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Achi had wondered sometimes what it would be like to kiss Karan. He clearly had thoughts about kissing Achi and it made Achi curious. But also nervous. Would Achi be bad at it? Would they both like it? Would Achi completely embarrass himself?
And yet, somehow all those swirling thoughts simply melted away when he saw Karan waiting for him on the rooftop that day. It was the most natural thing - to want to lean in close, to want to do something with Karan he had never done with anyone else before.
Because he had never cared for anyone else like this before.
When Karan thought I want to kiss Achi. Achi thought I want to kiss him too.
It was almost like the first time he dunked himself underwater. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and took the plunge. The thrill of taking that step, finally being brave, was the same, but so much else wasn’t. Instead of a shock of cold, it was an electrifying feeling of warmth. Achi was simply lost to how good it all felt, the softness of Karan’s lips, the solidness of his hands on Achi’s waist, the low breathy noises Karan made.
When they finally stopped, more than anything to take another breath and to check in with each other, Karan was clearly so elated. His thoughts said so, but so did his face. Achi felt the same. It was actually difficult to tell which were his own feelings and which were Karan’s feelings, but at that point, he finally understood. It didn’t matter. That was the reason for kissing, for being close - to share their feelings for one another in a way they both could feel them.
Can I kiss you again?
Achi found himself nodding immediately. He couldn’t imagine saying no to this ever again.
This time it was Karan kissing Achi. This time Karan’s movements were solid and sure, no longer caught off guard, no longer melting into Achi’s movements. This time, Karan was moving his lips in a way that made Achi feel like he might not be able to keep his legs from buckling if this continued for too much longer.
Of course, when he heard scuffling feet at the other end of the walkway, Achi immediately crashed down to Earth. He pulled away, startled and wide-eyed. Karan laughed, still somehow so easy and relaxed. Achi couldn’t help but drop his face to Karan’s jacket.
They’re way on the other side of the roof.
“I know,” Achi said, but he still shifted to peek over Karan’s shoulder to see if there was anyone else there with them. There were a few people all the way on the other side who hadn't been there before. They likely hadn’t noticed them, at least not yet.
Achi had never lost all his self-consciousness like that before. It was kind of exciting and kind of terrifying.
After satisfactorily determining that despite foolishly kissing in public they hadn’t been seen, Achi took a step back. Karan raised his eyebrows, tilting forward a bit as if he was following Achi's movement.
Does that mean we’re done?
Achi frowned. “Yes,” he hissed. “We can’t just make out up here while people are around.”
I don’t really care who’s around. I’m still back at the fact that you kissed me.
Karan was beaming. It pleased Achi that he was so happy about it, but it also made Achi feel self-conscious once again. This was all new and he wasn’t sure how to act. “Don’t tease me too much about it. I don’t know what I’m doing,” he said.
Karan touched Achi’s face. “It was the best kiss I’ve ever had because it was with you.”
Karan’s words so easily smoothed over Achi’s momentary uncertainty. It was a little confusing how Achi's emotions could vacillate so wildly, but he was learning that building his confidence with Karan was sometimes two steps forward, one step back. Still, that meant when Achi felt propelled forward, he needed to take the leap wholeheartedly.
Achi looked past Karan again, locating the other party on the roof who were fortunately still too far away to hear them. “That’s too bad,” he said, grabbing the lapels of Karan’s coat. “I was going to say that we could practice until I feel confident about it.”
Karan swallowed hard, surprise flickering in his eyes. He grabbed Achi’s wrists gently. “No matter how good something is, there is always room for improvement. I couldn’t in good conscience get in the way of our progress in that area.”
“Of course,” Achi said, biting back a smile. “We both are committed to doing our best. So maybe we shouldn’t wait any longer.”
Karan responded immediately, taking Achi’s hand and leading him to the door back into the building.
The trip down to Karan's car was tense and excruciating. It was hard not to stare at Karan's lips. They didn't touch the rest of the way out, only standing next to each other in the elevator and accompanying each other outside of the building, but Achi could feel Karan's presence more than ever before. Achi wasn’t even sure who moved toward the other first when they got into Karan’s car. The immediate feeling of privacy seemed to propel them toward one another. It was like before, their hands lightly on each other, their lips touching carefully, slowly. Their bodies were separated even more so by the car console, but that didn’t seem to bother either of them in the least. They kept up like this, lost in the feeling together. Achi could not say how long it was before his mind came back to the present, but he somewhat regretted blurting out the first thought that came to him. “If we stay here too long we’ll get stuck in traffic.”
