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Jay had thought he was ready to leave the Hospital, had being the keyword.
They didn’t even make it out of the town before he felt his chest start to seize up. His vision started to get blurry and zoomed out, nothing felt real anymore. He looked down at his hands. They had stopped at a Gas station for Tim to run in and grab more cigarettes and fill up the car. That's when Jay had seen him.
Someone who looked way too similar to Alex, a navy and blue striped hoody, with the stupid short haircut Alex always had. He really thought Alex had somehow survived even though Tim had told him he was dead, he thought maybe the operator saved him. He thought all of that before the man turned around and it was clearly someone else. How stupid of him to think otherwise.
He should’ve calmed down, why couldn’t he calm down? No, now he had the fear continuing to build inside him, the panic. He flinched when the door swung open, only to realize it was Tim, he was saying something and Jay just nodded along, not wanting to worry Tim further. That was the last thing he wanted.
Jay forced himself to stare at the dashboard in front of him, occasionally turning to stare blankly out the window or to his hands in his lap. He couldn’t blink, he was back in his eternal purgatory again, he…… he… everything was glazed over. He could see, but nothing made sense, it was all too far away, he couldn’t make out any key details. Everything felt fuzzy, everything felt flat. He was stuck in the past again.
Remembering everything, the smells, the sight, how it felt, the pain oh gods the pain.
The hall smelt like Must, Mold and Mildew, Old with rot. How the broken glass felt on his skin or how he could feel the broken foundation under his shitty shoes, how he could feel everything dig into his ass and back when he had fallen to the floor. He remembered the door trying to be forced open, except..
No, no he was there…
That was reality.
The door behind him was being shoved against him, he could hear Alex behind him yelling for him to just let him end this nightmare..
“OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR JAY, JUST LET ME END THIS. STOP STRUGGLING!!!”
Static flooded his senses again, he felt the tears roll down his cheeks, he could faintly taste and smell blood flowing down his face. His Adam's apple bobbed in his throat as he looked around wildly. Stuck in this reality.
He.. he… he.. He
tim…. tim…. Tim. He needed Tim.. he.. He was sobbing as one hand held his stomach and the other was pulling at his hair. Oh gods Tim save him, the static grew louder and louder he could see that thing by him again.. Oh gods, Oh gods.. Fuck help him.
Jay blinked rapidly, eyes darting around the room again, where was he? This wasn’t the basement? But it was, everything kept flickering back and forth, what was reality. He was curled up against a door, choking on sobs as he babbled about something or another. His mind was too foggy to understand himself. Someone was pounding on the door behind him. It was Alex wasn’t it. Oh god, please no. Was he there to kill him? Finish what he had started? Jay felt someone kick the door, letting out a shrill yelp, flinching as heard the lock break. When had he locked it? There wasn’t a lock on it, was there?
He let out a scream as he felt himself get shoved away from the door as the person behind it finally got it open. He backed up, vision still clouded, unable to see. He let go of his stomach, ready to protect himself, blocking his face from whatever was about to happen.
“Please, Please, please no.. no no no no no no.. no. not again please… I promise.. I promise.. I… I don’t.. I .. I. Tim save me please, please Oh gods. Please save me! I’m so sorry.. I.. I didn't, I wasn't.. I should’ve listened. I.. I’m sorry Tim oh gods save me please! I don’t wanna die like this.” He pleaded and begged, tears and bloody snot covering his face as he hiccuped on nothing, bile creeping up his throat, he licked his lip tasting the salty tears and iron like blood.
He felt two hands touch his shoulders and a weight on top of him, holding him against the ground and wall. Jay let out a whimper as he began to shove and hit at whatever or whoever was keeping him from moving. He was so terrified, until his hand was pulled to the chest of whoever was on him, the other hand held his. Heads knocking together.
