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He couldn’t move…. He couldn’t.. What was going on? Where was he? Everything was dark, he couldn’t see, he couldn’t.. It felt like he was floating. Where was he? Why couldn’t he open his eyes, why couldn’t he feel anything? What.. What.. What! Where?
Jay was so lost, time felt fake, were seconds passing? Was it hours or days? All too quickly he realized there was someone next to him. If he could, if he wasn’t paralyzed in whatever state of life or death this was he probably would’ve shot up and ran.
He listened closely, Breathing, in… and out, wheeze. In and out, wheeze. It took Jay far less than he’d like to admit to realize it was Tim. A small part of him relaxed at the realization the other man was next to him, he was safe then? But… But then it dawned on him once again. Why couldn’t he move? If Tim was there why couldn’t he move?!?!
He could hear Tim start to cough, shifting in his spot he wanted to scream for help, he begged for his vocal chords to do anything, willing his jaw to move, his tongue. Nothing.
Tim! Help me!
HELP ME!
Help…
Help me..
help…..
Jay wanted to scream, he wanted. No needed to claw his way out of this near everlasting silence. Water and static covered by Tim’s presence barely keeping it at bay and in the shadows of his mind.
The moment Tim started to speak, voice hitching the static grew louder, louder and louder. Water flooded around him until it was all black again. Nothing once again, Null.
Jay came to again when he felt a hand? Something heavy on his own hand. Tim’s voice hitching as sobs wracked the man's body. Why was Tim crying? He couldn’t comfort the other, forced to sit and listen to his sobs and broken cries. He was begging, pleading with whatever force was out there for Jay to come back, how it wasn’t fair. How it should’ve been him and not Jay. How he’d do anything for him to come back?.... Come back? He was right here?
Tim, I'm right here! I’M HERE! HELP ME! I’M RIGHT … He screamed, and yet the words never made it outside of his own mind.
Time had slipped from his grasp yet again, he hadn’t had a solid grasp of it for years now, didn’t have a good sense of it for years..But now… Now it was nonexistent, Was it a week? A month? A year?!?
What happened before now? What was now? What … Happened? How’d he get here? Where was here? Jay tried to recall the past whilst stuck in the present.
Foggy memories started to bubble up, distorted like one of the many videos he took. The basement? Yellow Hooded man… water.. Rushing water? Paper everywhere? No..no… no it was glass and broken foundation and.. And.
A door slammed in the present somewhere near him, wherever near was.
The gunshot, The searing pain, oh he wanted to scream.. No. no. He needed to scream. He remembered seeing the thing near him as he hoped, he pleaded and begged for Tim to save him.
It was coming back in flashes again, the pain, the sound, the smell. And then… and then.. And then it was back to the present, still unable to move. Unable to see. Just existing.
What brought him back? He was starting to question his senses, until he heard the familiar wheezing breath near him.
“Jay.. Jay I don’t know if you can hear me? If… if you’re even still there? Oh gods.. It’s… August. I uh…. The 12th… I miss you, I.. It’s done? I think… Fuck, Please come back, Please… I just. I.. Jay come back to me.” Tim croaked out, and for the first time, he could feel Tim.. Jay could really, really, truly feel Tim.
A warm, rough hand holding his as droplets of something? Water splashed against his cheeks. The sounds of sniffles and hiccups got louder and so did the scent of Cigarettes and cedar.. It wasn’t water, it clicked to Jay in that moment that Tim was crying, and not pulling away, rather Tim was resting his head against his own.
Jay Needed to get up, he needed to wake up. He… he couldn’t leave Tim alone… it was August? That meant months had passed since he was shot.. no .. no almost a year.. He.. He..
Nothing, again, he was out again.
Jay started at first when he came to again, only to remember he couldn’t move, that he was stuck in this forever nothingness. Still stuck and unmoving. How much more time had passed? He could hear Tim near him, reading something or another, words not making it through the fog in his mind. He could hear Tim pause as he had another coughing fit, hand squeezing his, before continuing where he had left off.
Time came and went too easily. He knew months had passed, and over time he came to realize he most likely was in a hospital if the sounds of beeping and others footsteps had any say. Scratch that, the scent was the dead give away, and he hated it. Hated it when he could smell it for the first time.
Jay thought he’d go insane if he didn’t wake up from this soon. One could only take so much static, so much water, so much sounds of flooding, of pure pitch black or memories flashing like a distorted camera for so long, before they lost it.
