Chapter Text
After a whole week without contact, no text, no message, nothing, Jaebeom drinks too much again and writes Jinyoung what he hopes deserves to be called an apology.
I'm sorry.
I'm stupid, and selfich, and jealous. And many other despicable things that makes me question why you would ever want me at all.
But I don’t want you to replace me. Don’t want to share you with anybody. Don’t want you to make yourself another family while you have one here, even if things changed, even if it’s not the same as before.
I know how much you loved it when we were altogether back then, when we all lived in the dorm. How much you loved it to make a last round of goodnights, going to each room to be sure that everyone was feeling ok. How you relished in those rare days off, when we were all stretched too thin, when our bodies screamed for rest and we decided to stay home, and we ordered food and huddled on the big couch under our duvets to watch movies.
I know how much you miss that.
I know, because I do, too.
And I also know how hard it was for you when things began to change, when Youngjae left first, when we began to leave the nest, one by one. And I’m only scared that you want to have that back if you can, even with other people.
I’m afraid that now that you’re surrounded with other guys, you’ll understand how lacking I am. How much more you deserve.
I’m afraid I’m not good enough to make you want to stay.
And I’m so sorry.
A single message replies his long, heartfelt text : « I'll be having a few days off last week, coming back home. »
Jaebeom, heart beating wildly and hope skyrocketing, types back « I'll be waiting for you. »
Which, well, he does.
But Jinyoung doesn't call or text after that. Jaebeom is literaly dying with anticipation, expecting Jinyoung to at least warn him of the day he would arrive.
Which, well, he doesn't.
So Jaebeom keeps on waiting.
Maybe Jinyoung wants his arrival to be a surprise ? Maybe he plans to show up like « Tadaaaaaa !!! ».
Jaebeom decides to clean his appartment thoroughly just in case. He wants everything to be perfect when Jinyoung will finally be here. He is surprised and a bit shocked when, in the middle of folding his laundry, the first pic appears on IG, the one with Kim Go Eun and that other guy from Yumi's cell. His stomach makes a funny weird move, elated to finally have a glimpse of his Jinyoungie out of his military universe, but appaled to realize that he is already here, in Seoul, having fun with friends.
Friends who aren't his members.
Friends who aren't him.
Jaebeom doesn't know what to do with this information. Rather naively, he'd really thought that Jinyoung would come and knock at his door first thing after he'd stepped a foot in town. Or at least call him to meet at Yugyeom's or Youngjae's.
Jaebeom keeps on waiting, then.
Not wanting to bother Jinyoung.
More pics come, Jinyoung having fun with other friends at BH, looking boyish and lovely. He definitely didn't change much in all the years they'd known each other. Jaebeom's heart aches to know that Jinyoung is so close, but chooses to stay away from him.
He waits a bit more, and a bit more, mood as grey and miserable as the gloomy october sky.
Pics of Jinyoung on his way to Jinhae appear on IG.
He's already gone.
Jaebeom doesn't know if his heart is still beating with how broken it feels.
And then, a call comes.
Not from Jinyoung, though.
« Hyung ! » Yugyeom excited voice shrieks in the speaker. « Can you bring some beer on your way tomorrow? I forgot to buy some ! »
« Beer ? On my way ? » Jaebeom frowns, trying to remember if they'd planned something he forgot.
« Well, you know, Jinyoung-hyung must have told you when he went to see you, right ? »
Jaebeom feels a bit sick.
«Jinyoung didn't came to see me. » He says, tone flat.
Yugyeom pauses at the other end of the line.
« What. » He murmured. « You mean, you didn't see him, like, at all ? »
« I didn't. He seemed to have a lot of friends to catch up with. » Jaebeom answers, and it stings. He feels so dejected, so disappointed.
« Oh. » Yugyeom, for once, doesn't have a smartass answer to give. « Well, he called me to say that we should all meet when he comes back from Jinhae and before he goes back, so I got everything ready for tomorrow. Youngjae will come, too. But I forgot the beer. Can you please bring some ? » He asks, cautious. And then, suddenly worried. « You'll come, right ? You don't have anything else planned, right ? »
Jaebeom ponders. What is all that about ? What is going on, really ? He is so mad now he is tempted to pretend to have something planned, just to give Jinyoung a taste of his own medicine.
