taking over his mind no longer soothing but instead scary. He felt out of control, as though his body could do as it pleased. His limbs ached too much to move and his throat was tight and dry. Hot tears bled into his pillow case but no sobs came from his mouth.
He could vaguely hear a slam coming from downstairs followed by noises that he was too overwhelmed to place. His chest felt tight, lungs struggling to take in breaths.
“Rin!”, a voice shouted, forcing a pathetic whimper to slip from his lips.
—
Sae frantically ran up the stairs, opening the door to Rin’s bedroom. His brother was lying in his bed, wrapped around a pillow, face buried into the soft material. The tips of his fingers were tinged blue, skin deathly pale.
“Rin!”, he exclaimed, a pained feeling of dread seizing his heart. The older rushed forward, pulling the younger’s duvet off and immediately pressing two fingers against his pulse on his neck.
He let out a breath of relief feeling a slow beating bellow his fingers.
“Rin..”, he repeated softly, tilting his face away from his pillow. The pillow had two wet spots where gentle tears had flowed into the fabric and another where drool had fallen from his lips.
Matching his fingertips, the boy’s lips were tinted blue. He looked sickly, eyes half lidded and clouded over.
Another person entered the room, a quiet gasp coming from behind, though Sae zoned it out, focused on his brother.
“Rin.. can you hear me? You lukewarm idiot.. what did you do”, he mumbles, pressing a palm against his brother’s cold face. “Rin..” he repeated once more, the word sounding almost like a whimper falling from his lips.
—
His duvet had been taken away from his upper body and something warm was pressed against his cheek sending tender warmth through his icy bones.
Someone was whispering above him and a familiar pinkish red had invaded his murky vision.
A whine spilt from his throat as another wave of shivers was sent down his spine prompting another surge of nausea in his stomach.
“You’re gonna be okay”, a voice invaded his foggy mind.
He felt pathetic and confused, unable to move and unable to see. Why was he so out of control? Desperately, he whined again, craving to add another burning slash to his wrists, just to get in control again.
“Nii-chan’s sorry Rin, he’s gonna help you, you’re gonna be okay”, a voice said.
Wait, nii-chan? No.. nii-chan was gone. Nii-chan hated him.
Another groan came from his lips, confusion flooding him. Words were ripped from his throat but he wasn’t sure what he was exactly saying, limbs flailing slightly as he desperately tried to move, wanting to know what was going on.
Hot tears were running down his cold cheeks, hitting the hand still pressing against him.
—
“Nii-“, a gasped mewl came from the boy in his arms, shifting uncontrollably beside him, “Nii-chan.. help”
Something inside Sae felt like it had broken, tears finally spilling from his eyes freely.
“The ambulance is almost here, he’s gonna be okay, just keep him awake, okay?”, a voice said behind him, a hand pressing against his back right below his neck in comfort.
Faraway sirens broke through the air making Sae frown, rubbing a hand to Rin’s shoulder, desperately trying to provide some warmth to the freezing boy.
—
Hands. There were hands on him. Hands were touching him, moving over his body. Each touch felt like it was burning him, stabbing his sensitive frosty skin.
The soothing touch of nii-chan was gone, replaced with agonising touches of strangers. Voices were speaking to him, roaring in his ear, making his head spin. With a few harsh breaths, head hurting he allowed the sleepiness that had been threatening him all evening to take over.
—
The first thing he heard when he woke up was beeping. Forcefully, he pried his eyes open only to be met with harsh white blinding him. He forced out a groan, he had done that a lot recently, hadn’t he? His sharp, teal eyes blinked a couple times as he tried to recall the events of the previous night.
Suddenly, everything came back to him and he opened his eyes all the way.
“Rin..”, a hoarse voice came from beside him. Only then did he feel the hand pressed over top his own. Shifting his eyes to the side a messy mop of salmon pink came into view.
“Nii-cha-“, he started, throat burning as he attempted to speak.
“Don’t ’nii-chan’ me you lukewarm idiot, why the fuck would you do that!”, Sae’s voice broke through the haze of Rin’s half-awakened state as he sat up sharply from where he was slumped at Rin’s bedside.
Taking in his brother’s appearance, Sae’s hair was a mess, eyes red and rubbed raw seemingly from crying. His face sat in the neutral deadpan Rin was used to overlaid with anger and regret. His teal eyes glistened with an emotion Rin couldn’t find the energy to place (worry? concern, perhaps?). For a moment the only sound filling the room was Rin’s shallow breathing and Sae’s slightly harsher breaths.
“Nii-chan..”, Rin whispered again, unsure on what to say.
“You worried me.. and.. and I want to help”, Sae said matter-of-factly, squeezing Rin’s hand reassuringly. “I.. I know I’ve made some mistakes and I’ve said some things which might have hurt you, but I never wanted it to come to this. I.. I only wanted to help you. Things happened in Spain.. when I came back I didn’t know how to deal with my emotions. Really, I still don’t think I know how to deal with them.. but I want to try - for you, Rin.” , Sae swallowed, words hesitant and unsure, unused to talking openly about how he was feeling.
Rin took in a shaky breath, eyes stinging. “Okay”, he whispered breathily, voice timid.
“Are.. are mom and dad here?”, Rin eventually said after a few moments of silence.
Shaking his head, Sae leaned back in his chair. “The hospital called them but when they found out I was already here they uh.. decided not to come”, Sae mumbled, not wanting to upset his brother any further.
“Oh..”, Rin sighed, pulling his sheets further up his body.
His eyes were glossy with unshed tears as he tried to look away from the other person in the room, frowning slightly.
“It’s okay.. we’ll figure this out, you’ll be okay”, Sae whispered into the empty room, “Your nii-chan’s here now”
—
Itoshi Rin: I hated you for the longest time. I was sure that you had ruined my life. By you breaking our promise, the meaning of my existence was gone. But I know now that all I’ve ever really wanted from football was to be able to play with my nii-chan. I know you hate me and you find me lukewarm and an eyesore but I need you to know that I really do love you from the bottom of my heart, nii-chan. I don’t know what happened in Spain or why you hate me so much now but please know that no matter how cold I am to you, you’ll always be my nii-chan and I’ll always need you. Please don’t feel guilty for what I’m going to do, nii-chan. You were the perfect brother and you gave me the perfect childhood. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the striker or brother you needed. I love you nii-chan. Goodbye.
00:16