Chapter Text
Tyler Joseph often gets lost in his songs, he gets caught up in the emotion, the feel of the meanings hes trying to portray. He puts his entire heart and soul into each word.He feels what hes saying and he feels what he felt when he wrote these words. Addict with a pen had always been an emotional song with a meaning that Tyler always got lost in. He sings the words with power and passion and as he raps the verse he sits down on a small ledge.The moment before he does the motion he hesitates, he knows that for a lot of the people in the crowd this is a heavy symbol with too much meaning. He goes for it anyway because hes always been weird and he kind of already started so it would be weirder to stop now. he uses his microphone to act out him digging into his wrist with a knife and as he does it he regrets doing it, his heart stutters and although he keeps singing all the right words at the right times he feels his lungs tighten. Josh know the second he sees Tyler pretend to dig a knife into his arm, sees him act out dragging it across his skin that Tyler triggered himself. Tyler looks into Josh eyes briefly, continuing on with the song. Josh knows Tylers going to have a bad next couple of days. He always does when stuff like this happens. He knows Tylers mind will bring him back to his teen years when he was struggling with self harm and suicidal thoughts. Josh just hopes Tyler wont try and reopen the long, faded scars that are lined up along Tylers stomach or the short deep ones that are still red and silvery, layered upon Tylers very upper thighs like last time this happened.
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"Tyler, just talk to me." Josh pleads for the 100th time.
"Josh, Im fine!" Tyler replies for the 100th time.
"Tyler, I saw you tonight, I saw what you did and I know you arent alright." Josh says laying a hand on Tylers sweaty shoulder. They need showers still, but josh is too nervous about what his friend could do behind a closed bathroom door.
"Josh, Im over that kind of stuff now, but thank you for worrying, it means a lot to know you care." Tyler says sweetly, he is not over it but he wants this conversation to end as soon as possible, he has sweat dripping down his back and its gross and he feels gross.
"Tyler, please promise if you have those kinds of feelings again, youll at least attempt to talk to me. Please, Tyler, I need you just as much as you need me, man." Josh says. Tyler cant help but notice how often Josh uses his name when hes concerned about Tyler.
"Yeah, of course, Ill talk to you if I get bad again." Tyler promises but for a man with a lot of passion behind his words his eyes are awfully dead looking and his word are pretty dull. Josh doesnt believe him, but he wants too so he lets Tyler enter the hotel bathroom.
Tyler knows that Josh knows hes lying, that hes not okay, that its going to take all of Tylers power to not relapse. Tyler turns on the shower, and gets undressed, a little relieved by the cool breeze of air that flows gently from the air vents. He steps under the warm stream and can feel the grime of today wash away. He washes his hair first, then he lathers up and starts washing his body. He feels his stomach clench up and his heart flip when his fingers graze over the faint spaced out scars that run horizontally across his stomach, he knows he shouldn't but he still lowers his hand to his upper thigh and runs his numb fingertips over the thick raised skin, his mind flashes back to high-school, his brain provides an unfortunately detailed and vivid memory of all the times he would take the razors he had stashed under his bed and drag them slowly across his stomach and the times he would press them as deep as he could into his thigh and yank with all his strength, just to see the blood pool under his leg, he liked to remeber he was alive and this is real and he is real and Tyler tries to remember where he is right now, he needs to live in the present and in the present he is okay. Tyler runs the words through his foggy brain over and over. Im okay. Im okay. Im okay. Im okay. Tylers throat hitches, he muffles a small sob. Hes not okay. He wants to die. He sits on the floor of the shower with his head between his knees. He tries his best to catch his breath. But the water feels suffocating. God, he knew what he was getting himself into. His ears ring uncomfortably.
"Tyler, are you okay in there?" Josh yells through the thick wood door separating them.
"Yeah, Ill be out in a minute, Josh." Tyler yells back. He rinses off and gets out. He dries off and wraps a towel tight around his waist line, higher then his hips. He suddenly feels extremely self conscious of his stomach. He doesnt even want Josh to see it, or the scars even though you have to be really looking to see them now.He takes a deep breath of the steamy air and opens the door, he tries his best to make a beeline to his suit case, but Josh steps in front of him.
