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Buck got a lot of shit for when he had a clipboard. He got “too controlling” and “went on a power high” whenever he had one. But the thing is, clipboards make sense. Lists with clear instructions, empty boxes to be ticked off, they brought order and organization among even a chaotic firehouse.
So when Buck’s life turned full of chaos and disorder, he pulled out a clipboard and pretended to smile.
The ball was rolling, but uprooting your life and traveling to a different state required less of a snowball and more of an avalanche to put the wheels in motion. There was a lot for Eddie to do, and Buck couldn’t bring himself to let Eddie do it alone. It was killing Buck, eating away at him in a painful and parasitic way, but it wasn’t like Buck could do anything about it. This was Eddie’s life. Concerns about Chris have always been Eddie’s more than they ever could be Buck’s. Time with Eddie in LA was dwindling and as much as Buck could barely stomach the process of helping his best friend leave, like hell he would give up even a second of whatever they have left together in person.
He knocked on the door.
“Come in,” was muffled behind the wall. Maybe Buck even imagined hearing it, but he took his key and let himself in while he still could.
“Scones?” Eddie asked as Buck entered the kitchen, nodding his head at the container in Bucks hands.
“Finally got around to those snickerdoodles, actually,” Buck answered, “and some muddy buddies. And some ginger snaps.”
Eddie let out a low whistle, “What, were you close to another relapse?”
”Something like that,” Buck grumbled more than spoke. The truth was he hasn’t even thought about texting Tommy in the two weeks since Eddie announced his intent to move. He hardly even thought about Tommy unprompted at all anymore. The flow of bottomless baking has only been maintained as a distraction for Buck from the burning desire to be selfish, to tell Eddie he can’t leave, to scream at Eddie about how stupid he was for putting a plan like this in motion -scheduling an appointment with a realtor and everything- before even voicing to Buck about his desire.
Of course, Buck understood. Buck couldn’t imagine how he’d bring up the conversation to Eddie if he were the one in Eddie’s shoes. He’d probably want a more concrete plan before breaching the subject himself. But Buck also could not understand, because did Eddie seriously think even for a second Buck wouldn’t have his back through anything and everything? Especially when it was for the sake of Chris and Eddie’s relationship with his son. Buck was losing sleep, losing his appetite while simultaneously baking so much he may as well open a ghost restaurant on a food delivery app, he was tired and drained and his head hurt all the time, but he had Eddie’s back. He had to.
“Breaking out the big guns,” Eddie gestured to Buck’s clipboard with a smile that seemed almost fond and almost teasing. Eddie was the only one who’d ever willingly put up with “Clipboard Buck” after all.
Buck kinda hated him a little bit for smiling.
He sent a tight smile back, “Can’t have us missing anything.”
”That we cannot. So what are we checking off today?”
Buck shrugged, “Mainly just scheduling appointments.”
“Right,” Eddie nodded, “we got that follow up with the realtor on Thursday. What’s next?”
Buck nodded and checked that off the list. He swallowed down the agony of hearing Eddie say “we,” “we” have that appointment, because Eddie didn’t even know that that word was heavy enough to crush Buck under its weight. Hell, that word probably let Eddie carry himself a little lighter through everything, not having to go through the messy process alone.
“Making sure you can transfer departments over state lines,” Buck listed off the next item.
“IFSAC certifications are all organized, gonna need to get my fingerprints taken again at some point though.”
”Oh, that’s good,” Buck scribbled down a note. He hadn’t really realized the ball was rolling quite that fast yet, at least on the employment end of things.
“It’s… good?” Eddie questioned.
“Yeah? Isn’t it?” Buck threw back confused.
“Well, yeah, just… Buck you’ve been taking this whole thing really well,” Eddie said.
“Am I not supposed to?” Buck snapped a little too defensively for his supportive best friend act.
