Chapter Text
“So about earlier…”
“Jesus, Ava. I just opened my eyes. Give me a minute, will you? I’m nowhere near as young as you. I don’t wake up all energetic.”
“First of all, I have chronic depression, so I don’t do energetic. Ever. And, second of all, your face is closer to me in age than you. It’s, like, two years old.”
“Oh, I bet you’re so proud of yourself for that one, aren’t you?”
“Kinda.”
“I told you, it’s not a whole new face, it’s a—”
“Refreshed face. Yeah, so I’ve heard. Approximately six hundred thousand times. It’s getting old. Kind of like—”
“Don’t you dare.”
“Like y—”
“Ava, I swear to God.”
“I’m kidding. I’m joking! I don’t actually see you as that. Like, when I look at you, I just… see Deborah. Not someone who’s seventy—”
“Jesus. You had to say it, didn’t you?”
“You’re not listening. What I’m saying is that I don’t see you as… you know.”
“I am listening. And I do know what you mean. Unfortunately, just because you have rose-tinted glasses on and I don’t feel my age most of the time, that doesn’t mean my body is agreeing with either of us. Which is why I need a second when I wake up. You know, to… chill, I suppose, as your generation would call it.”
“Chill? That’s not even remotely Gen—”
“Good God, Ava.”
“Chill. You need to chill after waking up. Got it. Yup.”
“Good.”
“So… has it been enough time yet?”
“Christ. You’ve been blabbering on for minutes, anyway. Just say what you’re dying to say.”
“Yay! Okay, so… um.”
“Yes?”
“Well, I mean… you know.”
“Wow. So eloquent. You ever think about becoming a writer?”
“Fuck off! I’m just—”
“What? Having trouble finding words? Unfocused? Hate to break it to you, but you might be getting old, honey.”
“Or maybe I just don’t know how to start this conversation! Jesus! I don’t know why—argh.”
“Okay, how about this. I apologize for introducing something new in the middle of sex. I should have—I was in the moment, it happened, but we should have talked about it in advance.”
“No, no. I—that’s okay, Deb. We don’t have to talk about everything. It’s okay to do things in the heat of the moment. To be spontaneous. Don’t apologize for being in it. That’s really hot, actually. So—so yeah.”
“But this was… different. It felt like I shouldn’t have—”
“No. Stop it. Deb, I already told you. I liked it. A lot. I mean I came as soon as you said it, didn’t I?”
“I suppose you did.”
“Oh, I definitely did. So, you could say that that, you know, did it for me.”
“Yeah?”
“For sure.”
“Okay. Okay, alright. Good.”
“You look like there’s something else on your mind, though.”
“No. No, I just…”
“Come on. Tell me. Unlike you, I’m not one to laugh in people’s faces.”
“That was earlier! And I learned my lesson!”
“Just teasin’ ya. So?”
“Alright, alright. I just… I’m wondering whether maybe I hit a nerve, somehow. I mean, is that how you see me? As a mother figure? Is that what the whole thing is about? And if you do, I’m not sure how comfortable I will be with—”
“Deb, wait. Hang on a second. Listen to me. I can’t deny that I have a fucked up relationship with my real mom. Are there issues? Duh. Dozens of them. But that’s not what my relationship with you is about. At all. You’re not a mother figure to me. I’ve never seen you that way. Look, I can’t give you a psychoanalysis on why I enjoyed calling you Mommy earlier, but I did.”
“You sure? That you never thought about me as—”
“I literally had a sex dream about you a month after we first met. Does that sound motherly to you? I mean maybe Freud would think so, but he’d have an absolute field day with all of this, so—what? What are you laughing at?”
“I can’t believe you had a sex dream about me and never told me.”
“If I told you about every single sex dream I’ve had about you, or even half of them, we’d be here for a long, long time.”
“I—oh.”
“You can’t seriously tell me that that surprises you! You know I have a very active imagination. Knowing what I’m like, I probably literally told you what I fantasize about the day that I met you.”
“I mean, sure, but… I didn’t think that I was ever…”
“Deb, come on! You’re the hottest person alive! How could I not think about you, like, all the time?”
