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The next morning, Garak sends a message to Julian: warm and soft, teasing and gentle. There is no reply by lunch, so he stops by the infirmary.
“Doctor Bashir is out today. Can I help you?” The nurse is Bajoran and her smile unwelcoming, so Garak politely excuses himself.
Back in his shop, Garak's comms go unanswered.
Perhaps the doctor really is unwell. Garak wants to believe this with all that he is, but after a night he will replay in his dreams and every waking hour for the rest of his life, he cannot believe it is that simple. Why would Julian call out sick but not answer his messages? One or the other would make sense, but not both.
The hours until closing are interminable, and he accidentally sticks himself with a needle thirteen State-forsaken times.
He really will need a doctor at this rate.
• • • • •
Garak should leave now if he wants time to bathe and read before bed, but truly - he could not care less. This would be the perfect time: their conversation has stalled and the silence feels somehow awkward, though Garak assumes it's just him: he's hiding a friendship-ending secret, so every silence is filled with uncertainty.
He never lets it show.
Julian has work in the morning, and as much as Garak trusts him to verbalize his needs, he also knows that they can both completely lose track of time. Just last month they’d talked until dawn, then laughed and had breakfast together before heading to their shifts.
It was the most perfect night of Garak's life, but he refuses to let his beautiful, passionate doctor sacrifice his needs any more than he must - especially not for an old Cardassian exile.
Alcohol will give him the excuse to stay that he so desperately wants, so Garak rises before he can pour another glass.
“Well, my dear doctor - as always, this has been the highlight of my week.”
Julian stands, but as neither of them noticed how close they'd moved toward each other as the evening went on, he is only inches away. His eyes fall to Garak's mouth before he snaps them back up.
“Y-yes. A p-pleasure, as always.” Julian's voice is almost a whisper; his eyes slightly panicked.
It's been so long since Garak's been nervous that he barely recognizes the feeling.
It's exhilarating.
Garak takes a deep breath and reaches out slowly so Julian can move away if he's read this wrong, but Julian's pupils go wide and his lips part as Garak slides his fingers along his shoulder and through his hair, settling them on the back of his neck. Julian begins to whimper then, nearly inaudibly, and Garak pulls him in for a kiss this way: strong, clawed hand cupping his fragile neck bones, forcing his body to follow. His whimper turns into a whine as his lips meet Garak's; his knees go weak and Garak has to catch him by the waist before he falls.
Garak drops back down on the couch, pulling Julian with him, and Julian straddles him so naturally it's like he was made to fit in Garak's lap.
“Oh god," he whimpers as Garak tips his head back and nips at his throat. Garak slides one hand under his shirt, stroking the strong muscles of his back, then drags Julian's hips even closer.
Julian is already hard. Garak's purse is slick.
“I want you,” Julian murmurs. “I've wanted you for so long.”
Garak is thankful he's sitting, or he would have everted on the spot.
Julian makes all the sounds Garak wishes he could still make: need, want, desperation - everything the Obsidian Order carved out of him - and it sends him higher than the wire ever did.
Julian digs his fingers into Garak's shoulder ridges and freezes, grimacing. "Fuck, I want to come,” he whimpers, “but I need you inside me!”
Garak crushes Julian to him and his claws dig divots into Julian's back. Julian gasps and grinds up against him in the little space that's left between them. “Oh, fuck - fuck me, Garak, please!”
“Since you asked so nicely,” Garak says breathlessly, holding on to control by a single, rapidly unraveling thread. He stands up effortlessly and Julian wraps his legs around Garak's waist as he's carried to the bedroom.
He drops Julian to the bed and follows him down, everting as he falls.
• • • • •
Garak is polite enough to knock at Julian's door, but when he hears no movement, he lets himself in. The gap between Federation and Cardassian security systems could let a starship through, nevermind a simple tailor.
He's almost offended, really.
All the lights are out, but the faint starlight is just enough for his reflective reptilian eyes to see by: combined with his scent receptors, Garak moves confidently and silently through Julian's quarters. Julian is still here and has not yet bathed; the smell of sex is still heavy in the air.
Julian is in his room. No, in his… closet? The door is shut.
Garak sticks out a long, long tongue and tastes the air. It tastes like fear.
Garak slips back to the doorway before calling out softly, “Doctor Bashir? Your silence today was unexpected. As was your absence in the infirmary.”
Julian does not answer. The fear-smell spikes. Now that Julian knows he's here and is less likely to lash out with a disruptor (though the risk is never zero), Garak sits on the floor in front of the closet.
“It seems my concern for you is well-deserved.”
Julian's breathing is ragged.
“I'm sorry for pushing so hard,” Garak says simply. “It's rare I misread a situation this badly.”
Julian sucks in a wet, gasping breath. He's been crying.
He's still crying.
