Chapter Text
The sizzling sound of frying eggs filled the house.
Footsteps rang through the halls as the Dendro Archon, Nahida, made her way to Wanderer’s room. She knocked on his door, calling him awake, “Hat Guy! It’s time for breakfast!”
Said Hat Guy responded with a noise while getting up from bed. He spent ten minutes getting dressed, brushed his teeth, and made his way to the kitchen. Nahida turned to him with a smile, cheerfully saying, “Good morning! Did you sleep well?”
“Morning, Lesser Lord Sigmanali.”
“...”
“...”
“...Um, huh?”
Wanderer attempted to curse, “Erm, what the sigma?? Why in skibidi am I speaking like this???” Nahida covered her mouth, trying not to laugh. “Oh my gyatt I’ve been cursed.” She quickly grasped the situation and whisked them to Irminsul, trying to find out what was going on. After investigating for a few moments, she reached a conclusion.
“You’re right, you have been cursed. Apparently, you have to speak in… brainrot for a week. It’s a set of vocabulary from a different universe; and along with the few you’ve already spoken, there’s many more.
Wanderer groaned, why is this happening to me? “Whoever thought this was funny, I’m going to crease their Jordans.” He stared at Nahida.
“Oh, um, let’s see. ‘Jordans’ are a shoe brand in that universe. They’re apparently very expensive and valuable.” Shoes?? Really???
This absolutely cannot be occurring right now. Wanderer is going to rip his hair out. Did the gods really hate him that much? He already atoned for everything, erased it all, even. This is seriously the end of his rope. And on a school day? Come on.
“I can’t believe I’m being edged via interdimensional powers right now. Can’t I just start my mewing streak for the rest of the week?” He, once again, stared at Nahida.
She was starting to get way too confused. “Um, I’ll write down all those phrases and their meanings for you.” She spent the next fifteen minutes finding all the words and jotting down a quick definition. Her face twisted in various emotions throughout the whole process. Wanderer was slightly afraid of what he could be saying for the next few days.
“And, no, you can’t stay silent. You still have to attend your Akademiya lectures, those are important. Apparently, you’ll still write in brainrot too, so I’ll have to inform your professor about that.”
Could this get any worse? Wanderer wondered if he could use TSL, Teyvat Sign Language, but he’d most likely sign in brainrot too. “Chat, what the fuck. Not even Turkish Quandale Dingle could’ve predicted this.” Wanderer checked the list, thankfully she wrote it in alphabetical order. He’ll have to carry this around and shove it in people’s faces for an entire week.
They had to hurry and leave the space before Wanderer was late for his first class. He begrudgingly trudged into the room, sat down, and took out his books. The only upside to this whole dumbass situation was that he had built a reputation for being antisocial. No one tried to talk to him, so it worked out in the end. He listened to the professor prattle on about the causes of forbidden knowledge, writing down notes and little comments here and there. Of course, they ended up being brainrot-ified, so he’ll have to go back and change them later. If he ends up forgetting, and Archons forbid he did, “King Deshret was an alpha who didn’t fw the Heavenly Principles” wasn’t going to help during exams. After the hour passed, Wanderer packed up his things and went out the door.
He managed to survive through half the day by doing what he always did: not interacting with anyone. Maybe this curse wasn’t going to be too detrimental to his mental health and non-existent social life.
He forgot one important factor.
A clingy, green-eyed, boyfriend factor.
“Honey! Let’s eat lunch together!” Oh god. Wanderer rubbed his eyes and prepped himself. Sethos came dashing over, almost knocking him down with the sheer force of his hug. “How were your classes? I brought masala cheese balls. Let’s go, I’m starving.” Wanderer just nodded, thinking that if he talked as little as possible, nothing bad would happen.
His lover started rambling about his day, talking about his errands, any mishaps, and all the weird payments he received. “...So he decided to burst into a fit! Can you believe that?” He looked over at Wanderer, waiting for a response. When one didn’t arrive, he gave him a confused look, “You alright? Why aren’t you saying anything?”