Would he be able to live with that after, though ?
Would he be able to endure some more months of no contact, of unanswered questions, regretting his choices and basking in his own misery ?
Would the satisfaction of crushing Jinyoung's expectations be worth it ?
The answer is no.
Jaebeom is dying to see Jinyoung, even for a short while, even if Jinyoung had made it very clear that Jaebeom isn't one of his priorities. No matter how much it hurts and how mad Jaebeom is, Jinyoung will always, forever be at the top of his own list.
« Of course I'll come. » He answers Yugyeom, who'd gone silent. He can hear the sigh of relief from their youngest's mouth.
« Good. I'm glad. » He says, but Jaebeom can tell that he is still weirded out by the fact that Jinyoung hasn't come to visit Jaebeom at all. « It's gonna be great, hyung, you'll see. The four of us, together. Maybe we can try to skype Jacks and Mark-hyung and Bammie ? » He asks tentatively, as if to try and soothe Jaebeom's damaged ego.
« Yeah, maybe we can do that. See you tomorrow, Gyeom-ah. I'll bring the beer. »
When he walks into Yugyeom's hallway the next day, he's a mess. He does his best to hide it under a cool, relaxed attitude. Yugyeom welcomes him with a half hug, and takes the beer he brought to the fridge, telling him that everybody's already here. Jaebeom enters the living room, and he pauses, as he takes the scene before him in. There are one of their oldest backdancers and a choregrapher hyung they've worked with for half of their lives. Youngjae is explaining something with much gesticulations, and beside him, Jinyoung is already laughing so hard his eyes are glossy. He watches the scene with bated breath, staring at Jinyoung so hard he must feel it, and their eyes meet for a few seconds of intense contact. Jinyoung's smile melts a bit into something softer, and he must see something on Jaebeom's face that makes his expression go regretful, apologetic.
He seems to get himself together, leaving Youngjae's side as the younger doesn't notice and keeps on talking excitedly, and crosses the room until he stops in front of Jaebeom who hasn't moved, heart in his throat and feeling like a lovesick fool.
« Hyung. » He says lowly.
« Jinyoung-ah. » Jaebeom croaks. They keep on staring at each other, and Jinyoung finally sighs, lowering his gaze.
« Listen, I- » He's cut by a squeal, and two strong, long arms engulf them both, pushing them against each other without leaving them any time to prepare themselves, and Yugyeom is chuckling.
« Ah, I'm so happy to have both of you in the same room again ! My JJP parents are back~ ~ ~!!! I missed this so much !» The maknae singsongs, squeazing them a last time for good measure and then letting them go, sauntering to his other guests. Jaebeom, who'd caught Jinyoung's waist in his embrace by instinct when they were shoved against each other, doesn't realease his hold, and Jinyoung finds himself with his face stuck in the crook of Jaebeom's neck. Jaebeom doesn't know wether he should kill Yugyeom or thank him, because what the hell?! But then, Jinyoung seems to relax and he inhales softly, his arms coming naturally around Jaebeom's strong shoulders.
« I missed this too. » He whispers, and tightens his hugs.
Jaebeom is a bit lost tere, but he'd be damned if he let this oportunity to tell Jinyoung how he feels go. He reciprocate the hug warmly.
« Me too. I missed you. So much. »
Jinyoung lets go then, his face pink and so close to Jaebeom's. He looks at him right in the eyes, and smiles genuinely.
« We're going to enjoy our time all together, okay ? And then, maybe, we could go for a coffee, just the two of us ? I think we need to talk. »
Jaebeom's guts froze. Jinyoung can tell. Of course he can. He 's quick to shake his head.