Garak's heart breaks.
“I am deeply sorry for my actions. I would rather have died than cause you pain. I will miss our lunches, Doctor.”
As he stands, he hears the closet door open a crack.
“Please don't - don't go.”
Garak's heart kicks into his throat. Please - for the love of all Cardassia, please let him mean it.
He settles back down. He can see a sliver of Julian's skin; he's still naked. Julian's hand sneaks out through the gap, palm up. Garak takes a breath and a chance and wraps it in his own.
His thumb makes soft circles.
Julian weeps.
• • • • •
Julian howls as he lands; grasping, clawing, begging. Garak presses him down so neither one of them can thrust, as much as he desperately wants to.
“Breathe,” he whispers raggedly, and Julian mewls with want. Garak presses their foreheads together and breathes slowly, deeply, deliberately, until Julian's breathing matches his and his hands are gentle across Garak's back.
Julian cards his fingers through Garak's hair and kisses him soft and sweet.
Garak smiles and stands, unfastening his tunic. Julian rips his clothes off gracelessly, wantonly, and strokes himself.
“No touching,” Garak says archly. Julian whimpers as he tucks his hands under his ass, his straining cock bobbing decadently.
Garak's clothes fall away. His cock is a reddish purple, shiny and dripping with his own slick.
Julian keens with want.
His knees fall apart and he uses his hands to spread his ass open. “Right here,” he says shakily. “But go slow; it's not designed for this.”
Garak has done his research. He reaches into his purse to slick his fingers, then climbs on the bed and kisses Julian as he so, so carefully slips one claw inside.
Julian starts to writhe. “More,” he demands between hungry, open-mouthed kisses, and Garak stretches him further, tugging against the pink rim to keep him protected from a second claw. His scales catch lightly as he thrusts slowly, carefully.
“Oh stars , I'm ready!” Julian gasps. “Oh, god, Garak, please!” he cries, and lines up Garak's wet, dripping length.
Garak barely gets his fingers out of the way before he's sinking into Julian's tight heat, and Julian uses his heels to pull him in faster, deeper, keening wildly. Julian is fucking himself on Garak's cock from beneath, rocking and mewling, his eyes rolled back.
“Oh god - Garak!” Julian cries, and his thighs shake violently as he spills between them. “Fuck, yes! Oh, stars - keep fucking me! I can come again!”
Garak does - wildly, powerfully - the thickness of his hips stretching Julian's legs wide. It's rare that he has been grateful for any aspect of his Obsidian Order training, but he is now: he focuses on his breathing and the mechanics of movement as Julian's desperate eyes and shockingly tight heat threaten to devour him.
Julian tongues his chula as his cock thrusts against his chuva. Garak sinks his claws into the bed in a desperate attempt to keep this from ending before they've started.
“Not yet,” Garak gasps, stopping his thrusts as Julian starts to shake.
“Oh, god - what are you doing? Why did you stop?” Julian cries out, voice cracking.
This might be my only chance to touch you. I never want it to end, Garak thinks. Instead, he says, “What do you care? You already had your orgasm.”
“What? Garak!”
Garak smiles deviously. “I'm going to build you up again,” he murmurs, his eyes reflecting in the half-light of the room. He runs his hands soothingly down Julian's sides as he gasps and writhes beneath him.
“I was so close! ” Julian protests.
“I know,” Garak purrs. “But when we're done, you'll know what it feels like to be a supernova.”
Julian whines.
Garak runs his scaled hands along Julian's trembling legs. “The human body is so fragile,” he murmurs. “It's not just naked; it's soft and unprotected and so very, very vulnerable.” He leans down to kiss Julian, pinning his hips when he tries to thrust. “Such a delicate body to be paired with such a headstrong, reckless mind.”
Julian wraps his arms around Garak's neck, holding tightly to him. “Please,” he whimpers.
“Soon,” Garak says, dropping kisses along his collarbones. “Breathe slowly and deeply,” he murmurs, biting gently down Julian's chest. Julian does as he's asked, and his trembling gradually fades. When he is still again, he cards his hands through Garak's hair.
“You're a right bastard, you know.”
Garak grins darkly. “I haven't even begun.”
• • • • •
It's a long time before Julian speaks. When he does, his words are soft and halting and uncertain.
“I… wasn't sure if I - if I was… real.” He takes a deep, shuddering breath. “It-it was like… it was like you were reading my mind – th-things I didn't - things even I didn't know. It was so, so easy that I s-started to wonder if I was an - an android, or maybe a… holoprogram?” The rise of his voice has a manic edge. “I started to wonder if I even existed - or if I was just a… a figment of your imagination.”
