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“I think I thought it wouldn’t actually happen.”
The words sound stupid when he says them out loud. The scant second he can tolerate looking at Maddie’s face tells him she thinks so too. She’s kind enough not to say it out loud though. She’s always been kind but of course she knew it was going to happen. So did he, deep down, after all he helped pack up the stuff Eddie was taking with him, watched it get shipped down there, and saw the rest put in storage. He’s seen the house Eddie’s renting, he even helped him choose it for God's sake. Thinking that tomorrow wouldn’t arrive was just plain delusional.
“He’s really going Maddie, he’s really leaving.”
Me….
Leaving me….
That part stays silent but Maddie can probably hear it anyway. He risks a look at his sister. Yeah, she heard. She knows him better than he does himself sometimes and his sister is not even slightly surprised by how devastated he is.
“It sucks, I know.” Her hand is warm as it rubs his arm, the gesture ending in a sympathetic squeeze. He doesn’t want sympathy, he wants Eddie to stay.
The warmth she’s offering doesn’t spread far, he’s cold on the inside. He hasn't felt really warm since Eddie paid his deposit and the first month's rent on a house in El Paso.
He doesn’t know what to do to get warm again, he’s lost, because Eddie really truly leaving him isn't something he knows how to deal with. That’s why he’s here, in Maddie and Chim’s kitchen, seeking his sister's help as he has so many times before.
“Mads I don’t get it. Why do I feel so bad? Like everything is ending. I’ve been dumped more times than I can count, you’d think I’d be used to being left behind by now. When Tommy dumped me I felt terrible, you know I did, but I didn’t feel like this.”
With a sigh he faces the truth, “Shit, I’ve never felt like this. When Abby left, Taylor, Tommy breaking up with me, it didn’t feel like I was losing everything.”
His chest aches. It’s been aching for days, weeks maybe. “Why does it hurt so much? I don’t understand.”
He’s expecting an answer, some sibling wisdom but she’s silent, just looking at him like he’s speaking French.
He stares back, “What?”
She ignores his question and it takes a few moments for her to articulate her thoughts. He watches as her mouth moves soundlessly, struggling to understand why there’s a tiny, distressed frown on Maddie’s face. He has no idea what’s wrong with her. Eventually she finds her words and they’re unhelpful at best.
“Really?” She’s incredulous for some reason. “You honesty have no idea? Absolutely none?”
He shakes his head and his lovely even tempered sister bites her lip as if she’s trying not to say something mean. Maddie’s never mean but she’s clearly having trouble believing him and that’s kind of rude.
“No! I really don’t!”
He blurts it out, scowling at her. He came here for support and she’s being extremely unhelpful.
“Buck…”
She doesn’t add to that so he tries to explain how he’s feeling better so she can understand and actually help him feel better.
“I know he’s my best friend and yeah, I see him all the time so I’m gonna miss him, I get that, but why does it feel like my heart is breaking?”
“Buck,” She sounds so sad and this time when she reaches out and holds his hand in both of hers, a little of her warmth transfers to his skin again, “sweetheart, I think you do know.”
He denies it with a shake of his head, he doesn’t, he really doesn’t.
Her eyes are large and glistening, “You do, I think you’re just scared to let yourself see it. Understand it.”
Now as well as his aching chest his stomach is acting up, flipping nervously.
Maddie’s voice is soft and earnest; it matches her eyes.
“I get that it’s scary, but Buck honey, if you can’t say it now, then when? He’s leaving. Soon it’s going to be too late to say anything.”
She pauses, giving him time to speak. He doesn’t.
“Sweetie?”
His voice isn’t working, he can’t answer; maybe he doesn’t want to.
“Buck? You know, don't you? You know what this is?”
His words burst free, the raw emotion he’s locked away tired of hiding.
“But I don’t want it to be that.”
He watches her decide to push him further, her voice is gentle but firm, like when she’s telling Jee she needs to confess the truth about some mishap.
“You don’t want it to be what?”
His heart is beating too loudly, Maddie must be able to hear it, it’s finally betraying him, maybe that’s why he’s been so cold lately, when Eddie said El Paso he’d locked his heart away deep inside but now it’s breaking free.
“Buck? You don’t want it to be what?”
She already knows the answer and so does he. She wants him to say it and maybe he should. Maybe if he whispers it, sets it free it won’t hurt so much. He might as well try.
“Love.”
She squeezes his hand, eyes wet. She understands, she always does and with a sad smile she whispers, “Don’t think you get to choose.”
Yanking himself away from her sympathy, he stands, turns his back for a brief moment of solitude before everything he’s hidden, even from himself, bursts out in his sister's kitchen. Three heartbeats of pretend peace and he spins back around.
“So, yeah, I love him! So what!! What am I supposed to do about it? What’s the point?”
