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One day a yiga footsoldier receives a misson.
With all this "upheaval" business, ending the hero has become more imperative than ever to the clan. Especially since his beloved, powerful princess is nowhere to be found. For the past few years they've been glued to each other's side; and the yiga have heard enough stories of what happened to Calamity Ganon to know simply not to fuck with her. But now Link is alone and once again vulnerable. A perfect opportunity to strike.
Unfortunately, thus far he's evaded their cunning banana traps and fought each footsoldier and blademaster that's gotten in his way. It's becoming clearer to them now that they must think outside the box.
They'd received word that Link had been spotted hovering around Lurelin Village; presumably as he's going to attempt to free it from the monster infestation. So, he and several other footsoldiers were sent off to Necluda. Each hoping to be the lucky one to ambush their prize.
Indeed, their ambushing skills have gotten a great deal better. No longer are their powers limited to impersonating random civilians. Through training they've been able to shift into anything and everything - from unsuspecting hylians to talking cuccos. Though the footsoldier thinks maybe this time he's gotten the short end of the stick when it comes to ambushes.
It's not that he doubts Master Kohga (glory to him). Master is smart - and devilishly handsome, might he add - and would never share a bad idea, much less go through with it.
It's just, well... Disguising oneself as a tree in the hopes that the hero may walk along that very road seems... perhaps not the best use of his time.
Still, it's what Master (glory to him) has assigned, and be damned if he's not going to do his job!
The footsoldier positions his tree-self not far from Lurelin. He's near the pathway leading to the Faron jungle. He knows his fellow clan members will be scattered throughout the location, but he tries to get as close to the potential action as possible.
Being a tree for the afternoon is admittedly not that bad. The soft, salty breeze that blows through his branches is relaxing - and every so often he is tickled by a squirrel running up his trunk. It's quiet and calming to be out here in nature; with no soul in sight to bark orders at him. But then there's the waiting.
Lots, and lots, of waiting.
It's perhaps an hour into his disguise stakeout when a Hyliadamn miracle occurs.
His eyes dart to a figure dashing up the path. He's a bit obscured by metallic armour, but quickly the golden locks and miniscule stature make it evident this is Link. The footsoldier's heart leaps out of his chest. He hadn't expected to even catch a peek of the hero today - let alone for him to be coming right along this path.
Stay calm. Stay calm.
A good ambush should come from behind. He knows if he reveals himself now the hero will have ample time to grab a weapon. He will let him pass then go for the kill.
Though, as Link comes closer into view, the footsoldier cannot help but notice he seems a bit... wobbly?
Looking closely at Link's exposed face, the hero appears a little scuffed up - with spots of dried blood on his cheeks and hair.
Is he injured?
Maybe he has managed to clear the monster infestation in the village. Or maybe he's been attacked by a fellow clan member before this. Either way, the yiga is almost holding his breath in anticipation. If Link's hurt already he may well be the one to finish the job...
But as the hero looms closer and closer, the footsoldier can tell something more acute is wrong with him. He seems to be holding on to his lower abdomen; his speed-walking almost like a shuffle as he grimaces.
A stab wound maybe? The yiga thinks, but there's no trace of fresh blood on his armour or hands.
Clearly something is internally troubling the hero. He'd almost feel sorry for Link if this wasn't the little five foot twerp who'd sent Kohga (glory to him) down a chasm.
Then, Link makes a turn off the path and into the foliage. In a panic, the yiga almost reveals himself; fearing that the hero is running off into the brush to out of sight. It then occurs to him that Link's footsteps from behind the leaves are still walking forward.
Right towards him.
Suddenly, the hero is right there in front of him, shuffling to a halt.
He's speechless - holding back the urge to tremble. He's never been in Link's presence before. Now his fabled enemy is right in front of him, unbeknownst to Link. It feels like the perfect opportunity to end this. He'll turn back quickly and stab him right in the neck. But it's a mixture of fear, shock and morbid curiosity that keeps the yiga firmly rooted - despite his brain's pleas.
Link seems to take a breath, steadying himself. He then grimaces again; his body almost curling in on itself as he lets out a muted groan.
"Ngghh..."
What in Hylia's name is wrong with him?
The hero stays firmly planted in front of the yiga. Every second becomes more and more enticing for the footsoldier to give up pretending and begin fighting. He's almost about to throw caution to the wind, when Link suddenly looks left, right, then behind him and starts to fumble with his trousers.
Suddenly, the yiga realises in an instant what's troubling Link.
The way he fumbles with his belt buckle frantically; how his knees are practically glued together; the look of agony on his face... he's going to-
Sweet Hylia's tits.
It's as if the footsoldier really is a real tree - or maybe a statue is a better comparison - as he finds himself completely paralysed. It's fight, flight or freeze; and the minute Link's dick is freed from his greaves the freeze kicks in.
Well... he guesses he might be the first yiga to see the hero's junk.
Link aims at the roots and the inevitable heat hits him like molten lava.
With a very audible hissing, the hero stands there in the bushes, relieving himself on a yiga-tree.
The footsoldier's brain goes to chu chu jelly. All thoughts exit out of his ears, replaced solely with the feeling of Link's hot piss running down his tights. He even aims a little higher at points, and it starts to splatter against his hips and crotch too.
"Aahh.."
It's obviously been a much needed potty break, because it's downpouring out of Link, showing no signs of waning in intensity.
At some point around the five second mark, the yiga somewhat regains his conscious thought. Enough to notice Link has started to hum a quiet tune and the corners of his mouth show the faintest hint of a smile.
That's cute. Why is that fucking cute? The hero is soaking him in piss and he's somehow being fucking cute.
Briefly, he wonders if he should turn back now. Catching Link mid piss, dick out, is perhaps the most effective ambush he can think of. But to be honest, it's embarrassing for both of them.
If he wins, he'll have to live with the fact he let the hero piss on him for a solid fifteen seconds before he made the kill. If Link wins, he'll forever be bound to the knowledge that he was peeing on some random guy in the forest. Admittedly, he doesn't want that for either of them.
Also, he sort of wants Link to continue.
Who said that?
Eventually Link's stream finally starts to taper off. The colossal pee soon winds down to a delicate little trickle. Link seems to look down and admire his work at painting the tree bark and the grass. He gives another satisfied sigh as he shakes off the final droplets and tucks his length back into his pants, his bladder finally relieved.
There's a noticeable pep in his step now. It's like he's a different person to the hylian from just a minute ago, bursting and in deep discomfort. He steps away, turning his back to the soaked yiga (who cannot even think about ambushing anymore). Link walks back out on to the path and pulls out the Purah pad, tapping on it one or twice. He gives a nod of his head and just like that, he's disappeared in a burst of scattered blue light.
When the footsoldier finally changes back, he decides first he will head to lake Floria and furiously try and scrub the smell of urine out of his uniform.
Secondly, he decides he will sit and ponder life, and maybe scream, and maybe jerk himself off.
Potentially in that order.
... Can trees get erections?