Chapter Text
Arthur was dying. Not that it was a particularly strange thing for the King to be in life threatening situations, but this time was different. There was nothing Merlin could do about it. He had spent the last weeks scouring over every even slightly relevant book he could get his hands on. It felt like he had read each one forward and back and one more time forward just to be safe. He had even taken to deciphering those old scrolls written on nearly decayed paper and written by nearly deranged sorcerers. But with every page he turned, his hope of lifting the curse that was slowing killing Arthur felt farther and farther away.
He hadn’t moved in minutes, powerless but to watch candle light shift over Arthur’s sunken face. It was the same spot he’d stood every night since his body was laid on the bed. Even though each second spent staring at the weakening body ripped into his chest deeper, he couldn’t stand not seeing that face. When he looked away, Merlin always knew it could have been the last time to see it full of life.
A hiss pulled through his teeth when the sharp corners pinched painfully into his hand, finally jolting him out of his freeze. Shaking his head slightly Merlin eased his grip on the book he held. It was a fairly new edition to his collection, one that a passing druid happened to gift him. Nothing was especially novel about it, but it was the most recently written. The spells inside were more legible and better explained compared to the old books he usually read. Manipulating someone’s soul wasn’t exactly the easiest thing in the world, but Merlin felt pretty confident with the freshly inked pages laying in his hands.
He allowed himself one last lingering look at the man in front of him, lifeless and pale against the rich reds of padded pillows. With a sigh he held out his hand and started carefully reaching out for the magic around him, praying to every god that they wouldn’t force him to keep watching the light steadily fade from Arthur. Even if it was only for a moment.
The spell was actually much quicker to cast than Merlin would have thought. With how significant a soul tended to be he had expected the magic to take its time, careful and measured. Instead, the moment he felt the last word leaving his lips a burst of energy took control and he knew it had worked. It was like some force was taken from Arthur that Merlin could actually feel around him. And still, he felt hollow: performing powerful magic just as a momentary stop to something that he had no hope in fixing.
Merlin tried to convince himself that he could actually see Arthur’s body relax in front of him, but it was pointless. He knew better. Arthur wouldn’t be healed. Only frozen in time, stuck in that empty state. His limbs would still sit too heavy. His lungs would still breathe too little.
“Merlin?”
The book nearly tumbled from where it rested on his palm. Merlin knew that voice. And somehow it was echoing around his skull. And it really shouldn’t have been.
“Arthur…?”
Merlin flit his eyes around him, but found nothing changed in the silent room. Arthur still laid unmoving, firelight still glowed soft, curtains still hung heavy.
“What is going on?”
“You can hear me?” he said, quirking his eyebrows and taking a hesitant step closer to the body on the bed. Merlin’s thoughts spun together messily, trying to figure out what exactly he could have done for this to happen. Apparently Arthur’s soul was actually conscious. It could actually talk to him, albeit mentally.
Arthur spoke with quiet shaking words, voice anchored in confusion and fear. “How ... How is this possible? My body… am I dying?”
That’s when it finally clicked for Merlin. “Holy shit you’re in my head.”
The part of Arthur’s soul Merlin had taken was no longer connected to the unconscious body on the bed. Meaning it could actually be aware without it. And unfortunately it was currently contained within him.
“I’m what?”
Merlin cast his eyes down from the body in front of him. The shock had started dying out, replaced by the increasing unease of what exactly this situation would mean. “Apparently I accidently put a part of your soul in, uh… me.”
Merlin knew the yelling before he finished the words.
“You what!? A part of my soul!?” a breath, “You’re a sorcerer!?”
This really wasn’t how Merlin had ever thought this conversation would go. Well, he probably could have guessed Arthur’s outrage and consequent shouting, but he definitely had never imagined that they would be shoved together like this. Merlin had always figured things would be much more…physical. Maybe that Arthur would throw things in anger, most likely at him. Or he would grip his table in rage and order Merlin away so he could seeth in peace. Worst case scenario, Merlin thought he would at least be able to run if things turned sour.
No. Instead he was trapped right there with Arthur while he felt every stab from the knife Merlin had dug into his back so long ago.
“You have to know that I am so, so sorry, Arthur. I never wanted to hide, I nev-”
“No.” Not yelled, but carrying enough weight that it may as well have been. With just that one word Merlin’s fear melted down into that deep, unending grief he was intimately familiar with. “You lied to me. You lied to me for years and I didn’t know at all. You played me for a fool-”
“No! I wan-!”
