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“And we’re back in five, four…” The production assistant finishes the countdown silently with her fingers, and Maury adjusts his collar.
“Welcome back to the Maury Povich Show!” he announces to the camera. “If you’re just joining us, we have some very special guests—Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel from Lothlorien. Now, tell us why you’re here.”
The pair of golden-haired elves look regal in their elegant robes and silvery circlets. “We were invited to share tips for a lasting marriage,” Celeborn answers.
Maury nods. “And you’ve been married for a few thousand years?”
“Yes.”
“It’s been a good marriage, correct? No bumps along the way?”
“None,” Celeborn says with confidence.
“That’s interesting,” Maury replies. “Because there’s someone here today with a different story.” The crowd reacts with hushed murmurs and gasps. “In fact, my next guest says that you spent nearly an entire age apart,” Maury goes on. “Is that true?”
The elves exchange tense glances. “There was a war,” she says. “And Celeborn was missing. I—”
“Why don’t we wait until everyone involved is here first,” Maury interrupts. “Please welcome Sauron, the Dark Lord of Mordor, to the stage.”
The audience ripples with noises of apprehension and anticipation. Color drains from Galadriel’s face and Celeborn nearly rises to his feet, outrage pinching his features. Wearing a starless, spiky crown, Sauron saunters onstage with a feral grin, his fiery gaze pinned on the Lady of Light as he takes his seat.
“Sauron,” Maury says “—I can call you Sauron, right?”
The Dark Lord shrugs. “Galadriel might prefer it if you called me Halbrand.”
“Deceiver!” she spits.
Maury raises a hand. “Now, now. You’ll each get a chance to tell your side of the story.” He gestures toward Sauron. “Let’s start with you. You’ve told us that you and Galadriel forged a deep bond during the time that Lord Celeborn was missing.”
“We did,” Sauron replies the same moment Galadriel says, “I didn’t know who he was!”
Maury looks between the pair. “There’s even more to the story, isn’t there?”
Galadriel aims a glare at Sauron as if in silent warning, but he smirks back at her. “You mean aside from when she declared that something greater than fate brought us together?”
“That’s pretty serious,” Maury agrees. “But you’ve got another shocking revelation for us.”
“I do, Maury.” Sauron gives the elves a smug grin. “Celebrían is my daughter.”
Celeborn leaps out of his seat, jabbing a finger toward the Dark Lord. “Lies!”
“I can prove it,” Sauron explains calmly. He turns his attention to the audience. “You see, there’s an important fact of the hröar. The Ainur lose the ability to shapeshift when we have children.”
“Or when you remain in a form for too long!” Galadriel counters.
“As much as you love this fair face,” Sauron argues back, his eyes glowing brighter, “do you think I would restrict myself to this weakened human form?” Shadows curl at his feet.
“Perhaps the Valar finally cursed you for your evil deeds!” Celeborn chimes in with another accusatory jab.
Sauron stands up, darkness climbing up his body like ghost armor. “Careful, elf. You’re only alive because she holds affection for you.” He gives the other man a dismissive once-over. “Though, I cannot see why.”
Celeborn sneers, but Maury talks over him. “Speaking of the Valar, we contacted them to see if they could tell us what Celebrían’s lineage is. And they were able to.”
The production assistant dashes forward to hand Maury a scroll. “Are you ready to hear the results?” The crowd cheers. “Celeborn? Galadriel?”
Celeborn takes his seat and waves a hand dejectedly. Galadriel looks stricken.
“Sauron?”
The Dark Lord crosses his arms. “By all means.”
Maury opens the scroll and studies it. “When it comes to the lineage of Celebrían, daughter of Galadriel of the Noldor, Daughter of the Golden House of Finarfin, Sauron—” he pauses for dramatic effect, “—you are the father.”
The audience goes wild as Celeborn leaves the stage in disgust.
Sauron points at Galadriel with vindication on his face. “Did I not say? Did I not say?”
“I will not let you infect her with your darkness!” she bites out.
The argument continues while Maury turns to the camera. “Unfortunately we’re out of time. Tune in next time when we invite our Middle Earth friends back where Lord Celeborn will finally tell his wife where he was during the second age—and it’s not what you think.”