He knows he’s being too loud, that his hands are flying around too fast. He knows Maddie is watching him like her heart is breaking. He can’t stop any of it.
“He’s leaving!! He’s straight! Straight Maddie! Neither of those things are particularly helpful to the current situation! It’s hopeless, pointless, so I can’t be in love with him.”
He waits for her advice. It doesn’t come. The anger starts to slip away leaving something far worse behind.
“I can’t be.”
“But you are.”
She’s so calm, so matter of fact, as if it’s not the worst thing he could have discovered. At the worst possible time.
“But I don’t want to be.”
Her smile is pure sadness. It doesn’t help but maybe it makes him feel a little less alone. She understands and she cares and he’s so very grateful for her.
“I know, but like I said, you don’t get to choose.”
Well that’s as unfair as it’s true.
“Then what I should do, please Maddie, just tell me what to do.” He sounds desperate but that’s because he is.
His sister sighs. He recognises that expression, it makes him roll his eyes and turn away because he knows what she’s going to say.
“You know I can’t. You have to decide that for yourself.”
Maddie’s the last person to deserve his frustration and anger but she gets it anyway.
“Oh that I get to choose. Great! Fantastic. Lucky me!”
“Buck.”
She sounds like every big sister everywhere but he doesn’t want the calm sympathy dripping through his name, he wants an answer, a solution. He wants this mess of emotions inside him fixed, gone but even as he thinks that he knows that’s hardly fair, she can’t do that. It’s an impossible task, even for the big sister that’s always tried to protect him, and with that terrible realisation the fury vanishes, extinguished in an icy wave of reality.
Sitting back on his stool he accepts the inevitable but he can still hope that his sister can patch him up, make the hurt go away like she had when he was small. He can ask for that can’t he?
“Maddie, it hurts.”
He knows his eyes are begging her to ‘make it better’ and he knows that it’s a terrible burden to put on her, asking Maddie to heal the impossible. He closes his eyes to hide the shameful request and stop the tears that are threatening.
He's in the dark for barely a second when arms wrap around his shoulders and pull him close, he leans into the comfort and buries his face in her shoulder, his own arms slip around her waist as Maddie leans down and rests her cheek on the top of his head.
It’s not the first time she’s held him while his heart breaks. He wishes it could be the last, that all their future embraces will be born of joy but he knows better.
She presses a soft kiss into his hairline and despite everything he has to smile it’s such a Maddie thing to do, and once more his sister tries her best to make it better for him.
“Oh Evan, I don't know what I can tell you that will help.”
Sadly neither does he but Maddie at least tries.
“Life’s complicated isn’t it, no easy answers, especially with love. No guarantees, no promises that we’re going to get it right, all we can do is try, make a few choices along the way.”
He can feel the tension in her body alter, can guess at least some of what she’s thinking about.
“I’ve made lots of choices; bad ones, better ones, wonderful ones and terrible ones.”
He squeezes her tighter when a light shudder runs through her bones.
“A long time ago I made a choice and I lied to someone I love very much. I made him leave to keep him safe and then I was alone when I had to run to keep myself safe.”
He hates that she did that. That he didn’t know. That he couldn’t be there for her.
“After that mistake I made some better choices but eventually I made another choice; to keep my family safe by leaving them behind.”
He squeezes her even tighter and she squeezes back, but one of her hands moves and he knows it’s to wipe at her face before it returns to hug him again.
“Twice I chose what I thought was best, on my own. When I had someone who loved me I could have asked for help, someone to share the problem and the choice with.
She must be able to feel the sudden tension in every one of his muscles but it doesn’t stop her.
“Buck, he does love you. I don't know exactly in how many ways but I know that he does.”
He doesn’t trust himself to answer so Maddie keeps talking at him, soft and quiet and sensible.
“After I was gone, Chim made a choice too and when he found me and I came home we made another one, but that time we did it together.”
Her cheeks are wet and so are his when she leans back and takes his face between her hands.
“I run away and you cling to things that are small and safe, but for both of us, holding onto something big, something life changing; that’s hard.”
She wipes his face dry.
“Tomorrow you’ll get to choose whether to tell Eddie how you feel or not.You get a choice when Eddie doesn’t even know there’s one being made.”
She pauses and he knows that what she says next is going to hurt.
“You wanted me to tell you what to do. I won’t do that but I will tell you that I’ve learnt that when you choose for the person you love, it doesn’t usually end well for either of you.
Buck, Eddie doesn’t understand what he’s leaving behind. It might make a difference, it might not, but wouldn’t you rather know?”
Maddie waits expectantly but he honestly doesn’t know the answer so what can he say.
The noise from various announcements is grating on his nerves. Any second now it’ll be the one telling Eddie he needs to go.
Time is slipping through his fingers, in mere minutes Eddie will be gone. He spent all night thinking about what Maddie said but he hasn’t been able to do it. Not when he arrived to pick Eddie up, not on the drive to the airport, not while they had coffee, not now.