“You committed treason from right in front of me every day.” Ah. The seething. Merlin was probably right with his earlier guess. This was definitely Arthur’s ‘gripping the chair so I don’t move to your throat’ voice. Maybe it was good that he didn’t have any control of his hands at the moment. “How many times have you done this? How many spells have you cast the second my back was turned? And now! Now you tear out a part of my soul, all so that-”
The continued lengthy, loud lecture made Merlin start rubbing small circles against the sides of his head like he did with a particularly bad headache. Even though every inch of him was being crushed under the years of his betrayal and deceit, as the seconds dragged on he couldn’t stop thinking of just how useless this actually was. Plus, he needed to keep looking for ways to actually help Arthur. And to get him out of his head.
Merlin grunted in frustration and stopped abruptly. “Arthur! Look, could we just save the screaming match until after I save your life! If you do in fact die then it would all be pointless anyway. If you don’t? Feel free to yell at me all you want with your own two lips. As for now, well. You can’t exactly light the pyre while we’re still stuck in the same body can you?”
Silence was the only answer Arthur gave. He always did prefer to lock up his words when he was especially angry.
Merlin nodded and started moving to the door with the disappointment and overwhelming fear that came with that realization. There was a hopelessness not too unlike the one he’d been feeling all these weeks, just this time it was aimed at his own demise as well as Arthur’s.
Their silence persisted Merlin’s whole trek through the castle. Finally walking through the doors of the physician chambers Merlin tried to keep his eyes low, just continuing his stride over to where Gaius sat at their usual work table.
Immediately Merlin was faced with that chiding look that Gaius had gotten oh so good at over the years. Mainly because of all the times he had used it on Merlin. “Mind telling what you have been doing? You’ve been gone all day which can only mean you’ve been up to trouble.”
Arthur finally spoke again at that, “See!? Even Gaius knows you’ve been doing stupid, reckless, traitorous things this whole time!”
Merlin rolled his eyes, moving his leg over the bench across from Gaius. “Not even some thanks for saving your life,” he murmured. At Gaius’s confusion Merlin simply waved him off and shot an awkward smile across the table. While Merlin had mostly come to be just annoyed at having Arthur with him, Gaius was sure not to see it that way.
“So, uh. Arthur is doing better-? Not like, healed better. But… The curse has stopped attacking him?” He really tried to put as much nonchalance into his voice as possible, but Gaius knew him too well. More often than not when Merlin did something to create problems for himself, he would leave out large parts of what had actually happened. Gaius raised his eyebrow to show Merlin he knew as much.
Finally giving up the act, he slumped down in his seat. “I kind of trapped Arthur’s soul in here with me,” he said weakly gesturing toward his head in defeat.
Gaius looked back at him with a special kind of fear. The one that came from having to hide something that could most definitely get you killed. Merlin was very familiar with that horror. It lurked in most of his thoughts. And that was without being magically bound to the man who would pass the sentence.
Exhaustion made his breath feel heavy as it left his lips. But the words sounded empty in his throat, flowing easily enough they seemed insignificant. Honestly, at this point, it didn’t really make a difference. “He knows,” Merlin sighed, not even looking at Gaius as he confirmed his silent fear.
The cruel tone lacing Arthur’s voice only made him sink deeper. “Of course Gaius knew. After all, you’d need someone to strategize just how you could betray me best.” Merlin tried his best not to let Arthur’s hatred twist the knife buried in his heart any further.
“It’s like his soul is sitting just underneath mine.”
Gaius looked at him questioningly. “Merlin, how did you do this?”
Usually Merlin would enjoy that kind of question. Talking through spells was always something he loved doing. Understanding magical power was exceptionally instinctual and it was great to have someone to think with. Especially when he didn’t get many chances to. Now though? He was just tired.
Merlin placed the magic book he was still holding carefully onto the other side of the table. “I split off a section of his soul.”
Gaius’s hands curled around the book, but his eyes never left Merlin. “The soul is a very hard thing to control. There are many ways these kinds of spells can go wrong.”
Merlin expected the harsh shouting from Arthur, but it was still loud enough to make him flinch, gripping his forehead against the noise. “You see!? This is the kind of stuff you do!? You recklessly mess with other people’s lives without them even knowing what is happening to them!?”
“Will you shut up! I know what I’m doing,” Merlin snipped back.
“Merlin, are you sure?” Oh, Gaius was not helping. “This spell only describes transferring the soul into an object. No one knows what the repercussions might be when you transfer it into another living being.”
It was easier than he thought to ignore the screeching insults and complaints in his head. Merlin was already fairly used to it from his daily life. “Actually,” he said, turning his body toward another table filled with books, “Finnian knew.”
“Finnian?”
“He was the one who used the cup of life to resurrect an entire army at once.”
