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Steph removed her green flannel shirt and made herself comfortable, laying down on Pete’s bed, purple 3DS in hand. She absentmindedly ran around her Animal Crossing town while she waited for him to get back from the bathroom. A few moments passed and she hummed a song to herself, looking around Pete’s room.
From the blue sheets of the bed, Steph could see a collection of Funko Pops from fandoms she didn’t dare to guess, stacks of books that didn’t quite make it onto the overflowing shelves, textbooks littering a small desk and above that, a pride flag. Blue, pink and white – the trans flag, Pete was trans, and it was something they had spoken about shortly after their first study session together. The more Steph stared at the flag, the more she felt a familiar pit of dread in her stomach. She had to confront it at some point, but for now she had an Animal Crossing game to pay attention to.
Her attention was brought back into focus when she felt the mattress dip.
“Steph?” Pete looked a little concerned. “Are you okay? I said your name like five times, and you didn’t respond.”
“Oh, uh, yeah. I guess I zoned out!” She laughed awkwardly, hoping he would ignore it, and looked back up at the trans flag on the wall. “The, uh, the colours on your flag are pretty, huh?”
“Oh yeah, is that what’s got you so distracted?” They smirked, and shuffled on the bed so Steph could put her head in his lap.
“Well, I was just thinking about how it really fits, because you’re such a pretty boy.” Steph blushed, cringing a little at what she said, but also proud that she could see the same flush in Pete’s cheeks. Pete picked up his blue 3DS and the pair fell into a comfortable silence.
About 5 minutes passed like this, and that pit grew in Steph’s stomach. If she didn’t do something about it now, she felt like a black hole was going to erupt from her chest.
“Hey, Pete?”
“Yeah?”
“How did you find out you were trans?”
“Oh, well,” Pete paused, surprised at the suddenness of the question, but willing to answer anyway, “I’ve always sort of felt a little different to most people, I felt like my body wasn’t right for me, almost like I had the wrong size clothes on all the time. I figured out quite young, 9 or 10 years old, when my brother Ted started giving me his hand-me-down clothes and I suddenly realised I felt much more myself in them. I knew I wasn’t entirely a guy, too, so when I discovered the term transmasc didn’t necessarily mean ‘entirely a guy,’ I knew that was a good fit for me!”
“Cool,”
There was that silence again, but this time it carried something else with it.
“Uh, any particular reason you’re asking?” Pete gently stroked Steph’s hair.
“Am I not allowed to know things about my boyfriend now?” Steph teased, looking up at him from his lap with a smirk, which quickly faded as she decided to be honest. “But, uh, there was a reason actually…”
She put her DS down onto the bed and slowly shifted herself up, so she was sitting again.
“I’ve been thinking about my own gender. I hadn’t given it a second thought until you mentioned you were trans, but now I’m confused.” Steph gently put her head on Pete’s shoulder. “I never had a reason to, before, I thought that I had to be a girl because that’s what everyone told me.”
“Do you want to talk about it? If you have questions, I could help answer them Steph,” Pete rested his head on hers. “I’ll love you all the same, baby, you know that.”
“I know, babe, it’s just so much to think about.” Steph sighed. “Sometimes I don’t feel like a girl. At all. Or a guy. I rarely feel like a guy entirely. I feel much more feminine some days, and others if I even look at anything I’d consider feminine I get this pit of dread in my stomach. I think it’s dread at least; I can’t always tell that either.”
“You could be nonbinary, like me, or genderfluid if you feel like it shifts a lot?” Pete offered. “And I know that dread feeling far too well. Sounds like dysphoria to me.”
Steph shook her head. “I don’t think it changes necessarily, its more like a static point that just looks different in different lights, like when someone says their eyes change colour, but they just reflect differently. That’s such a weird analogy, I’m sorry.”
Pete laughed softly, “If it works for you, it’s not weird at all, Steph. You also know you don’t need to find a label for your gender if its too confusing for you.”
“I know I don’t need a label, but it would be good to put a word to what I’m feeling, you know?”
“Do you know what pronouns you like best?”
“They/them seems to be a good one most days, I don’t mind she/her, or he/him some days, is that normal?” Steph looked up at Pete, who smiled back.
“You know I use he/they, right?”
“Yeah, but three sets of pronouns?”
“Perfectly normal, baby.” He placed a soft kiss to her forehead. “Genderqueer?”
Steph paused, considering for a moment. “Definition?”
“Similar to nonbinary, it just means your gender doesn’t conform to the binary or societal standards. Ruth’s genderqueer, you know.”
“I didn’t know that existed, or about Ruth being genderqueer. Even just the sound of the word feels better already.” Steph sat with her thoughts for a moment.
“If it isn’t quite right, you can change it, that’s okay to do. But do you reckon that’s a good label, for now, at least?”
“I think I like it, Pete,” she turned his face to face hers and gently kissed his lips, “Thank you.”
Pete smiled and returned the kiss, “Anything for you, babe, just one question,” he pulled away briefly.
“Hmm?”
“Is girlfriend still a term you’re comfortable with? Or is partner better? More gender neutral I’d say.”
“Partner sounds mysterious, I like it.” She giggled a little, “Like we’re spies or something.” Her hand found its way back to the side of Pete’s face and she leaned in again.
“I’d be a terrible spy,” He kissed her softly again, “I’d be too distracted looking at you!”
Steph laughed into the kiss, before picking up her 3DS again and pulling away. “Hey, we didn’t finish touring your town!”
Pete retaliates by closing his own 3DS, “Sorry, my partner was being too cute, I got distracted again.” He smirked at her.
Steph rolled her eyes, smiling, before closing her 3DS too and resting her forehead against Pete’s, his glasses bumping her nose slightly. “Oh, well we can’t have that!” She closed the gap between them and laced her hands behind their neck, as his found her waist.
The evening went on, the game long forgotten. Steph curled up next to Pete in his single bed, there wasn’t much room, but they didn’t mind the proximity. As she shifted to get comfortable, she accidentally kicked her 3DS off the foot of the bed. She gasped, which made Pete wake from his state of half-sleep. Steph went to pick it up.
“Did it break?” Pete rubbed his bleary eyes, unable to see without his glasses on.
“Nope, fully intact, but” Steph pressed the power button. “Mr Resetti won’t be too happy with us.”
Pete looked confused for a moment. “Mr Resetti?”
“Yeah, the mole who shouts at you for not saving your game!” Steph moved both her 3DS and Pete’s to his desk for safety before climbing back into the bed.
“He can shout all he wants, I want to cuddle with my partner, thank you very much!” Pete’s words slurred a little in his tiredness, and Steph giggled, brushing a stray hair out of his face before kissing his cheek and nestling into his neck. The pair fell back into a comfortable silence again, but a sleepier one this time.