Work Text:
Companion piece > the end of him
13 years ago ...
Namjoon straightened his shirt and quickly made sure that it was tucked into his pants. He felt awkward, like someone else dressed in these fancy clothes he borrowed from Seokjin hyung. He hoped, no prayed, that he got this job. The company was up and coming, and he knew if he got in on the ground floor, he had the potential to help it grow, help write for some idols, produce a bit ... maybe be even given the opportunity to release something of his own one day. He nervously walked up to the reception desk and cleared his throat, hoping that the young lady behind the desk would acknowledge him before he had to speak.
"Oh! Hello!" she smiled at him. "Can I help you?"
"Uh ... Yes, I'm here for an interview. Kim Namjoon?" he nervously answered.
The young lady smiled again at him. "Is that a question?" she giggled before looking quickly at her screen. "Ah yes! I see you here, Namjoon-ssi. Have a seat and someone will be along to collect you shortly." She smiled and gestured to the couches behind him.
Namjoon nodded his thanks and turned to take a seat. He shyly glanced around the reception area. There wasn't much to see, it was very basic. He could see a long hallway behind a locked glass door to one side and a similar hallway to the other where he could see two casually dressed men walking toward the door. One waves at Namjoon, smiling, and turns to point Namjoon out to the man behind him.
Namjoon is immediately hit with a sense of something. Something he can't immediately put his finger on. He squints slightly at this second man and stands as the two open the door to greet him.
"Namjoon-ssi! It's a pleasure to finally meet you in person after all the emails, phone calls and text messages! How are you doing?" the first man says, reaching out to offer his hand to Namjoon. Namjoon shakes it, bowing his head slightly, but can't take his eyes off of the man hovering behind him.
"Nervous, sunbaenim, but good. You sir?" Namjoon chuckles.
"Sunbaenim? No, no, no ... Please, we are all friends here. Just call me Hajoon." The man smiles. "And nothing to be nervous about, this is all just a formality. Just wanted to get you here to sign the papers and meet your partner."
Namjoon is confused. He didn't remember the discussion of having a partner in any of the previous conversations he had with Hajoon. "A partner? I wasn't aware I would be working with a partner." Namjoon stutters. He looks over Hajoon's shoulder and locks eyes with the other man.
"Why don't we go down to one of the studios and we can discuss this more?" Hajoon offers and leads both men back towards one of the glass doors. Namjoon trails behind both, studying the man in front of him.
He is shorter than Namjoon, and slighter. His black hair styled haphazardly, almost like he didn't even bother combing it this morning. His attire too was casual, and Namjoon wondered if most here dressed for comfort.
Hajoon stopped in front of a door and opened it, ushering both men inside and closing the door behind them.
"Namjoon, this is Min Yoongi. We have just hired him as a talent, but his skills exceed just the stage. He does writing and producing himself, but we need someone to guide him, be his partner if you will. I think your style and his are similar and you would mesh well." Hajoon smiled at both.
The other man just stared at Namjoon and didn't say a word. His lip pulled up into a smirk and then he turned away to fiddle with a loose thread on his shirt.
"Nice to meet you, Yoongi-ssi. I can't wait to start working with you."
Yoongi huffed in response. "Hyung. You can call me hyung," he replied without taking his eyes off his shirt. Namjoon swallowed nervously as he looked back over to Hajoon for some kind of assistance or guidance. Instead, the other just smiled.
"Excellent! Off to a great start already!" he exclaimed, to which he was greeted with another huff from Yoongi and a pleading glance from Namjoon. "I'm going to quickly run down to my office and grab those papers, Namjoon. Why don't you two chat for a bit?" Hajoon suggested, smiling encouragingly at Namjoon.
Namjoon only nods his head and sits on the leather sofa squeezed into the corner of the room.
As Hajoon makes his exit, Yoongi glances over his shoulder at Namjoon. He looks him up and down and stops at his face. "Namjoon," he starts, "this is gonna be awkward as fuck. We both didn't expect to have to work with someone else, but I need this to work. If you are gonna have a problem working with me-"
Namjoon interrupts. "Why would I have a problem? I don't even know you. Are you gonna have a problem with me?" he asks.
"No ..." Yoongi pauses, looking Namjoon over once again. "I have no problem with you. People just usually have a problem with me. I can be... particular."
Namjoon tilts his head to the side and stares at his new partner. "I guess I'll have to learn to work with it. I want this too. I want it bad. Just don't hold me back," Namjoon warns, "and I won't hold you back either."
Yoongi turns to face Namjoon. "I won't, I'll do my best to support you, if you promise, here and now, to always do the same for me, no matter what." Yoongi sticks his hand out towards Namjoon.
Namjoon stands and stares at the outstretched hand. It was a lot to ask someone you barely knew to trust them blindly, but something about Yoongi sat right with Namjoon. He took the proffered hand and shook it, squeezing it hard. "No matter what," he agreed.
©©©§©©©
11 years ago ...
Namjoon and Yoongi rushed off stage unable to contain their excitement. They turn to each other, smiling, Namjoon all teeth and dimples; Yoongi all teeth and gums. Their eyes lock and they burst into laughter.
"I can't fucking believe it ... I can't believe it!" Yoongi screams, grasping Namjoon's forearms. "We fucking won! We fucking WON!! Namjoon-ah... We won!" Yoongi started to jump up and down, unable to contain himself.
Namjoon just laughed. Laughed at the man in front of him who had quickly become his closest friend, his confidence, his world, really. He didn't think about anything without thinking about how it would affect Yoongi.
"I told you! You didn't believe me, but I told you!! I knew it. This is it, this is the start, hyung. It's only up from here!" Namjoon laughed as Yoongi continued to jump up and down, letting his arms go so he could jump around the green room.
Finally flopping onto a couch, Yoongi sighs happily. "Joon-ah... It was all you. Your song, your lyrics, man... I just can't thank you enough. I'm so happy!" Yoongi leaps off the couch, and back over to Namjoon. He stops and stares at him. The smile slowly slipped from his face.
"Thank you," he says reaching up to cup Namjoon's cheek with his hand. Before he could second guess himself, he leaned up on his toes and quickly pressed his lips against Namjoon's, pulling away just as fast.
"Wha-what was that for?" Namjoon asks, choking on the words. Yoongi's hand still cupped his cheek, his fingers gently caressing his skin.
"I just... I dunno," Yoongi whispers, unable to look away from Namjoon. "It felt right." Yoongi searches Namjoon's face, looking for a response. "Oh god, I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I ruined the moment." Yoongi drops his hand and quickly turns to walk away from Namjoon. Namjoon stops him, and grabs his arm.
"You just surprised me, okay? I, um... Thank you, but I'm not, ah... I, uh, umm... " Namjoon stops as he allows his hand to drop from Yoongi's arm.
"I know, Namjoon ... I don't know why I did it. I'm sorry. Forget it, okay?" Yoongi tries to smile but the smile doesn't reach his eyes. "Let's get going. There has to be a party or something, right? Have some drinks and celebrate?"
Namjoon nods. "Sure, sure, hyung ... Let's find some fun!" He smiles as he moves past Yoongi towards the door.
