Work Text:
10.10.2023 (last day of the army fest)
« Hyung ! » Jinyoung’s voice comes through the speaker of Jaebeom's phone, and even through the bad quality of the video call, he can see the bright, delighted smile sent to him. « Finally ! I thought we would never be able to speak ! »
Jinyoung says nothing about the fact that Jaebeom hasn’t try to reach for him after the first day of the festival.
No calls, no messages.
Jaebeom hums, and smiles back at Jinyoung.
He can tell that it’s a bit tense, not very warm.
« How have you been ? » He asks, and Jinyoung must have been waiting for that question, because he begins to talk excitedly, about the festival, the performances, how good it felt to be out of the barracks, to stop the basic military training to practice dancing, to be on stage again after so long, to meet overenthusiastic fans. To finally be able to do something he was good at, something he felt he was born to do.
Jaebeom listens, nods, and keeps on humming from time to time.
It would be so nice to simply enjoy seeing Jinyoung so lively, so happy after having seen him so subdued, so weighed down by the harsh military life.
It would be more than nice, really, but Jaebeom can’t find it in him to just do that.
He swallows around the ugly green thing that’s been eating at his insides for a few days now, and listens, as Jinyoung keeps on expressing his delight at being gone viral, laughing and joking about it (« I’ve danced for my whole life, hyung, danced and performed and acted, and well, I can’t really say that it’s been totally unnoticed, but this, now, it’s kinda crazy. Put a grown man in a military suit and makes him dance to a k-pop girls group song, and everybody’s losing it. That’s so funny ! ») and then abruptly changing subjects as there are two soldiers entering the room and making some ruckus in the background.
«Hey guys, could you please go somewhere else for a few minutes ? I’m on the phone !» Jinyoung asks with an exagerated frown, and a look of utter annoyance that Jaebeom can tell is fake. That’s the same expression Jinyoung wore when he tried to handle Bambam and Yugyeom, when they were being too chaotic. The two young soldiers agree with matching ironical «Yes, hyung, Sir ! » and mock salutes, and are out the door in a flurry of limbs and camouflage clothes.
Jinyoung chuckles apologetically, and turns his attention back to Jaebeom, whose lungs have become a bit constricted.
« Those boys, I swear ! I’m lucky I have a lot of experience in handling brats, because there are four of them here, and they must be taught how to behave ! They’re so young and totally unhinged, but I keep them in line anyway. I’m happy that Hyunwoo-hyung is here, though, he helps me with the kids, and I don’t know how I would do if he wasn’t by my side. »
The ugly green thing unfurls in Jaebeom’s belly, and begins to fester.
His train of thoughts derailed when Jinyoung talked about the « kids » and how happy he is to have someone by his side to take care of them.
Jaebeom’s mind conjures memories of Jinyoung and him, in late evening group meetings in the cramped living room of their first dorm, lecturing an upset baby-faced Bambam and a crying, much too young Yugyeom about behaviour and respect, about sticking to the rules and having a group image to uphold. Or another memory, with Jinyoung being the mediator between Jackson and Youngjae that time, both of them too exhausted and nerve-wrecked to sort their problems out and about to rip each-other’s throat, and Jaebeom stepping in to support Jinyoung and appease the two over-sensitive boys, who ended-up crying in each other’s arms. Or that other time, when after months of grueling work, they'd finally learnt that they were going to debut, all seven of them, and Jaebeom, euphoric and proud, had decided to treat the whole group to a nice barbecue place not far away from the dorm. He remembers Jinyoung's whiskered smile that night, when they'd come back to the dorm, walking in the streets. Jinyoung had stayed a little bit behind beside him, while the five other boys, their bellies full, content and a bit high on happiness, were bumping shoulders and yelling at each others a few meters ahead, Mark offering Bambam a piggyride. Jinyoung had turned to him then, beaming, and Jaebeom had chosen to ignore the sommersaults of his poor heart, smiling back softly. « You've raised them well, Jaebeom-ah. » He'd said, teasing and mischievous. « Thank you for not killing them. We can be proud of our kids. » He'd linked his arm with Jaebeom, and it had been hard, that time, to not aknowledge the feelings that bursted in his chest, both from the gesture and from Jinyoung's words.
