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Stan turns in his bed for the 50th time. He’s been trying to fall asleep for over an hour now. No matter how many times he tosses and turns, he cannot stop his mind from racing. He sighs in defeat and grabs his phone from his nightstand. His eyes take a moment to adjust to the bright light. There are no important notifications to distract him, so he unlocks his phone and clicks on his messages.
It’s 1 a.m., meaning there’s a chance Kyle is asleep. Stan hopes he is, because he needs to talk to him, but really doesn’t want to. The last day felt dreamlike to him. After Kyle’s comment at the mall, things went from bad to worse between the two of them.
“WHAT?” Stan says, shock evident in his face. There is no way that Kyle just said what he said. Kyle blushes furiously at Stan’s reaction, the red reaching his ears.
“I didn’t mean it weirdly! I just-” Kyle drops his face into his hands before mumbling into his palms. When he looks back up, his eyes look watery. Stan feels bad instantly. “I just meant you’re not the only one that’s curious, okay!”
Kyle looks away, and Stan can’t help the guilt that fills him. He’d want to push Kyle, yes, but the outcome was supposed to be funny. Even when he’d confess that he was fucking with Kyle, he could handle the anger afterward. He couldn’t handle seeing his friend so humiliated in front of him.
“Look, it was a stupid idea, okay? Just forget about it, please.”
“No!” Stan immediately responds. Kyle shakes his head, ready to object. Stan continues before he loses this opportunity. “I was just shocked. I think it’s a good idea!”
Kyle's eyes drift up to Stan again, and a small glint of hope is visible in them. Stan isn’t sure how it’s a great idea. It’s a horrible idea, especially for him.
“You’re right! Sex is about trust, and it’s important to be comfortable,” Stan feels his face heating up. He’s still unsure how to convince Kyle and himself of this idea. “This isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s just two friends who trust each other, a lot, I might add, and are curious.”
Kyle looks away but doesn’t comment. Stan can tell he’s thinking and wants to say something, although he doesn’t know what. A few moments pass before Kyle speaks up.
“What about Kenny?”
Oh shit. What about Kenny? Stan nearly forgot he egged Kyle on with Kenny in the first place. He searches anywhere in his mind for an answer. When he speaks again, he wishes a sniper would shoot him down instead.
“I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of him,” Stan sounds as unconvincing as he feels he does. He continues anyway, “He’s probably a bunch more experienced and…” he trails off and doesn’t have a way to finish it.
The awkwardness that Stan had tried so desperately to run away from was back and amplified to an extreme. Neither of them could look at the other. Stan’s pretzel and lemonade are left untouched. He no longer has an appetite for anything. Bringing up Kenny was a horrible idea. Trying to convince Kyle that he should sleep with Stan was beyond insane. Lightning could strike down Stan, and he would feel like he deserves worse.
“Maybe this isn’t a conversation to have at the mall,” Kyle says quietly and stands up. Stan stands up after him and throws out what’s left of his food. Kyle and Stan exit shortly after, and the conversation never happens. They simply part ways when Stan makes it back home. His mom asks him how the mall was, and he ignores her. He turns off all the lights in his room and crawls into bed, wishing time would stop altogether.
Stan groans when he recalls the already notorious memory. It’s Sunday night, technically Monday morning. In a few hours, he’ll have to go to school, see Kyle, and pretend he doesn’t want to combust. There was no contact between the two of them. Stan felt like the conversation was never going to happen. It’s probably for the best, but he still feels his chest sting at the small chance he had of kissing Kyle’s stupid lips being squashed forever.
His fingers hover over the keyboard in his messages with Kyle. He’s unsure what to say. He’s only got one shot since he’s almost positive that Kyle is asleep by now. Should he get right to the point? But what even is the point? He has no fucking idea what he’s doing. Stan thinks that by now he should know better than to improvise. Improvising leads to saying he wants to practice fucking Kyle before he fucks Kenny. Stan decides to go for a safe approach.
[1:27 AM] Me:
Hey
Stan lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding when he hits send. He shrieks when the delivered turns into read immediately. His phone is launched to the other side of the bed when Kyle responds with a “Hi” of his own. Stan closes his eyes hard and opens them quickly, hoping that his eyes are only playing a trick on him. The “Hi” was still there.