Later that night, Namjoon can't keep his eyes off Yoongi as he laughs and drinks with people at the club. Namjoon watches him as he dances with a group of people, noticing how he slowly dances closer to a handsome young blonde. He watches as the two dance and he feels something, something in the pit of his stomach. This feeling is new, as he watches his closest friend, clearly flirting with the handsome blonde. Namjoon tries to look away, but he can't. He can't tear his eyes away from the way Yoongi stares at the blonde, the way he licks his lips as his eyes wander down the blonde's lithe body. Namjoon's stomach tightens and he feels sick all of a sudden. He watches as his closest friend leans into the blonde and kisses him; Yoongi's hands trailing down the blonde's back to grab his supple ass. Namjoon feels sick, sick with jealousy.
---$---
"He kissed me."
"He did what now?" Hoseok stopped dead as he walked beside Namjoon on the sidewalk towards the office. Hoseok was a choreographer hired to help Yoongi learn how to dance and naturally became friends with Namjoon as well. The three often spend their free time together. Namjoon felt comfortable sharing with Hoseok.
"He kissed me. Out of the blue. Then apologized and told me to forget it." Namjoon sighs. He turns to look at Hoseok. "I can't forget it," he admits.
Hoseok lightly places his hand on Namjoon's arm. "Joon-ah ... Do you have feelings for Yoongi hyung?"
"I dunno, Hoseok ... I just ... I was jealous, for the rest of the evening. Having to watch him out there flirting. It's never bothered me before." Namjoon shakes his head. "What does it mean?"
"I can't tell you, Namjoon, only you can. Maybe you need to talk to Yoongi, discuss it with-"
"No, no ... I don't need to." Namjoon shakes his head and clenches his jaw. No, there is nothing there, he doesn't like Yoongi, his best friend, that way, he could never... "It was just the excitement of the evening and then the embarrassment. Yeah, I was jealous he was celebrating with someone else and not me. That's all it was, that's all it is." Namjoon barks out at Hoseok, who takes a step back.
"Okay, okay. I get it," he says, putting his hands up defensively. "Let's get inside and to work. Maybe that will help?"
"Yeah," Namjoon quietly agrees and the two continue on their way, not speaking, parting ways once inside, Hoseok saying he would meet up with Namjoon later for drinks.
Namjoon pauses in front of the studio door. He doesn't know if Yoongi is inside or not and doesn't want to discuss what happened. But part of him still wishes he was that blonde ...
"You have to turn the knob to open the door, Joon-ah. Staring at it won't cause it to automatically open," a deep voice says behind him.
Namjoon jerks his head quickly to look up at Yoongi. Has Yoongi's voice always been this deep? Yoongi stands there, in his ripped jeans and oversized sweater, and Namjoon's heart skips a beat. "Haha. Yeah, right. Ha... Thought maybe I could Jedi mind trick it or something... haha," Namjoon nervously stumbles on his words. Yoongi pushes past him and opens the door, leading the way into the studio. Namjoon follows behind, shutting the door closed. He quickly sits on the couch while Yoongi grabs the old office chair and plops into it.
Stretching, he lets out a long groan, and a smile settles on his face. "Last night was fun, huh?" he asks, looking over at Namjoon. "I had a great night. Where did you go? I was dancing and thought I saw you, then you were gone."
"Yeah, I was tired. I wanted to head home."
"You should have come and grabbed me. I would have left with you," Yoongi says, leaning on his knees, trying to make eye contact with Namjoon.
"You seemed like you were having fun." Namjoon still clearly sees how Yoongi kissed that blonde, grabbed him. "Why ruin your night cuz I was tired. Plus," Namjoon pauses, finally looking up at Yoongi, "you were with a friend."
A blush creeps across Yoongi's face. "Oh. Yeah, okay," he mumbles, breaking eye contact to look down at his hands. "Look Joon-ah," he begins but Namjoon stops him.
"You don't need to say anything, okay? I get it ... I'm... okay with it," he gulps down his words as they sink like a rock to the pit of his stomach. "I just ... It's not a big deal. I mean, it is but it isn't. Unless you want it to be?"
"No," Yoongi says, "I don't."
"Okay, so," Namjoon stands, trying to push down the emotions that keep bubbling up, push down these feelings that he doesn't understand, that he doesn't want to face. Namjoon stands, holds his arms out to Yoongi. "No matter what, right?"
"Huh?" Yoongi looks at Namjoon confused, slowly standing to face him.
"We agreed no matter what, remember. No matter what, hyung, I'll stay by your side. I promised. No matter what."
Yoongi just stares at Namjoon, unsure what just happened. But his best friend is standing there with his arms spread open, accepting him. Yoongi steps into Namjoon's arms, and hugs his waist. Namjoon wraps his arms tightly around his friend.
"No matter what, hyung," he whispers into Yoongi's hair.
©©©§©©©
9 years ago ...
"It makes complete sense, Joon-ah. You are here more often than in your apartment. My couch looks like your body is permanently imprinted in it. You pay rent and I pay rent. If we just combine we could get something that is big enough for both of us, plus maybe turn a room into a studio. Come on," Yoongi pauses to slurp noodles into his mouth, "it just makes sense," he mumbles around the noodles.
Namjoon shakes his head. "I dunno ..."
"You do so!" Hoseok exclaims, pushing Namjoon's shoulder. "You just said the other day how much easier it would be if you had a bed at Yoongi hyung's. Move in together, you'll have your own bed!" Hoseok laughs loudly, clapping his hands.
Namjoon looks back and forth between his two friends and settles on Yoongi. He watches him as he slurps his noodles, smiling at something else Hoseok has said. The past two years have been difficult. He's had to watch Yoongi openly date other people, both men and women. Each time, he has to push those feelings back down, tell himself they mean nothing, it's nothing.
"Why are you staring?" Yoongi asks him, startling Namjoon, "Just say yes. You know you want to," he smiles.
Namjoon returns the smile. More than anything he wants to live with Yoongi, but is he just going to make things more difficult for himself? Namjoon glances over quickly at Hoseok, who nods vigorously at him.
"Okay fine... But I want my own bathroom."
"Done!"
---&---
It takes them a couple of weeks to find the right place, and then a couple more to get everything to make the move happen.
The day of the move happens smoothly and by the end of the day, both men are lying exhausted on their new couch in the living room. The decision was made to purchase new furniture, and both had a say in the choices. Unfortunately, Namjoon's bed had yet to arrive.
"At least the couch is comfortable," he mutters through a yawn.
"What do you mean?" Yoongi asks. Both his arms are thrown over his head, his body stretched out. He glances over at Namjoon.
"My bed never arrived, hyung. I'll sleep on the couch tonight."
"Nah," Yoongi groans and sits up. "You can come sleep with me. The bed is big enough."
Namjoon looks over at Yoongi. "Yeah? Okay. I won't say no to a bed." He laughs. "I'm gonna go hop in the shower then, wash off the sweat." Namjoon smiles down at Yoongi as he stands. "I'll meet you in there in a bit?"
"Uh yeah," Yoongi looks up at Namjoon. "Yeah, I'll meet you in there. I might hop into the shower too, now that you've mentioned it."