“No, I’m glad you are. I just…” Eddie looked at Buck, sighed, then looked away before continuing, “Thank you. Your help has been… it means a lot, man. Thank you.”
Buck swallowed, nodded, and turned back to the clipboard. Then, when he saw the next bullet on the list, he swallowed again. He had to clear his throat to alleviate the tightness before asking, “Have you booked a meeting with your lawyer yet?”
Even though Buck was looking down he could hear Eddie blinking at him in confusion, “My lawyer?”
”Yeah,” Buck finally looked up at Eddie when he felt composed enough.
“I mean I don’t really think this is the type of moving situation where a lawyer needs to be involved, is it?” Eddie asks. He’s confused, bordering suspicious, and quite frankly it’s a stab to Buck’s heart that he’s gonna need to spell this out to Eddie, that Eddie didn’t even realize this himself.
“Your will,” Buck says, clearing his throat again.
Eddie let out a small chuckle, “Pretty sure moving from one estate to another balances out in the will.”
Eddie still didn’t realize? Eddie still didn’t even think about it. He’s moving states, moving time zones, moving 800 miles for his son and he’s still not even thinking about one of the biggest issues.
“Eddie you need to take me out of your will,” Buck’s voice sounded empty. There was no tightened half-smile, there was no forced lightness, Buck didn’t have the energy to pretend that this in particular wasn’t killing Buck all over again in a new creative way.
“Wh-what?” Eddie visibly recoiled as if Buck burned him.
Buck sighed, “You’re moving to El Paso, Eddie. I’m in LA.”
Eddie was stumbling, processing, “Well, I-I know that-“
”So if something happens, if god forbid something happens, I can’t be the back up plan anymore. Not when you and Chris are both settling down out there,” Buck cut Eddie off.
Eddie stared at Buck for a moment, then two. Then, Eddie clicked his jaw shut. When he spoke, his voice was just as empty as Buck’s had been earlier, “I guess you’re right.”
”Right,” Buck nodded.
Silence hung.
“Right, okay,” Buck sighed. He needed to turn his energy around, he needed to turn off his stupid, selfish, self-pity and lock in to his duties as a supportive best friend. He attempted to flash a smile, “You want a beer? I could go for a beer.”
He placed down his clipboard and started to move to the fridge. Eddie stood up, followed, and stopped Buck before he even reached the fridge’s door.
“No, actually, I don’t want a beer,” Eddie’s voice was soaked through with venom, “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Tightness overtook Buck’s chest when he turned around and saw nothing short of fury behind Eddie’s eyes. What the hell was wrong with Buck? That’s not fair. That’s not fucking fair.
“Me?” Buck questioned incredulously.
“Yes, you!” Eddie’s voice was still raised.
Buck matched the volume, “What more do you want from me, Eddie? You’re leaving, I’m being supportive, I’m helping even!”
“Yeah, you are. You’re helping, Buck. You started helping without batting an eye and I just can’t wrap my head around that!” Eddie was speaking like the fact Buck was helping him, was supporting him, the fact the Buck had his back was akin to getting slapped in the face.
“What else am I supposed to do, Eddie? Am I supposed to tell you to stay? Am I supposed to stop you from watching your son grow up, crying about my stupid-ass abandonment issues? This is for Chris, this is for you and Chris! Do you honestly think there would be anything I’d ever do to get in the way of you and him?” Buck would be crying if his tears weren’t burned up by his rage. Because Buck was angry, he was so fucking angry at Eddie. He hates Eddie a little bit right now, and he hates the feeling of hating Eddie more than he hates Eddie for leaving. Everything hurts, everything aches, and everything feels frozen numb and scalding hot all at the same time.
“So you’re giving him up? There’s nothing you won’t do for me and Chris, but you’re giving him up?” Eddie yells.