However, moments like this. Where he’d come to again. With Tim humming a song, fingers strumming against a guitar. These made him feel sane, made him feel safe and alive. Or where Tim would smell of a fresh smoke break and whatever oil or grease left from his job, talking about his day or how much he missed him. What was going on in the world or how he had a dog now.
Jay could hear the desperation in Tim’s voice start to come through when the cold started to hit once again, when he could feel it soaked into the bones of Tim’s hands. His everlasting space heater turned cold.
“Jay, You gotta come back.. Please, If you’re in there. You gotta fight it, please.. I … I miss you, I miss you so much. It’s not…it’s not fair. I can’t be alone again… I can’t .. I.. Please Jay, fuck.” Tim choked on a sob, hiding his face in his hands…assumingly as they became muffled. Weight joined him on his bed and by god Jay wanted to comfort him.
Jay started with bile in the back of his throat, looking around through some form of distorted static, water dripping from everything he could see. His life replayed in front of him, until it got to what he was most dreading, Alex in the hall, in the film department…He had a gun, he always missed though. Except instead of fire and a miss. Fire and a miss.. Fire and… it… it hit. He stumbled, gasping as he held onto his stomach, black blood oozing from the wound as he looked up to Alex with terrified eyes, how could someone he once considered his friend kill him? How could he shoot him..
He stumbled into the room where the glass was, slamming the door shut behind him as the blood gushed from his wounds, static flooding his senses as he cried.. And screamed for Tim to save him. How stupid was he for him to get angry at Tim. Oh gods help him, he didn’t want to die like this.
A loud bang made his heart rate spike as he was slowly pulled from the flashback, fresh cigarettes, wet dog and cheap cologne filled his senses. Tim was here, he was okay, he was safe. He.. If he could he would’ve been crying.
He wished he could hear what Tim was saying but he fell again, into his unending nothingness.
Time passed like a fluid in his everlasting purgatory. To have comfort be so close, humanity so close and not be able to reach out, to grasp it. He could hear the rain as the season changed, could feel the heat and humidity start to rise again. He would forgo any of his vices, any of the world's pleasures, anything just to be able to hold Tim, to see him. To witness him again.
Tim kept him up to date, his visits never faltered. The last he remembered it was June something, the Anniversary of Tim leaving it all behind apparently. One of the first times Jay remembered anything from the real world and not just the nothingness that was his purgatory.
Jay waited, and waited… and waited, listening to the birds chirp just outside the window, the monitor to his left beep rhythmically. Then he could hear the sound of footsteps followed by a wheezing cough. If he could he would smile, he felt the panic that had started to swell up slowly die down, his quickly climbing heart rate slowed back into an even one.
He felt Tim sit next to him, freshly smoked cigarette smoke clung to him despite the shittily applied cheap cologne trying its best to cover it up.. Something felt… wrong though. Something was off.
“Jay, it’s.. It’s June 20th, 2015. It’s been a year since my last post… As far as anybody knows. We’re both gone and dead…” Tim trailed off for a moment, Voice breaking before a coughing fit hit him.
It took longer than Jay liked before the coughing slowly stopped, wheezes left Tim’s mouth before he cleared his throat to continue. “I.. I miss you, I don’t.. I didn’t think you’d be gone this long….They.. the nurses said they didn’t think so either.. But… I don’t know. I was so scared when I saw your blood on the floor in that basement” Tim sniffled before cursing under his breath.
“Fuck.. I slept with your Hoody for months! I.. I still sleep with it. Fuck Jay it doesn’t even smell like you anymore, but.. But it’s like you’re there, like you’re with me.. Like I’m not alone.” Tim whispered, voice wobbling a small whine falling from his lips as tears slowly started to pitter patter against Jay's hand.
Jay so desperately wanted to move, needed to move. To comfort him.. He. he… he felt his fingertip move.
“I… i fuck… I wanted to wait! Till you were awake, till you were back. But… I don’t know if you ever will, or if you can even hear me now.. But fuck Jay, You are so.. So important to… I want… No, no, no I need you back. It was so.. Soo okay. So fine when you were here, and your sleep deprived, annoying ass could make me laugh…Could make me feel normal. I feel so alone now, I feel… I li.. I like you a lot and fuck me…I .. I can’t.” Tim’s words started to slur, soon choking on a sob as he moved to hold his hand tightly. Placing his head on Jay’s chest, tears soaking through the cloth and onto his skin.