Namjoon smiles, nods, and makes his way into his room. Quickly undressing and jumping into the shower, he quickly rinses off the day. As he lathers his hair he stops suddenly. Did he just agree to quickly to sleep with Yoongi? Should he have put up more of a fuss? He was just so tired and a bed sounded good. "Stop overthinking it, Namjoon," he mutters to himself as he bends his head under the water to rinse off the soap.
Jumping out of the shower, he quickly dries off and grabs a pair of shorts. Pulling a shirt over his head, he pads his way down to Yoongi's room and knocks on the door. "Hyung? Can I come in?" he asks through the door.
"Yup," Yoongi mumbles in response and Namjoon pushes open the door. Yoongi is standing with his back to the door, rubbing a towel through his hair. Namjoon can't help but stare. For as long as he's known Yoongi, he doesn't think he's seen him without a shirt on before. Namjoon's mouth dries and he tries to swallow. Yoongi is pale, delicately so. And as he dries his hair, Namjoon can see the muscles move in his back. Namjoon's eyes slowly move down his back to his slim waist and he can't help but lick his lips at the way his sleep pants are hugging his hips, sitting low. Namjoon is sure, and knows that if Yoongi were to turn around right now, he would see how low they were sitting. His mind starts to unravel at the thought of Yoongi's stomach, and how he always complained about the little tummy he had. Namjoon all of a sudden wants to run his lips across that tummy. Run his lips lower ...
"Joon-ah? Are you okay?" Yoongi's voice breaks him out of his spell as he realizes Yoongi is staring at him over his shoulder.
"Sorry? What?" he asks.
"You made a weird sound. You okay?"
Namjoon can feel the blush spread across his cheeks. Yoongi looks at Namjoon with a slight tilt in his head and then glances briefly downwards. Namjoon feels the slight hardness between his legs before Yoongi's eyes reach his crotch. Namjoon quickly covers himself with his hands and moves towards the bed. "I'm fine. Ah ... Which side, hyung? Or does it matter?" he looks back at Yoongi.
Yoongi turns to Namjoon, holding his towel in front of his body. "It doesn't matter. Are you sure you are okay?" he asks again.
"Yeah, yeah ... Just tired. I'm just gonna get in bed," Namjoon says as he climbs into the bed. He curls onto his side, willing the half-chub to go down. He tries to think of anything else besides Yoongi, which only makes him think of Yoongi more. "Argh," he mumbles to himself as he squeezes his thighs together.
"Namjoon? Are you alright?" Yoongi asks again, walking towards the bed. He stares at Namjoon's back. When he gets no response, he leans over and pushes him.
"Fuck, hyung! What was that for?" Namjoon hollers rolling over to face Yoongi.
"You didn't answer me. Are you okay?" he asks again, concern creasing his brows. He reaches out again, but Namjoon flinches back.
"Yeah, yes. Yes, I'm fine," he says. "I'm just tired. Just tired, hyung. Sorry," he apologizes, smiling weakly.
"Okay, get some sleep. I'll just quickly finish up and then come back," Yoongi tells Namjoon. Namjoon nods in response and squeezes his eyes shut. Yoongi looks down at Namjoon, then down his body. His eyes don't miss how Namjoon has tightly curled in on himself. He shakes his head slightly as he turns to walk back towards the bathroom.
---&---
The hours have ticked by and Yoongi can barely sleep. Namjoon is snoring soundly beside him. The noise doesn't bother him, it's Namjoon's presence. Why he offered up his bed, Yoongi doesn't know what came over him. Having Namjoon this close ... Yoongi sighs and rolls over, facing away from the sleeping form beside him.
Yoongi sighs heavily again and settles back into the bed. Namjoon groans behind him in his sleep and the noise immediately goes to Yoongi's dick. Watching Namjoon earlier this evening trying to hide himself was hot. Yoongi chuckles to himself. Such a ridiculous predicament he's got himself in.
Namjoon rolls over in his sleep. He mumbles something Yoongi can't hear, so he shuffles slowly backward towards him. Suddenly, Namjoon's arms circle his waist and pull him against his chest. Yoongi holds his breath as Namjoon nuzzles into him and cuddles against Yoongi's body. His body fits against Yoongi's like a glove, fitting perfectly against him. Yoongi slowly exhales and relaxes his body.
"Hyung... hyung," Namjoon mumbles against Yoongi's hair. His grip tightens around Yoongi's waist and Yoongi grabs his arms.
"Joon-ah ... What is it?" he whispers.
"Mmmmm... smell good. Like vanilla and oranges," Namjoon mumbles as he rubs his nose through Yoongi's hair. "Always smell so good... Drives me crazy sometimes," he sighs moving his arm up higher, to rest along Yoongi's chest, his other arm firmly holding Yoongi against him.
"Joon-ah ... Namjoon, are you awake?" Yoongi asks, gently rubbing his arms. He can feel Namjoon pressing against him, into his ass. He can feel him growing hard. "Joon-ah ..." he moans, he can't help it as he subtly shifts his hips and Namjoon fits perfectly. His growing hardness fits perfectly between his ass cheeks.
Namjoon doesn't respond. He only pulls Yoongi tighter and gently grinds against him. A low moan escapes his lips as he leans his head down to brush his lips against Yoongi's bare shoulder. "Yoongi ..." he moans breathlessly as his lips travel up his neck, his hips grinding into Yoongi's ass.
"Joon-ah, please," Yoongi reaches up to run his hand through Namjoon's hair, to pull him into a kiss. As soon as their lips touch, something awakens in Namjoon. His mouth greedily kisses Yoongi, and his hand moves to Yoongi's throat, holding him there. Yoongi moans low in his throat and tries to turn his body towards Namjoon, but Namjoon stills him, once again tightening his hold around his waist. He stills him with a firm grind into his ass and Yoongi shivers.
"Touch me," he moans into Namjoon's mouth breaking their kiss, "touch me, Joon-ah, please," he begs, and grabs Namjoon's hand and guides it down between his legs. Namjoon groans as his hand covers Yoongi's hardness. He rests his forehead on the nape of Yoongi's neck and tentatively squeezes him through his sleep pants. Yoongi moans in response, "Yes, yes," he pants, "Touch me, Joon-ah." Namjoon squeezes and rubs Yoongi through his pants, pulling short gasps from Yoongi.
Namjoon grinds into Yoongi from behind, his hips moving faster. "Yoongi-yah ..." he moans into Yoongi's ear before latching his lips onto the lobe. "Hyung ... oh god ..." he moans as he rotates his hips against Yoongi, trying to seek the friction he needs.
"Harder, Joon-ah," he pants, "I want you to touch me harder. Touch me," Yoongi begs. He tries to shimmy his pants down so that Namjoon can touch him, he wants to feel Namjoon's hand on his dick. "Pull my pants down, touch me, touch me," he begs. Namjoon fumbles with Yoongi's pants as he tries to pull them down. Yoongi feels him pull away, misses the feeling of him pressing against him until he feels Namjoon's hot skin against his ass.
Namjoon shoves his hand in front of Yoongi's face. "Lick," he commands, and Yoongi complies, shivering as he drags his tongue up and down Namjoon's palm. "More," he demands, and Yoongi spits on Namjoon's hand and he pulls his hand away. Yoongi thinks Namjoon is going to touch him, but instead, his hand disappears behind him. The next thing Yoongi feels is Namjoon's dick, slick with his spit pressed in between his ass cheeks. Namjoon moans as he presses his dick in and rubs gently. "S'okay? This okay, hyung?" he asks through gritted teeth. "Feels so good ... please tell me it's okay," he pleads.