“Oh no, we can’t spend that much time in this car without kissing,” Karan said with a laugh.
When they got to the parking garage of Karan’s building their lips found each other again, this time for quite a bit longer. Karan’s mind was quiet, just as it had been on the roof, as if he was lost in the moment as much as Achi was.
It was surprising how it could feel so good and that feeling somehow didn’t lessen the longer they kissed. It actually got better. Achi quickly learned how Karan tended to move as he kissed Achi and he could respond, parting for breaths, pressing in close when they were both ready for more.
Achi imagined this was what it felt like to be a teenager who was first in love, sneaking away to be together in a private place. But first love wasn’t just for teenagers, and if anything, this was so much more. For the first time, instead of thinking of those years in regret of all that Achi missed, he was so grateful to experience all this when he was ready for it. When he could be with the right person. All those steps he thought were missing were waiting for Achi. It just took him a little longer to get here. And it was all worth the wait.
“What are you thinking?” Karan asked in a low voice, after they parted again. He was holding Achi’s face, gently stroking the side. “Is this okay?”
“It’s nice,” Achi said, warmth spreading over his face. The raw truth still felt a bit embarrassing, but Karan had no choice in Achi hearing what Karan was thinking when they were like this, so Achi was determined to try to be as open as possible. “I was thinking that these have been really excellent first kisses. Ones that were worth waiting for.”
Karan gave him a little crooked smile, clearly very pleased. “Yes, they were.”
The pause allowed Achi to glance at the dash clock. It was getting late. It was foolish for them to stay here any longer no matter how good it felt. “But maybe we should go upstairs now?”
It looked to be a suggestion Karan somehow had not expected. His expression became more solemn as he let out a sigh, but his thoughts came at Achi like a tidal wave.
If we go upstairs, how will I control my reactions? I don’t want Achi to feel pressured, but I’m feeling completely incensed. I’m barely keeping my hands steady. I don’t know how to even manage everything I want right now. I don’t want to scare Achi.
“Breathe,” Achi said, leaning into Karan and pressing their foreheads together. “I’m feeling overwhelmed too. But you won’t scare me, Karan.”
I never want to do anything you aren’t ready for. I only want you to feel good about us. And I don’t know what you’re thinking…
“I know. I know that’s really hard for you. I promise, I’ll tell you.”
Karan nodded slowly, exhaling loudly. “Okay, I can do this.”
“I’m glad we’ve established you can walk upstairs with me. I didn’t really want to have to figure out how to go back to my place tonight,” Achi said.
“I’m sorry, what place? I don’t know the place you are speaking of. That does not exist.”
“Ohhh,” Achi said, nodding. “Okay then, I best head up stairs with you. I clearly don’t have an apartment where I live to go to.”
Karan forced a small smile, but his shoulders relaxed a bit. Their little light teasing of each other seemed to take the edge of of things.
In all honesty, Achi felt a huge wave of relief from this exchange. His biggest fear was that Achi’s mind reading would make Karan uncomfortable enough that he would want to distance himself, but even if there were moments where they were figuring out how to manage it, Karan was still always at his side.
“Why are you smiling like that?” Karan asked as they got to the door to his apartment.
Achi hadn’t realized he had been smiling like a fool. Still, he had made a promise. “I’m really happy to be here with you.”
“Good,” Karan said, giving Achi a smile in return, but there was still a tightness around his eyes. That tension that came over him before had not dissipated.
Dinner was quiet. Karan seemed to be lost in thought. Even when Achi said his name, he didn’t respond. “Karan,” Achi said again, this time grasping his hand, only intending to get his attention, but being hit again with a wall of Karan’s racing thoughts.
Focus, Karan. Focus. Things that are not sexy or romantic. Things that annoy me. Gum on my shoe. The store being out of my favorite flavor yogurt. Missing the elevator by only seconds. Tanaka-san staying late when I want to go home with Achi. Work. No, not work. Work is romantic. Work is where Achi smiles at me across the room. Work is where I can lean just close enough to Achi to be able to smell the faint hint of Achi’s soap whenever I want. No, no. Think of something else. Think of something else. Think of something else.
Karan looked up from his plate and his eyes grew wide, understanding of what Achi’s touch meant dawning on him. “I think I should go take a shower. A cold one.”
“Karan-,” Achi said, trying to stop him, but he was already closing the bathroom door.
