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I.
The first time Taerae and Matthew kissed, Taerae kissed him first.
It wasn’t Taerae’s fault that Matthew looked so pretty under the afternoon sun. It wasn’t Taerae’s fault that a kid fell down from chasing a cat and made Matthew laugh. It wasn’t Taerae’s fault that he liked the sound of Matthew’s laugh and didn’t want him to stop. It was, though, Taerae’s fault for shamelessly staring at Matthew to notice all of that. He couldn't hold himself back from he reaching out to hold Matthew's hands, cupping his cheeks, and giving him the faintest peck on his lips.
Matthew’s eyes widened and Taerae saw at least five different emotions flash through them before Matthew kissed him back. This time a real kiss, not just a barely there peck. Taerae pulled back just in time before he passed out from the lack of air in his lungs. Matthew pulled him back to rest their foreheads together.
“You want to tell me what that was for?” Matthew asked, breathless but still so, so pretty it hurt to look at.
“Couldn’t help myself,” Taerae breathed out. “You looked so pretty.”
The blush on Matthew’s cheeks paired with the golden ray that lit his face in all the right places made him want to kiss Matthew again. He pulled Matthew to the car and kissed him there instead. He kissed him again when he dropped Matthew off. Before he knew it, he was dragged inside Matthew’s small apartment that he shared with Hanbin. Taerae didn’t know why he was relieved to know that Hanbin was nowhere to be seen. So they kissed again and again until their lips hurt before they gave in to their tiredness.
II.
Taerae couldn’t stop thinking about Matthew’s lips and the way they slot perfectly with his. Sometimes he swore he could still feel the ghost of Matthew’s lips on his. Maybe it’s because it’s been too long since the last time he kissed someone. Maybe it’s just a Matthew thing. Taerae didn’t want to delve too much into it, scared of unpacking things he was not ready to know.
They never talked about it. Both of them have been extremely busy with their classes and projects. The morning after, Taerae had left Matthew’s apartment after finishing the breakfast Matthew made for him. It was a simple sandwich, but it felt like one of the best sandwiches he’s ever had in his entire life. Hanbin still nowhere to be seen.
But that was a week ago. Now they passed by each other in the halls and only waved to each other before parting ways again. Taerae has accepted the fact that they would never talk about it.
That was until Matthew texted him to meet this afternoon. Taerae mentally slapped himself for smiling at the notification. He replied with a quick ‘okay’ and tried to focus on his professor. Taerae only managed to write down three sentences from the two-and-a-half-hour lecture. He made a mental note to ask his friends for their notes later and quickly packed his stuff. Not wanting to wait any longer.
Matthew greeted him with a kiss. They stumbled inside Matthew’s apartment and onto his couch. Matthew let out a soft ‘oof’ when his back hit the couch. They kissed again until Matthew’s phone rang, ‘binnie hyung’ clearly visible on the screen.
“I’m gonna stay over at Jiwoong-hyung’s tonight, don’t wait up for me, yeah?”
“Sure, hyung. Have fun, don’t forget to use protection,” Matthew said cheekily, laughing a little as he did so. Taerae realized he would always love the sound of it.
“You little–” Matthew hung up before Hanbin got to finish his sentence.
“Now, where were we?” Matthew cupped his face to bring it closer.
“Before that,” Taerae turned his head to the side, making Matthew’s lips land on his cheek instead. “What are we doing? Like what does this mean for us?”
Matthew hummed. “What do you want it to mean?”
“I don’t know…”
Matthew kissed his jaw and Taerae’s breathing stuttered. “We don’t have to think too much about it. I enjoy kissing you and you enjoy kissing me, hopefully, and that’s it.”
“I do,” Taerae nods. “I do enjoy kissing you.”
“Thank God,” Matthew’s eyes crinkled as he looked at Taerae. “We could just be a couple of best friends who sometimes kiss each other.”
Taerae found himself not minding it one bit.
III.
That ‘sometimes’ then turned into once a week, to three times a week, to almost every day, and it went on for far longer than Taerae expected. It was like Taerae blinked and suddenly they were two months into this ‘arrangement’, but at the same time, he remembered every single one vividly. When they’re not together, they text or call each other. When they’re together, they would both be unreachable until they’re done.
It amazed Taerae how no one in their friend group have noticed them yet. Considering the fact that they didn’t really try to hide it. He bet his right arm everyone could feel the shift in his and Matthew’s relationship but didn’t say anything.
It didn’t shock him, though, that Hanbin was the first person to know. More like walked in on one of their make-out session.