Yoongi reaches behind and grabs Namjoon and presses his ass against him. "Yes, god yes," he groans, "fuck my ass cheeks, Joon-ah. Fuck me." Namjoon slides his dick between Yoongi's cheeks again, and again, Yoongi moaning loudly at the feeling. No one has ever done this to him before and he knows this is all due to Namjoon's inexperience, but he doesn't care. It feels good to have his dick rubbing against him, rubbing against his hole. Namjoon probably has no idea what he is doing. "Does it feel good, Joon-ah?" he asks. Namjoon grunts in response and Yoongi feels him press his lips on his shoulders, neck, and jaw.
Yoongi shifts slightly against Namjoon and his dick slides between his thighs. "Fuck my thighs, Joon-ah," he orders, "fuck me." Namjoon pulls Yoongi right against him and slowly starts moving his hips, pulling his dick in and out. Yoongi moans and grabs at his dick and slowly begins pumping it, mimicking the motion of Namjoon's hips. As Namjoon picks up speed, his dick runs against Yoongi's balls and Yoongi thinks he's going to explode. "Joon-ah," he moans unable to contain himself. Namjoon starts fucking him faster and Yoongi can't control the noises he begins to make. Every hip thrust causes him to whimper and his fist squeezes almost painfully on his dick. "Come for me, Joon-ah, come all over me," he begs. Namjoon groans loudly behind him as he buries his head in Yoongi's back.
"Hyung, what are you doing to me," he whispers as his hips madly thrust, his dick sliding in and out between Yoongi's thighs. Yoongi squeezes his thighs tightly and Namjoon almost roars behind him, unable to control himself as his orgasm erupts, surprising both of them. White ropes of cum cover Yoongi's thighs as Namjoon slows his hip thrusts down and stills himself, staying buried between Yoongi's thighs. He presses kisses along Yoongi's shoulders and shoulder blades and rests his forehead against him. Panting, Namjoon orders Yoongi to cum. "Cum, hyung. Show me."
Yoongi mewls in response as his fist pumps on his dick, chasing his orgasm. He pants, tongue poking out of his mouth, his mind not on himself, but on the fact that Namjoon has just cum all over him. That alone should be enough. It has been enough fantasy fodder in the past, but having it in the real thing is almost too much for Yoongi. He feels Namjoon shift behind him and feels his hand push away at him. He drops his hand and Namjoon fists his dick. Pumps it once, twice, and Yoongi's back is arching in a mind-blowing orgasm. One he's wanted ever since laying eyes on Namjoon. He moans Namjoon's name loudly as cum sprays out of his dick, covering Namjoon's hand and the bed.
Both lay there quietly, each taking deep breaths to slow their racing hearts. Namjoon doesn't make any effort to move away from Yoongi. Doesn't try to move his slowly softening dick from between his thighs or his hand from around Yoongi's dick. Yoongi can feel Namjoon slowly roll his forehead back and forth between his shoulders. "Namjoon," he begins, "are you okay?" he stutters out, not sure what else to say.
"I'm sorry, hyung," he mutters, "I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me." Namjoon presses his cheek against Yoongi's back. Finally releasing Yoongi's dick, he goes to pull away, but Yoongi stops him, instead, he pulls Namjoon's arm back up around him, to hug him.
"Nothing to be sorry for, Namjoon-ah ... I wanted it ... too," he wishes he could add so much, but doesn't think Namjoon can handle it at the moment. "Don't say you're sorry, please don't. Don't ruin it, please," he begs, squeezing Namjoon tightly. Yoongi knows that Namjoon is confused about his feelings and his identity. He doesn't want to push it. But he would happily have Namjoon instead of filling that six-foot hole in his life with other people.
Yoongi feels wetness spreading on his back. "Don't cry, Joon-ah, please. Fuck ..." Yoongi doesn't know what to say. What is he supposed to say? He squeezes Namjoon tighter again and says the only thing that comes to mind, the only thing that he thinks will console Namjoon at this time. "We can forget this happened, or chalk it up to moving in excitement, or," he feels Namjoon nodding his head behind him. It breaks his heart to agree, but he unwillingly does. "Okay then. I'm just gonna grab us some wet towels to clean up with. Stay here," he says as he slides away from Namjoon. He feels his dick slip out from between his thighs and his breath catches a little. It had just felt so right...
"Hyung," Namjoon chokes out, "No matter what, right?" he asks before burying his face in the pillow. Yoongi looks back at Namjoon.
"Always."
©©©§©©©
7 years ago ...
Namjoon sat at the table - the whiskey bottle half full, his glass empty. He poured himself another healthy shot and chugged it down. Running his hands over his face he rested his elbows on the table, his face in his palms. What was he gonna do now?
While he wasn't the oldest son, with his father now passing away, he felt the responsibility of looking after his mother falling squarely on his shoulders. Jin was always busy filming and Taehyung, well Taehyung has been pretty useless lately. Ever since he came out, he's done nothing but party. Namjoon is surprised he finished school. He doesn't understand how or why his father was so lenient with him. And then leaving everything to Tae, everything to him.
Namjoon drowns the remaining liquid in his glass and pours another. He looks around the apartment he shares with Yoongi and scoffs. He really should move on, and get a place of his own so he doesn't have to constantly be reminded. Reminded of that first night they stayed in the apartment and that he stupidly agreed to forget it happened.
"Fuck," he yells, pounding on the table and pounding back his drink. For the past two years, he has had to endure watching Yoongi bring home dates, listen to them fuck. Meet strangers in the hallway in the morning as they leave. Half the time Yoongi didn't even have the balls to walk his "guests" out in the morning, just sending them on their way. The days that he does, it feels like he makes this big display of it, walking then to the door, kissing them goodbye, groping their ass. All the while keeping his eyes locked on Namjoon's, making sure that he's watching.
Namjoon pours another drink and lays his forehead on the table. Tears start to form in his eyes. The past two years have been great professionally, the successes they have achieved have been phenomenal, but they are like two different people. Sometimes he can't stand to be around Yoongi anymore, can't stand him slutting himself out. The tears start to fall and Namjoon cries. His father is gone and so is his friendship. "I can't do this anymore," he sobs through the tears. "I wanna go back," he cries, throwing his arms onto the table so he can bury his face in them.
"Namjoon?" a voice asks.
Namjoon immediately stills, trying to stop the sobs. "Go away," he mutters, hiccuping.
"Joon-ah ... It's okay to cry ... Your father ... It's okay," Yoongi says, not knowing really what to say.
Namjoon bolts upright staring at Yoongi. "What the fuck do you know?!?" he demands. "I don't need your 'help', Yoongi."
"Joon-ah," Yoongi coos, moving towards Namjoon. He reaches out and tries to rub his back.
"Don't fucking touch me. You don't get to touch me all of a sudden, after all this time. You ... You ... You just don't get to swoop in here and try to make everything better," Namjoon cries, dropping his head back into his arms.
Yoongi kneels beside him and attempts to touch him again. When Namjoon doesn't flinch or move away, Yoongi rubs his back and makes comforting noises.