“I’m going to miss you.”
Eddie’s words are nice, insufficient to match his own feelings obviously but that’s not something he can share so he just replies with a sad smile and a bland “I’ll miss you too.”
Eddie keeps checking his watch. He’s anxious, upset even, Buck can hear it in his voice.
“I’m going to have to go…but we’ll still see each other. I’ll call, Facetime, this isn’t goodbye. You know that right? You’re my best friend, nothing changes that, I want you in my life… I …”
The words fade as Eddie looks at him, big brown eyes, long lashes, stupid little freckle under his eye, a face he won’t see again in person for months probably, and then maybe only 1-2 times a year from now on and that’s if he’s lucky.
The reality of it all hits hard, a bucket of ice water in his face. It steals his breath and his resolve to not say anything even in the face of Maddie’s advice.
He’s almost surprised to hear his own voice, even more surprised to hear the words.
“I know you think that, but it's not gonna happen, is it?”
The startled blink on his best friend's face isn’t enough to stop him, nor is the confused hurt growing in his eyes.
“People say that, they promise and they mean it, they really do. I know you mean it, but life’s just not like that, you’ll be busy down there, new job, new friends, a new life.”
God it hurts to even think about it.
“You’ll phone me but I’ll be out on a call, so you’ll think I’ll try again later but you’ll get distracted by homework or dinner and then it’s too late and you won’t want to bother me so you’ll call tomorrow instead but tomorrow is even busier, so…”
He shrugs but refuses to pause to let Eddie speak.
“Then I’ll call when you’re busy, you’ll listen to the message it’ll make you smile but it’s hard to find the time to call me back, I forget to try again till Chris is in bed so I don’t want to disturb you, days turn into weeks and we’ll keep trying to catch up but we won’t and we’ll send texts; all the time at first but then it’ll get less and less until even that is only now and then, before we know it it’ll be months between texts and longer since we’ve talked and forever since we’ve seen each other until …well until all that this was is nothing at all.”
It’s a truly unbearable thought, witnessing the slow painful death of what they were to each other. The idea hurts Eddie too, he can see that. It’s hard to look directly at what he's done with his brutal honesty. Eddie looks totally devastated.
Which makes him feel terrible, he hadn’t meant to do that he’d meant to keep hiding the pain and the fears. Eddie’s voice is hushed,
“That doesn’t have to happen, it’s not what I want.”
His guilt twists into a bitterness that’s clear in the laugh that makes Eddie wince.
“Not what I want either but it’s the way things are, we both know that, you’re leaving I’m staying, things change…. “
Things change; the thought echoes through the empty spaces that Eddie’s leaving has already put in him. He can’t deal with being left again, he has to take control. He has to be the one to leave.
“So I’m just going to go… good luck with everything. Give Chris a hug for me when you see him.”
With supreme effort he smiles and makes his voice sound as normal as he can manage.
“Take care of yourself Eddie.”
Throwing his arms around a frozen best friend for the last time he hugs him quick and fast and then spins around to make his escape, unfortunately a swift departure is halted by two commanding words.
“Buck, wait!”
As always, unable to deny Eddie anything he stops but why? What’s the point? He’s right, he knows he is and if they part with hope between them, he’s scared what it will do to him, he can’t say goodbye then wait and hope, drift aimlessly in the spaces he used to walk with Eddie by his side. It might just kill him.
He doesn’t want Eddie feeling guilty either, trying too hard, wasting time he needs with Chris trying to keep their friendship alive when there’s just too much distance between them.
He needs to set them both free and as he's already lost him, why not do it?
Why not tell him something that will send Eddie running; after all, what’s left to lose when you’ve lost everything.
Buck makes a choice in half a heartbeat so the only warning Eddie gets is two words
“Ok, so…”
And then Buck’s confession hits the air between them.
“… I’m in love with you. Probably since the beginning, but I’m slow so I’ve only just worked it out. You don’t need to say anything, I don’t need you to make me feel better. It’s ok.”
His smile is weak and wobbly but it’s real.
“Bye Eds, I’ll miss you.”
He manages to take two steps away so his back is to Eddie when he yells at him.
“Buck! Don’t you dare go! You can’t tell me that and think you can just leave!”
He was kind of hoping he could to be honest, but before he can think of a reply, the announcement they’ve been waiting for arrives loud and clear, telling Eddie it’s time to go. Buck has to admit he’s extremely grateful to the universe for its timing.
Twisting enough to looking back over his shoulder he gets to say something bland and unhelpful instead of anything true and painful.
“You have to go.”
Eddie ignores him.
“You can’t just say I love you and then bye have a great life!!”
He certainly can, he already did and he’ll do it again too.