He should ask if they’re okay. That seems like the correct thing to say. It’s safe. It gives way to apologizing for his insane idea anyway. But it also means this topic will be shut down forever. Could he really be able to accept that? The thought of Kyle has been haunting him for months now. He loves Kyle platonically, obviously, but he wants more so badly. The phone buzzes in his hand, snapping him out of his thoughts.
[1:31 AM] Kyle <3:
We need to talk
Brilliant observation, Kyle. He begins to type a response before his phone buzzes again.
[1:31 AM] Kyle <3:
Let’s meet up early tomorrow
Stan panics. He figured he’d be able to talk to Kyle through text, where he purposefully would avoid face-to-face. He considers convincing Kyle otherwise, but he realizes that he was the one who brought this whole bump in their friendship. The least he could do was make Kyle as comfortable as he could. He reluctantly accepts defeat and shoots Kyle a confirmation text. There is no response after that.
—
They didn’t say a time specifically, but that didn’t matter because Stan was up way before sunrise. He tried his hardest to get some rest, but he couldn’t fall or stay asleep. By the time it was 6:00 am, he forced himself to get up and get ready.
He looked horrible. His reflection was never usually the best, but this morning took the cake. His hair was greasy, his eye bags were the darkest they had ever been, and his eyes were tinged with red. He could control only one thing at the moment, so he started the shower, cranking the heat up as much as possible. Stan was never really one for showers, but considering how he was beating all kinds of records today, he decided to make this shower long and steamy.
Part of the long shower was to weed out the pure exhaustion he’s been feeling for a while now, and the other part was to make himself as presentable as possible. Kyle was going to shoot him down, and he knew that. But he could at least smell nice. He was thoroughly washing his hair, even going as far as putting on some conditioner. The final touch was using someone’s (he has no idea whose it is) body wash.
His clothes were a lost cause. He didn’t own anything nice, so he went with what was the least wrinkled and smelly. Before he left the house, his mother offered him something to eat. He knew he should have said yes, but the anxiety bundled within him wouldn’t let anything go down his throat, let alone stay down. He was on the way to Kyle’s house by 6:50.
Kyle’s house wasn’t a far walk. That was the best part about being friends with him. Stan could visit him whenever. Kyle wouldn’t usually go to Stan’s house since it was always Kyle’s house that was the designated hang-out place. All of Stan’s best memories were there, and soon one of the worst.
Stan stopped at Kyle’s porch and pulled out his phone to let Kyle know he was outside. He didn’t know how long Kyle was waiting, but he stepped out of his house almost immediately. They locked eyes for a moment. Stan soaked up every detail about Kyle. It felt like the last time he’d ever be able to do so. His crush on Kyle was unforgivable. It was enough to tear them apart completely, and he didn’t want that. So he’d take this moment to admire Kyle the way he deserves to be. Maybe he wasn’t subtle, because Kyle seemed to fidget under his gaze.
“We should go somewhere less public,” Kyle said quietly before leading Stan to the side of the house. They were just out of sight from Kyle’s windows and behind enough bushes to hide from the rest of the street. At the perfect angle, they would still be visible, but it didn’t matter if they were only going to talk, right?
They were a good distance from each other before Stan finally broke the silence.
“I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable, Kyle.” He was looking down at the dirt path, unable to look into Kyle’s eyes. It really was all of his fault, wasn’t it? He shouldn’t have thought about Kyle like that in the first place.
“What do you mean?” Kyle sounded concerned, like he genuinely didn’t want Stan to beat himself up. “You didn’t make me uncomfortable.”
Stan didn’t respond. He couldn’t get any words past the lump in his throat. Kyle continued anyway.
“I-,” Kyle cut himself off, taking his hat off and tugging a bit of his hair, “I was just really embarrassed at the food court. I mean, who asks their best friend to explore their sexuality with them?”
“I was literally going to go to Kenny?” Stan finds his voice at last.
“That’s different, though.”
“How so?”
Kyle lets out a sigh in frustration. “You’re the only person I trust. And my sexuality has been something that’s been bothering me for a while. And I know you never know until you try, but I don’t want to try with anyone else. Or like I don’t want to do it with a stranger or someone I don’t know well.”