"Stop, just stop ... Stop, please," Namjoon begs. "I can't right now. Just leave me alone, hyung, get the fuck away from me. I just..." Namjoon can't finish his sentence when he turns his head and looks at Yoongi, kneeling there. All he wants to do at that moment is kiss him and get comforted by him. "No," he says out loud.
"No what?" Yoongi asks, not understanding.
"Just go, Yoongi. Just go," Namjoon replies. "I don't fucking want you." Namjoon looks at Yoongi's lips and unconsciously licks his own. "I don't fucking want you," he says again.
"Okay, Joon-ah, okay," Yoongi says standing up and taking a step back. Namjoon doesn't look up at him, just continues to look down at where he was. "I'll leave you alone. But I'm here if you need me," he says, slowly turning and walking away.
"I don't want you," Namjoon mutters turning back to stare straight ahead. "I don't fucking want you," he repeats to himself. Namjoon grabs his whiskey once again, looking into the amber liquid, and takes another sip. The liquid no longer burns as he swallows it down, but the tears that begin again do. "I fucking want you so bad," he whispers as he drops his head once again on his arms, allowing the tears to fall freely, allowing the sobs to shake his shoulders. Namjoon cries for the father he has lost and cries for the love he denied himself for so long. "I want you so bad," he whispers again.
---&---
Namjoon wakes up several hours later, bolting upright suddenly. He looks around himself unsteadily and at the empty bottle in front of him on the table. He doesn't remember finishing the bottle, he's lucky he's not lying in a pool of his own vomit at this point. He tries to stand from the table unsuccessfully and ends up falling onto the floor.
"Yoongi," he moans, looking down the hallway towards the older man's bedroom. "Yoongi-yah," he groans as he rolls over onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. Namjoon groans as he rubs his face and tilts his head back to look at Yoongi's closed door. "You've got me all upside down," he mutters to himself as he rolls back over, pulling himself onto all fours. "Upside down, inside out ... I don't know if I'm coming or going," he exhales loudly as he hangs his head between his shoulders. "Yoongi," he calls out, barely above a whisper. He looks back up at the closed bedroom door and crawls towards it a couple of paces before stopping, calling out Yoongi's name again, this time a bit louder.
When he receives no response, he continues to crawl towards the other man's bedroom door, finally arriving there. He stops and turns to rest against it, letting his head bounce gently on the wood. "Yoongi," he calls out again, not much louder than the first, definitely not loud enough to wake a sleeping man. "Hyung," Namjoon whispers to himself, pulling up his knees to rest his arms on them and dangle his hands between them. "Hyung," he repeats, "I fucking love you. I know I do," he sighs as he bangs his head against the door. "But you don't love me, hyung, you don't," Namjoon bangs his head on the door, "love," bang, "me," bang. With the last bang, Namjoon drops his head and sniffles back the tears he feels forming.
Namjoon sits against Yoongi's door for several minutes before he pulls himself up into a standing position. "Fuck it," he says, "fuck you," he says louder, pointing at the door. "Why did you have to be this way? Huh? Why did you have to kiss me all those years ago and then act like it was nothing," Namjoon asks the closed door, pointing at it accusingly. "You wrecked me, wrecked me, forever," he yells, slamming his palm against the door. "No one was ever like you, hyung, how could they be?" he asks the door, running his palm down the door. "No one kissed me like you, no one touched me like you ... You ruined me," he hisses at the door, smacking it with his palm. "You ruined me!" he cries loudly, smacking the door again. "HYUNG!" he yells, "YOONGI!" Namjoon pounds the door with his fist. "YOONGI-YAH!!" he groans, pounding the door. "You ruined me, you fucker, you ruined me," he cries, pounding again and again on the door. "HYUNG! Are you in there? Please? Fuck ..." Namjoon stops to lean against the door pressing his cheek against the cool wood. "Hyung, god ... Oh god ... I want you so bad, please ..." Namjoon rolls his forehead along the door and rests his hands on the door frame. He gently pounds his head against the door. "I'm ruined ... what do I do?" he asks the door.
"Stop, Joon-ah," Yoongi's voice comes through the door. "I'm going to open the door, okay?"
Namjoon sobs in response, "Hyung," he cries, "please, I beg you, please ..." Namjoon's words trail off as Yoongi slowly opens the door.
He stands there, disheveled from sleep, wearing only a pair of shorts. With one hand on the door and the other on the door frame, he looks over Namjoon. "Joon-ah, what is going on?" he asks. He makes no motion toward Namjoon and just stands still.
"Oh god," Namjoon cries, "you are here." Namjoon smiles in relief. "You are here," he repeats.
"Where else would I be? It's my bedroom? Which is where you need to go, Namjoon. You need to go to bed and sleep this off."
"No," Namjoon says stumbling forward slightly. Yoongi takes a step back, placing his hand out in front of him.
"You need to go to bed."
"Come with me? Sleep with me tonight, hyung, please?" Namjoon asks. He looks down at Yoongi's body and then slowly back up, locking eyes with him. "Hyung, sleep with me."
"You aren't right in your mind, Joon-ah. I'm not doing this again. I can't handle it, you can't ... We just can't okay. Go, go to your room," Yoongi orders, pointing down the hall.
Namjoon whines. "I just wanna be with you, that's all," he pouts, pawing at Yoongi. Yoongi takes another step back away from him.
"I can't like this ... Joon ... No, not now," he sighs and pushes at Namjoon's arms. "Go, I'll get you into bed and that's it. We can talk in the morning, but you are sleeping alone tonight."
Namjoon giggles as he allows Yoongi to push him down the hall toward his room. "Alone tonight?" he giggles. "Tomorrow night then, hyungie?"
Yoongi shakes his head and humphs at Namjoon. "No, Joon-ah, at the rate you are going, never, okay. Just get into your fucking room," he shoves Namjoon through the open door and Namjoon stumbles forward, falling onto his bed.
"Undress me, hyungie, I can't sleep in my clothes," he smiles, motioning suggestively with his finger.
Yoongi smirks at Namjoon and shakes his head again. Resting a knee on the bed, he leans over Namjoon, causing him to fall backward. "If only," he pauses to look down Namjoon's body and stops at his crotch. He grabs the waistband of Namjoon's pants and gives it a quick tug. "Undress yourself. I'm going back to bed."
"Hyyuunnggg," Namjoon groans as Yoongi moves to leave the room, "you are no fun."
Yoongi turns to look back at Namjoon. "You are running hot and cold, tonight, Namjoon. One minute you are pissed at me, the next you are pawing at me like a playful puppy. You're fucking drunk. This isn't happening. Go to sleep," he orders. He takes one last look at Namjoon, who is lying there, legs spread and already looking fucked out. Yoongi grits his teeth and turns away, heading back to his own room.
©©©§©©©
5 years ago ...
Namjoon rolls over onto his back and squints up at his bedroom ceiling. Somehow he made it to bed last night but has no recollection of how. It's become a habit, drinking himself to sleep most nights. He knows this isn't sustainable, he knows something has to give.
He came home last night to shoes that didn't belong to him; came home to moans and groans that weren't his. As he sat in the living room trying to ignore the fact that Yoongi had a visitor, Namjoon cracked open a beer, and then another, and maybe another. By the time Yoongi came stumbling out of his room an hour later for some water, Namjoon was five beers in and starting on his sixth.