“It’s ok, really, I don’t need you to say anything, I know you care about me, love me even, just not like that. I just needed to tell you so we get a clean break. I can’t stay here and wait and hope, hold onto the tiny bits of what we have left until it’s all gone. I can’t bear it. I have to say goodbye for good, let my heart break. Clean and fast. I’ll heal better that way, probably leave a scar but I’ve got plenty of those.
I’ll get over you, don’t worry.”
Eddie’s speechless. He takes advantage of it.
“So now you know and you don't need to keep in touch either.”
Eddie mouth is hanging open.
“It's better this way. For both of us.”
The look of conflict on Eddie’s face is hard to bear and not the last image of him he wanted but you make choices and you get what you get. What he’s getting is an Eddie who’s floundering, obviously unable to even fully process what he’s just heard.
Finally some words make it to Eddie’s lips.
“Buck I..I.. you can’t just spring this on me, I’m about to get on a plane. We need to talk about this.”
He smiles, so at least Eddie’s last image of him will be that.
“It’s ok. There’s nothing else we need to say. I’m really glad that I met you, that I got to love you and I’m even glad you know how I feel now.
Take care Eddie.”
Then Buck walks away, ignoring the last words of his best friend with tears running down his face.
“Buck!! You can’t just… Buck! I have to get on the plane. I have to go! Chris is expecting me! Please! Don’t do this!”
He keeps walking, he’s got long legs so it doesn’t take long to be out of earshot, but his resolve to not look back breaks at the last moment. He actually doesn’t expect Eddie to still be there but he is - just staring at him, he really should get going, he’ll miss the plane.
Buck holds his hand up to say goodbye, then kisses the tips of his fingers and blows the kiss across the crowded airport.
So in the end the last thing he really gets to say to Eddie is; I love you. Goodbye.
His phone had rung out three times before he got back to the jeep.
It had rung again when Eddie’s plane had touched down.
There were texts.
Calls.
More texts.
He never read one of them.
He never answered once.
He couldn’t make himself block the number though.
A quick break. Clean, fast and agonising.
The next time Maddie saw him she asked. He told her the truth; yes he had. He’d told him and Eddie had left. It was the truth even if he could tell she misunderstood what happened when she hugged him and said she was sorry.
He avoided everyone else as much as possible, avoiding the sympathy or censure he tried not to listen so he didn’t know who took which view point on his mood, eventually they gave up and things seemed slightly more normal, apart from the vast Eddie shaped hole in his life.
Each day when he wakes and remembers he keeps hoping that the pain will lessen, that today will be the day the hurt fades but it’s been weeks now and his chest aches just as much as it had at the start and he thinks of Eddie far too many times a day.
The pain will go, one day… he knows that, he just has to wait it out. He read once that it takes half as long as you’re with someone to get over them so maybe just another three years and he’ll be ok. Maybe he’ll get some time knocked off because they were never actually together.
Three years to get over the love he never had.
That’s doable, right?
He’ll be fine eventually, it’ll just take time.
Lots of time, after all a man like Eddie’s is hard to move on from.
The shock is intense, frozen to the spot in his own kitchen, Buck can’t move, hasn’t been able to move since the door to his loft opened.
The man standing in his apartment should not be there but he is.
They stare at each other from opposite sides of the room. He still had a key. How had he forgotten that he still had a key?
In all of Buck’s crazy fantasies of what might be he’d never imagined this. The only warning he had that his life was about to be disrupted was a loud and angry banging on his door, even that had only lasted a few seconds before the door opened and a man walked in.
They stare at each other and the first thing Eddie says after the weeks of silence Buck imposed on them is;
“You are a fucking asshole, you know that right?!”
There doesn’t seem to be an option to agree or disagree because Eddie keeps going, he’s on a roll. The only option available to Buck is to hold onto his kitchen table to keep himself upright as the shock and joy of seeing Eddie sinks in while his angry words fill the vast emptiness of his loft.
“You… you blow up my world, you walk away from me and you don’t return my fucking calls! Dick move Buckley!”
Eddie’s finger is pointed savagely in his direction, he’s really mad. Buck doesn’t blame him.
“Dick move!”
And that seems to be all he wants to say. Eddie stops talking and glowers at him, arms folded.
Maybe it’s a dream? Blinking to clear his vision, and pinching his arm nothing changes. Eddie’s still standing there but It’s hard to believe what he’s seeing is real.
The name he’s avoided saying out loud but is constantly on his mind slips out. It’s barely audible and if it wasn’t for the deafening silence between them it wouldn’t be heard.
“Eddie?”
Buck’s torn, he wants to move, rush forward and welcome him with a tight embrace but that is very obviously not an option now or possibly ever again but if Eddie is so angry with him then why has he bothered to come back at all? Just to yell? To tell him how much he hates him? That he never wants to see him again?
Buck may be confused but that seems a bit counterproductive if he’s honest. There has to be more to it than that.
Jaw set, arms folded, Eddie’s glare is relentless but at least he responds to his name.
