Chapter Text
“I can’t believe you’ll cook your dogs an entire meal but I can have cheese for lunch.”
“That’s because Cara and Barry are good boys. Yes, you are, aren’t you, my lovelies? There. See?”
“Um, hello? I’m a good boy, too.”
“No. You’re not. You’re an asshole.”
“Oh. Wow. I thought I’d gotten over it by now, but… nope, I still find it unbearably hot when you insult me.”
“Jesus. Give me that lettuce.”
“You know what, that actually—that reminds me of something I wanted to ask you. Or—or talk about, rather.”
“Oh, God.”
“No, it’s nothing bad! I swear. I’m just wondering—I have been wondering what it would be like if you did that to me, like… in bed.”
“You want me to call you an asshole in bed?”
“Well, no, not—I was more thinking that you could, like, call me names… and stuff… during sex.”
“Call you names, huh? Like what? Dorothy?”
“Oh, my God!”
“You want to be a Dorothy? Or would you prefer to be a Jake? Or a Marty?”
“Deborah! What the hell?”
“What? The name thing was your idea.”
“Well, duh, I know that. But did you really have to bring Marty into this? I don’t want him to be part of our sex life! Or any conversation about it, for that matter!”
“Aw, come on, stop whining. And don’t be so disappointed! Look, even if I call you Marty, it’ll still be you that I have sex with.”
“Oh, my God, Deborah. Stop it. Stop! That’s not funny! Stop—stop laughing!”
“It is funny! God, it is funny. And, again, honey, you brought the whole thing up to begin with.”
“Yeah, except I was actually trying to have a serious conversation with you! Fuck, now I wish I hadn’t said anything.”
“What? Oh, come on, Ava. I’m just teasing you.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t like it.”
“Oh, for God’s sake. Stop pouting. Think of the wrinkles you’re going to get! Also, aren’t you always going around preaching that one should be comfortable enough in a relationship to laugh about sex? Or during it?”
“Well, yeah, but what I mean is laughing together. What you’re doing? It’s not the same. Look, it—it doesn’t matter. I’m not even sure I want to tell you. I’m not sure I can, now. If this is what you’re going to be like—”
“Wait, wait, wait. No—honey. Honey, wait. Ava, look at me. Please.”
“What?”
“I—I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—I should have stopped. I should have shut up when I noticed that you were genuinely upset. I didn’t realize that I’d pushed it too far, and I’m sorry. I am. I care about you, Ava. And I care about—about your feelings, and your wants and—and your needs.”
“Okay. Okay, I believe you. Thanks, Deb.”
“So… what names do you want me to call you?”
“Oh, um. Uh—can I text them to you? I would definitely feel more comfortable that way.”
“Of course, honey.”
“Um… okay. There. There you go.”
“Ava! Jesus, you want me to—and here I was thinking you were all about being against slut-shaming. You were the one who told me I wasn’t allowed to say these things in my set!”
“It’s not the same, Deb! It’s consensual kink! Well—I mean, it will be—would be—when and if you agree to it, obviously. If you don’t want to, that’s totally okay. That’s why we’re having this conversation. I—I tell you what I’d like to try, and you, well, agree… or you don’t. But, anyway, yeah, you—you definitely would not be slut-shaming me. I just think that it, um, would be something… you know. That I’d be into.”
“So you want me to… what, like, during? Or before? Or…”
“I don’t know. I haven’t really thought that far ahead. I mean, I wasn’t even sure whether it would be something you’d be up for. But you—you are? You’d want to? Try it, I mean?”
“Yes, Ava. I would. I want to fuck my dirty little slut, and make her—”
“Oh-kay… um, I don’t think—”
“What? Thought I’d try my hand at it right away.”
“Yeah, no. That is definitely a big no for outside of the bedroom.”
“But how will I… know? Know that—that I’m going to be any—any good at it?”
“Deb, we’ll do it together. Okay? This isn’t me asking for it to be perfect. This is me telling you I’d like to, you know, learn. Together. To try things.”
“Okay. Okay. No, yeah, I can do that. I can try.”
“Still, I appreciate that you’re so enthusiastic. See? At least now we know that this particular way of speaking makes us both uncomfortable in a non-sexual situation such as this. Communication is key. That’s what I’m always tellin’ ya.”