“Oh,” Hanbin squeaked, mouth opening into a big ‘o’ shape that always made him look like a scared hamster. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t know you guys… were… I’m sorry,” Hanbin turned around, hand ready to open the door he just walked in through. “I’m just gonna go.”
“Hyung, where are you going?” Taerae and Matthew failed to hold in their laugh. “This is your apartment. I’m leaving anyway, don’t worry.”
Hanbin smiled awkwardly and Taerae almost made fun of him for it but got distracted by a tug on his shirt. “You’re leaving? Already?” Matthew asked with a pout. Taerae kissed his pout away and smirked at the way Hanbin gasped from behind him.
“I’ve been here since lunch, I think I’ve overstayed my welcome.”
“Stay,” Matthew asked him, his voice soft like he wanted Taerae to be the only one to hear him. “Join us for dinner. Hyung is cooking tonight. Right, hyung?” He looked at Hanbin, his voice a bit louder now.
Hanbin flinched when both their attention landed on him. “Oh, uh, yeah. You could join us if you want, there’s always room for more.”
Taerae looked back at Matthew’s pleading eyes and couldn't find it in his heart to say no. They didn’t kiss again for the rest of the night. Hanbin didn’t address the elephant in the room even though he caught the older one looking like he was close to asking about it, about them.
“You’re okay with Hanbin-hyung knowing?” Taerae looked up from where he was tying his shoes.
“Are you?” He asked back.
Matthew shrugged. “It’s about time. I’m surprised he didn’t catch us sooner.”
Taerae chuckled at how Matthew seemed to take the words right out of his mouth. “Yeah,” was the only thing he managed to respond.
They lingered there for a while, Matthew leaning on the door and Taerae looking at him. Matthew broke off the weird tension with a light peck on his lips. Taerae smiled at him before excusing himself.
He found himself still smiling even after he finished showering and slipped under his own covers.
IV.
The rest of the group found out about them at the same time in the most comical way possible. In their defense, they forgot about the scheduled movie night at Hanbin and Matthew’s place. Taerae just really needed a distraction and Matthew was the perfect person to give him just that. Taerae didn’t even plan on doing anything, he just really needed to see Matthew and maybe rant a little about his new group-mates’ poor work ethic.
Taerae got hungry when he reached Matthew’s apartment and successfully persuaded Matthew to make him his favorite sandwich. He realized a bit too late that that was a mistake because the view of Matthew with his sleeves rolled up cooking in the kitchen did something to him. Taerae felt like his body has a mind of its own when he walked over to where Matthew was busy with the sandwiches and started kissing him.
Taerae couldn’t help but run his hands up and down the other’s arms appreciatively. The hum Matthew let out at the touch traveled from his throat to Taerae’s lips and it felt dizzying. Kissing Matthew always felt dizzying in the best way possible. Matthew turned them around until Taerae’s back meet the tile of the counter and Matthew swallowed Taerae’s whine at the coldness.
They didn’t hear the loud footsteps coming from outside of the door. They didn’t hear Hanbin turning the lock and opening the door to the apartment. They did, though, hear Hao’s dramatic scream and a small ‘what the fuck’ that sounded very similar to Ricky.
“What’s wrong–oh,” Gyuvin sounded disgusted. “Hyungs, why are you doing that in the kitchen? At least do it in Matthew-hyung’s room or something, geez.”
Taerae felt like he just got hit with a strange feeling of deja vu, an exact copy of what happened with Hanbin a few days ago. This time was a bit more embarrassing because there were seven pairs of eyes on them. He hid his face in Matthew’s neck and felt the other’s hand running up and down his back in a comforting manner.
“What are you guys doing here?” Matthew asked back.
“Uh, we’re supposed to watch a movie together, remember?” Hao deadpanned.
Taerae could hear the soft ‘oh’ from Matthew’s lips. He couldn’t help but laugh at the fact that neither of them remembered. Taerae pulled back enough to see the same look of amusement on Matthew’s face and laughed even harder. Matthew held his hand and pulled him towards where the rest of them were sitting, ignoring Hao’s protests of why they hid this from the group for so long.
Taerae still thought coming there early was worth it.
V.
Taerae hates Canada. It’s nothing personal, it’s just too far from where Taerae needs Matthew to be—by his side. It’s been three years of Matthew not coming back home and Matthew was bursting at the seams with excitement when he broke the news to Taerae. Back then, he couldn’t help but smile back. Taerae kissed him and felt Matthew’s smile on his lips and thought nothing would ever feel better than that.