Our kids.
Jaebeom had been eaten up by a burning, choking jealousy ever since he'd seen the many, many videos of Jinyoung at that festival, prettier than anyone wearing a uniform should be allowed to be, bright as the sun, dancing his heart out, surrounded by a dozen of soldiers, some of them quite handsome, all of them glaringly smitten for the man he himself was in love with.
He'd replayed those videos, again and again, ad nauseum, noticing all the small things ahgases pointed, each time feeling like there was something stabbing his chest. The winks, the exchanged looks, the touching, the damn flower, every interaction Jinyoung had with his army mates, who obviously couldn't resist the charisma and natural cuteness he exhuded. It was hard enough, as it was, to witness so many displays of flirting.
But the worst part where those videos off stage, where he was always, always on someone else's side.
All the fans gushing about how good they looked together, how close they seemed, how they always seemed to follow each other.
Jaebeom's blood had gone cold then, and he'd found himself unable to even message Jinyoung. Watching, helpless, as everyday new videos displayed the image of the man he loved sharing his time and happiness on stage with someone who wasn't him.
He'd felt sick with jealousy,
« Ah, right. Looks like you found someone else to raise kids with, hmmm ? »
He knows long before he finishes to speak that he shouldn't have. That he should have stayed silent and waited for being in a better mindset to adress his insecurities. His words could have been taken lightly, maybe, if only is tone hasn't been so accusing, so cutting.
Ah, maybe Jinyoung won't notice, maybe he'll let it pass- But Jinyoung knows Jaebeom like the back of his hand.
His smile fades away, his eyes widen, and he looks like he's just been slapped. His mouth hangs open for a few seconds, and then he snaps it shut, grinding his teeth, as he reclines on his seat, and folds his arms on his (perfect, toned, oh lord help Jaebeom) chest.
They glare at each other through their screens for a few seconds, before Jinyoung scoffs and shakes his head, biting angrily at his lower lip.
« Tell me you're not implying what I think you're implying. Tell me I misunderstood what you just said. Or that you were joking. »
When Jaebeom doesn't answer and adverts his gaze, clenching his jaw, Jinyoung clucks his tongue.
« I assume that's the reason why you haven't called or messaged me the last days ? I mean, I could feel that there was something wrong, but I couldn't pinpoint what would make you stop contacting me or answer my messages ? The last time we called everything seemed right, there was nothing that could let me think that you could be mad at me, so I thought that maybe you were just too busy, or wanted a bit of space, or I don't know... But I never thought that you'd be stupid enough to pull something like that. » He ends his phrase with a crinkle of his nose, like he's disgusted by what he just said.
Jaebeom feels a bit offended.
'Yah!- »
« Don't Yah me, Lim Jaebeom ! » Jinyoung is livid now. « Great. Just- Great. » He rubs his hands on his face. « I just-... » He sighs. » I just wanted to share how happy I felt. It was the first time in litteral months that I had something nice to share with you. The first time in months I wasn't feeling too bad. In case you haven't understood, I hate it here. Everything. The stupid rules, the non stop training -not that I'm not used to it, but that's a thing to train for keeping a healthy body to dance or perform, and it's another one to train for the sake of it. And to get punished when you just couldn't do as many fucking push-ups you were asked. Crawling in the mud, running under the rain, all this bullshit. »
Jaebeom flinches a bit. Jinyoung never swears.
« I can’t believe you. » Jinyoung says through gritted teeth. « I can’t believe you could even think of things like this when- »
« There are all those vids, Jinyoung, all those vids where those guys are oggling you, touching you, flirting with you !»
Jeabeom knows those stares, knows those kicked puppy expressions, those faces that drip with adoration and want. Those are the same he has in all those vids on youtube, edited by fans with comments on how he looks « whipped », « down bad », « smitten » or absolutely « lovestruck » for his « Jinyoungie ».