Achi busied himself by cleaning up after dinner. He knew Karan would have wanted to help, but these were unusual circumstances and Karan obviously needed some time to clear his head. Achi’s worries about Karan distancing himself resurfaced, but ultimately if Karan wanted him to stay the night, it meant he wanted to try to figure out how to manage all of this together.
Achi didn’t argue when Karan shoved a towel at him and said it was his turn to take a shower. When Achi was finished, Karan was curled up in bed, his eyes closed. Achi scoffed. He couldn’t believe it. Karan was trying to avoid him. Did Karan really think that would work? That was Achi’s move. He had invented it.
“Oh no, Karan’s already asleep?” Achi said to himself aloud. “Guess I should give him a quick kiss good night then. I wonder if I’ll see what he’s dreaming about.”
Karan’s eyes shot open. “Achi!” he said, when he realized that Achi was on the other side of the bed, nowhere near him.
Achi was lying on his side with his hands under his head to prop himself up while facing Karan. “I thought you were going to trust me.”
“You’re the one I trust the most.”
Achi scooted closer, halving the distance between them. “And you’re the one I trust the most.” Seeing Karan had not flinched or moved, Achi scooted again so he was right in front of Karan. “So please believe me when I say that I want us to handle this together.”
Karan looked back at him, still looking concerned.
More than anything Achi wanted to break the tension. He raised his fist between them. “Don’t make me get tough with you.”
“Achi, that really does not help this situation one bit.”
Achi looked down at his fist. “You like me tough? You want me to rough you up a bit?”
“Achi!” Karan said, covering his face. “Please, I’m begging you.”
Achi laughed and settled back in next to Karan again, the small space between them still feeling like a sprawling cavern. And yet, Karan still gave him these little life lines that Achi wanted to grab and pull to bring him closer.
“I like knowing that,” Achi said, unable to hide the amusement in his voice.
“Knowing what? That I’m deranged?” Karan asked.
Achi shook his head. “No, that you want to be mauled by me.”
Karan twisted his face into his pillow. “Well that isn’t news,” he said, his voice muffled.
“I like seeing you flustered like this. What if I want to maul you too?”
Karan peeked an eye out from the pillow. “I’m sorry, what?”
“I’m not saying I’m ready for everything, but I like the idea of kissing my boyfriend in his bed.”
Karan made that heavy exhale noise again.
“At this point I'm not surprised if you think about us being physically close. I get it. I think about it too.”
“You do?” Karan asked, now turning on his side to look at Achi.
Achi nodded. “I just need time. And I know you’ll give it to me. I don’t want for us to feel like we can never touch each other again, just when we figured out the kissing part.”
“I don’t want that either, Achi,” Karan said, sitting up.
“And you know what, so far your mind is quietest when we’re kissing,” Achi said.
“Really?”
Achi nodded. “I think we both could use a little quiet.”
The look in Karan’s eyes shifted to something a little more intense. Maybe it was Achi’s firm resolve that being close like this would be okay, that they would work this out. Achi had never been more certain about anything. He hadn’t realized how worried Karan was about this. Achi wished he had told Karan how he felt about his thoughts sooner.
Karan moved forward, leaning down until their lips pressed gently. He was still cautious, but his kisses quickly became fuller, more open. It was just as good as it had been earlier, but there was an ease between them Achi hadn’t quite felt before. He couldn’t help but reach out and pull Karan toward him.
Karan didn’t take much urging, laying down fully next to Achi. It still was quiet in Karan’s mind, only a feeling mingling between them that Achi wasn’t completely sure if it was Karan’s reaction or his own. It didn’t matter anymore.
Kissing like this allowed them to be even closer than before. It was warm and secure, like Achi was being pulled into Karan, wrapped up in all the emotions Karan felt for Achi. Their hands found their way around each other’s bodies, their feet sliding against one another.
Achi was feeling so much it was hard to really comprehend it. It was a little bit nervous, a little bit excited, a little bit of something new that seemed to electrify his body. Achi’s lips tingled with the continued contact. His body craved more touch. Even though it was overwhelming, it was good. Amazing, even.
Achi grasped at the material on Karan’s pajamas and pulled him closer, bringing their bodies together more. Their thighs were now touching and Karan’s hands were on Achi’s back, gently stroking up and down his spine.
Achi shivered. Another new reaction that felt both unbelievably good and also sparked an unfamiliar ache inside of him, a feeling of desperation, of neediness he had not known he was even capable of feeling. Even being this close to Karan wouldn't be enough to satisfy it.
“Is this okay?” Karan whispered. He must have felt Achi’s body tense. “Do you want to stop?”
