Chapter Text
Death.
A part of our life cycle.
One ending could be another’s beginning. And one's beginning could be another's end. Two-sided coin with misfortune and fortune.
A repeating pattern that kept continuing. Birth, living and death were the three states of our existence.
Being born was not something you yourself could do anything about. So it was only fair, living was something everyone had a choice on the matter. And for Neil, he had only recently learned how to live compared to his years of existence.
Then there was the final stage.
Death was death. Death was inevitable. Neil was very familiar with it. More familiar than he would like to think to, always been, and perhaps always would be.
The first time he came face to face with it he barely knew how to read, how to count, how to tell the difference between alphabets and numbers. Instead like the other kids, death was one of the things he learned before his A b c’s.
The way of torture, his first lesson of many: In what way did life disappear out of its victims, what way to cut and slice to inflict pain the most painful and lasting ways. More times than not, it happened slowly, torture was a diligent job that Neil never stomached the way his father or Lola did.
They got off on it, the power, the screams, begging and blatantly for the blood, damage they could inflict in the being. Fascinated to see how much someone could take until they broke.
Pain had always been a part of it in his little head from the beginning. It was a confusing sight for a toddler to witness. Over and over again until it became the norm.
A man who he didn’t recognize was getting tortured by his father in their basement, the next time it was a woman, then an associate or even his one time nanny, it just kept going—
Each time, he knew they would die, even wished for it silently so the screams of agony would stop and they would rest.
Because once they found themselves in the basement there was no escape, only torture and death.
Death wasn’t always the worst thing out there, it could be an escape from another hell life put you through.
Regardless, death was an everyday occurrence. Yet it could be so discreet and inevitable. It was all around us at the same time it wasn’t.
And now Neil knew it on another level he couldn’t even begin to imagine before. He had experienced death first hand, not as a witness nor from the sidelines or even being the one doing the killing but as someone who had died. Multiple times and yet none, because he was alive. He was more alive than dead at the same time his body ached of the phantom pain that this body hadn’t even experienced.
Even though he knew what it felt like to die. Get thrown back to life just after you felt your skin melting, skull splitting open on the pavement like a rotten pumpkin. Flesh being torn apart from outside and from the inside in all directions and distances.
The tunnel that had once been dark, emitting only shadows of reddish hell from his nightmares had disappeared. Instead of the fire that surrounded him in the too tight suffocating tunnel.
The bright light wasn’t from the fiery flames.
There was indeed light at the end of the tunnel, but it wasn't the famous white light you heard people talking about on the verge of death or how your life flashed before your eyes.
It was hope. Andrew stood there offering a future with his warm palm resting on his, ever so bright.
It was a miracle, that’s what the doctors said, one inch to the left and there could have been nothing they could have done.
And he would have been back there , repeating the endless days, he was sure. But he wasn't. He wasn't there even after the days passed.
There hadn’t been a single day he has not been afraid of death, he has never been so afraid of dying before than he was now.
Not like this.
Not the way he was after he woke up in the hospital, somehow escaping from the torturous time loop he spent the past weeks fighting. All skittish and tense. Waiting and waiting and waiting for it to be a fluke.
Yes, there had been the overwhelming relief of surviving at first.
But from now on…how was he supposed to do this… to move on with his life when he had spent so much time and energy in a constant nightmare, a horror show that he was the star of.
How was he going to explain the change in this Neil and the previous Neil they expected him to be…how was he supposed to act?
When the meds subdued the pain was very distracting and foxes visiting him every chance they got helped his head not to wonder. Then the FBI came to meet him to get things sorted and he hadn't really had any time to think, not really.
Now he had too much of it.
This was the dilemma he was facing after getting out of the hospital. Without the numbing meds that left him feeling hazy nor the constant pain or other distractions, he was left with his thoughts and his thoughts alone.
And now he was paranoid even to sleep. What if once he closed his eyes—he would wake up there again. What would he do then? How would he - could he even —
“Still awake?” A voice behind him asked. Neil turned his head, blinking to focus on the person who had at some point entered the beanbag area. Everyone was supposed to be asleep, or should have been including Neil.
“You need sleep.” Andrew said as he made his way to sit down joining him on the couch.
It was close to morning hours, the sun was starting to peek under its covers.
