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Tony’s never been one to believe in the afterlife, and he’s faced death countless times. He’d seen his life flash before his eyes, even seemed to see a light, but he always pulled through, until now.
He’d put on Thanos’ gauntlet and snapped, knowing he’d never see Pepper or Morgan again, that he was sacrificing himself to hopefully bring the blipped half of the universal population back.
So Tony had expected… nothing, really. Lights out, forever.
Sunshine warms his face. Wind whispers by, and Tony knows without opening his eyes that he’s no longer on the battlefield. He wonders if everyone is cheering. Pepper’s certainly not, and he tries not to think about her huddled over his lifeless body.
Except his body appears to be… here. Wherever here is. An afterlife wouldn’t be the strangest thing after Thor and aliens and Thanos.
Tony opens his eyes to a sunny blue sky, and there’s something odd about the sun. Sure, Tony’s been into space and fought aliens, but seeing a human baby’s face inside the sun is wild. Surely he’s hallucinating it- after all, staring directly at the sun is stupid.
He glances away, instinctively reaches for sunglasses and notes that he’s no longer in his armor. He doesn’t have his sunglasses either.
When he squints back up, he realizes he’s not hallucinating. The baby sun giggles down on him, the same one that was on that Teletubbies show that Morgan used to love when she was a baby. She’d babble and point to their television stomachs, her baby head nestled against the scar tissue where Tony’s arc reactor used to be.
He remembers raising his coffee mug in a lazy salute, knowing how it felt to have technology embedded in his torso. Being a father had certainly changed him- he’d started empathizing with Teletubbies- though his sleepless nights hadn’t changed.
Tony’s chest aches. It feels like just yesterday Morgan was a little rugrat, and now she’s a strong, confident, smart little girl. And she’ll never see him again, save for that hologram message he left.
Tony blinks back tears, and it’s not from looking directly at the weird baby sun.
Of all the places to wake up after death, why would he wake up in a toddler show? Is this some strange, post-victory prank from Stephen Strange? He sent Tony to some other dimension to screw with him?
But no, Tony had snapped the gauntlet. He knows this isn’t a prank, except the universe raising a metaphorical middle finger at him.
Tony touches his chest, then slowly sits up, eyes scanning the rolling hills. A giant brown rabbit approaches him curiously.
Morgan would have loved to come here, Tony thinks, his chest still feeling like a gaping wound.
The sunshine and green hills probably fit some people’s idea of heaven, or whatever.
Tony was always more of a city person, although he had loved the cliffside views from his Malibu home and, of course, his cabin home with Pep and Morgan.
Just like the start of every show, the Teletubbies pop out of their dome home, counting to four. Tony would have been bored of this show even as a baby. He certainly isn’t going to participate now.
He walks across the hills with the baby sun still staring at him. There’s no escaping it, really. Tony shoves his hands in his pockets and keeps walking.
“One day, in Teletubbyland, someone appeared from far away.”
The voice surrounds Tony like Jarvis used to.
The Teletubbies chase after Tony. They’re thankfully not eight feet tall like some of the costumes had apparently been, although that wouldn’t have been the most unsettling thing Tony’s seen.
Tony’s not actually going to run from them. That’d be ridiculous and humiliating, even if nobody is around to see him besides the sun and the Teletubbies themselves.
“Big hug!” the Teletubbies crowd around him, clinging to his legs the way Morgan does. Did. Shit.
Tony’s careful not to say that aloud. He’s seen enough Teletubbies to know they babble back whatever they hear, and if they repeat that word, it’ll be too much like Morgan and…
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Morgan hasn’t even been into this show in years. If he was going to end up stuck in a kids’ show, at least something like Paw Patrol would have been more fitting.
“Hey, I think I’m a little too tall for this ride.” Tony holds a hand just above Tinky Winky’s triangle antenna. “You must be this short to enter, and I’m above that, so I’ll just be going.”
Tony’s used to walking with Morgan clinging to his leg, but that doesn’t exactly translate to four Teletubbies hanging off of him.
“Hey, let’s not play the octopus game.” Tony tries to extract himself, but they clamp around him again. Sheesh, they hug all the time in the show, but this is another level.