Jay paid attention to the heartbeat, it felt, familiar he couldn’t place why until he realized there was a rattling wheeze. The words were slowly starting to reach his fog muddled brain, slowly clearing it from him. His vision started to come through again, blinking rapidly to try and clear the fuzz. “ay…. ay… jay, Jay.. are you there? Jaybird come back to me.” Tim’s voice was riddled with worry and fear.
Jay looked around the room frantically, shaking his head quickly, where was he? Why was Tim here? His attention was quickly returned to Tim as the man let go of his hand in favour of holding his jaw gently.
“Jay, hey.. Hey, there you are. It’s okay, it’s just me.. Me and you and Norto. It’s okay. It’s okay, everything is okay. Breathe with me Bluejay, breathe with me.” Tim whispered, pressing a soft kiss to Jay’s cheek, resting his head back against his, keeping Jay’s hand pressed firmly against his chest.
Jay felt himself nod without any thought behind it, auto pilot still kicked in. The world still felt flat, he couldn't see the details in anything, but he was back to reality. Out of the past, out of his purgatory and back to the present, he was breathing with Tim. In for 5 seconds, out for 6, in for 6, out for 7 and so on until the shaking slowed, until he could feel his mind clear.
“That’s it Jay, good job, keep breathing with me. Can you feel my hand on your cheek? How about the cold tile underneath you? Can you hear the air conditioning?” Tim guided him through calming down, each time Tim asked him a question Jay nodded slowly. Regaining his understanding of the world.
He could hear the air conditioning in the next room, could feel the cold tile beneath him. Jay could feel Tim’s heartbeat, how heavy Tim was on top of him, how the smell of cigarettes and cedar were overwhelming, but it was grounding. Jay moved his head away from Tim’s, instead of pulling away entirely he moved to bury his face into Tim’s shoulder, a shaky whine left his mouth, hiccups still wracking his body as he clung to the other man. “Soo. Sss. Sorry tim. I’m… I don’t know what happened.”
Jay could feel Tim hum something or another, hand rubbing up and down his back, the other combing through is hair. He was suddenly aware of the fact he was ruining his shirt. But the moment he started to pull away Tim just held him closer. “It’s okay Jaybird, you aren’t alone in this. I will never be mad at you for something like this.” Tim whispered, the familiar rattling wheeze in his chest calmed him.
It took Jay far too long before things started to make sense, he still had no clue how he got to this point. He had no memory of coming into this room. But, Alex was dead. He couldn’t hurt him. Tim hasn’t witnessed the thing in over a year. He was safe, they were safe.
He would be lying if he said he didn’t flinch at the sound of footsteps approaching them, until he realized it was a dog’s, Norto’s to be exact. Norto walked over to the two of them, looking for a brief moment before plopping down next to them, laying his head on Jay’s shin. He didn’t know what he expected Tim’s dog to look like, but it wasn’t a large mutt looking dog, some weird mix of long hair and short, it wasn’t exactly soft and he looked like he had better days.
Jay reached out, hesitant at first before he started to pet Norto, scruffy and a bit coarse. He found himself slowly relaxing further, his tremor leaving him, his heart rate slowed into a normal and safe rhythm. He had Tim, someone he loved oh so dearly sitting on top of his lap, keeping him grounded and a large dog who had apparently taken a liking to him. This all felt so… domestic, something he had yearned for in all those years of chasing that thing.
“Jaybird?” Tim questioned, hand slowly rubbing Jay’s cheek. Pulling Jay out of his train of thought.
“Hmmm? What’s mnm wassup?” He questioned, looking up to Tim with some fog still left in his brain.
Tim let out a soft chuckle which made Jay’s eyes open a little bit more, Jay felt Tim lean down a little bit more, kissing his jaw for just a second, fingers rubbing small circles onto his side. “You okay to move Bluejay? Maybe talk about what happened in a different room?” Tim questioned, head tilted, eyebrows raised in the way that just made him look so perfect.