Those edits used to make him mad, at first, when he didn’t quite understand why he felt like this for the other half of JJProject. After, when he’d finally struggled long enough with his self-discovery, it still grated on his nerves because why couldn’t fans focus on their music and videos ? Why was it so important to them what he could feel for Jinyoung?
But all of that changed, slowly but surely, because at some point he noticed that those fan made videos of Jinyoung and him, and how they interacted, those videos never failed to make Jinyoung smile. Each time one of their members (most of the time Yugyeom, who seemed to be very enthusiastic about the whole JJP shipping thing,) showed a new clip of them two, Jinyoung looked at it with fond, amused eyes, his cheeks coloring faintly.
« Ahgases are so perceptive. » He often said then, with a proud, small grin.
« Doesn’t it make you uncomfortable ? » Jaebeom had asked once, as Jinyoung was watching some pics of Jaebeom looking at Jinyoung moonstruck, under the title « JayB can’t take his eyes off of Jinyoung, a thread » (that lacked originality very much, if you asked Jaebeom.)
« Why should I be uncomfortable ? » Jinyoung had said then, looking at him with wide, almost innocent eyes, daring him to find a reason why. Jaebeom had shrugged under the intensity of Jinyoung’s stare, not knowing how to answer, and he'd left things at that .
« I don’t know about that, because I haven’t had the time to check on most of them. » Jinyoung cuts him. « The few I watched were more about fans wondering how you, hyung, could feel seeing me dance like that. Imagining you drooling or nosebleeding, lovesick and missing me like crazy. Some of them were quite crude too, as you can imagine. » Jinyoung pauses, pretty, strong brows set in a frown. « But I enjoyed reading about all that. About you watching those vids with hungry eyes, about you wanting me so much. And each time I was on stage, I thought about that, and it felt good, I felt… powerful, sexy- I don’t know. And I hoped that you’d look at me and see it, that you’d be proud of me. That maybe you’d fall in love with me a bit more. » He pauses again, shaking his head. « But all this time, all you noticed was the way my bandmates were looking at me ? And imagine who knows what bullshit going on ? Seriously ? » He sighs again, dejected. « You think that, after all this time, I was finally brave enough to confess to you a few weeks ago, and I would throw it in the wind and choose to – I don’t know… - Go with someone else ? Just because- because what, by the way ? Why the hell would I do that ? Do you think I’m stupid ? Or that I just don’t care ? »
Jaebeom can’t seem to find the right words to express himself. He shrugs frustratedly.
« You know I don’t think that. But seeing you like this, surrounded by guys that look at you like like they can’t wait to have you all for themselves- »
« Stop that. Even if that was the case- And it’s not, I swear it’s not- I don’t want that- » Jinyoung cuts again.
« You have no idea how hard it is to be here, to see you amongst all those guys, to - » Jaebeom pleads.
« You’ve got te be kidding me, right ? I have no idea?-» Jinyoung stops himself, and if he looked annoyed and frustrated before, now he’s furious, Jaebeom knows him enough to tell. He flinches, because Jinyoung has quite a temper, for sure, but he knows how to handle it, most of the time.
When he loses it, though- that’s another story.
Jinyoung swallows and lowers his tone, narrowing his eyes, and it looks a bit dangerous. It would even look hot, if it happened in any other moment, but for now, Jaebeom’s stomach plummets.