Truth be told, Neil hadn't been sleeping for several days now, not really. He can't, too scared to even how tired he gets, heavy limbs and lids drag him to slumber but he forces it out. Forces his eyes to stay open and brain awake.
“Tell me why won’t you sleep?” Andrew scoots a little closer getting a blanket over them, still leaving a safe distance in between.
Neil hesitates to answer, but after everything…he wasn't going to lie, not anymore.
“I'm afraid that once I close my eyes, this is gone and it was all just a dream.” he confesses.
If this really were to disappear and he would be hearing the haunting voice of Wymack telling them to get ready—he would lose it. He really would— if his eyes met the old gray washed seats in front of him…he would not make it, he would go crazy.
Thus, closing his eyes meant losing consciousness and not knowing what's welcoming him back once he opens them.
Sleeping was too nerve wracking each time the meds forced him to fall asleep at the hospital and waking up was twice as tormenting. There were always the first seconds he didn't know where he was or more like where he hoped not to be ever again.
“It’s not, you're here.” Andrew replied to his earlier statement, taking a pillow and getting more comfortable. Clearly intending to stay for a while. Neil didn’t necessarily like that Andrew was possibly losing his sleep over him but said nothing of it.
Neil still looked at him unconvinced, “How do you know that?” he asked, raising his shoulders while shivers ran past them.
Andrew leaned closer into his space holding the unwavering eye contact.
“Yes or no?”
“Yes.” Neil whispered automatically. A careful but firm hand found its way on Neil’s own hand that was fisted. “Do you feel that?” The blond started unwrapping the tightly clenched fingers one by one interlocking them with his own and Neil could feel his heart hammering more than usual of the unexpected contact.
The warmness spread in his chest. “Well… yes.” Andrew's hand was warm even through the few layers of bandages between their skin, it was always so damn warm lighting the skin of any contact. Direct or not.
Then the hand moved carefully up his forearm avoiding too much pressure around the wounds circling under his clothes, hidden beneath them.
“Then how about this -“ There's a sudden gentle pinch on his skin on the unharmed patch of it that gets him jolting by surprise. “Ow, Andrew, what the fuck?” Neil calls out, staring at Andrew in disbelief.
Andrew doesn't look that apologetic. “Well you felt that.” explains the blond. “Didn’t you know if you're pinched and you feel it, you're not dreaming. So there. You are real.” Andrew rests the hand from there to his shoulder, fingers nearing his nape.
The shivers that go around his neck makes him lean into the touch.
“I can only hope” Neil replies not too confident, staring at the television that he had put on for white noise in the background when everyone had gone to sleep and he had wandered on the couch unable to do so from his own dorm.
For some reason he felt safer here, not that he didn't trust Matt or that the couch at their dorm wasn't comfortable, but after spending many nights here between the loops, it had begun to be a habit of kind.
And no one had said a word when they found Neil sitting on the cousins couch at their dorm early hours of the morning.
“Don't hope, believe.” Andrew told him, nudging him slightly to get his attention back.
Neil stared into the hazel of the other’s eyes. “Make me believe then,” he said.
“Do you feel this?” There were fingers lingering on his neck and another silent question of yes or no’s.
“I told you already, it's yes –” there's soft lips against his own shortly after swallowing his cut out sentence, a hand on his nape holding him in place.
There's no usual roughness on the edges of the kisses, Andrew's careful and slow with it, avoiding the bandages on Neil’s face, a hand on the hem of his shirt, just holding but not going further.
Just holding him there. Holding him together.
“Can i-”
“Waist up.” Andrew says between the kiss answering his question.
Neil takes the invitation, a carefulness on his own hold of the other’s shirt, mapping the area with urge, until his aching hands stop on the wider back almost like a embrace. Hands crowding around the other and soon Andrew's arms find his back too, just there.
Holding each other and the kisses stop as Neil leans his face into Andrew’s shoulder.
He fits so well here. Into Andrew’s arms. Feels so at peace and the warmth of home.
It's calming the same way running eases every muscle afterwards once the bent up energy has left his system. Or at least it did before, now he wasn’t sure, he would have to test it out after he healed enough to be able to even walk without it hurting everywhere.
At least Andrew never changed, his present stayed calming as ever even those times it felt like his heart was breaking, he still made it bearable with the thoughts of the keys or a home.
Something to come back to.
“Thank you.” Another of his whispered truths.