Gaius nodded in recognition. “Of course. The Magicked Warrior.”
Merlin made a little noise of assent as his hands finally wrapped around the ratty old book at the bottom of the pile. Flipping through the pages he started back toward his seat. “In his second histories he writes about doing it on a noble,” he explained, handing the book over to Gaius. “I’m not quite sure it’s the same curse, similar in technique at least. But, he does say that bonding the soul to himself was the only thing that actually stopped the curse. Gave him time to prepare the cure.”
As Gaius let his eyes glide over the pages Merlin jumped at the sharp noise that ran through him. For one blissful moment he had actually forgotten that Arthur currently had the power to scream in his head. “Wait, you didn’t even know if this worked!? You are following the half legible scrawlings of a, most likely, completely insane, long dead sorcerer!?”
Arthur’s growl when Merlin chose to disregard his complaints almost made a hint of amusement come to his mind. Almost. Really though, it was just the only way he could keep himself in this semi-sane state.
Gaius read over the section for a few seconds before looking up at Merlin again. “Why do you think it blocks the curse?”
That finally did get Merlin excited. He had spent hours working on this, all day really (which was what gave him up in the first place.) Perfecting enchantments that were so metaphysical was a very complex thing to do, especially when there was so little to go on in the first place. “I found the section of the soul that the curse what targeting and only took that part out. Now, it is trying to destroy that piece, but it doesn’t realize it’s not actually in his body. My soul is like a shield. The curse can’t find him through the barrier.” The proud look Gaius gave him at that made his heart brighten with a special kind of happiness. “It was a smart curse. It needed a smart solution.”
Gaius hummed, hands still gliding across the pages of the book. “How long will this work? Is there a possibility the curse would search for you?”
Merlin had thought of it. Honestly, he had. But this was the only thing he could do. Every other spell had done nothing at all, or stopped the curse for only a very short amount of time. The transferring of Arthur’s soul into his would at least give him enough time to try and think of something else. It didn’t matter much what it would do to him.
“It won’t,” Merlin trilled, jumping up to collect other books and scrolls for him to go over again. He needed to make the most of the time he had now.
Leaning over the table to grab a handful of scrolls, he hesitated. The look Gaius gave him was strange. His lips were held tight and the crease in his brow was one that Merlin had rarely seen. It wasn’t the disapproving expression he usually got in times where he was doing something particularly dangerous. Instead it was as if he was afraid, debating whether he should do anything at all. Merlin looked at him curiously. “Gaius?”
The intensity of the stare he got in return made him jolt back a bit in surprise.
“He has never been anything but loyal.” So that didn’t really clear things up. “He has stayed in Camelot desperately hiding a part of himself just so he could stay by your side. This is not the first time he has saved your life. I urge you to not make it his last.”
Merlin felt more awkward than anything else. Gaius was not talking to him, but through him to Arthur. It was great to hear those words, of course. He had always been so grateful for the trust and love Gaius had given him. Sometimes his belief in him was the only thing that kept Merlin going in the face of despair. Now, though, it just felt strange. He knew of very few instances where that praise was not said to him, but about him. And it had just been said to someone that he had never really thought would hear it at all.
Merlin couldn’t decide whether to pale or blush as he pulled all the texts to his hands. “Thank you. Gaius.” He wasn’t sure what else to say, but it felt wrong to leave the air feeling as frigid as it did.
He sped to his room, lighting the candles and dropping the books on his bed where they bounced precariously. This at least was something that could take his mind off of the insanity of the situation he was now in. Merlin was good at studying, for the most part. This was not the first time he had to scour over books to try and save Arthur. Far from it. Merlin had been doing this since day one. His collection of resources had increased over the years and the research took much longer than it had at the beginning, with just his one precious magic book. He now studied multiple books at once, bringing in anything that would help him find out what exactly was happening to Arthur. It was almost a ritual now. When researching like this, his brain turned off. He was able to breathe fully, though only with his subconscious.
While Merlin was reading over a passage that he swore he had read probably a hundred times by now, a sudden voice made him start.
Arthur spoke cleanly, the calmest he had since he was put in Merlin’s head. It made their blood run that much colder. “You really are a sorcerer.” It was not an accusation or an insult, just a fact. Like he had finally come to accept something that he really would rather not have. Merlin might have accepted Arthur’s potential hatred a long time ago, but it still cut into him just as deep as the wounds he heard in Arthur’s voice.
A quick breath left his teeth, steadying his voice. “Yeah.”
“Not only a sorcerer, but one that is…” Merlin could imagine Arthur’s hand turning in front of him as he tried to find the words. The thought made a sad smile come to his lips. “Well-read… You know so much.”