Don’t get him wrong, Taerae was happy for Matthew. He couldn’t imagine not seeing his own parents for more than three months. He just missed his best friends, that’s all, and maybe missed kissing him too.
Matthew still texted him and they spent more than enough time talking on the phone, so Taerae refused to be that dramatic. Still, three weeks is too long to go through without Matthew.
matthewris
wyd
You
wtfff ew
u know what dont come back here
matthewris
LMAO
shut up
but srsly what are you doing
Missing you, Taerae thought and almost replied with that but decided against it.
You
nothing
just on my phne
phone*
you?
matthewris
same
it’s lonely here without you
His phone almost slipped from his hand and he couldn’t help the smile that took over his face.
You
yeah?
it’s the same here without you so..
matthewris
liar
i know you miss me
hanbin hyung said you couldnt stop sulking
Taerae’s mouth opened in shock. He didn’t think anyone noticed the change in his mood. Granted, he has been sulking, declining offers to hang out, and sighing every five seconds—okay, maybe Taerae should have seen this coming.
You
:/
i just miss kissing u
matthewris
so im just a pair of lips to u :(
i thought were best friends :(
youre breaking my heart taerae :(
You
look at ur dramatic ass :/
ok i miss hanging out with u too i guess.
matthewris
you guess?????
but i’ll take it
i miss kissing u too btw
Taerae couldn’t take it anymore. His cheeks hurt from all the smiling. Taerae forgot when was the last time he felt this giddy while texting someone. Maybe it was when he had a crush on a senior back in high school or the one guy who worked at the bookstore who asked for his number and ghosted him three days after making him laugh over text for three days straight, or—oh.
The realization hit him like a truck. Maybe all this time it has been a Matthew thing. How he couldn’t stop thinking about kissing Matthew. How he felt giddy every time he got to spend time with Matthew. How he felt like half of his soul was gone when Matthew left to Canada.
Taerae didn’t know when exactly it happened, but along the way, he had fallen for his best friend.
matthewris
did u fall asleep?
typical taerae
dont complain to me when ur phones dead tmrw morning
i’ll be back tomorrow btw i hope u didnt forget
dont forget to pick me up tmrw u promiseeedd
u can finally kiss me again
if u rly cant wait, just dream of me and i’ll kiss u there
lollllll
ok night
Taerae threw his phone across the room after reading Matthew's texts.
“No,” he said to himself.
With the realization, every single text that came from Matthew became too much for his heart to handle. Even when he was eleven hours away, he still managed to make Taerae dizzy.
“Fuck,” he felt like ripping his hair out.
Deep inside, Taerae knew that it was inevitable. That it's impossible to be the sole receiver of Seok Matthew's affection and attention and not get addicted. That not even him could resist Matthew. Especially him.
He picked up his phone and looked at Matthew’s texts once more before turning off the screen to charge his phone. He needed to sleep and let his future self deal with it instead. Tonight he refused to think about Matthew.
That night, he ended up dreaming about kissing Matthew. So much for not thinking about him.
VI.
Taerae was pacing and bouncing that even Ricky asked him if he was okay.
“Yeah,” Taerae gulped. “‘M fine.”
Hanbin sent him a weird look, the look reserved for whenever the younger ones were doing something suspicious. Taerae always thought that look was funny, but now that it was directed at him, he couldn’t help but look away.
It was exactly five minutes and twenty-eight seconds later that Taerae saw the familiar mop of blonde hair. He jumped out of his seat, startling Hao and Yujin. He heard Hao saying something along the lines of what is wrong with him but he tuned it out when Matthew’s eyes landed on him. Matthew smiled at him and he wondered how he survived three weeks without seeing that smile in person. Taerae ran to where Matthew was excitedly walking towards them and met him in the middle.
“Hey–” Taerae shut him up with a kiss.
“I miss you,” Taerae breathed out on his lips.
Matthew had the audacity to laugh. “Damn, you really did miss me. I thought Hanbin-hyung was joking.”
“I miss you,” Taerae started again, his voice a bit louder this time, “And I don’t want to kiss you as my best friend anymore.”
Matthew let out an adorable confused sound and Taerae had to hold himself back from biting his nose.
“The past three weeks were hell for me. I want you, Matthew, and not just as a best friend I kiss.”
Matthew’s eyes widened, just like the first time he kissed him, but now Taerae could recognize the emotions that flash through them. Shock, disbelief, relief, happiness. Matthew smiled so wide his eyes disappeared from it.
“Took you long enough,” was the only thing Matthew said before he dropped his bag and finally kissed Taerae again, and not as a best friend this time.