“Just so you know, if you dare to say the next words,” the voice said into his ear “you're banned from saying that forever.'' Andrew replies by distancing himself a bit so he can look Neil in the eyes after he too lifts his gaze to the other.
Neil stays tight lipped, reminded what few more words Andrew means and how many times Neil has had to repeat them. Thank you, you were amazing.
Too many in his opinion, the first time would have been enough and the second felt sickeningly hard to swallow and repeat as did the other times. It was never easy but it worked, made it go more smoothly…if he wanted to keep the others from the line of lead or Lola’s knives.
He would do anything to erase them from his memories . The failed loops, the pain they brought and the anguish of things he caused. He shivered, staring at his hands.
”What is it?” Andrew asked. What's keeping you up at night?
To which Neil shakes his head. Too many things to list or count. “I'm not ready to talk about it yet, it's too painful to even think about.” The many deaths that haunt him when he tries to close his eyes alone in his bed, or on the sofa he was camping at to ease the whispers of horrible sounds glued to his eardrums with now way of removing them. No way to undone the memories he's been left alone to carry.
Feeling the warm stickiness between his fingers that isn't there.
The hot tears staining his cheeks that haven't fallen, screams ripping at his throat he hasn't screamed.
The foxes knew. Not everything, but enough.
He had told them about the situation when they noticed a certain change with their striker after waking up in the hospital. He knew most of them still didn’t believe him entirely but he had needed to tell them.
To get it off his chest.
‘No more lies’ was the most used line of the past week he heard from several members as they came to see him.
So he told them about the time loop.
On the final day before his release, he caved in and told them in the evening when everyone was present. It wasn’t an easy conversation to have. It never had been and this was no different, if anything this had been harder.
[The day of his discharge]
The foxes had gathered all around the room after Neil had told Andrew he needed to tell something with everyone there. They had come the same day after Andrew had sent one of them the text to gather everyone and now everyone waited patiently for what Neil wanted to tell them about.
It was no lie that most of them couldn't contain their curious stares. But before he had the chance to get into the topic, the bruising on Renee’s face made him pause.
“What happened?” He asked while Foxes looked at each other guilty and Neil understood that they were looking at Andrew and Renee.
“What happened?” he asked again, more serious this time. Andrew just pointed a look for Renee, like it wasn't his business to tell.
“It's fine Neil, I'm okay.” Renee smiled. “But I had to go get Jean out of the Nest.”
Neil knew Kengo had died just a few days ago, the day after he had woken up at the hospital, the second time. At that time the meds made it hard to comprehend the true situation because now it was all coming back.
Kengo died, Riko not getting an invite to the funeral, and how scared Kevin had been when he told him.
Just because he had escaped one prison after another didn't mean he was a free man walking. There were the Moriyama’s, Riko , just because his father was dead didn't make them any less dangerous.
The time loop had fucked up his priorities for a while. Messed his head and now he truly didn't know where he stood and with what life.
“I need to tell you guys something and I know it will be hard to believe at first but I need you all to listen to me until the end.” he stated as calmly as he could muster. It had to be done, he had to do this for himself if anyone because it was drowning him in.
“What is it?” Dan asked, a little nervous. “It's nothing bad right?” Matt shifted around. “You know…” like last time you almost got killed…twice. Was what everyone was thinking.
“No.” Neil reassured them.
“I will ask you all a question and I want you all to answer my question honestly. Alright?” This should be simple enough to start with.
Nicky raised his arm. “A question, what kind of question?”
“If you let him speak, maybe he would tell you.” Allison spoke beside the other blabbermouth.
“I was just asking, damn.” Nicky said under his breath rolling his eyes at her.
Neil stares them down until everyone shuts their mouths and lets him speak, which takes a while. He had started to fiddle with the blanket’s corner until Andrew cleared his throat for him to continue.
Neil looked up unsure.
“What would you do if you were stuck in a time loop?” Neil says voice wavering just slightly on the last words enough he can blame it on the injuries. Even if Andrew sees right through his act.
“That's the question, Allison you start.” He pointed at her waiting for her to react. “Neil what's this??” Dan questioned making a wry face.
“Did you really drag us all here just for that?” Aaron groaned from his spot, getting ready to leave.
“ Just do it.” He tells them seriously. “Allison go.” Eyes drilling them to say something.