“None of the others would get involved with this mess so here I am!”
“I I can see that...”
He manages a hesitant response and without any explanation for Eddie’s presence Buck reluctantly and tentatively asks an awkward question, “but why? Why are you here?”
It’s an awful thing to have to say. It sounds like he doesn’t want Eddie to be here and that’s the opposite of the truth. He’s thrilled, shocked but thrilled to see him even if it’s probably going to be extremely bad for him, it’ll be like falling off the wagon, he’s going to have to start missing Eddie all over again.
It doesn’t look like Eddie’s appreciated the question, his lip curls into a disbelieving sneer then he scrubs the expression away and Buck notices how tired he looks, how sad his eyes are. His voice is sad and tired too.
“Really? You’re asking me why I’m here? You want to know why I had to come back to bang on your door and let myself in, just so I can get you to talk to me?”
Shifting uncomfortably under Eddie’s horribly hurt expression, Buck reevaluates his choices, he honestly hadn’t expected Eddie to want to talk to him that badly. If he’d known… but he’d assumed that once he knew all about the ‘being in love with you’ problem he’d be glad to be free of their friendship. The calls had stopped after all. So he’d thought Eddie was doing ok with everything.
Apparently not. Eddie looks a long way from being ok about anything.
He’s pissed.
“Do you know what it was like! Shouting out your name, sitting on that plane, thinking about what you just told me. Thinking about nothing else for hours, watching every call I made get declined, every message stay unread. Only just starting to understand what I was leaving behind.”
All he can do is shake his head although that’s enough because Eddie doesn’t need an answer, he has lots more to say.
“So, I gotta ask, when you decided to break your own heart because it was easier for you, did you think for one second about how I’d feel, knowing that apparently you were in love with me!”
Eddie’s fingers are spread over his heart as if it hurts. It’s the same spot that permanently aches in Buck’s chest.
“That what we could have had together was so much more than I thought possible.”
This time he doesn’t even bother shaking his head, his contribution is very obviously unnecessary . Eddie answers his own question in a heartbeat.
“No you didn’t, because you” another angry finger emphasises the point, “chose to walk away before I could say anything.”
Watching him rant, it’s kind of hard to decide if Eddie’s more angry or upset. He considers it as Eddie keeps talking at him.
“You didn’t give me a chance to think. You didn't give me a single God damn minute to process any of it.”
There’s an odd crack in Eddie’s voice and Buck knows that it’s more upset than angry despite the volume and hand gestures.
“Well guess what, I’ve thought about almost nothing else since then!
This time a contribution seems possible even if it’s an inadequate response to the situation.
“Sorry.”
He can only hope Eddie knows how much he means it.
Unfortunately he can’t tell if he does, he just looks so hurt, it’s pouring off him and Buck’s already broken heart bleeds a little harder.
It all gets a worse when Eddie’s face crumples, a brief glimpse of how much he’s suffering. Buck’s seen the same expression in his bathroom mirror.
“You should be! I needed to talk about all the things I was feeling and the one person I could always count on to have my back was ignoring my calls!”
Eddie’s mouth has a fine tremor running through it and it’s with growing horror that Buck notices his eyes are damp, then the voice he hasn’t heard in weeks breaks completely.
“I needed you, I needed my friend. I just wanted to talk.”
It's oddly fascinating to discover that a shattered heart can still find new ways to break. There isn’t really anything to say, sorry won’t help now anymore than it did when he’d said it a few moments ago.
Fortunately the silence allows a new idea to form.
“Would it make you feel better if I let you punch me?”
It’s not as helpful as he’d hoped, Eddie looks disgusted.
“No it wouldn’t!”
His harsh snap turns into a sigh as Eddie rolls his eyes, it’s such a wonderfully familiar gesture, as is the quietly muttered “Idiot” that follows it.
Maybe it’s wishful thinking but did that sound just the tiniest bit more exasperated and fond than upset? Maybe; it was one of his favourite tones of voice, he’s missed hearing it. He’s missed Eddie and despite his expectations it sounds like Eddie’s missed him right back.
Sounding horribly defeated Eddie looks at him with his big, sad brown eyes and says;
“I didn’t come home to punch you Buck, or to yell at you, I just want you to talk to me.”
It’s almost too difficult to look at him, but he makes himself do it. It’s tough, Buck’s always hated seeing Eddie in pain and right now he sounds hurt in the worst possible way. He’s heartbroken and Buck did it to him, that wasn’t the plan, only one heart was supposed to break when he walked away.
With the anger drained away Eddie sounds so tired.
“Don’t you want to talk to me?”
Eddie’s words cut like a knife, making his own reply instinctively truthful. He can’t bear to think that Eddie might believe he doesn’t want him in his life.
“Of course I do! It’s all I want to do every minute of every day since you left! But I can’t because I have to let you go.”