« Don't overthink, okay ? Let's have a beer, hyung. We deserve it, and the others are waiting for us. »
Jinyoung takes his hands and leads him to the small group. Between the beers, the presence of three of his members (which feels like a luxury, these days) and the overall good company, he soon relaxes. Jinyoung's hand in his, and the fact that he's litteraly glued to his side helps, soothing for now the ache in his heart like nothing else could do. They end up having a really, really good time, Jinyoung telling them some funny anecdotes from his everyday life in the army, Youngjae and Yugyeom sharing about their upcoming albums, and time passes by like it always does when things are good and warm and comfy. Youngjae is the first to go, his radio broadcoast waiting for him. He hugs Jinyoung tight and long, and Jaebeom is suddenly left teary eyed and depressed. Then Yugyeom and their dancer hyung have to go for an event of some sorts, and their choregrapher must go home for diner with his family. Jinyoung and Jaebeom find themselves in the streets after Yugyeom hugged them both, sweet and kind, four times each. When Jaebeom looks at him like he's lost his mind, the younger shrugs and grins. « I'm taking the hugs for the others. I'll probably see Bammie and Mark soon, so I'll give it to them. » He says, as if it's the logical thing to do. Jinyoung laughs at that, cooing at him and ruffling his hair.
Then they're alone.
« Coffee ? » Jinyoung asks, suddenly nervous, if Jaebeom can guess with the way he shoves his hands in his pockets. Jaebeom hums and nods.
They stop at the corner of the street, where Yugyeom usually goes for coffee. It's a small shop, and it suits them both. They order, and wait for their cups to be set on the table before Jinyoung begins to talk.
« You probably haven't figured out why I didn't contact you, have you ? » He asks in a soft, low voice. Like Jaebeom's gonna get mad, like he's going to be scolded. Jaebeom's heart clenches painfully in his chest .
« Well, I'm a bit dense but at least I figured you weren't as impatient to see me as I was to see you. » Jaebeom answers flatly, busying himself with a first sip of his cappuccino.
Jinyoung huffs and drags a hand through his hair, looking by the window.
« The others always tease about the way we communicate without words, how good we are to understand each other. » He states, and then he looks at his hands, around his cup of coffee. He laughs bitterly. « I've never felt so far from this, ever. » He adds, and he looks miserable. Jaebeom doesn't want him sad, never, so he reaches out, his hand coming to rest on Jinyoung's wrist. He's afraid that Jinyoung will shrug it off, but he doesn't, instead wrapping his other hand on Jaebeom's.
« Listen, I- I think it's better if I talk first, and then you can tell me whatever you want, okay ? »
Jaebeom nods sternly.
« You've made me really, really mad. You know that ? »
Jaebeom winces, and he nods again.
« I mean, well, I never thought you could imagine things like that, never thought you'd let your insecurities win against the trust between us. Never thought you could think I would choose someone else over you just because you weren't by my side. You'll always, always, no matter what or where or when, be the one I choose. I want you to know that, I want you to believe that, against anything you can see or hear. You are my person, Jaebeom. »
Jinyoung's eyes are shining, and Jaebeom doesn't know what he'd done to deserve Jinyoung, but he'dbe ready to endure whatever he'd gone through these last weeks a thousand times if it's to have Jinyoung confessing his feelings for him like that, emotional and raw.
But Jinyoung isn't done yet.
« So I was like, really angry, and when I received your message, it fucked me up a bit. I read it so many times, and you have no idea what it did to me. So I decided I needed to see you. But I couldn't really forgive you already, you know what I mean ? So I texted you, and I hoped- I don't know. I hoped that you would be overjoyed. That you would plan many things for us. That you'd go all out for the occasion. Instead, you just replied with « I will wait for you. » Jinyoung pouts. « It was far from what I expected. So I decided to wait for a bit, maybe you'd call me to ask me out on a date ? But nothing came. I was heartbroken, hyung. I figured that it didn't really make a difference for you, if I came back or not.»
Jaebeom feels so damn sorry.
« So I decided that I would go and see my friends before, and my family. That I would stop putting you first until I knew what was going on between us, where we stood. But then when you appeared at Yugyeom's earlier, and you looked so... Hurt. Dejected. Lonely.And- I never want you to feel like that. » He looks outside, streets illuminated and people hurrying home as the autumn weather gets colder by the day. « I'm sorry, hyung, for what it's worth. I've already said that, but things aren't easy for me there, and it probably doesn't help me to think clearly and to be patient. »
« We've made a poor job as far as communication is concerned, it seems. » Jaebeom sighs, squeazing Jinyoung's wrist, and slipping his fingers through Jinyoung's. « I'm sorry too, for always being too scared, for letting my anxiety get the best of me. » He runs his thumb over Jinyoung's knuckles softly.