Garak's heart shatters. He hadn't left this morning just because it was a workday - he'd left because he was terrified that when Julian awoke, his smile would be flat and distant. Instead, Julian had crumbled into an existential crisis alone in the dark. Garak wants so badly to wrap Julian in his arms, to bleed out for the pain he's caused, but he can only sit and wait until Julian is ready.
This is what happens when you put yourself before the State, Tain says from the shadows in his mind. You deserve this.
Yes, Garak says simply, without a flicker of argument. But Julian doesn't.
• • • • •
Garak pulls out slowly and slides back in as Julian cries out. “Stars, yes! Please! Please fuck me!”
Still holding Julian down by the hips, Garak fucks him ruthlessly. Julian howls and scrabbles desperately at Garak's arms, his back - anything he can reach.
When his legs start to shake, Garak stops again.
Julian screams. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no!” Tears spill down his face as he grabs for his cock.
Garak pins his wrists beside his hips.
“Please , Garak - I need to come!”
“You will. But not yet.”
“Please!”
“Shh. You're doing wonderfully, my beautiful boy. Breathe.”
Julian sobs. He's never been so turned on in his life - so desperate, so willing to sacrifice his dignity in any way Garak demands. His cheeks are hot with humiliation even as his cock strains for Garak.
“Julian, look at me.”
It takes a minute to work up the courage to look at Garak, the man who has put him in such a state, the man he has allowed to make him a desperate begging mess. The shame of how much he's enjoying it is too much to bear.
“Julian.”
Garak's eyes are ocean-blue, filled with untold mysteries and unknown darkness. Fear sparks up Julian's spine as Garak begins to thrust lazily.
“You are never allowed to come again without my permission - not even when you're alone. Is that clear?”
Julian's pupils devour all the color in his eyes. He can't make a sound.
“I will grant them as I see fit, and sometimes you won't come for months at a time. You will beg as I fill you, over and over, and you will cry sweetly with desperate need.”
Julian feels hypoxic. He's careless and floating: no thoughts, no concerns. He very, very distantly wonders if there’s been a hull breach; if all the oxygen is being sucked into space.
He doesn't really care.
He feels… peaceful. His arms and legs slowly fall to the bed; his breathing turns sleep-slow. Garak's eyes are all he can see - they're all he wants to see.
“Julian, do you understand?”
Julian blinks slowly. “Yes,” he breathes.
“You are being so very, very good for me.”
Julian's smile is slow and languid.
“Do you think you'll need help holding back?”
Julian breathes in slowly. “Don't know,” he exhales.
“Tell me if you do.”
“Yes,” he sighs.
Garak starts up slowly, watching Julian's body swallow him to the root; watches his red, swollen rim stretch and grasp as he withdraws.
Julian's mouth trembles as he watches Garak slowly fuck him, the sound of Garak's generous natural lubrication adding to the feeling of floating on an endless ocean. The trembling moves down his body as Garak moves faster, fucks harder, but Julian still can't move. He's on the edge of a wave that refuses to break.
Garak keeps his eyes locked on Julian's as his hips begin to stutter, and he cries out Julian's name as he comes.
Julian feels like dawn is breaking, and Garak is the sun.
• • • • •
Garak slowly moves his hand and links his fingers with Julian's.
Julian whimpers.
“This is - it's everything I ever wanted. All of this, with-with you . I wouldn't - I never - I… I couldn't even let myself dream of it. The only time I've ever wanted to - to - to d-d-die was when I - I thought too hard about - about everything . Everything I knew I'd never have,” he ends on a whisper.
“That's why I wanted this posting - frontier medicine would keep me too busy to think.” He laughs, and it's a bitter sound.
“Anyway, um, now that this is-is-is possible, um, I'm - I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared . I'm terrified I'll… I'll lose myself in you and - and disappear.”
“Never.” Garak says, more vehemently than he intends, eyes shining in the dark. “You're everything I ever dr- why would I want to change perfection? Besides,” he says, taking a deep breath before opting for honesty, “how can you lose yourself in me when I'm already lost in you?”
Julian snorts. “Garak, I would ask what's wrong with you, but I fear the answer would take years.” Garak actually laughs at this, and it startles him. “Besides, there are better ways to spend our time.”
The door opens. Julian's hair is a mess and his eyes are swollen and he is the most beautiful thing Garak has ever seen. Garak runs his fingers gently over Julian's stubbled jaw and draws a thumb across his damp cheek.
• • • • •
When Garak releases his wrists, Julian trails them up his scaled thighs, his stomach, his chest, and coaxes Garak to lay down on him, cock still stretching him open. Julian's arms settle across Garak's back as he nuzzles into his neck.
“Yes,” Julian exhales.
“How do you feel?” Garak murmurs.
Julian just smiles, dazed, and lets his breath rumble contentedly in his chest.
His fingertips play idly with Garak's scales as they breathe together. He smells like earth and copper and orchids.