« I’ve spent years watching you being flirted with, being hit on. Litteral years. Jaebeom. Knowing that you’d be taking one of the countless fangirls that flocked around you to bed whenever you’d have the chance. Witnessing the phone numbers slipped into your pockets, seeing you watch all those private vids some of them sent you, vids that could have make porn-stars blush. The hickeys the make-up noonas had to hide under concealer. Sometimes the hickeys that a make-up noona was responsible for, in the first place. The times you disappeared during awards ceremonies, to be back a couple of minutes later, barely ruffled but with that dazy expression on your stupid face, while a member of a girl-group not far away would come back to her own spot, looking like the cat who ate the canary, stary eyes, glancing at you. And all this time, the fans edited videos of you watching me with those godamned puppy eyes. All this time I was the one you were looking at, but all this time I was the one being left behind, because you were too scared and too ashamed to even want to aknowledge what you could feel for me. I was only good for you to look at, but I was never enough to make you want to take the risk. Fucking years, hyung. » Jinyoung spits. « And then, after all this time, when I thought we got better at sorting out our feelings for each other, she happened, and it felt like dying. The official statements of both of your agencies, the support you got from fans, the teasing of the boys. "Got7's JayB dating Pure D, the hottest couple ever." » Jinyoung's chuckles sound like scratching. « So don't you dare telling me I have no idea- I know perfectly well how it feels, and you have no right to say that. If I had time, maybe I'd find five minutes to feel sorry for you, hyung. But I'm sorry, that's not gonna happen. »
Jinyoung's wrath isn't something Jaebeom will get out of unscathed, that he is aware of. Jinyoung is in for the kill, now, because he's hurt, and he knows how to retaliate when someone hits him.
« You think you're having it tough ? I get it that you're getting bored at work, that doing administration work isn't something that thrills you. But at the end of the day, you can come home, sleep in your bed, watch a movie curled up on your couch with your cats. On week-ends you can visit your family. I'm really happy that you don't have to endure the sheer stupidity of real military life, really, but I also envy you for all this. It doesn't feel fair, you know, to have worked so hard for everything and to have to risk it all, just because the army wants you to learn to shoot mortar. Beside this, there's also the tension due to international issues, that makes thing even more difficult. The higher ups are worried and we work on different scenarios if things were to degenerate and a global conflict was to come. »
Jinyoung stops talking, and Jaebeom feels sick. He's tried hard not to think about it, this global war the journalists are endlessly mentionning. He's aware that it would be a planetary disaster if it were to happen, but most of all, selfishly, Jaebeom dreads the idea of Jinyoung being sent to front.
It terrifies him just to think about it.
Jinyoung has caught his breath back, it seems, and he's speaking again.
« You can do vlives, work on music, appear in and there and interact with fans so that they still remember you, go to spend afternoons with them at Yogurbara. I don't have this . When I'll be done with this, Got7 will probably have to wait a bit more for a come back, since Youngjae and Gyeommie will soon have to enlist too. There's no telling if there will still be a place for me in the music industry. As for my acting career, well, despite all I've worked hard for, there's a possibility that noone will want to offer an old idol coming back from nowhere and almost forgotten a proper role. I'm trying to prepare myself to this, to be ready in the case that I won't receive any script, that Actor Park Jinyoung will maybe stay something of the past. »
Jinyoung leans back again, this time carding a hair through his way too short hair. Jaebeom misses his fluffy locks so much.
« Those are the things that plague my mind on a daily basis. Those are the things that keep me awake at night. » He finally says, softly, tiredly. Jaebeom hasn't had the courage to interrupt him yet. « And then here you are, letting your insecurities get the best of you and getting stupidly jealous over some stupid edits made by fangirls ? Seriously, hyung ? Don't you see how ridiculous it is ? » Jinyoung shakes his head. « I thought we were good, I thought we'd figured ourselves out. We can't expect to build something together if, at the first grain of sand that comes to itch you the wrong way, you freak out, and get mad, and doubt me. »
Jaebeom doesn't know what to say, crushed by guilt and shame and the difficult thing it is to admit that you've been really wrong, that you're sorry. But it doesn't matter, anyway, as one of the two « kids » Jinyoung mentionned enters the room after a shy knock, and tells him that it's time for them to regroup. Jinyoung nods and sighs, resigned. He's still mad, Jaebeom knows that.
« Let's talk later, hyung. Goodbye. » And he abruptly disconnects the call, leaving Jaebeom in the darkness of his living room, heart in his throat and tears in his eyes.
Is it possible to be enough of an asshole to fuck-up a relationship that hasn't technically begun ?
He punches the wall next to him, several times, and ends up drinking the whole bottle of soju he'd been sipping on when Jinyoung called.
All he can feel the next morning is regret, how bitter it tastes on his tongue, how sore it's on his knuckles, how painful it feels within his chest.