"Oh shit, you scared me!" Yoongi exclaimed as Namjoon popped open the beer. "I didn't know you were home."
"No, no, I think you were preoccupied," Namjoon answers, sipping his beer. He continues to look straight ahead, ignoring Yoongi. He knows if he looks back at him, he won't be able to handle it.
"I thought we kinda talked about this," Yoongi says, "your drinking? You were gonna slow down?" Namjoon can hear Yoongi move towards him.
"Yeah, we talked about it, but," Namjoon takes a long swig of his beer, "I'm feeling like forgetting. Enough will hopefully make me forget."
"Forget? Forget what?" Yoongi asks.
"You," Namjoon says, standing and facing his friend. He finishes the rest of his beer and drops the can on the table beside the couch. "Just maybe one night, enough of these will make me forget you," he says as he walks past Yoongi down towards his room.
"Joon-ah," Yoongi sighs running a hand through his hair, "you need to stop this, please. I don't know what you want. What do you want me to do?"
Namjoon pauses. His mind is only slightly cloudy. Six beers aren't really enough to make him black-out drunk, but it's boosting his confidence enough tonight.
"Love me back or maybe just let me go. I can't do this anymore, Yoongi. I can't." Namjoon leans on the nearest wall and rests his head back, trying not to cry. He blinks several times, trying to clear the tears from his eyes. He finally turns his head to look at Yoongi. "Look, I'm sorry, you have someone waiting for you. I'm tired, tired of this game. I need to leave. I'll find somewhere else."
"Namjoon, you are talking nonsense, you don't need to leave. We ... we need to talk, but not like this, with you drunk and me," Yoongi gestures to his body, "like this. Go to bed and we will talk in the morning."
"Hyung, you always say that, but we never do. I'm too embarrassed or you're not here when I wake up. I'm just, it's just," Namjoon pauses, taking a deep breath to steady himself, "I think it would be better if we just parted ways."
"Part ways? Namjoon, we are partners, we practically run a business together. Why would we part ways?" Yoongi asks, confused.
"Hyung, please, don't do this to me. Don't." Namjoon pushes himself away from the wall and away from Yoongi.
---&---
Yoongi is nowhere to be seen as he makes his way out of his bedroom in the morning. Checking down the hall, he sees his door open, so he knows he's not home. Just like he mentioned last night, Yoongi has left. How are they to resolve anything if neither of them wanna face it.
Namjoon grabs his phone and pulls up Hoseok's contact info.
NAMJOON:
Hoseok, are you home tonight?
HOSEOK:
im home now, joonie. wats up? I don't have plans later. wanna go eat?
NAMJOON:
Can I come crash on your spare bed?
HOSEOK:
always :) yoongi hyung have a date tonight? lol
NAMJOON:
Something like that.
I'll come over after work. That good?
HOSEOK:
okie! i'll see you when you get here
Namjoon spent the day locked up in his studio. No one bothered him all day. He saw emails come in from Yoongi but ignored them. Just before he decided to leave, he saw the in-office messaging system popup with a message from Yoongi.
MINYOONGI: you haven't responded to my emails. i know you are here. look at the files and export them.
Namjoon scoffed. Shaking his head, he ignores the message and shuts his system down. "Deal with your own shit," he mutters to himself as he orders a car to take him to Hoseok's.
The car pulls up outside of Hoseok's apartment shortly after. Namjoon grabs his bag and makes his way inside, to buzz at Hoseok's door.
"Joonie!" Hoseok squeals as he opens the door, throwing his arms around his friend in a tight hug. "Come in, come in!" he smiles, ushering Namjoon inside.
Namjoon toes off his shoes and drops his bag on the ground. He follows Hoseok into his kitchen and takes a seat at the round table.
"Want a drink?" Hoseok asks.
"No, I think I've had enough," Namjoon replies, folding his hands together on the tabletop. "Help me apartment hunt, Hoseok?" he asks, staring at his hands.
"Apartment hunt? Why would you need to do that?" Hoseok asks, sitting across from Namjoon at the table. "You and Yoongi hyung looking for a new place?"
"No, just me. I think it's time."
"Oh ... Joonie, are you sure? What did Yoongi hyung say?" Hoseok asks, concern filling his face.
"Nothing, he said nothing. I just think it's time."
"No ... Something happened. Let me call-"
"Don't fucking call, okay" Namjoon stops Hoseok. He takes a deep breath and looks up at his friend. "I just can't anymore. I feel like he's known, known longer than I have how I feel, and yet he still does all this ... does this shit."
"What did you expect him to do, Joonie? You've got this ... this ... barrier up. No matter how you feel about him, or even more, how he feels about you, you need to drop your walls and let it happen. All the time. Accept it." Hoseok gets up from his seat and moves to sit closer to Namjoon. "Do you love him?"
Namjoon looks away. He can't look at his friend, admit it. "What does it matter? Even if I did, he doesn't feel the same. He's not shy about getting what he wants, if he wanted me that badly, he would have made some effort."
"Really Joonie? Really? Is that what you are gonna say? The man made the first move, invited you to live with him ... Treats you like a king most of the time. I dunno what else he'd need to do."
Namjoon exhales loudly as he stands. "Say it. You know ... I've said a lot to him when I've drank. I don't remember a lot, but I always remember telling him how I feel. And yeah, I need liquid courage, and yeah, I'm fucking confused, but he's not. He never turns around to reassure me or turn me down." Namjoon reaches out and squeezes Hoseok's shoulder. "Thanks for letting me stay. I'll try to find something fast and be outta here as soon as possible."
"No, you can stay here as long as you need. There's no rush, Joonie."
Namjoon smiles weakly at his friend and squeezes his shoulder again in a gesture of thanks. "G'night Hoseok. I'll see you in the morning."
"Night, Joonie."
---&---
Namjoon wakes to hushed voices outside the bedroom door. He rolls over and checks the clock on the bedside table to see that it was almost nine in the morning. Groaning, he huddles back down under the blanket.
A soft knock sounds on the door.
"Go away," he mumbles.
"Joon-ah, it's me. Can I come in?"
Namjoon rolls over again to lay flat on his back. Exhaling loudly, he pulls himself up into a sitting position. "Yeah, sure ... why not."
Yoongi slowly opens the door and peeks his head in. He smiles slightly at Namjoon as he steps halfway through the door. "Can we talk? I think maybe we need to talk."
"Today? You wanna talk today?" Namjoon responds. "Not yesterday morning, when it would have made more sense, but today, after I've left. This is when you've finally decided 'we should talk'," Namjoon sneers. "No, I don't think we need to talk. Your actions are pretty clear. I get it."
Yoongi steps further into the room. "Joon-ah ... I, uh, I'm sorry. I know I said we would talk and then wasn't there. I ... I didn't know what to say, honestly," Yoongi admits.
"You didn't know what to say? Yeah, so this is the issue. I know what I want to say, but I'm tired of saying it." Namjoon pulls his knees up and wraps his arms around them. "I think we need time apart."
Yoongi leans against the wall. Namjoon looks at him and waits for him to say something, anything. They stare at each other, eyes locked, not saying anything. "For how long?" Yoongi asks quietly.