Julian is suspended somewhere between the earth and sky.
He feels… fulfilled. Satisfied. Complete, for the first time in his life. Every pain and struggle and fight he has survived have brought him to this moment, and in the face of this perfection, they burn to ash and scatter on the wind.
Garak slowly raises up and resettles himself on his knees. He runs a claw down Julian's still-hard cock and watches a droplet spill.
“You've been so good for me,” he purrs, and starts up a lazy rhythm. Julian lets out a trembling breath that ends in a whimper.
Julian's eyes are unfocused as his body rocks with Garak's fucking, his skin electric and thrumming.
“You could have rubbed up against me and come before I could have stopped you,” Garak murmurs. “But you didn't move a muscle. It feels good to be so deeply, viscerally controlled, doesn't it?”
Julian can only smile.
“Are you ready to come?”
“No,” Julian whispers.
“No?”
“No. Thank you.”
“Are you certain?”
“Yes,” Julian breathes, and a soft smile blooms across his face. “Fuck me, Garak. Use me. Fill me until I overflow with you. Leave me wet and desperate and begging. I was made for this.”
Garak's eyes go shock-wide as he comes without warning.
“Yes,” Julian whimpers, cock slowly, slowly dripping as Garak's rains spill out of him. He feels like he's the still center of an electrical storm.
Garak kisses him, deeply and slowly. Julian kisses back, drowning in the feeling of being so fully claimed, of being irrefutably owned.
He has never felt so alive.
Garak withdraws and brings a warm, wet cloth to clean him with, then puts Julian on his side and curls up behind him, palm against his belly, careful not to touch his still-hard cock.
They fall asleep together, breathing in tandem.
• • • • •
“I'm so sorry,” Garak says. “If I'd had any idea, I would have stayed. I didn't want to leave.”
Julian leans into Garak's hand. “I would have told you, but I haven't slept through the night in years. Not that I expected to sleep at all after that,” Julian chuckles, face heating.
Garak's lip curls in the dark. “Did you…?”
“I wanted to! Stars, I want to! But - but I - ” he laughs and covers his face with his free hand. “Oh, god - I can't. I've wanked myself raw trying.”
Garak trembles and his eyes flutter closed. His seam is wet and wide, and only his position on the floor is stopping him from everting fully.
His claws tighten around Julian's hand, and Julian holds tightly back.
He knows exactly who and what I am, and he still wants this. With me.
He wants… me.
I don't - I can't - I'm not -
Julian climbs into Garak's lap, cups his face with both hands, and kisses him softly.
“I've wanted you from that first day in the replimat. I've wanted you every night since then. I want breakfast and raktajino with you and I want to argue with you about books at least three times a week. I just want you. All of you.”
Garak feels like he's falling. “I would ask what's wrong with you," he murmurs, “but it seems I'm getting the better end of the bargain.”
Julian laughs and pushes him down to the floor, and Garak gasps as he everts.
“That has to be uncomfortable,” Julian says. “Let me help.” He unfastens Garak's trousers, and before Garak can react, Julian is sliding down his very wet length.
Garak lets out a shaking breath.
Julian keens. “Oh god, oh god, oh fuck - I thought I was dreaming! Oh god , Garak - never stop fucking me - please never stop…”
Garak holds Julian's hips in place and thrusts up into him as Julian howls.
“Oh god , Garak - Elim - please, please, please … ”
“'Please’ what?”
“Oh, god - you're actually going to make me say it?”
“That's half the fun,” Garak purrs, and withdraws almost completely before slowly sliding back in.
“Please - oh god - please - pleaseletmecome!”
Garak wants this every day for the rest of his life, but more than that, he wants to make Julian feel safe; wants to bask in his warmth and his smile and his laughter as Julian's fear and uncertainty melt away.
Garak holds Julian's face in his hands as he thrusts, locking their eyes together. Julian is trembling with need, whispering pleasepleaseplease under his breath as he gasps.
“Julian - come.”
Julian's eyes blow wide as if he is truly terrified, then he lets out a blood-curdling scream as warmth splashes up between them. Garak understands why Julian looked afraid: his own orgasm is ripped from him without warning and it leaves him shocked and gasping, clinging to Julian as though for dear life.
Which it is, now, with Julian beside him.
Julian's face is pressed into his neck. He mouths at the thin scales there as he runs a hand down Garak's side, tucking it under the small of his back.
Garak knows he doesn't deserve any of this, and he will die violently to protect it.
“Claws!” Julian hisses.
Garak relaxes his hands, but doesn't let go. “My apologies.”
Julian chuckles warmly against his skin. “I'm not going anywhere. I mean, feel free to hold me down next time, but I'm not leaving.”
Garak lets out a groan that's half relief and half desire, then flips them both over, pinning Julian's hands beside his head.
“Why wait?”