Eddie takes a small step closer and Buck aches to end the distance between them. There’s been far too much space between them for far too long, Eddie moves another inch closer with a tired shrug of his shoulder. He delivers a verbal punch that’s worse than any physical blow he could ever throw at him.
“Did you stop to think that maybe I didn’t want you to let me go?”
Those stupidly beautiful big brown eyes, will be the end of him. They’re so full of hurt. Eddie waits for an answer but he needs a minute because no, he hadn’t considered that. Eddie said he was leaving LA so he must have wanted to go, leave everything behind, start a new life.
It was basic maths, but now, standing in the kitchen with Eddie’s tortured eyes fixed on his, Buck remembers that he’s not actually very good at maths.
With another shuffling step towards him Eddie’s voice drifts closer.
“You said you loved me.”
He had; no point denying it, so with a nod Buck claims the truth calmly.
“I did.”
The muscles of Eddie's jaw flex and his nostrils flare, he’s working hard to keep his feelings off his face; there's no clue as to what he’s thinking as he keeps talking.
“ and then you walked away from me. You just left me there, calling your name, calling your phone.”
It’s far easier to look at the floor than the face he’s missed so much because it sounds bad when you say it like that, eyes downcast Buck accepts that truth too.
“I know… like you said,” glancing back up he meets Eddie’s cold gaze, “dick move.”
This time it’s Eddie who nods and agrees with him softly,“Dick move.”
They watch each other silently until with folded arms and a blank face Eddie asks a question Buck would much rather he didn’t.
“So, how’d it go? Getting over me, I mean.”
The look on Eddie’s face is hard to interpret; it’s almost a challenge, almost defiant, but it’s hurt too, tense and hiding something from him. Eddie’s jaw is clenched, his chin lifted high, Buck thinks it’s how you might look when you're preparing yourself for bad news.
Face like stone Eddie’s voice isn't quite as empty, there’s hints of feeling lurking in the words; anger, scorn and hurt leak out.
“You got that clean break, like you ‘needed’ , you should be fine now, right? Did it work out the way you wanted it to? Are you “over me”?”
Various options dart through Buck’s mind. He could lie. He could say yes, I’m over you, or he could say that it was all a misunderstanding, he could pretend his emotions got muddled when Eddie left and he’s realised now it wasn’t love love…that would explain the radio silence too, he’d just been too embarrassed to talk to his friend.
Either might work, he might be able to win Eddie’s friendship back if he lies but he doesn’t want to lie. The idea actually makes him feel a little sick. He doesn’t want to hide how he feels anymore.
Under the spotlight of Eddie’s dark eyes Buck knows that there’s nowhere left to hide, and he accepts that that’s what he’s been doing these last few weeks and if he’s really honest, for years; he’s been hiding from Eddie, from his own feelings, from what he wants.
Now Eddie’s right there, waiting, face blank, eyes burning holes in him so Buck gives him his answer and hopes they can both live with the consequences.
“No.” He shakes his head. “Not even a little bit.”
With no other noise to mask it the sharp intake of breath Eddie takes is loud. Strangely his next question sounds much more muted.
“So you are still in love with me?”
What’s left now but more truth? Buck shrugs, he’s already lost everything so why not.
“Afraid so.”
And actually there’s a strange kind of freedom that comes with honesty, he manages half a smile, it’s most likely a sad pathetic looking thing but saying goodbye is a sad occasion so that’s ok.
His hand twitches, unconsciously reaching for something he can’t have but even if he can’t have Eddie maybe he can be given a little forgiveness instead before he leaves again.
“Look Eds , I know that’s not what you wanted me to say… I know you don’t want me to love you like that and I know you didn’t want to have to come back just to have this conversation. I’m sorry, I should have answered your calls, I should have text you.”
Forgiveness remains a distant hope because for now silence is all he’s getting, he ploughs on, and whether he’s digging himself further into or out of trouble he couldn’t say, not based on the rigid expression on Eddie’s face.
The logical thing to do then is keep going, if he keeps digging, he’ll eventually find out which direction he’s traveled in.
“I know you shouldn't have had to come back just to get me to say sorry. I’ll I’ll pay for your flight, you you flew right?”
No answer. Another shovel of dirt flies past his head.
“But if you didn’t, I’ll pay for your gas… and your hotel room for tonight… I just want..”
Eddie interrupts him.
“Lot of “I’s” there Buck.”
The frantic digging stops abruptly, that’s not the first time someone’s said that to him.
Eddie’s tone is dry at best, it possibly takes the time to wander off into the realms of sarcastic.
“Do you think I might get to say something this time, before you decide how I feel and what we do next and that the conversation is over?”
That’s fair, even if it makes him squirm uncomfortably under the weight of Eddie’s steely gaze. It’s pretty much exactly what happened. A subdued nod gives Eddie the time and space to speak that he hadn’t given him before.