Jay felt the scratchy blanket on his legs, he could feel the oxygen tube going through his nose and down his throat. He could feel the gag reflex start up. He felt the annoying prick of something in his arm.. But most importantly, he felt the warm breath of another on his face, felt his nose twitch at Tim’s hair tickling it, could feel Tim’s heart beat and the familiar wheeze in his chest. His eyelids fluttered for a moment before he slowly opened them.
He looked around the room, disorientated by the light and finally seeing anything other than static or distorted nothing. He shut his eyes as he slowly wiggled his fingertips on his right hand, slowly but surely. Opening his eyes again as he moved his hand. It felt thick and heavy when he lifted it up, dropping it down on top of Tim’s upper back. Fingers clumsily moving through the man’s thick hair. He let his eyes fall shut before opening them again. He could see Tim looking up at him, tears rolling down his face. Words not catching up to Jay as Tim quickly spoke, lips moving faster than Jay could discern any meaning.
He could see some movement from his peripheral but none of that mattered, he tangled his fingers into Tim’s hair, hand still resting on the back of Tim’s neck, he pulled the man close. It was all but soft when Tim’s lips met his, their foreheads crashed against each other, The kiss itself wasn’t anything other than soft however. Jay wished he could say anything, but the fog still lingered clouding him.
He didn’t bother to look when he felt a cold breeze start its way into the room. No, instead here he was, staring into Tim’s eyes. Not wanting to miss out on this again. He couldn’t. He let out a groan when Tim moved away, his fingers didn’t want to keep their grasp on Tims hair.
He let out a low whine at the loss of warmth trying to follow through, slowly raising his head, trying to sit up. He felt instant relief from the panic that had started to rise in his chest as Tim pulled his chair closer, both hands holding onto his as the nurses futzed around with god knows what.
“Not going anywhere Jaybird.” Tim whispered, voice raspy and finally reaching him. He couldn’t stop the tears that ran down his cheek as it all finally caught up to him.
He survived, and he got to kiss the man that had somehow made everything feel safe and right when everything wasn’t.
It was a disgusting process of getting the tube out of his nose, out of his throat. He would never admit the fact he threw up in the process, the nurses had made everything feel blurry and dizzying as they took blood and checked his eyes, ran quick tests before they finally left.
And thankfully, he had Tim right next to him, fingers running up and down his back, or through his hair which didn’t feel nearly as gross as he thought it would despite its length.
“Jay… i…. Do you… did you” Tim trailed off, voice cracking slightly, refusing to make eye contact with Jay as his fingers pulled at a loose string at the hem of the blanket.
Jay nodded after a moment, pulling Tim closer, resting his head on Tim’s, closing his eyes, taking a deep breath in and finally remembering how this all felt. “Yes.. I … yes, ‘member it… an.. Hearing you… you… mmnm… like you too.” He stumbled over his words, his head still felt thick, felt clogged, but something about the cedar and cigarettes made it a bit clearer.
“Is this… real?” Jay whispered, voice hitching ever so slightly as it finally dawned on him that it might be some cruel joke, that he might still be in his purgatory.
“It's real Jaybird, I’m here, you’re awake, I’m awake..this is… I’ll… we’ll leave this place as soon as we can.” Tim promised, wrapping his arm around Jay, warmth surrounding him once again.
“Kiss me again?” Jay questioned, looking down to Tim for a brief second, eyes half open as he tilted his head.
“Gods you look so…fuckin…. Cute like that. Yeah .. yeah.. Uh C’mere.” Tim whispered, hand sliding up Jay’s cheek and pulling him into a soft kiss, stubble rubbing against a coarse beard.
Jay slowly reached up, holding onto Tim’s hoody with one hand and his jaw with the other. It felt so perfect, felt right and okay. Nobody else could ever understand what the two of them had gone through in the past years.
“Stay the night?” Jay whispered against his lips, A small smile twitching onto his own. “ Please … its.. I’m scared to be alone.” Jay was near silent when he continued.
“Promise I won’t leave you again Jaybird. I won’t…You’re stuck with me… Norto will be fine on his own for the night.” Tim hummed, moving the both of them to relax.
Jay fell asleep with Tim’s face buried in his chest, arms wrapped around him and his own face buried in Tim’s hair. Fingers clinging to the back of Tims hoody.
Everything was right as it should be, everything was fine.
Full art piece here :3