“Let's do as he asked.” Renee’s eyes never leave his, calculating and observing.
He waits as each takes their time to think and eventually tell their similar answers as he expected them to, some small differences here and there. But it wouldn’t matter for the bigger picture. It was close enough to be believable.
“So now I'm going to tell you something unbelievable and I know how it sounds but hear me out…okay” Neil felt down his pocket and he still had it thankfully.
“God Josten, spit it out already.” Allison nearly bursted out from her boots.
“Before today, I had been stuck in a time loop of the past twenty times or so and I finally got out of it.” He looks around the room nervously. “That's why I seem different or distant or whatever you want to call it.” And he waits for their reactions, the disbelief that always sting in his gut.
The fear that always lingered.
“Neil, it's not time for jokes.” Nicky looks around waiting for the punchline. And when it never comes Nicky looks more confused than ever. Andrew hasn't moved from the seat beside him once, or offered anything else than his answer for the time loop question earlier, he has just been listening without any way for Neil to see what the other is thinking.
“No it's not.” Neil replies “Its not funny that i had to die and see you guys get harmed because of me every single time i close my eyes now and be reminded of the times i fucked up and I’m scared that if i make a mistake now i will be back there again.” he swallows loudly looking at his hands.
“Did you hurt your head?!” Kevin says, alarmed, ”Does he have brain damage?” He turns to Aaron like he would know the answers. “Doctor, should we get a doctor!”
As Aaron was about to open his mouth to tell his opinions of Neil. That Neil rather didn't need to hear. “I know, I know, you won’t believe me, you guys never really did when I tried to explain it before to y'all and that’s why I have this. ” he takes the sheet of paper that's folded inside his pocket he had written earlier.
“I'm gonna read it to you, so listen.”
He clears his throat and starts reading the first sentence:
“- Try to spend all money in one day.”
He reads but gets interrupted almost instantly. “Hey that’s my answer!” Allison yelps, but Neil continues the list without giving them any chances to speak more.
“- Travel to a different country each loop
- Join her.
- Study
- Fuck with us and figure out the loop
- Exy
- See Erik
- Be helpful”
He goes on until he has read them all and then he hands the paper to them for proof. “I wrote this before you came in.” The paper goes around and something the likes of comprehension settles in all the things Neil had told them the past few minutes to process in.
“Hold on -” Nicky looks at him, trying to understand everything at once. “you died!?” is the first thing Nicky focuses over.
Neil nods. “Yeah well, it didn't stick.”
And hell breaks loose, the room explodes of speculations, questions of utter disbelief and at some point at least some individuals believe him somewhat as others don't, Neil didn't really expect them to believe him straight away anyway from what he had learned before it would take time.
But he had time, he had time, a lot of it now that the clock was ticking onward without getting a setback each time.
[Present]
The first person to believe him was Andrew, actually believing his story without further questions. It was quite perplexing to think of Andrew not asking follow up questions right away when the others left the hospital that night or any nights before until now.
“Then don't, don't think. I will wait when you're ready, and if you're never ready I’ll still be here.” Andrew guided himself in a sitting position and shifted Neil to lay his head on his lap into a more comfortable position, back against the mushy sofa as it's the only position Neil can really lay down…without it hurting his ribs too much.
“Now stop making my job harder and try to sleep, I will wake you up if you have a nightmare.” Andrew's fingers find his hair as he pics the remote on the other and flics a random channel.
“I'm not your responsibility.” Neil relaxed onto the touch faster than he had expected, yawning.
“No, you’re a tragedy and someone needs to stop you from sinking.”
“And it had to be you. ” he closes his tired eyes as the fingers comb his hair.
Neil can tell there's a smirk on the other’s lips. “Well no one else was quite up for the challenge.” Andrew says with an ounce of cheekiness behind the words.
Neil breathes deeply, half smiling. Body indeed in need of rest.
Maybe he could sleep, it feels safe enough, Andrew being there to catch him if he will crash. To get him up when he falls.
It will be alright. This was safe. Andrew was safe.
And after a while he drifts into the most peaceful sleep in ages, knowing he won’t be alone when he wakes up.
Healing is weird. Some days you’re okay and doing just fine.
Other days it hurts like it's fresh.
He needs to learn to live with it like his other scars.
It won’t be easily healed but with time, with his team, with Andrew, he wants to believe it's possible.