With a raised eyebrow Eddie accepts the opportunity to finally share his thoughts on love and what it means for the future. Buck expects certain things to be said but he knows Eddie will at least be kind about it.
“So…”
Eddie pauses to look him in the eye then continues smoothly
“.. first of all, yes- you can pay for my gas… secondly.. I don’t have a hotel room, I’m going to be staying here tonight and thirdly, maybe you could stop assuming you know everything and ask instead.”
“Ask?”
Buck could probably be more articulate than just the single word, but his brain is stuck on Eddie saying he was staying here for the night.
A glimmer of a smile on Eddie’s face sends his heart racing.
“Yeah dumbass, try asking, don’t know, don’t decide, don’t make assumptions. Trust me it’s a mistake.”
Frowning now Buck mulls over the request.
“You want me to ask you…”
Eddie nods encouragingly but then when Buck continues with a long drawn out
“….about…?”
and those golden brown eyes vanish from sight. A pained look on Eddie’s face closing his eyes.
The long suffering expression goes alongside some long suffering words.
“Really! Considering how smart I know you actually are, you’re really quite dumb sometimes.”
Unoffended but puzzled, Buck applies the context he has to the situation and hesitantly tries to work out exactly what Eddie wants from him. He takes a guess.
“Ok… soooo….. how are you feeling about visiting LA again?”
Quite calmly Eddie provides a response but not an actual answer to the question.
“I’m not visiting LA.”
Buck’s next question is a hell of a lot easier to think of and falls instantly from his lips.
“You’re not?”
A slow shake of his head gives Buck the impression that Eddie is low key enjoying the torturous reveal of information. That’s ok he can be patient while Eddie slowly tells him what the hell is going on.
“No, I'm not visiting. I’m back.”
Now that’s unexpected, his jaw drops, and the corner of Eddie’s mouth twitches, trying to hold back a smile and only half succeeding. The signals coming from his unexpected guest are getting very mixed now. Honestly he’s been nothing but confused since his best friend burst back into his life.
The explanation that comes next doesn’t particularly help him understand what’s happening any better.
“I start at the 136 next week and I’m picking up the keys for the place I’m renting tomorrow.”
Earlier Buck reminds himself, he’d decided this wasn’t a dream but now he’s not so sure.
Then Eddie says; “Chris is here too.” and he beams, it’s the first real smile Buck’s seen since he walked in and Eddie keeps smiling.
“We talked, worked a few things out, it turned out he was missing LA, his school, his friends, you, even me a bit; enough that he took pity on me when I explained that I wanted us to come back home because I’d left something important behind. We talked a lot and we agreed that moving back to LA was best for everyone.”
“You’re back?”
It’s possible he’s lagging behind on the processing again.
“Yes Buck, I’m back.”
It's the fond tone he’s missed so much, Buck’s heart flutters wildly.
“And Chris?” It’s important he gets the facts correct.
Eddie nods and somehow he’s standing just opposite him now, when did he move so close?
Mind spinning, confused about what all this means Buck finds another question on his lips and this time he’s almost scared to learn the answer.
“For good?”
Before there are any words to explain, Eddie’s fingers reach out and Buck has the remarkable experience of discovering what it feels like to have their fingers twined together. The shock almost makes him miss the quiet reply to his question.
“Yes, for good.”
It’s only then with Eddie’s fingers holding onto his that Buck knows what question he should have asked weeks ago instead of running away. Fortunately Eddie’s giving him a chance to fix that mistake.
A little breathless and with hope in his veins he takes the first step towards a new life.
“So…Eddie….” He swallows nervously “You know how I feel about you.”
That gets him a nod and a slow “I do…” that runs a shiver down his spine. He cautiously tries to find the words he needs to try and fix the mess they’re in.
“But I’ve realised I don’t know how you feel.”
Right now with the benefit of hindsight and Eddie’s hand resting in his, that feels like a huge error of judgment.
Eddie’s eyes say something sarcastic like “you think?” but his voice sounds a little more sympathetic.
“No, you didn’t, but I didn’t really know what I was feeling right then. I probably couldn’t have told you anything coherent but I could have told you I didn’t want you to walk away from me. I didn’t want to lose you.”
Eddie’s sigh is shaky, his fingers twitch where they’re still holding onto his.
“Buck, I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said and how much it hurt to watch you go. I knew that I didn’t want to leave you behind, that my heart broke when you ignored me calling you.”
Eddie looks him dead in the eye.
“I wanted to talk to you so badly, it hurt every moment of every day I was away from you.”
Heart beating faster by the second Buck can’t stop the hope blossoming inside him as Eddie keeps talking.
“God I’ve missed you. I missed you even before I’d left, more and more with every stupid box I had to pack. I missed you while I was on the plane and the second my feet hit Texas all I wanted to do was come home, back to you but I stayed away because I had to, because I needed to fix things with Chris but while I was away from you it meant I couldn’t ignore how I felt anymore.”
