Chapter Text
* * *
Make me feel like I am breathing
Feel like I am human
Again
* * *
A few hours ago, Chuuya had to drag Dazai out of the river on a cold night. They were supposed to go on a mission together at Mori's orders. Chuuya tried calling Dazai several times, but he did not pick up.
That could mean only one thing: Dazai was attempting suicide again. He had grown accustomed to the feeling by now, attempting it twice a week. Occasionally, he would attempt it three times, but those occasions were rare.
Chuuya had to go to Dazai's 'home' to check on him, but he wasn't there. With the beginning of winter, the nights were getting colder, and Chuuya knew that Dazai could easily freeze to death in his shipping container. That's why Chuuya was letting him sleep in his apartment during the winter. However, there were times when Dazai didn't show up at his doorstep to sleep, and that's when Chuuya knew that he was attempting something again.
Chuuya searched all the places where Dazai usually tried to end his life, but he was nowhere to be found. Walking around the streets of Yokohama, Chuuya braved the freezing weather, despite being well dressed, he still shook slightly from the cold.
After what felt like ages, Chuuya was lucky to come across a river and spot Dazai's body floating, being carried away by the river's waves. With no other choice, Chuuya jumped in after him and pulled him out. The water was so cold that it felt like a thousand knives were pricking his skin. Once he reached Dazai, he grabbed his arm and began swimming towards the shore to get them out of the freezing water.
After Dazai woke up, he was unusually quiet. Usually, he would start joking around about it. But this time was different. On their way back, Dazai didn't say a word.
Very weird
Thought Chuuya as they walked back to his apartment. Dazai looked more tired than usual, with deep dark circles under his eyes and a pale face. He looked like he was drained of all his energy.
The fact that he didn't say anything made Chuuya furious. But he tried not to make a scene on the street, so he waited until they got home.
Chuuya couldn't help but feel a sense of unease wash over him as he turned to look at Dazai. They had just reached the elevator, but something was off. Dazai's face was completely devoid of any emotions, his eyes blank and distant, as if he were lost in his own thoughts.
Chuuya had seen Dazai in many different states, but he had never seen him like this before. It was as if Dazai was there only with his body, his mind and soul somewhere far away. The silence between them was palpable, and it only served to heighten Chuuya's growing sense of unease.
As they waited for the elevator to arrive, Chuuya found himself studying Dazai more closely. The normally lively and animated man seemed drained of all vitality, his shoulders slumped and his gaze unfocused. It was as if he had lost his spark, his essence.
He looked empty...
A little worry was starting to build up inside Chuuya as he looked at him. He never saw Dazai this bad before. He was unrecognizable.
It wasn't the first time that he had found him in such a state, and he feared that it wouldn't be the last. He knew that Dazai's battle with depression was an ongoing one, and he couldn't let his guard down.
Chuuya had learned that the hard way.
Chuuya had learned to anticipate these moments and had taken steps to prepare himself for them. He knew that he couldn't control Dazai's actions, but he could control the environment in which they occurred.
Chuuya had hidden away all the sharp objects, chemicals, and pills that Dazai could use to harm himself. He had even gone as far as to lock away his own medication, as he knew that Dazai had a tendency to try something again when he was feeling low. He had done everything in his power to ensure Dazai's safety, but he knew that there were no guarantees.
After the elevator doors opened, Chuuya started to walk ahead to his apartment. The hallway was mostly empty, so he didn't worry about Dazai trying to do something there. Chuuya doubted that Dazai would easily run away. He looked too exhausted to do so and was genuinely following Chuuya everywhere in his current state.
It was something Dazai rarely did, only when he was feeling really bad. He was like a small kid following his guardians when he did something wrong, to say sorry, but not knowing how to start a conversation with an angry parent. He was following Chuuya, somehow showing him he was sorry, but Dazai would never admit it out loud.
But Chuuya knew better. He was the only one who could sense and read Dazai better than anybody else. He could not tell what was in his head; he wasn't even intending to try and understand Dazai's thinking patterns. Trying to do such a thing would give him an excruciating headache, or he'd go mad. But Chuuya somehow knew what was going on or what his next move would be.
When he reached his door, he unlocked it as fast as he could and entered his apartment. Chuuya slammed the door behind him as hard as he could, not caring if it would break. His hair and clothes were soaking wet from the freezing river, and he was extremely cold and angry. He just wanted to finish this quickly and go to sleep.
'Forget Mori's orders and mission. That can wait' he thought.
He rushed to his windows, making sure they were all closed and locked so Dazai wouldn't try anything while he slept.
From behind, Dazai finally caught up to Chuuya and slowly opened the apartment door. Dazai was drenched from head to toe, and his clothes, bandages, and hair were all soaked with water. Only one of his eyes could be seen as the other was wrapped in a bandage around his head. His dark eyes looked unusually lost, and there was a deep pool of emptiness, like a void, in them.