Jay nodded after a moment, he didn’t know how to talk about what he experienced, he didn’t want to trigger Tim into an episode of his own. Though he supposed his apparent want to not worry his partner only made him worry more. He hadn’t expected a full blown breakdown though, he could do this. They didn’t keep secrets, no more secrets.
Tim helped Jay slowly get up, holding him close, arm wrapped around his waist as the three of them made their way to the bedroom. Jay was looking around the entire time, taking in each aspect of the small apartment, how it looked, how it smelled, what was cluttered and what wasn’t. He wanted to memorize it, Norto followed suit, jumping onto the bed after Jay sat down, Tim scooting Norto away to sit next to Jay.
“So, What happened? You don’t have to tell me everything, but.. You.. You really scared me, you seemed a bit out of it when we were in the car, but I had figured it was just the reality of you being in one after so long…. What happened Jaybird?” Tim questioned, pulling Jay’s hand to his lips, pressing a kiss to each knuckle.
Jay shook his head slowly, thinking through his words, feeling them lest he say something and it got misinterpreted. He looked over to Tim for a brief moment, eyebrows raised before sighing and nodding. “It’s okay.. I… I got stuck again…in the past that is.” Jay whispered, voice threatening to break and fall apart again.
“I uhm… We stopped at the gas station, and there was someone who looked like Alex. Same stupid Hoody, same stupid Haircut but it wasn’t him..And i Just. I kept thinking how I should be able to just calm down, I didn’t want to worry you.. I couldn’t stand the thought of making you upset.” Jay let out a shaky sigh, reaching up to rub his face, hand slowly making its way to his hair to comb it out of the way.
“I uhm.. I couldn’t see after a while.. I mean, I could see. But it wasn’t, it felt flat? Like nothing made sense? And I was remembering what happened in… In Benedict Hall, in that basement. And then, I don't know. One minute I was in the car, and the next I was in your bathroom and everything felt real. I could see everything that had happened, like I.. I couldn’t see the now, only what happened. It felt so real, I thought you were Alex.. I thought.” Jay let out a strangled sound as he moved to hold his hand over his mouth trying to stop the sob from escaping his throat, he felt the panic start to build again, the moments flashing through his mind. What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he just let it go? He.. He was safe, he knew he was safe, but it was so terrifying.
“Jay, C’mere Jaybird, C’mere. It's.. I know I’m not all too great at this stuff, But I’m trying. Don’t ever be afraid to tell me or ask me for help, to help you figure out what’s real and what isn’t.. You went through a lot… You know that right? What you went through, it’s traumatic. You shouldn’t have ever gone through that. I know… I know I’m not to blame, but maybe if I had just stayed with you? Or… maybe none of that would’ve happened.” Tim whispered, pulling Jay close, letting him curl up. Jay might’ve been the taller out of the two of them, but he felt smaller now more than ever.
“It’s okay Bluejay, I won’t let anyone hurt you, never again. You can cry. It’s okay. I’m here.” Tim hummed, pressing a soft kiss to his head, hand rubbing up and down his back in such a soothing way.
“Mnmn how’d.. How’d I get here? I mean, I know I was in the car but then I was here.. I don’t.. I don’t remember leaving the car.” Jay questioned, looking up to Tim for a brief moment, those bright blue eyes contrasting against the whites which were red from crying.
“You, were okay? I mean I thought you were, a little quiet, a little out of it. You had mumbled something about going to the bathroom, so I pointed and then…. That happened, You had what I can only assume as a flashback? An episode… Fuck we both need therapy don’t we.” Tim whispered, his tone turning into a joking one. Trying desperately to lighten the mood, even for a little bit.
Jay couldn’t help but let out a snort laugh, ducking his head down as the anxious spastic laughter spilled from him. “God damn it Tim, this was… we need more than just therapy.” Jay whispered, tears still streamed down his face, from laughter this time however, Happy tears, Things felt okay. Sure they both had their own fair share of trauma but, they had each other. 
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