Merlin forcefully pushed the heartache and remorse down in his mind, instead choosing to focus on the calm way Arthur was speaking. He could ignore the pain for now. Thankfully, his laugh was only slightly strained as it echoed around the empty room. “With how many times I’ve had to save your royal arse it’s impossible not to pick up a few things.”
He didn’t get the tone quite right. Shame still sat a bit too heavy in the words, but he really hoped Arthur would pass it by. At some point there had to be a real conversation between them, and realistically it was better the sooner it happened. But, gods, did he really not want to have that conversation.
After a minute or so, Merlin thought they would actually get to postpone it a little longer. He opened the book again.
“How long?”
Merlin had expected the question. It was the one that scared him most. Of course Arthur would want to know if all their relationship Merlin had been living a lie. What he couldn’t have predicted was the way in which Arthur said it. There was no fire, no great intensity like Merlin had imagined there to be. The words were quiet. If Arthur hadn’t literally been inside his head Merlin wasn’t sure he would have caught them. It was soft, and vulnerable, and came from someone that was so unmistakably hurt.
A sigh twisted painfully around his throat as he finally brought the pages together in his hands. “I was born with it.”
“Why would you ever come to Camelot then?” His words might’ve been softer than before, but Arthur was definitely still just as sharply angry.
Merlin had really thought this conversation would’ve gone much differently: more yelling and broken furniture, less quiet hesitation. He had no idea how to proceed in this delicate sort of unease. Yet, the second he spoke, the words started coming and they didn’t stop. “My power, I wasn’t in control of it when I was younger. I couldn’t stay in Ealdor where people had started taking notice. My mum went to Gaius, she knew he used to practice magic and she knew he was someone she could trust with her son.” Merlin smiled at the memory. Gaius really was someone he trusted from the bottom of his heart. And he deserved every bit of it. A laugh left his throat as he continued the story. “The first time we met, I magicked a bed under him when he fell. Ten seconds and I’d already given myself away,” he mumbled, shaking his head in quiet disbelief.
“Gaius helped me learn how to control the magic.” It felt so strangely comfortable to tell the story like this. Like they were just the facts of how he got to this spot in his life, not pleas for understanding. He rarely got to talk about it this freely. It felt like an incredible release to finally get the chance to.
“Plus, it got easier once I was here. There is no motivation to keep your magic in check like seeing a sorcerer’s beheading with your first step into Camelot,” he snorted softly. Merlin quieted for just a second, trying to decide if Arthur’s silence meant Merlin should stop talking already or if it was a demand to continue on. His mouth definitely did not want to stop, though. And even if Merlin wasn’t begging, he still wanted Arthur to understand why he had done what he did. As futile as it probably was. “I never meant to become your servant, just so you know. I just got stuck there once I started saving your life. Wouldn’t have even stayed there if it weren’t for Kilgarah’s prophecies,” he muttered mostly as an afterthought.
Arthur finally tuned in at that, “What prophecies?”
Merlin’s cheeks stretched as a smile pulled strong on his face. This was something that he had actually wanted to tell Arthur. As annoying as destiny tended to be, Arthur’s was incredible. And Merlin had always wished he could have shown him that.
“He told me of the Once and Future King. The one who would unite the kingdoms of Albion and bring an era of golden peace across the lands.” He hoped he put as much pride and love as he felt into the words.
“So you saved me because you thought I was going to be this magnificent king?”
Merlin laughed lightly, grateful he could still use just a hint of that playful tone in his words. Even if Arthur never responded the same way, he hadn’t complained yet either. “At first? Definitely not.” His easy smile naturally drifted back to that peaceful fondness. “But it takes very little time with you, Arthur, to realize just how true that prophecy is.”
They stilled for a second, Merlin letting the words sink into Arthur’s understanding.
“You chose to risk your life every day serving under royalty just because you wanted me to create some…paradise future?”
Merlin’s hand ran up to the back of his neck in embarrassment. He really would have rather avoided this whole part of the story, at least for a little longer. “Not exactly. There was more to it than that. It said I was going to protect you, make sure you could fulfill your destiny. Bring about the future side-by-side.” The longer Arthur’s silence was, the more Merlin could feel his cheeks warm.
“ … two sides of the same coin …”
Surprise ran through him a little. Merlin didn’t know where in fact Arthur had learned that phrase, but it always had been one that hid in the corners of his mind. He really did want to believe those words were true. That it was the best way to describe the strange little world they shared together.
“Yeah …”
He waited for a few drawn out beats before concluding that Arthur wouldn’t respond again. So, Merlin opened the book once more and let his eyes continue moving through the words.