"Tyler..." Josh hesitantly gestures towards the towel, "did you..."
Tyler tightens the fist he's making to hold his towel up, pulling it impossibly closer.
"No, I didn't." Tyler says with a tense jaw.
"Can...you..." Josh trails off and drags his hands through his hair roughly tugging at the ends.
"Do you want me to prove it?" Tyler asks quietly the tension spreads to his shoulders and back.
"No, I trust you, im sorry for insinuating I dont." Josh says quietly, he turns away from Tyler and walks over to the bed, he grabs his phone and goes into the bathroom. Tyler walks to his suitcase and gets dressed quickly, he doesnt let himself even think of grabbing the ziploc baggie with all his toiletries shoved inside. He stands up and walks over to the bed and falls heavily on top. He exhales deeply, and tries to relax into the firm mattress. He hears Joshs music start up then the water. He wants to rip apart a razor then rip apart himself. He wants it sooo bad.
"Fuck." Tyler quietly whispers to himself. "Fuuuuuuuck."
Tyler gets off the bed and starts pacing the floor around the bed. He clasps and unclasps his hand over and over wringing them tightly. He wants it so bad. He rolls up the sleeve of his shirt and slowly ghosts his fingernails up and down his arm, trying to calm himself down. He can feel the numbness he always gets before spread through his body.
Tyler is about to either panic or relapse, he doesn't want either. Tyler walks towards the wall and runs his fingertips over the rough plaster, zigzagging random patterns until hes out of his mind and his fingertips are softly buzzing, it feels like when he's played ukulele for too long and his fingers go comfortably numb. He is suddenly struck with the feeling that there is no way this is real. He must be dreaming, his mind tells him there aren't any consequences in dreams. He feels light but heavy at the same time. like hes floating but cemented down. He jerks his head to the side, attempting to come out of this mud his brains made. Hes starting to worry himself.
Tyler walks over to the bathroom door, he hesitates, he doesnt want to bother Josh, but fuck he's so close to relapsing.
"Josh?" Tyler says banging on the door.
"Tyler?" Josh asks loudly.
"I need...I dont know...I need you, man." Tyler says to the door probably too quiet to hear. He quickly turn away from the door and continues pacing. Hes been weighing the pros and cons and the overwhelming feel of needing the release, the reminder that hes alive, is outweighing every single con his mind can possibly imagine. It always does. Tyler sighs heavily. He walks to his suitcase and falls to his knees. He digs through his mess until he find his baggie, then he grabs the dark blue disposable razor from toward the bottom of the bag. He starts breaking the plastic gaurds off. His heart is calm and his hands are steady. He keeps accidently nicking his fingertips, seeing the small red speckles reminds him of what its like to slice himself apart. He gets all four blades loose and apart. He grabs one of the small metal bits and sits on his butt. He pulls his pants down to his knee and pulls his boxers up as high as it'll go. He lines up the razor next to his old thick scars.
"Tyler?" Josh says from behind him. Josh's heart always falls down to his feet when he sees those scars, which isn't often considering all of Tyler's insecurities.
"Shit." Tyler says dropping both hands to the ground next to his hips. He hadn't even heard the water stop. With out speaking a word Tyler takes all the blades and drops them into Joshs hand, pulls his pants up, and drops himself onto the bed. Josh looks down at his palm for a long while. He just doesnt understand how someone could want something so destructive. He understands wanting to be dead, god, does he understand, but to want to hurt yourself to feel alive, he just cant see the appeal. He looks up at Tyler, whos wrapped tightly in the covers. Hes starring at Josh with a blank expression
"Are you mad at me?" Tyler whispers and it only then that Josh realizes how small and hurt Tyler is. He knows how bad Tyler can get, but fuck, Tyler has literally been on the end of a rope. Josh hasnt really thought of his friend in this light.
"No, absolutely not. Im proud of you if anything, Tyler." Josh says quietly shaking his head and walking into the bathroom and quickly flushing the blades.
Hes dressed already in some sweatpants so he climbs onto the bed next to Tyler and hugs him from behind, which proves to be hard since Tyler is burritoed in the blankets.
"Thank you." Tyler whispers and spins around toward Josh, He opens the blankets to let Josh in and buries his face into Joshs bare chest.