There’s a pause before Kyle continues, like he’s still unsure of what he wants to say. “It’s just weird of me to ask that of you. And it’s not fair either, because I’m pretty sure you’re not attracted to me at all either. I mean, you said you wanted Kenny.” Kyle finishes with a defeated look.
Stan doesn’t know what to say. A small part of him feels giddy that Kyle trusts him that much to explore with him, but he also feels guilty that that’s the only thing he focuses on. He’s not the only one who feels like the bad guy in this situation. He nearly tells Kyle that the whole Kenny situation was only a test. That’s Stan’s escape from telling Kyle the truth about his feelings. But then he’s hit with the reality that he’s still the only one who feels that way.
Kyle didn’t confess to Stan, not in the way he wanted. Kyle was confiding in his best friend, and Stan was going to take advantage of that. He really was the worst friend.
“It’s not weird, Kyle, and I don’t want Kenny either,” Stan finds himself stepping closer to Kyle, trying to reassure him. Kyle looks at him, his eyes slightly glassy. “I mean, sure he’s attractive, but I don’t want him, at least not seriously. It matters to me more to be able to help you.”
It’s as honest as he could get without completely exposing himself. He might never get what he wants, but he could still be there for Kyle. Yes, that was the point of this now. Not to satisfy some selfish desire of Stan’s, but to help Kyle figure himself out. He makes sure his voice is steady when he speaks again. “I want to help you, Kyle.”
For the first time, there’s a sparkle in Kyle’s eyes. Hope forms on his face, but he quickly furrows his eyebrows. “But, are you even attracted to me?”
Yes. Very. 100%. Never been hornier.
“The whole point of this is to both discover if we like boys, right?” Stan already knows, but that’s not appropriate. “Technically, we don’t know until we try, right?”
It’s such bullshit. There’s no way Kyle is going to fall for any of it. Why does he still continue to try to pull shit out of his ass? Stan already concluded that he should never be allowed to improvise anymore.
“Yeah, it’s just like a chemistry screening, basically…” Kyle says absently, like he’s trapped in his thoughts, also. Stan feels like he’s breaking down all the bullshit he said previously and he’ll yell at Stan any second. Except the yelling never happens, the opposite happens when Kyle very quietly says, “Do we kiss to test it out?”
Stan struggles to breathe. He believes he makes it up until Kyle steps a bit closer with his face flushed hard. Kyle isn’t that close, but Stan feels like he’s too close anyway. His face becomes flushed when he comments, “If you want to.”
Stan swears he hears a very silent “I want to” from Kyle before he presses his lips onto his own.
Both of their lips are still, neither one daring to make the first move. Their lips are the only thing that is connecting them at the moment. Stan was too afraid to put his hand on Kyle, worried that Kyle would somehow feel every bit of nervousness Stan feels. This was a moment that Stan dreamed of for countless nights, and now that it’s finally happening, he’s got stage fright. He doesn’t think Kyle has done this before because he doesn’t move his lips. Stan realizes belatedly that he’s waiting for Stan to take the lead.
He’s waited too long because he feels Kyle start to pull back. All his senses come back to him, and he places a hand on the nape of Kyle’s neck, forcing their lips to collide. He tries to convince himself that the desperation in his kiss is for Kyle’s sake and not his own.
Kyle doesn’t respond automatically, most likely due to shock. It’s when Stan finally slows down the pace, enough to feel the softness of Kyle’s lips, that Kyle kisses back. His lips aren’t dry and chapped like Stan’s. They’re nice and warm and plump and even better than Stan’s imagination. His hand trails upwards to Kyle’s hair, and he continues the steady pace until he runs out of breath. He pulls back just an inch to get his breath back.
He’s sure that their “chemistry screening” was over with a failing result, but when he opens his eyes slightly, he finds Kyle’s already looking at him. There’s a gaze in his eyes that looks all too familiar to Stan. It’s the same look he sees in his own eyes when he thinks about Kyle. But that can’t be right. He doesn’t feel like it’s true, but he leans into Kyle again. Kyle kisses back automatically.
It’s not as slow anymore, but that’s not because of Stan. Kyle kisses Stan more frantically this time, like he’s the one dreaming of this. Stan feels Kyle’s hands on the sides of his face. They’re warm and holding onto him firmly. The only noise is the sound of their lips smacking, which becomes louder as time progresses. Stan isn’t sure how long they’ve been kissing, but he finally caves into his desires when he runs his tongue along Kyle’s bottom lip.
