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PART FIVE: OLD GIFTS RE-OPENED
“Cullen, I can’t do this anymore.”
“What do you mean?”
“This – us, we have to end it.”
“Oh, I see…”
Phoenix awoke in her sweat, her breaths shaky. “Just a dream.” She told herself, rubbing her forehead. No, a memory. She shook away her thoughts and reached beside her to the empty space in her bed. Bull’s gone, that’s a memory. She bit her lip, got up and paced her room. Memories from today poured into her mind of when Bull told her he loved her; when Cole told her about Dalish, her fight with Bull and Cullen taking care of her. She fought back the tears and succeeded. This day had changed her life, permanently. She was lost, loveless and broken. She embraced the pain as it led her to her balcony.
***
Cullen sat by the fire, letting the warmth engulf him. He made a sound of contentment as he lent back in his chair. It smelt of her, of freshly made bed sheets and wool; it was divine.
“Pain. Hurt. Heartache. Help! Help me someone! I’m going to fall! I’m going to jump! I’m – I’m going jump! Someone help me – help him! He’s just a baby!” Cullen stood abruptly at the sound of the panicked demon, Cole. “Commander you must help! You must help her! I cannot!”
Cullen didn’t need to think twice about what the demon was saying, he ran, he ran as fast as he could through the parapets, rotunda, Great Hall and up the stairs to the Inquisitor’s room. As he did, he prayed to the maker, begged to the Maker that he would not take her from him. He didn’t bother knocking, instead he burst through Inquisitor’s door, looking straight to the balcony. She was still here, but she was tip-toed on the railing.
“Phoenix!” he yelled as he ran to her. He saw her turn to him, her face soaked and lacking color. “Cullen?” she breathed, taking a step towards him on the railing.
He reached out to her as he got closer, as did she until she snapped her hand back. “No!” she cried, her voice croaky, “No I – I can’t do this anymore!” She turned her back to him and took a step.
***
She felt a hand clutch hers as she hung over the railing. She had been saved. Her throat began to ache and she wailed. She dared to look down and saw the plummet to the stone pavements beneath her; she’d been so close. Rain started to pour as she felt strong arms lift her back over the balcony. No! She wasn’t supposed to be saved! She hit the balcony floor with a hard thud, which resulted in a cry of pain from her.
“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” she heard a familiar voice say. Cullen, yes Cullen, he had come to see her. He’d called her name, with so much desperation and pain. He’d reached out to her and… she’d reached back. She felt his arms wrap around her tightly and his head rest upon her. She heard his ragged breath and felt warm liquid seep onto her forehead… he, he was crying?
She closed her eyes as a sudden wave of exhaustion hit her. Maker she was tired – so, so tired. She felt Cullen lift her and carry her to somewhere – her bed she recognized. She felt Cullen pull the soft blankets over her and stroke her cheek. And she felt, just before sleep took her, Cullen lay down beside her and hold her.
***
Cullen couldn’t bring himself to leave her, not in the state she was in. He brought her closer to her, making sure she was secure in his arms. He wasn’t embracing this woman, the woman he loved, no; he was holding her so that she might never escape to make another suicidal attempt… Suicidal attempt. She had nearly succeeded. He closed his eyes and cringed at what he had seen. She’d jumped, she’d – she’d nearly k-killed herself! He clenched his jaw. 'Bull did this,' he told himself, his body tensing, 'Bull had nearly killed her!'
Suddenly he felt Phoenix stir against him and found her twisting so she was face to face with him. He gulped, unmoving, not daring to disturb her. He felt her nuzzle closer and rest her head into the crook of his neck, her hot breath sticking to his skin. 'She was ok - for now,' he reassured himself, letting out a breath, 'she was safe.' He heard her mutter something in her sleep that he didn’t quite understand, however he caught one slurred word; Can. What did that mean? He shook away the though and rubbed the nape of her neck ever so gently.
And that night, he didn’t sleep – not once. He had to protect her and keep her safe, for that she might slip away from him again and he might never see her again. He let out a breath which seemed to caress the Inquisitor’s face. He almost gasped as he saw a slow smile of content creep across the Inquisitor’s features.