Okay, boyfriend instincts probably exist, but this was way too fast! He didn’t know what to do; saying something was out of the question, he’d probably go, “What a goofy ahh response. What is bro yapping about?” or something equally as stupid.
“Are you having a bad day? Did I do something wrong? We can talk about it.”
Wanderer was going to start sweating. Should he attempt to communicate with him? He brought out the vocabulary sheet, wondering if there was a way he could translate. At the bottom of the paper, he saw a note left by Nahida: “To whoever is reading this, I have been cursed to speak in a language called brainrot for a week. Some things said will not make sense, so please bear with it.” Wanderer had never wanted to hug her more; thank goodness she was always two steps ahead.
He held up the paper and pointed to the note. Sethos leaned in to scrutinize the note, his face unreadable. After a moment, a crack of a smile started forming on his lips. He finally burst into laughter, unable to contain the absurdity of the situation. “HAHAHA y-you PFFT– HAHAHA!” He clutched his stomach, trying to calm down. “H-How did this even– How did this happen?”
“I don’t know! Some L rizz, level one gyatter placed this on me!”
Despite not knowing what most of the words meant, Sethos broke down in euphoria. He looked at the list, read the meanings, and laughed even harder.
--------------------
They were on the tree branch. Wanderer felt more comfortable dealing with this curse of his away from the prying eyes of others. Sethos brought out their lunch and they ate in silence for five minutes. It seems he was still digesting the new quirk his lover had acquired. After a moment, he spoke up, “So… can you write normally or is that also in b-brainrot too?”
“...Well, this Caseoh mogger is playing duos with god cause they’ve thought of everything . I will literally jork it to a hilichurl to make this stop.”
Sethos was trying so hard to take this conversation seriously. The stoic, exhausted look on Wanderer’s as he spoke those words was the frosting on the cake. “One day, I’ll ascend to Ohio and ratio those Baby Gronks.”
He had no idea how to respond to this. “I take it that writing down notes was a pain? I’ll look over them with you if you want.” He just really wanted to read what else Wanderer had written in this weird language. The man himself saw right through Sethos. “Um, ackshually, it wasn’t hard at all. It was so easy I almost busted a nut.” For some reason, his body acted on its own and he stuck up a finger while saying it. What the hell? He scanned the paper, looking down for the U section. “It’s common to stick up a finger obnoxiously while saying this phrase.” You have got to be kidding me.
--------------------
Wanderer went about the rest of his day without opening his mouth once. He was lucky he only had lectures today or he would’ve been… cooked. He quickly flew to the Sanctuary of Surasthana, opened the doors, and locked himself inside.
After such a long, hard day of surprises, he desperately needed sleep. But his thesis papers needed to be finished, so he’ll write out a draft and polish it after the curse is lifted.
“Forbidden knowledge was first introduced to Teyvat by the skibidi alpha dragon king Nibelung. He hoped that it could be used against the Heavenly Principles, who were fragging everyone in League of Legends.” After a few more sentences, Wanderer’s face scrunched in disgust. Okay, this was hopeless. He dropped his quill, trudged over to his bed, and retired for the night.
--------------------
“Did you hear about the General Mahamatra? Someone said that he’s been saying… weird things.”
“I have! Perhaps they’re code words to be more discreet about Akademiya secrets.”
The damn week was finally over. Wanderer had never been more happy to be able to talk. He was leaning over the balcony during break period, feeling the wind through his hair. He opened his eyes, sensing him.
“Honeyyyyy! How’s studying going?” Sethos appeared from nowhere, hugging him from behind and kissing his cheek. Wanderer detached himself from those grabby fingers. “A lot easier now that that stupid curse has been lifted.” He cringed when he remembered how he was called to answer a question in class and let loose a “He was who many considered a goat.”
They chatted about their day for a while, enjoying the sound of each other’s voice without hindrance.
“Hey! Sethos! Wanderer!” A voice shouted from a few feet away. It was the aforementioned Cyno. “You two sigmas are looking quite skibidi today. Touching grass?”
Wanderer slowly turned and death glared Sethos. “What. Did. You. Do.”
Sethos almost fell to the floor with laughter.