Kyle freezes a bit at first, and Stan feels regret rising already, but it stops when Kyle returns the gesture on Stan’s own lips. There’s a groan that leaves his mouth at the feel of Kyle’s warm tongue. It’s shameless, and Kyle continues anyway. Stan opens his mouth slightly, hoping that Kyle gets the message behind it, and of course, he does. They understand exactly what the other needs now. Their kiss doesn’t feel like a test anymore, but a complete understanding.
The first time Kyle cracks is when Stan’s tongue finds Kyle's. Kyle lets out a moan, and Stan instantly wants more. Their tongues meet in the warmth of their combined mouths, and it’s messy and wet and so good. Kyle’s letting out more groans directly into Stan’s mouth. It only serves as an incentive to continue in Stan’s mind. Stan feels the heat pool in his stomach, arousal slowly invading all of his senses. All of his wet dreams and dirty thoughts of Kyle do not compare to having his tongue down Stan’s throat. The taste of Kyle, even though it’s nothing amazing, is shooting straight down to his dick. He fights back the urge to grind against Kyle’s leg, mostly because he’s unsure if Kyle’s also aroused. He doesn’t want to disconnect their lips to check.
He nibbles on Kyle’s bottom lip, soaking up all the sweet noises Kyle makes, before he finds Kyle’s tongue and slightly sucks on it. Something in Kyle snaps, completely throwing Stan off guard. Kyle’s hand disconnects from Stan’s face and instead finds his shoulders. He pushes Stan back into the side of the house. He feels a sharp pain and an immediate sense of panic. Has he gone too far? He’s ready to ask what’s wrong when Kyle starts to kiss his neck. It’s unexpected but not disliked.
Kyle kisses gently at first, along Stan’s collarbone, slowly going upwards to his neck. Kyle starts to get messier then, his kisses becoming rougher and dirtier. Stan tilts his head to give Kyle more to work with, and his eyes flutter shut at the pleasure. His hand tugs at Kyle’s hair, which Kyle groans at. When Kyle gets close to his ear, he nibbles on Stan’s earlobe. Stan gasps at the feeling, something he hasn’t done before, but something he needs more often.
“Kyle,” Stan rasps, needing to kiss him again. Kyle lets go of his ear then and goes to kiss Stan again when the outside door suddenly opens. The two boys instantly jump back from each other, frantically trying to make themselves presentable. Stan looks at Kyle’s puffy lips and knows he's probably worse.
Sheila is walking on the porch, heading to the trash outside with a trash bag in her hands. When she turns around, she spots the two boys hidden behind the bush. Kyle looks terrified, meanwhile, Stan looks at the ground.
“Boys, what are you still doing here?!” Sheila sounds half shocked and half upset. “You’re late for school!”
Stan didn’t think that much had passed, perhaps only 10 minutes, but when he checks his phone, he gapes at the time. It’s 7:37 am, and school starts at 7:30 am. Just how long did they spend talking versus making out? Stan feels his cheeks flush at the fact that he kissed Kyle for nearly half an hour. Kyle gave Sheila a flimsy excuse that they needed to have an important talk before going to school.
“We’re finished now, though! We’ll be on our way,” Kyle said with fake enthusiasm. Stan hoped it was enough to shake Sheila off their backs. He’d tried facing away enough that the two of them wouldn’t notice his bulge.
“Nonsense! I’ll give you guys a ride. You’re already so late!”
Stan and Kyle never hated her as much as they did at that moment.
The two of them went in the back, neither brave enough to sit in the passenger seat. Sheila didn’t speak much, only lectured the two of them on not being late again. The words went in one ear and out the other. Stan was more focused on how he needed to hide his erection at school. He shifted in his seat uncomfortably before looking at Kyle’s side. He thought Kyle would be looking out the window, but to his surprise, he was looking at Stan too. However, his eyes were looking lower, at his boner to be exact.
He hit Kyle’s shoulder quickly to stop him from staring. Kyle only scowled before looking down at his own pants, which Stan took as permission to also look. There was a significant bulge there, too, meaning the two of them do have an attraction to each other. Stan's stomach flips when Kyle looks at his eyes, lust locked away behind them.
They both shift one last time in their seats, a long day ahead of them before they can resume their experimentation.