“No,” Achi said, grasping on Karan’s shirt. “You touching me like that just…made my whole body react.”
“Yeah?” Karan asked. He still looked concerned, but he sounded somewhat pleased at this. “In a good way?”
“Yes, in a good way.”
I can’t believe I can make Achi feel good like this. It’s all I ever wanted.
There was a little flash in Karan’s mind, him shifting so he was full-bodied pressed against Achi, moving down each other’s necks with kisses, gasping breaths.
Achi’s heart thrummed. He wasn’t even certain of what exactly he wanted, but he knew he wanted what Karan just showed him. “Yes, do that,” Achi said, pulling on Karan’s shirt.
Karan’s eyes got wider. “Wait, what did you see? I think a lot of things, Achi, you have to be specific.”
Achi laughed. “Our bodies fully pressed together. Neck kissing.”
“Oh,” he said. “So you’ve seen some things and are okay?” There was another flick through Karan’s mind of the two of them, fully undressed, clearly many steps beyond where they were at the moment.
Achi touched Karan’s face. “Yes, I have. I told you, it’s okay. I think of it sometimes too. We’ll decide when we’re both ready for that. And until then, I can handle you thinking about it.”
“I definitely want to wait until you’re ready, Achi.”
“I know. I know that. It isn’t like I don’t like the idea of it. It’s just big. It feels like a big deal.”
“I know,” Karan said, caressing Achi’s face in the most gentle way. It made Achi's heart ache. He knew Karan would only ever treat him carefully. It’s why he felt brave enough to keep this up. It’s why he wanted to be together to whatever extent Achi felt able. Achi wanted to be this close to him, to know Karan this way. To share things that Achi had never shared with anyone before.
If he was being honest with himself, Achi was more worried about losing the mind-reading than having sex. He already knew that being with Karan that way would be special. He could already see how Karan wanted to care for him, touch him, love him. The problem was, that once the mind-reading was gone, Achi wouldn’t see that anymore. And Achi wasn’t sure if he could handle everything that came with that. Achi couldn’t bear the thought that he might be less of what Karan deserved if Achi no longer had direct access to his thoughts.
“Are you tired?” Karan asked, now stroking Achi’s hair slowly. “We can go to sleep.”
I’ll try to sleep, if I can.
“You don’t sound tired.”
“I’m not. But I can let you rest if you are.”
“I’m not either,” Achi said. “I meant what I said before. About what I saw in there,” he said, gently tapping Karan’s temple.
Karan raised his eyebrows, still seeming to disbelieve him. But Achi nodded again and that additional confirmation was finally enough to allow Karan to let go of his hesitation. He quickly moved, kissing Achi and pushing forward enough to shift Achi onto his back.
Karan was above Achi, but still hovering a bit. Still so very careful. The kissing started again, Karan moving his mouth down Achi’s chin and then to his neck. It was warm and tingly. It built a frenetic energy inside him that he couldn’t contain. He kept sliding his foot on the sheets and grasping at Karan’s back just to relieve some of the tension.
Achi would have been perfectly happy with this, but it was exciting to know that they were doing things Karan had imagined and wanted and the closeness felt so good. He had meant that they should do what he had seen, even if Karan still seemed somewhat hesitant.
Achi pulled on Karan’s shoulders, trying to bring him closer until he toppled onto Achi. The distance wasn’t far, so the impact wasn’t hard. But lying together like this was most definitely very different from any way they had touched before. Their pajamas were soft and thin so once they were fully pressed against each other, Achi could feel parts of Karan's body for the first time. The firmness of his chest, the solid weight of Karan on him and something else, something Achi hadn’t even considered. Karan was hard pressed against his thigh. And even more surprising, Achi was hard too.
Karan’s eyes widened in surprise and he pulled his hands from around Achi’s shoulders, clearly about to push himself off Achi’s body, but Achi grasped onto him. Achi raised his head, stretching to meet Karan’s mouth, kissing him fully again, reassuring him again.
There was something really amazing about being like this - the lack of any space between them. Yes, it made Achi extremely nervous. He had never experienced any of this before. But now, there was no more avoiding, no more pushing away. The truth was clear. They wanted each other like this. Their bodies wouldn’t allow them to hide it.
“Achi,” Karan murmured his name through kisses. “Are you sure this is okay?”
Achi appreciated that Karan was going to keep asking. This must have felt like another step and yes, the reality as opposed to the imagined was so much more intense, but it was still nice.