“Big hug!” They all cheer again.
Tony sighs. “Look, I know big hugs fix all your problems, but I’ve got some pretty big problems now. Like being dead. That’s a pretty big one. And of course you have no idea what death is in your weird… utopia? Disguised dystopia? Are you guys orphans? Seriously, where are your parents? They just let four babies wander around alone all the time?”
Wow, the things he never thought about before being a parent.
“No, wait, it’s the voice periscopes, right? That’d be like me being raised by Jarvis instead of the human Jarvis looking after me, and I probably would have ended up even less well-adjusted than I am. Have I cracked and I’m in some weird padded cell surrounded by happy bunny pictures?”
The Teletubbies tug him towards their dome. “Tubby Custard! Tubby Custard!”
“It was time for Tubby Custard.” the voice announces.
“I’m more of a scotch guy, thanks.” Tony reluctantly lets himself be dragged into the dome. “Or, uh, coffee, if we’re trying to be more kid friendly. But seriously, what’s the point of a PG afterlife? Where’s the party? Thor always talks about battles and feasts for eternity, and you’re sticking me with some pink slop?”
The Teletubbies cheer as Dipsy works the Tubby Custard machine, which squirts pink liquid into round bowls with straws.
Tony’s drunk a lot of green smoothies, especially during his Palladium Poisoning, but the Tubby Custard still looks distinctly unappetizing.
He watches the Noo-Noo scoot around, slurping stuff up with its vacuum nose. It makes him miss Dum-E, Butterfingers and U.
But most of all, he misses Morgan and Pepper.
There’s not even anything to take Tony’s mind off everything he lost. And he knew what he was doing, but now he’s stuck here with his thoughts. At least nothing would have been peaceful. And as peaceful as the fields are, Tony’s mind is far from at ease.
There’s hardly anything to tinker with here to help ease his mind even a smidgen, unless he strips the Noo-Noo for parts. Is he just supposed to wallow away here for eternity? He’s not easily amused by running around like the literal toddler residents are. He wasn’t amused by that even as a toddler.
Outside the window, a windmill starts to spin. The Teletubbies cry “Uh-Oh!” and race outside, hugging and collapsing on a hill. Their antennas and TVs light up.
Tony races out. “Let me see Morgan,” he says, to nobody in particular. This is the part where the Teletubbies’ television stomachs broadcast kids from the real world, who wave at the Teletubbies like they can see them. Of course, it was all scripted for the show, but it seems he’s here for real.
It’s not Morgan who pops up on Laa-Laa’s stomach screen, but some little boy with a cockney accent. Tony wonders if that kid was one of the ones who was blipped or not. He’s almost as enraptured as the Teletubbies as they watch the boy climb a jungle gym. At least it’s some sign of outside life beyond these hills.
Tony hasn’t even been here a day, and he’s already bored out of his mind. As the Teletubbies run around after, he starts scouring the control panel in the dome for parts, wondering if there’s any way to boost a signal to Morgan here. The Teletubbies was a British show, so of course it showed British children, but maybe here the signal only reaches the UK. Tony just has to divert it to his home to contact Morgan.
Surely that would be defying death, and Tony always viewed claims of talking to the dead as unscientific crap. But Tony’s never been one to let the odds stand against him. He traveled through time, for crying out loud, which he thought was impossible not long ago. He built a suit in a cave with scraps. And here he is, trapped in TeletubbyLand. Preconceived notions of what’s possible don’t really fit the equation.
He can definitely utilize the Teletubbies’ antenna and any spare parts to contact Pep and Morgan. And not in a creepy human (alien?) experimentation way, he’s not going to hurt them in the process. But he’ll definitely need to run some tests.
Tony scours the dome for parts, takes apart the seemingly-useless control panel that simply makes sounds and flashes like a baby toy. He’ll have to wait until tomorrow to observe their connection to the real world again.
The day stretches on, endless and boring, but Tony has hope by the time the voice trumpets announce that it's time for Tubby Bye-Bye and creepy baby sun sets in the sky.
"It's not time for Tony Bye-Bye yet," Tony mutters. If he can (hopefully) bring everyone who was blipped back, surely he can bring himself back home too.