“I’m trying my best to get better at this, honey. I really am. I’m sorry, again, for messing up earlier, and not realizing I’d crossed a line.”
“It’s okay, Deb. I promise. I can see that you’re trying, and I love that you are. I love you. And I appreciate you. So much.”
“Ava, honey. Are you… sure you’re not eventually going to grow tired of my attempts to be politically correct only to mess up time and time again?”
“No, stop that. Listen to me, Deb. It takes time to unlearn all of the things that you were taught. And it’s hard. It’s really fucking hard, okay? I know that. It takes months, years. And, really, it never stops. But that doesn’t matter, okay? Because I can see that you want this. And I’m right here with you, every step of the way. I’m not going away, Deb. Alright?”
“Alright. Thank you for being patient, honey.”
“Of course. Anything for you, sexy lady.”
“Jesus. Don’t wink at me like that. You’re not a fifty-year-old man I’ve just met in some run-down hotel bar.”
“Nah, I’m not. I’m your super-hot thirty-year-old ex-employee. Isn’t that just so much better?”
“No comment. What I will comment on, however, is that it does not in any way, shape, or form redeem the fact that that was just awful.”
“Okay. Okay! No exaggerated winking. Got it. To be totally honest, I did feel a bit sleazy doing that. Anyway! So, this lettuce? With the dry-ass cheese? So good. And the nonexistent dressing? To die for. I love that there is just no flavor anywhere. Who needs that, am I right? Herbs and spices are just so overra—”
“Are you at any point going to ask me whether I have any fantasies, too?”
“—ted. Um. Uh, I—well, I mean, do you? Because we can totally talk about that. Like, absolutely. That is, if there is anything you would like to talk to me about. Is—is there? Anything you would like to try? In the bedroom? Anything you would like to… incorporate into our sex life?”
“Christ. It’s like I’m talking to a shrink. You going to take out your notebook next?”
“First of all, you should probably call them psychiatrists, instead. Or maybe psychologists. ‘Therapists’ works, too. Obviously the correct word depends on what their actual profession is. Because did you know that some people mean one and some mean the other? Yet there is a distinction! Also, to be completely fair, they do have a point. Writing things down would probably actually really—”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake, Ava.”
“Okay. Sorry. Ranting. You were saying?”
“I’d like to spank you."
“Sp—I, uh. Hm? What?”
“I said I want to spank you.”
“You mean, like, right now?”
“No! Jesus, Ava. I’m not going to bend you over the kitchen table! That set cost me tens of thousands of dollars! I just did what you suggested and named the one thing I could think of, you know, that I want to try with you. Are your ADHD meds not working or something? Your attention span is worse than usual.”
“Um, excuse me, but this really fucking hot MILF just told me she wants to spank me. You can’t exactly blame my brain for shutting down on me, can you? So no, nothing ADHD-related happening here. No, ma’am. Just my brain being fried.”
“Ha! Is that what I am? A MILF?”
“Well, yeah? Duh. You’re a mom, and I really want to fuck you.”
“I thought you of all people would find that term problematic.”
“I mean it technically is? It does take away from who the person actually is, and reduces their entire personality to being sexually appealing. It basically puts emphasis on their fuckability. Which, by the way, that word? Terrible. You love when I objectify you, though, so it’s okay.”
“Well, I can’t argue with that.”
“See? Totally unproblematic.”
“You’re really something.”
“Yeah. Yours.”
“So you’re a dirty slut and a sap. Who would have thought.”
“Deborah! I told you—”
“You want to go upstairs, baby?”
“Actually, never mind. The slut part? In this case? Right here, right now? Totally okay. As long as you leave it at that and don’t continue beyond—”
“You want me to give you a minute to finish your monolog there?”
“Nope, no, I’m fine. Totally fine. Let’s—let’s do this. Let’s get to the bedroom.”
“Make sure you don’t trip. Wouldn’t want my desperate little whore to break her sweet neck before I can fuck her tight pussy.”
“Um. You know what? I’ll let that one slide. But only because I just told you that it was okay. We are going to have to work on your timing again, though, because, honestly—”
“Jesus, Ava. You want me to fuck you or not?”
“I—yeah. Yep. Coming.”
“Well, not yet, but you certainly will be.”