Namjoon tilts his head slightly. "As long as I need."
"As long as you need? What does that mean?"
"Yoongi ... I'm making it easy for you. We only have to see each other in the office or as required. Hoseok is letting me stay here-"
"Wait," Yoongi interrupts, "why do you need to stay here? We share an apartment. I'm not asking you to leave."
Namjoon drops his legs back on the bed. "I'm choosing to."
---&---
Yoongi knocks on Namjoon's studio door. He's barely seen him in the past six months since he decided he needed time apart. Namjoon needed time apart, and Yoongi didn't need time apart. But as out and confident as Yoongi is, Namjoon makes him feel different. Yoongi has always felt different from Namjoon and wanted to do whatever made Namjoon comfortable, even if that meant stepping back and stepping away. He didn't want to. He wanted to tell Namjoon how he felt. He's too afraid of losing him.
Yoongi missed Namjoon. Strangely, as much as he said he wanted to move out, he hasn't. He doesn't spend nights there, or at least Yoongi doesn't think he does, but Yoongi knows he still comes and goes. Sometimes it's little things like a dish left in the kitchen sink or his door left open when it was previously closed.
Yoongi knocks on the door again, looking down at his watch. He figured Namjoon would still be here, it was still early. He has only communicated electronically with Namjoon over these past couple of months - texts, emails. He's feeling nervous as he waits for Namjoon to open the door.
He's about to turn away when the door pops open. "Yoongi? Everything okay?" Namjoon questions, raising an eyebrow. Yoongi can see the tension in his jaw and how the muscles twitch just slightly.
"Yeah, just wanted to talk to you quickly. Mind if I come in?"
"Oh yeah, sure." Namjoon steps out of the way so Yoongi can come inside the studio. Yoongi glances quickly around and notices how Namjoon has upgraded everything. The only thing that has remained the same is the old leather sofa shoved in the corner. Namjoon hovers in front of his computer setup, looking at Yoongi.
"So, I'm gonna be away in Tokyo for a couple of days at a showcase. I dunno if Hajoon mentioned it?" Yoongi asks.
"No, no one has mentioned it. But why? What does it matter?" Namjoon questions, confused at why Yoongi is mentioning it to him.
Yoongi shifts his weight nervously. "Well, I won't be home. You can, you know, stay at the apartment if you want, instead of Hoseok's. I'm sure you'd like some time alone, Hoseok probably too. This would give you the-"
"Are you insinuating that Hoseok and I aren't getting along? We're fine. But thank you. I'll keep that in mind." Namjoon turns away from Yoongi and back to his computer. Yoongi stands there staring at his back. He feels like there is more to say, but can't think to come up with the words. He's taken aback by how Namjoon looks, how his body has changed in the last 6 months. He's bigger somehow. Taller, fuller, Yoongi can't help but stare at him. "Do you need something else?" he suddenly asks, startling Yoongi, catching him staring at him.
"No, ah ... no," Yoongi mumbles as he backs out of the studio. Namjoon smirks at him as he shuts the door.
Yoongi pushes open the apartment door a couple of days later. He didn't expect to come home early, but the showcase was a flop and a waste of time. Kicking off his shoes, he noticed a pair of Namjoon's lined up against the wall. Looking up quickly, he didn't seem to be in the living room or kitchen, so he must be in his bedroom. Yoongi tries to quickly and quietly make his way down the hall when the first moan hits him.
It's definitely Namjoon, he will never forget the way Namjoon sounded that night they were together. As Yoongi creeps closer to Namjoon's room, he sees that the bedroom door is open, open almost all the way. From his viewpoint in the hallway, he can see Namjoon reflected in the mirror on his wall, lying on his bed, eyes closed, slowly fisting his hard cock. Yoongi stops, unable to tear himself away, watching as Namjoon's fist moves slowly up and down, how his thumb caresses the tip, and how the action pulls a low moan from his lips. The sound immediately travels to Yoongi's gut and he feels himself harden. He knows he should move on, that he shouldn't be standing here watching his friend like this, but he can't look away.
Namjoon groans, biting his lower lip, and tugs harder on himself. He begins to make soft panting sounds as he brings himself closer and closer to his climax. Yoongi, unable to help himself, leans against the door frame and palms himself through his pants. He knows he should turn away, but he can't, he can't look away. Namjoon moans, breathlessly, and turns his head towards the mirror. Yoongi watches as Namjoon's thumb rubs along the head of his hard cock, smearing the pearly white beads of pre-cum that leak out. Namjoon licks his full lips and mumbles something, something Yoongi can't quite hear. Namjoon groans loudly and Yoongi watches as his fist squeezes his cock quickly and firmly from base to tip. Watching Namjoon is driving Yoongi mad with want. He wants nothing more than to push his way onto the bed and choke on his cock, have Namjoon fuck him ... Namjoon moans again, and Yoongi swears he hears his name. He looks back up to Namjoon's face and sees him staring at him.
"Yoongi," he groans, maintaining eye contact through the mirror. "Yoongi," he pants, biting on his lower lip as he moves his fist faster.
Embarrassed at being caught, Yoongi goes to step back out of the doorway. "No! Watch!" Namjoon's voice cries out, heavy with lust. "Please Yoongi," he begs, "watch me." Yoongi can do nothing else but obey, fully entranced by the man on the bed in the mirror.
No longer worried about hiding the fact he is watching, Yoongi pushes open the door fully and walks to the end of Namjoon's bed.
"Fuck Joon-ah," he rubs himself through his pants, his cock hard and straining against the tight material.
"Hyung," Namjoon moans, tossing his head back. Yoongi can see how his stomach muscles tense, his back arching slightly, "watch me," he groans, low and deep.
Yoongi needs more and pops open the buttons on his pants, needing his own release, and feeling the overwhelming need to touch himself. As his hand touches his warm skin, Namjoon growls at him, "Watch me ... watch," he demands.
"I'm watching, baby," Yoongi replies, pushing his pants down to free himself. He kneels on the edge of the bed and Namjoon looks up.
"Oh fuck, yes," he moans, licking his lips as he watches Yoongi stroke himself. "I wanna ... ah, ah," he pants, unable to finish his sentence as his climax finally hits. Groaning loudly and squeezing his eyes shut, Namjoon cums, streaking his belly and chest with white. Yoongi falls forward onto the bed and crawls towards Namjoon.
"Joon-ah, please, can I?" he asks, his mouth hovering above Namjoon's, "please let me kiss you again." Namjoon doesn't answer but leans up and presses his lips against Yoongi's. Yoongi sighs into the kiss. Yoongi reaches out, tentatively with his hand for Namjoon's, "I want you to touch me," he mumbles as he sucks Namjoon's plush lower lip into his mouth. Namjoon shakes his head, breaking the kiss.
"Hyung, why? You know how badly I want you? How badly I still want you? I can't go back to the way it was before. If in the morning, you ignore me, I can't." Tears form in Namjoon's eyes. Yoongi can't bear to see him like this, he kisses Namjoon again and pulls away, sitting up but looking down at him.
"Namjoon-ah ... I, I, ... Oh god ..." he cries and tumbles away from Namjoon. He quickly shoves himself back into his pants and he looks quickly back at Namjoon before bolting out the door and down the hallway to his own room. Crying, he throws himself onto his bed. Why can he just admit it to Namjoon? Why can't he tell him he loves him?