« For the first time in my life, you're out of reach. I can't talk to you or see you or call you when I need it, and you feel so far away. And then I see all those vids, and my brain just screams at me that you deserve better than me, that all these guys there are way better than I'll ever be for you, and it's so loud in my head that it's hard to ignore. » He looks at Jinyoung's expression that's gone sour. « I'm seeing my therapist again. » He adds.
Jinyoung looks surprised, since it's been quite a long time that he stopped going to sessions.
« She says that I have to work on my separation issues first. I think she's probably right, well, she is paid to be right, somehow ? Anyway. When I received your text saying that you were coming back, I was so damn excited. But I didn't want to be too clingy, to seem too selfish. So I decided to let you choose how and when you wanted us to meet. Not gonna lie, I expected you to appear at my door first thing after you'd set a foot in town. But you didn't, and I was a bit disappointed. I did the only thing I could do, wait. And when you didn't show up the next day and those pics came, I felt miserable. Then you left for Jinhae, and at that point I was already preparing myself to the fact that you wouldn't come to me. That you changed your mind and didn't want to see me at all. »
The lump in his throat is threatening to choke him, and Jinyoung looks devastated.
« Oh hyung. It's- Of course no. I'll always want to see you. » He says, grabbing Jaebeom's hand and kissing it. « I 'm so sorry. I've been so stupid. » He laments.
« Seems to me that we were both. »
Jinyoung nods.
« I think- » He begins. « I think this whole separation thing is a fiasco. I think being far from each other is messing up our heads. »
Jaebeom huffs and couldn't agree more.
« Maybe we should, I don't know. Try to keep our mind out of this. »
Jaebeom frowns. « What do you mean ? »
« We've missed the chance to figure out our feelings and what we wanted from our relationship before we enlisted. » Jinyoung says, and he grimaces. Jaebeom knows that he's not gonna like whatever Jinyoung's going to say. « We probably should wait for this to be over before we start- start seeing each other, like, romantically? » He pleads.
Jaebeom's heart aches again.
« If that's what you want. » He answers, avoiding Jinyoung's eyes, words tasting like ashes.
« Ah, no, hyung, please don't do that ! I'm not rejecting you, I swear. »
Then why does it feel like this ? Jaebeom thinks bitterly.
« I just think we're not in the right mindset to make it work for now. You're sad and lonely and prone to anxiety attacks, and I'm far away, unable to communicate properly, trying to survive in a place I hate, doing things I hate. We need to focus on getting ourselves back on track. How could we take care of each other when we're not able to take good care of ourselves, Beom-ah ? »
Jaebeom doesn't answer, because he doesn't trust himself to not burst into tears and honestly, he hates himself enough as it is, there's no need to be more pathetic.
« Hyung. I love you. » Jinyoung says, and Jaebeom looks up in surprise. He wasn't expecting Jinyoung to say this, especially now that he'd told Jaebeom all that. « You know I do. » And Jaebeom nods, because he can tell it's true, looking right in Jinyoung's pretty, earnest eyes. « I just want us to take things slow. To get used to the idea of a relationship, to look for it. It's such a beautiful thing to expect, such an incredible thing to dream about, to come home to. I'll wish for it everyday until we can finally go on that date we talked about, when we will be able to look behind us and say that our time apart is over. Will you wait for me ? » Jinyoung asks, and he looks like he's about to cry.
Jaebeom is a bit panicked, because he knows that, if Jinyoung begins to cry, he won't resist and will cry too. They're in public, trying to stay anonymous, but there's no doubt two grown up men bawling their eyes out in a coffee shop will attract attention.
« I will wait for you for as long as you need. » He croaks. « As long as you come back to me. »
Jinyoung's smiles is watery. « Okay. »
They stay silent after this, sipping whatever's left of their drinks.
« When are you going back ? » Jaebeom asks after a short while.
« My bus leaves in two hours. » Jinyoung answers, and there's something clawing inside Jaebeom's ribcage. « I chose a night bus so that I could stay longer. »
The walk to the bus station is silent and sad, and Jaebeom childishly doesn't want to let go of Jinyoung's hand when they get there. Jinyoung giggles half heartedly, and embraces him, and they're both too choked up by their feelings to be able to talk, so they don't. After a last teary eye contact, Jinyoung gets in the bus and doesn't look back.
Jaebeom cries rivers on his way home.