“So you—on the tour bus? Even while I was suing you? You—”
“Fucked myself silly to the thought of you? Yep.”
“Jesus, Ava.”
“Why does this come as such a shock to you, Deborah?”
“It’s not a shock. It’s—it’s very flattering, I just—I don’t see myself as someone who can turn another person on. Not anymore. Refreshing my face every now and then can only do so much, honey.”
“Deb… come here. Listen, I know we both said it was okay, but we can still, you know, decide not to try the Mommy thing again. I don’t know whether it was just that that’s made you feel this way, or a couple of things, but I don’t want anything we do to make you feel—”
“No. No, just… there is such a discrepancy, sometimes, between what I feel when I’m with you, and what I see when I look in the mirror. You make me feel like I’m thirty again. You make me feel alive. And then—then comes the reality check.”
“Reality check? Deb, what are you—”
“You’re so young! You’re gorgeous, and a wonderful person, and extraordinary at what you do. You’re a phenomenal writer, and—and so young! Actually young! You deserve someone who—”
“No. Stop it. Just stop. What I deserve is you. I’m in love with you, Deborah. I am. I don’t care about anything else.”
“That’s just it! You should!”
“Deborah, I’ve tried being with other people since we met. It didn’t work! It’s always been you. It’s been you since the second I walked into your living room and had to sit on that godawful sofa of yours! Look… I could die in a car crash tomorrow. We both could. Anything could happen at any time. Which is why we have to enjoy the here and now! We deserve to live our life the way we want. And I want to spend mine with you. Don’t you want that?”
“Of course I do, honey.”
“Then let’s! I want you, Deb. So badly! You’re so good for me. Don’t you see? I love falling asleep by your side, and waking up next to you. Every day that I get to wake up next to you and look into your eyes is paradise. I love laughing with you, I love yelling at you, I love crying with you. I love having sex with you. And every day that I get to do those things, every day with you, makes me better.”
“Oh, God. You’re not proposing, are you?”
“Uh, no? I’d save what I just said for our wedding vows. Duh.”
“Just making sure. It sounded so…”
“Serious? That’s because I am, Deb. I am serious about you.”
“No, I didn’t—oh, God, this is coming out all wrong. I didn’t mean to imply that there’s anything wrong with serious. I—let me start again. I love you, too, Ava. And of course I want to be with you. I don’t know why I’m suddenly being so negative.”
“Post-sex blues? I mean it was pretty great.”
“I just don’t want to fuck this up. What we have is—it’s so good, Ava. So rare. And I don’t want to lose that.”
“You’re not going to lose that, Deb. You’re not going to lose me. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going to give up the most mind-blowing sex I’ve ever had! Are you kidding? No, but seriously. We’re too compatible. Like you said. Not just in bed. In every regard. I’ve never felt so comfortable with anybody before. You understand me, you know me, you… make me laugh, even when I don’t feel like laughing. You’re it, Deb.”
“I… don’t know what to say. After Frank, I… didn’t think—for years, decades, I didn’t think I’d ever have anything that would come close to the connection I had with him. And now… this… my God, it’s better! I only wish I’d met you—that you were—I was…”
“Sh, Deb. Enough of that. Let’s just enjoy what we have. Please? I’m not telling you not to worry, that’d be like someone telling me not to overthink or forget things. But… I promise I’m here, and I’ll be here for as long as you’ll have me, so… maybe try to worry less?”
“Alright, honey. I will. I’ll try.”
“That’s all I ask.”
“Well, this certainly took a turn. All I wanted was to ask whether you enjoyed calling me Mommy.”
“I mean you did also ask.”
“Jesus, and now I’m exhausted again. Talking about my feelings makes me tired. No wonder I never do it.”
“Well I, for one, am still hungry after you once again fed what should have been my lunch to your dogs. And not to forget that coming as hard as I did took a lot out of me as well, so I’m going to head downstairs and have some more of that awful lettuce. Or, you know, order myself a pizza. Whichever I feel like. Though I think I already know which one I feel like.”
“Enjoy your calories.”
“I absolutely will. Enjoy your nap. Love ya!”
“I love you, too.”