“Eddie, he’s staying in El Paso, you’re joining him in El Paso! Would I be expected to just uproot him and bring him back to LA in the midst of his grief? Would I be expected to uproot myself? The first place, the only place in my whole life I’ve ever settled properly. Leave behind my family, leave Bobby and Maddie and Jee and the 118. In the middle of grieving you if you died 800 miles away from me, would you really ask me to leave the only home I’ve ever had?” Buck kinda wanted to cry, kinda wanted to punch Eddie. Eddie looked like he felt the same.
“Jesus, Buck,” Eddie started.
“No, don’t ‘Jesus, Buck’ me. Look me in the eye and tell me it makes an ounce of sense for me to be Chris’s plan b anymore.”
“And that’s it? It’s that simple for you to take yourself out of the equation?” Eddie asked. It was clear he was more pissed at Buck for being right than anything else at this point.
Buck felt his voice crack, “Eddie, nothing about any of this is easy for me.”
”Could’ve fooled me,” Eddie sneered.
“This is killing me! Can’t you see that this is fucking killing me? I’m losing you, Eddie. You’re my- Fuck, man you’re my best friend. And I haven’t heard a peep from Chris since the video chat on his birthday and that was months ago and he barely even said a word the whole call! He doesn’t want to hear from me and that’s fine because he shouldn’t be expected to. I’m your best friend, I’m just his dad’s best friend who took him to the zoo every now and again. He doesn’t need me, he needs his dad. And I can’t need you to stay when he needs you to go and it kills me, it fucking kills me Eddie, but what the fuck am I supposed to do besides help you leave?”
“Buck,” Eddie breathes out his name, a thick and heavy exhale. He’s staring at Buck, rage shifted into pity in his eyes. Buck’s rage is immediately replaced by guilt ridden panic at the sight.
Selfish. Buck was being so fucking selfish.
“Buck, I-“ Eddie began.
Buck couldn’t, Buck just couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t handle that gentle voice, he couldn’t handle Eddie’s look of concern, he couldn’t handle the tears that started welling in Eddie’s eyes. Buck was losing his grip on sanity, he was pissed and guilty and all too overwhelmed and he just couldn’t. Whatever Eddie had to say, he just couldn’t handle hearing it.
So he stepped forward, blinded by an impulse and a need to just not hear whatever words could possibly come next out of Eddie’s mouth, and he pressed his lips against Eddie.
He could feel Eddie tense as Buck gripped the sides of his head. He could taste salt from where their lips pressed together. He could feel Eddie freeze underneath his touch. He could feel more tears fall from his own eyes when he squeezed them shut.
The kiss was Eddie frozen and caught off guard and Buck desperate and dumb. There were no fireworks, no warmth. It was the opposite of what kissing Eddie should feel like. Buck shouldn’t be kissing Eddie at all.
It was hardly a few seconds until Buck moved sharply back, just an inch or two. He still gripped tightly to Eddie, his fingers spread out through Eddie’s hair, and he let out a shaky exhale. He refused to look at Eddie, he let his eyes stay glued to the floor to avoid seeing whatever expression Eddie surely wore openly on his face.
He could feel the moment Eddie began to breathe again, beginning to move under Buck’s grip. He could tell Eddie was about to speak, but he couldn’t even think of what Eddie would have to say and quite honestly he still couldn’t handle listening to whatever it could be.
“Call your lawyer, Edmundo,” Buck spoke in a whisper before Eddie had the chance to form words. He took a step back, then continued with a bit more solidness in his voice but his eyes still looking anywhere but his best friend, “Go to your son, please.”
Buck was walking out of the house.
“Wh- Buck, wait!” Eddie was calling after him as Buck closed the front door.
But Buck couldn’t, he just couldn’t. So he got to his jeep and began driving away before Eddie had the chance to chase after him.
When his phone started ringing, Eddie’s contact lighting up the screen, he clicked it off and drove in silence. He’d listen to whatever voicemail was left later. For now, he just really needed to be the one to leave this time, just for the night. Before Eddie inevitably left him for good.