Work Text:
Hi Nicole,
There was an assembly about you today.
They really went all out, a black and white version of your yearbook photo was on the board, they even left a few flowers around it.
They talked to us about you, they told us things like “We just wished we could have helped her sooner..” or “She was troublesome but still..she’ll be missed.”
What the fuck kind of speech is that?
But anyways, they invited students up to speak about you. It was funny because as I listened to everything they said about you all I could think was, “God Nicole would hate this.”
Ari went up, great I know. She went on and on about how much you meant to her and how you were her first girlfriend and how she'll always love you. It was weird to see because when you were here she went around saying how awful you were and being all passive aggressive towards you, but now that you’re gone..
And everyone cheered for her, they began to tear up a little bit as she described how she cared and loved you so much, not one mention of your abuse, nothing. It was kinda surreal to listen to but I couldn’t tell if she wasn't mentioning the bad parts out of grief or because she really didn't care.
Kelly looked at me during the assembly like she was expecting something. I think she wanted me to go up and talk about you, and I tried. But I couldn’t.
I stepped up in front of our school, my hands on the mic but I couldn’t say anything. Everytime I tried to talk, nothing came out. It felt so fucking stupid, what did they even want me to say up there? Everyone knew I cared about you so what else matters, why do they wanna know?
Why do they care about you now?
I cried. You're such a dumb bitch making me cry at school.
I tried to talk about you but nothing worked so I just cried and when I looked out into the bleachers a few people were crying as well. And that pissed me off.
They aren’t allowed to miss you, I am. I saw coach Colby tearing up, he couldn’t have been sad. He wouldn’t miss you, he would miss your body. I saw Crispin sobbing, he didn’t even know you..not like I did. How can men cry over a girl they don’t even know, why are they sad, they won’t really miss you. Everybody will forget in a week, I won't though.
They sent me to the counselor afterwards and I think that was my breaking point, he kept like, rubbing my shoulders and telling me I could tell him how I really felt about you. And it's like stop touching me and let me be sad in peace. He finally let me go after an hour of pestering me, trying to get me to open up but I was still pissed off. Of course our school would handle this bad though, they handled you bad when you went there.
I was gonna go back to class but I just couldn’t. A few kids stopped me in the hallway, they had asked me if you overdosed, they seemed so wide eyed and excited like you were just the new gossip to them. Anyways, I told them to fuck off and that scared them enough.
On my way to my locker I ran into Emily, she seemed sad. I don't..know much about the two of you or how close you were but she hugged me. She held on really long, to. When she finally let go I looked back at her and swore I saw you for a second. And I think she saw you in me as well.
Well I got home and yeah.
I don't even know why i'm writing this honestly, you won't see it, you can’t talk to me about it, we can't be together again. I don’t know if there's an afterlife or if you can somehow see this but a part of me hopes you can’t. It's embarrassing how much I loved you. How much I love you, actually. Your death won’t stop my feelings.
There’s a lot of things I needed to tell you I didn’t get the time to. When you say youre going to kill yourself everyday it kind of loses its value, I never thought you meant it. I feel bad for you because you were more than suicidal. Like every girl wants to kill themselves but you were more intense than that. We didn’t talk about serious stuff that much but I could still tell. No girl who does drugs AND cuts themselves is normal.
I started smoking inside.
Yeah I know it’s bad but when I was really sad I thought “what would Nicole do..” and the first few things that came to mind were crimes so I had to settle for something else. You never gave a fuck about anything or any rules, I didn’t want to either so I smoked in my room. You know the picture of us I have on my dresser? I left a cigarette next to it. I loved smoking with you.
I stood across from the picture looking at you, and looking at the cigarette I left next to it. It felt like I was waiting for you to light it. But of course you didn’t, A picture can’t smoke. Just like a picture can’t laugh, a picture can't cry, a picture can't bully Jeffery with me. All a picture can do is stare at me, and remind me of you.
But I guess it doesn’t matter because I can’t do anything for you now.
I think that's what makes this all so awful.
I should’ve been there for you, I should’ve done more for you. How do you even go about asking your best friend something like that?
“Hey do you wanna kill yourself?” Like that's so awkward.
I hope you don’t regret knowing me. I hope I was something good for you because you really needed it. I wouldn’t have said you were “good for me” but..I did like you. That one night I got way too drunk at Kelly’s party and tried to kiss you..you would have let me.
That sucks. We could’ve been so much more, I know you liked me. I was just too afraid to say anything at the end of the day.
Your mom gave me some of your clothes. I'm wearing your jacket right now and it really smells like you. There was a xanax in the pocket as well, probably came from me. I didn’t take it though, it’s like a little part of you..I want to keep it for myself. This jacket really feels like you, its nice, but it’s making me tired.
You were one of the hottest bitches I knew and I don’t care what anybody else says about you because I know you. They don't get to say your name when they disrespected it before, but I do, I can still say your name, because I always loved it.
I miss you.
With love,
Jecka.