Yoongi wakes in the morning and of course, Namjoon is gone.
©©©§©©©
Present day ...
Namjoon slumps in the back of the car as it makes its way to his apartment. It's been five years since he's had any close physical contact with Yoongi, and people still assume. Taehyung's boy toy thought he was putting him in his place, assuming he and Yoongi were in some kind of relationship. Namjoon scoffs. He literally hadn't seen the man in person in almost 4 months, and even then it was only because they both had to be in a meeting. Otherwise, they have somehow managed to keep their business partnership alive, while their personal one dwindled to nothing.
Yoongi still lived in their old apartment. Namjoon officially moved out shortly after Yoongi refused to say anything that night.
The past five years have been torture for Namjoon. He's watched Yoongi flourish as an artist, venturing out more on his own, not relying on Namjoon's guidance or help. It's not that Namjoon hasn't had some small successes on his own with other artists, or by himself, but work with Yoongi wasn't the same.
Namjoon had to also watch, especially after that night, Yoongi began to openly date men more, not hiding his preference. And while Namjoon was slowly coming to terms with the fact that he did prefer men, he wasn't out there like Yoongi or Taehyung. Only Hoseok and Seokjin knew, and both kept it secret, and only Hoseok knew of the hook-ups that Namjoon would attempt, oftentimes chickening out, or crying on his shoulder afterward because the guy wasn't Yoongi. After every time, Hoseok begged him to talk with Yoongi, but Namjoon refused. It was a lost cause at that point, too much time had passed.
As Namjoon sat in the back of the car, he still felt seen by Taehyung's friend. He saw right through him, right into his insecurity about his sexuality and threw it in his face. Calling him out on it. Seokjin sat there watching knowing his struggles. Their mother, happily said she didn't care. Namjoon realized in one evening, one forced family meal, that he could no longer live like this. He was unhappy. So unhappy living how he was, and not living how he wanted to, with who he wanted.
Namjoon makes a decision and directs the driver to a new address. As the car pulls up, he looks up at the building and hopes he's making the right decision, finally.
He pushes open the door, not knocking, he still has a key. Even if Yoongi is otherwise engaged, Namjoon will wait. He has too.
He kicks off his shoes and pads towards the kitchen. "Yoongi?" he calls out softly.
"Namjoon?" Yoongi's confused voice replies. He slowly comes into view as he pops his head around the corner of the kitchen wall. "What are you doing here?" he asks.
"I need to talk to you, hyung. Are you busy?" Namjoon quickly looks around. It seems like Yoongi is alone, but he can't be sure. "I'm sorry for just barging in like this, not letting you know, or giving you any warning."
"No, no," Yoongi says, motioning Namjoon to follow him further into the kitchen. "I just finished eating, but there is enough here if you want. I can fix you up something?" he asks. Yoongi looks nervously at Namjoon.
Namjoon tries to smile at Yoongi. "Ah, no thanks, hyung. I was just at my mother's. I've come right from there."
Yoongi furrows his brow in concern. "Is she okay? Jin hyung? Taehyung?"
"Yes, they are good. Um, Taehyung's really good, it seems, brought a date. My mother loved him," Namjoon says looking up at Yoongi.
"More than me?" Yoongi jokes, smiling weakly.
"No," Namjoon sighs, "never more than you." Namjoon weakly smiles back. "That's why I'm here, hyung, I need to talk to you. I realize that I should have probably done this years and years ago, but I hope a part of you understands. Understands that I couldn't then. But I can now." Namjoon pauses and waits for a response from Yoongi. Yoongi looks a little surprised but motions for Namjoon to sit. They both sit across from each other and stare.
Yoongi tilts his head and smiles. "You can tell me anything, Joon-ah. You always could and always can. I want you to know that I'm always here - I'll always be here."
"So that's the thing, hyung, you say that, but you weren't. I'm just gonna be honest, I have to be at this point." Yoongi nods encouragingly. "You've let me down. Not just once, but on more than one occasion." Namjoon gulps the nervous lump down in his throat and continues, knowing this is now or never. "You always said we would talk it out, figure it out, but we never did. I've waited so many years to have a discussion with you, to figure out if the way I felt was all in my head. I decided when you refused to talk with me that last time, that I knew ... I knew how I felt about you, you didn't feel the same, and I had to move on." Namjoon pauses to finally look away from Yoongi. Staring at him is too hard, he knows he will cry if he continues looking straight at him.
"Namjoon, I never, I ... I never meant to make you think I didn't care. I just, I ... Fuck," Yoongi rakes his hands through his hair. "Fuck, Joon-ah, from that very first day we meet, I was smitten with you, I don't know how else to describe it. You were the best I could have asked for in a friend and partner and I couldn't help it. My feelings grew and grew. That time I kissed you, I knew I fucked up. I just couldn't stop myself."
"Hyung, that night-"
"No, I shouldn't have ... I shouldn't have then treated it like it was nothing cuz it was everything for me. And I fucked it up, Joon-ah. I fucked it up." Yoongi stops and turns away. He stares at the kitchen wall, his eyes brimming with tears. "I saw you that night watching me. I was angry, I was confused," Yoongi chuckles and shrugs his shoulders, "I was drunk ... I just wanted someone's attention."
"You had my attention all night long, hyung. I couldn't stop watching you. I was so jealous. You were so flippant about what happened and then turned around and ... All I know is I couldn't stop thinking about it." Namjoon shoves his chair closer to Yoongi. "Hyung, did you fuck that guy that night? That blonde guy? Did you?"
Yoongi turns to look at Namjoon, his eyes searching his face. "Why do you need to know? Why is it important at this point? It was so many years ago."
"It matters to me, hyung."
"No, Joon-ah ... I couldn't. All I could think about was you, and how you looked at me from across the dance floor, and how hurt you were. How could I? How could I knowing how much more hurt you would be?"
Namjoon nodded. "Hyung ... Yoongi ..." he sighed, "I love you. I think I always have, I always will." Namjoon stands suddenly. "I just needed you to know. I just can't have you not knowing that anymore."
"Where are you going?" Yoongi asks as he watches Namjoon turn from the table. "Joon-ah. Namjoon!" Yoongi calls, standing to follow Namjoon as he walks back towards the living room. "Stop, goddamn it!"
Namjoon stops but doesn't turn to face Yoongi. Yoongi can tell that Namjoon is crying. Stepping forward, he gently runs his hand down his back. "Joon-ah, I realized I loved you that night. Every relationship I've had, it was you I judged them against. It's why no one was ever good enough. I'm sorry that I couldn't say this sooner, but I love you, I'm sorry I ruined both of our lives."
Namjoon spins around at Yoongi's words, grabbing his shoulders. "Ruined our lives? Hyung? No, oh my god ... No." Namjoon wraps his arms around Yoongi, hugging him tightly.
Yoongi nuzzles into Namjoon's chest, inhaling his smell, hugging him back.
"I love you hyung, do you promise, here and now, to always do the same for me, no matter what.?
"Of course, Joon-ah," Yoongi answers, looking up at Namjoon with tears in his eyes, a smile on his face. "No matter what."