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Your Feedback is Greatly Appreciated
Excerpts from the Guest Book of Jeff’s Inn by the Sea
Jeff’s Inn by the Sea is a lovely establishment indeed! The owners are very capable and charming, the atmosphere was wonderful, and the food was delicious! Don’t look at me like that, this is just good salesmanship. Lucius, are you still writing? Stop, leave this part out!!
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Service is shit. Fucker at the desk stood there ignoring me for 5 minutes until I rang the stupid bell. Said his name was Jeff, but ignored me when I used the name to try to get his attention for something. Perked right up when the other guy called him “Ed” though.
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The building doesn’t look like much, but the amenities are excellent. Extremely high quality sheets and towels, a thoroughly well-stocked library that guests are welcome to peruse, and excellent brandy served by a crackling fire in the den each evening. The breakfast options left something to be desired, but it was served with a delicious marmalade that more than made up for it.
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The owners are complete psychos, but I much prefer them here than living on the same ship as me and, say, pushing me overboard. Totally hypothetical, of course.
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There’s a fucking grave in the front lawn, marked with a fucking wooden horse leg for some godforsaken reason. One of the lunatics that runs the place kept me awake half the night sitting out there with a bottle of rum, singing sea shanties and crying. The other guy acted like this was totally normal, just brought the nutty one a blanket and left him to it! Saw that one talking to a fucking seagull the next morning though, so I guess they’re both nutty.
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Place is a shithole run by a pair of absolute twats, but at least they seem happy enough. The crew that stops by sometimes aren’t a complete waste of space, I suppose.
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Soundproofing is seriously lacking. If you hear the blonde one use a stern, captain-y voice on the other one, and he responds with any phrase containing “sir,” I highly suggest you make yourself scarce for a bit. Go for a walk or something. Trust me.
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Do NOT stay here on a full moon. Some seagull started making a fuss right outside my window as soon as the sun went down. I asked the poncey guy to do something about it, but apparently it’s their fucking pet, because he just said “Buttons” was “moonbathing.” I went out there to deal with the fucking bird myself and the psycho one threatened me with a knife. Fucking bird shat on me when I was leaving.
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They served roasted snake for dinner. It was so delicious I didn’t even care that the owners kept me up half the night buggering each other.
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Owners were super friendly until the last day. They told us over breakfast (which was absolutely horrible, by the way) they’d be gone all morning on a “nature walk.” When they got back, the taller one (honestly not sure what his name is. Heard him called both Jeff and Ed) was an absolute dick to everyone for the rest of day. The other guy (Steve, I think?) said he “gets overstimulated” sometimes, whatever that means. We checked out early.
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I swear to god I saw one of them give a letter to a fucking seagull. Now my wife is saying I need to lay off the brandy.
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Completely unprofessional service. I made a reservation months in advance, checked in on time, only to be unceremoniously booted from my room when a large group of people who were clearly pirates stormed in. The owners were horrifyingly delighted by the arrival of these ruffians, and all guests were told in no uncertain terms to “fuck off” so their friends could have our rooms. When I tried to demand a refund, one of the pirates threw a knife at me! My children will likely have nightmares for weeks!
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Got bit by a seagull here. Would stay again.
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The gift shop in the back has a delightful range of fishing equipment. I’m not sure why they have it though, because it seems to be a bit of a sore spot between the owners. I asked the long-haired one for some advice on which equipment to use, suddenly the pair were having a tiff over a “whatever fish” and “massive aggression” or something. I never got to buy any fishing equipment, and dinner was delayed because they were too busy….making up after their argument.
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This place gives me the creeps. Pretty sure it’s haunted. Sometimes at night I swear I can hear uneven, clunky footsteps in the hall that don’t sound like either of the owners. And this morning I stopped to look at the ring hanging from that grave marker out front and when I tried to touch it, I heard a whisper calling me a twat, clear as day, but there wasn’t a soul nearby.
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I’ve stayed here a few times before and had no problems, but today I learned that if you hear even a whisper of the word “fuckery,” pack your shit and leave immediately. You do not want to be here when whatever the hell a “fuckery” is goes down.
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The couple who run the place are quite lovely, and also quite…affectionate. I came across them making out in multiple places during my stay. I’m not even sure which one of them is Jeff, since I only ever heard them call each other “babe” and “darling.”
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This place is a fucking nightmare. I was in the area for a month on business, and they fucking disappeared out of the blue for nearly a fortnight! Things were fine at first, then one day a fucking bird shows up and, I kid you not, gives the owners a fucking letter. Suddenly they get all excited about their “family” docking nearby and wanting to go visit their ship. Next thing I know, the place is fucking deserted. They just up and left, no warning, no provisions, no staff, just left me to fend for myself with no word on when they’d be back, or even some instructions on where to find clean towels! I was nearly out of food and about to cut my losses and leave when they just turned back up, without a word once again! No apology, no explanation, just sitting at the table one morning all giddy and one of them had blood on his shirt. I nearly starved and I’m pretty sure they are serial killers or something.
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This place can be great, the couple who run it are nice guys and a lot of fun, provided you follow these rules:
First off, be sneaky when you first get up in the morning. If you come down and see the silvery one cooking, just go back to your room as quietly as you can, and sleep through breakfast. Do NOT let either of the owners see you, or you will be forced to eat breakfast. If you try to decline, the silvery one will look at you like you’ve just murdered his puppy, and the gold one will get vaguely threatening with you until you choke down whatever you’ve been offered. If the gold one is making breakfast, you’re safe. You are also safe to eat anything the silvery one makes after breakfast.
If you have kids, keep a close eye on them. There are a LOT of breakable and dangerous knick knacks laying around. The silvery one is friendly with kids, but left unsupervised, he may try to gift them knives. Do not let your children ask about his tattoos, as he will probably tell them a gruesome story that will scar them for life. However, if you happen to catch the gold one around the library in the evening, he is always happy to do a storytime for the kids. He gets really into it, and does all of the voices, my kids love it.
If the silvery one gives you advice on the weather, take it. He says he was once a sailor and learned about weather patterns in his time at sea, but I swear the man is damn near psychic when it comes to weather. If he says it’s going to storm, it IS going to storm.
There is sometimes a seagull around the property. You may even encounter it inside the building. Do NOT, under any circumstances, be rude to the seagull. You do not want to know what will happen if you are rude to the seagull.
DO NOT get too close to the grave marker in the front yard. Don’s ask the owners about it (one or both of them may start crying). Don’t even THINK about touching it. Honestly, I wouldn’t even look at it too long. If either owner thinks you’re messing with it, you’ll be kicked out at best, maimed at worst. I once saw a guy try to touch the ring on the marker and the seagull showed up out of nowhere and tried to peck his fucking eye out.
In a similar fashion, avoid commenting on or asking about any of the following: the insane amount of sugar the silvery one puts in his tea (the gold one will try to murder you with only his eyes), anything about any supposed “family” visiting the owners (they are obviously pirates, and if you even come close to hinting at it, the energy of everyone in the entire building will instantly become incredibly threatening), anything that might come across as making fun of the gold one (the silvery one is protective), the origin of any of the trinkets or finery sprinkled around the place (see the pirates and threatening auras mentioned above).
Follow all of these rules, and you’ll have a great stay at “Jeff’s Inn by the Sea (Now with a Gift Shop!!)” and will probably come out of it with some wild stories to tell your mates.