Eddie stops and Buck knows it’s time for him to finally ask the question he didn’t dare ask the last time they were together.
“How do you feel about me?”
Eddie’s response is instant.
“Annoyed a lot of the time.”
Well he knows that, except the look in Eddie’s eyes doesn’t match his words so Buck isn’t particularly bothered by the unflattering adjective. He can wait. Eddie will say what he needs to say in his own time.
“Frustrated.”
He nods with a little shrug that says, that’s fair too.
“Like I have to be near you to be happy.”
A surge of joy springs up inside him, quickly dampened again by Eddie’s next words.
“But I couldn’t tell you that. I worked it all out and you wouldn’t talk to me when I needed to tell you how much you meant to me.”
Oh that hurts, by trying to save them both pain he’s caused even more of it, another apology slips from his lips.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
Eddie’s tired sigh echoes around them “That’s because you decided what was best for us all by yourself.”
Maddie’s going to be so smug when she finds out about this. Alongside that thought Buck’s guilt surges forward but it doesn’t have time to get out of control because Eddie makes another weary confession.
“But I get it, I’ve done that too, it’s much easier, much safer, keeps you in control.”
Buck can feel his cheeks flush, even when they’re not talking to each other Eddie understands him better than anyone else and he came back, just to talk to him, so they should talk.
“Eddie?”
Calling his name makes him the focus of Eddie’s attention.
“You’re right, I was scared so I ran away, from how I That was stupid. I thought it would be easier, but I’ve been miserable every minute of every day and every night since you left.”
Taking a deep breath helps steady him, the warmth and love in a pair of brown eyes makes him brave.
“When you’re not with me my life just isn’t the same, there just isn’t any other way for me now, but being in love with you.”
Eddie’s face is so close, his eyes bright and damp. Buck dares to reach out, rest a thumb at the curve of his neck. He can feel Eddie’s pulse racing under his skin and his fingers tighten around his own and he knows that it’s going to be ok.
“Do you think you might maybe love me back?”
He feels giddy, excitement and anticipation bubbling inside him, like a teenager, in love for the first time.
“Like want to kiss me, make a life together, get married kind of love me?”
Breathlessly he waits, his declaration might have been a little more than he actually planned to say but he doesn't care and neither it seems does Eddie. His smile, already beautiful is now luminous, lighting up his face, making what was already handsome, breathtaking.
“You know, now I think about it, I guess I do kinda love you exactly like that.”
Heart soaring Buck has one more question.
“So that’s why you came back. For me?”
Once again Eddie’s eyes roll and he corrects him gently with that smile he likes so much.
“No, I came back for us. If you want an us?”
His surprised bark of laughter widens the smile already on Eddie’s pretty mouth, the mouth he'll be kissing any minute now but first…
“Do I want… are you serious? Eddie, you know I do.”
With a sly twinkle in his eye the man he loves makes his last point and closes the door on this unfortunate misunderstanding.
“Yeah I know you do but I’m demonstrating how you check things with people so you don’t screw up again!”
Eddie tugs him forward and Buck ends up bumping into his chest with Eddie’s free hand pressed into the small of his spine and his eyes on Buck’s mouth.
They’re really going to kiss, any minute now and Buck is happier than he’s been in longer than he cares to think about.
Still you can’t let people get too cocky can you? Even if you’re in love with them, he leans back a little.
“Oh you’re hilarious!”
Buck hopes he’ll never get used to the warm sparkle in Eddie’s eyes when they tease each other.
“That’s very true, you must have missed my amazing sense of humor.”
His reply to that is raw and honest.
“I missed all of you.”
A shadow of the hurt they’ve both been feeling dances through dark eyes.
“Me too.”
Then it’s gone again, disappears with a blink and another smile.
“But we don’t have to miss each other anymore so do you think you can kiss me and then I can tell you about how I gave my parents hell, got our son back and got the hell out of Texas.”
Leaning in slowly ready to taste Eddie’s smile for the first time Buck thinks that sounds like an excellent idea. He’d very much like to hear about Eddie telling his parents off and the rest as soon as possible but right now he’d like to kiss Eddie much more and finally, finally he can.
He can, so he does.
Then he does it again, and because this is going to be a partnership Eddie takes his turn with leading the kissing proving he’s an excellent kisser. Buck always knew he would be but it’s nice to have the proof and it’s even better to have more proof.
Collecting a suitable data sample is very important so it might take a while for them to get back to talking and for Buck to hear all about Eddie’s Texan trip, but that’s ok, they have all the time they need now, neither of them is going to leave again, why would they when the only way they can be happy is together.
This is what a happy ending feels like. He really didn’t think he’d get to have one, but here it is, in Eddie’s arms, and now he’s found it how could he ever be happy any other way.