Achi nodded, this time kissing Karan again, this time moving his mouth down to Karan’s neck, mirroring Karan’s previous kisses. Karan made a noise, a wonderful gasp. It was encouraging to hear how he reacted outwardly and inwardly. His mind was swirling with reactions. Neither very verbal, but definitely positive.
Achi wasn’t exactly sure how it started, but the way they had been kissing and moving ended up becoming more rhythmic, pressing against each other in ways that felt really good.
“Achi, Achi, Achi,” Karan said, in a sort of alarming way. He put distance between them, gasping with his eyes closed.
“What’s wrong?” Achi asked.
Karan’s mind was skittering fast and furious; it was almost too much for Achi to comprehend.
“Oh, oh,” Achi said once it all seemed to settle. “I’m okay if that happens, Karan.”
“But that is sex, Achi. I guess there are technicalities here and we have no manual on how this magic works, but even if it has only to do with what you experience, you are still part of it if that happens to me.” He looked deep into Achi’s eyes. “It means something important to me.”
Achi’s heart twisted in ways he didn’t think was possible. His feelings for Karan were well beyond what he had thought he could feel for someone and here Karan was, somehow being even more lovable, even more worthy of all the affection that Achi wanted to give him. “I understand,” Achi said. “I wouldn’t want you to do something you aren't ready for either.”
It isn’t that I’m not ready. I want to be with you like that more than anything, but I don’t want it to be an accident. I want you to want to be with me that way.
Ah. Achi got it now. This was so complicated. People make sex out to be this simple thing, but it wasn’t at all. Achi spoke slowly, carefully. He wanted Karan to understand him fully. “I don’t think I’m ready to experience that myself yet. But, I would be happy, excited even, if you wanted that to happen for you while I was with you, and if I could be the one to make you feel that way.”
Karan let out a shaky breath. He was searching Achi’s face, still seeming uncertain. So Achi decided to show him. He moved, shifting so his leg was between Karan’s thighs. He gave some gentle pressure, the movement of his thigh pressing against Karan’s erection. Karan moaned at the contact, low and slow. It was such a shocking, yet wonderful sound.
“Achi,” Karan gasped, but his mind was rattling. Is this really okay, are you sure you want this, is it terrible that I don’t want this to stop?
“Shhhh,” Achi said, kissing Karan softly. “This isn’t terrible. It’s wonderful.”
Karan closed his eyes, falling into Achi’s kiss, his body finally seeming to relax into Achi. As he let go, his mind stopped being so chaotic, finally simply vibrating with his feelings again. Achi raised his thigh a little more and Karan let out a high pitched noise. It was enough to encourage Achi to keep going, even grasping onto Karan’s hip and pulling him closer.
Finally Karan seemed to give into it. He moved his body against Achi’s thigh, grasping onto Achi’s arm, kissing him over and over again. And then suddenly, he tensed, his arm flexing, his grip tightening, his head dropping to Achi’s chest as his body quivered.
Achi had never really thought what it would be like - to be with someone when they came. It was like nothing he had ever seen. Achi's throat was tight. He was instantly hit with how close he felt to Karan in that moment, being allowed to see that, do that with him.
“Thank you,” Achi said, moving so he could kiss Karan’s head softly.
Karan was still gasping, still holding on tight, but he finally let go to move back and meet Achi’s gaze. “I’m fairly certain I should be the one saying thank you.”
“I mean it,” Achi said. “I appreciate how you’ve never pressured me about this. You’re always just there, right wherever I am. Right where I need you, willing to let me figure it out. And then seeing you like that. Being able to make you feel that way. I’ve never felt this close to anyone else before.”
“I haven’t either,” he said, pulling Achi close and tucking his head into the crook of Achi’s neck. He inhaled deeply, seeming to try to breathe in the feeling between them.
I’ve never felt this good before.
Achi couldn’t help but smile at that. It was the best feeling in the world to know he could make Karan as happy as he made Achi.
“Me too,” he said, and squeezed Karan tight, determined to hold onto him like this for as long as Karan would allow.
Achi knew the coming weeks would be difficult. Not just starting the position at the new branch, but them being apart and keeping this feeling of closeness. But he got it now - Karan’s certainty about them. This was special. It was something Achi had never thought he’d have, but now that he did, he wanted so badly to keep it.
Achi still felt uncertain. He still wasn’t exactly sure how he would do any of these things. But the way Karan believed in Achi made him start to believe in himself too. He was ready to take the risk.
Achi finally knew exactly what he wanted and was brave enough to go after it.