Chuuya turned to face him, his expression serious and cold.
"What the hell were you thinking when you jumped into the river?" Chuuya yelled, getting closer to Dazai and grabbing his shirt collar. Water dripped from the wet material as he squeezed it in his arms.
Chuuya was a little shorter than Dazai, even though they were both 16 years old. His eyes were full of anger as he looked Dazai up and down, trying to control the urge to punch him in the face.
Dazai stayed quiet. It was almost as if he had dissociated, not hearing a single word that Chuuya had just told him. He didn't feel anything around him, even as drops of freezing water fell on his face from his dripping wet hair.
"Hey, you bastard, are you even listening?" Chuuya shook him hard enough to snap him out of it. Dazai lifted his head to look at Chuuya, but his eyes were still empty like a void. Chuuya couldn't read anything from his facial expression, but he knew Dazai was in a really dark place right now.
By looking at the void in Dazai's eyes, Chuuya could tell that this was one of those times when Dazai had lost all control. It had happened before, but never this badly.
Dazai just stood there, looking at Chuuya with his clothes, hair, and bandages still soaked with cold water. He didn't move a finger, nor did he blink once. It was the first time that Chuuya had ever been creeped out by Dazai. He looked like a walking corpse, to put it in words. Absolutely terrible.
'A quiet Dazai is the most terrifying Dazai'
Chuuya sighed and let his hands fall to his sides, releasing Dazai's wet shirt collar. He then grabbed Dazai's wrist and pulled him into the bathroom. The first thing Chuuya had to do was to make sure Dazai wouldn't die of hypothermia. He was as cold as a dead body. Maybe he was still in shock from his fall into the river. That freezing cold water was enough for Chuuya himself, and he was only in it for two minutes, the time it took him to jump in and drag Dazai back to the surface. Who knows how long Dazai had been in it? He must be in great shock to not even speak or at least crack a joke to make it seem like he was fine, as he usually does.
Once they both got into the bathroom, Chuuya left the water fill the tub and turned to Dazai, he softened his eyes a little, looking less angry.
"You should take your clothes off and take a warm bath or you'll catch a cold." His voice was softer too. Dazai just stared into space. "Hey! Snap out of it. Look at me!" Chuuya slowly approached him again, taking Dazai's wrists in his hands in a gentle manner.
He never had to deal with something this bad before. He had no idea what to do. All he knew was that he had to be more gentle with Dazai for a few moments. At least until Dazai is feeling more like....himself
Chuuya sights again. It was obvious that Dazai won't move. So, Chuuya begins to undress Dazai, starting with his black coat that he was normally wearing pinned with safety pins on his shoulders. He threw the coat in a corner in the bathroom, he will take care of their clothes after he deals with whatever was going on with Dazai. He begins unbuttoning Dazai's shirt taking it off, letting it fall to the ground. Then his pants too. Chuuya looked at Dazai, his eyes were serious.
He was thin, too thin. His ribcage was pretty visible, his shoulder bones and collarbone were poking out. His arms and legs were too thin for his age. This was not the first time Chuuya had seen his body, but he couldn't get used to seeing him like this. He played it off to not make Dazai feel worse than he already was. Chuuya looked at the wet bandages that were covering his body.
"We need to take those off too..." Chuuya said, pointing at the wet bandages from around Dazai's neck, arms, and chest. He could tell this was a hard task for Dazai because of the way he looked away, with a little shame creeping on his face as he took one step back, but it quickly disappeared. It wasn't the first time Chuuya had to see him without his bandages either. Dazai trusted him, and Chuuya was the only one who was able to help him clean new wounds or change them.
Dazai turned back to Chuuya and gave him an approving look. He stretched out his arms to him, allowing him to take off his bandages.
Chuuya then began to unwrap his bandages from his arms, feeling worried about what could be underneath them. If Dazai was in such bad condition, Chuuya was sure that his self-harm was more serious than usual.
Just as he thought, as he unwrapped the bandages, he revealed some new deep, fresh cuts. Some of them were longer, some of them smaller, but it was worse than they had ever been.
Chuuya was used to seeing Dazai without his bandages; it was not the first time he had to change them for him. But this was the first time he had seen how bad Dazai was getting, and it was really worrying.
After he finished unwrapping all of Dazai's bandages, Chuuya helped him get into the tub filled with warm water. He made sure not to make the water too hot since he knew that Dazai didn't like it that way.
"Stay here!" Chuuya commanded. "And don't try anything. I'll leave the bathroom door open just in case. I'll be back in a minute." Dazai just looked at him for a moment before turning his head to stare at the bathroom wall, lost in thought or dissociating.
Chuuya left to change his wet clothes since the wet material and cold were bothering him even more. The situation was already too much, and he wanted to stay calm while taking care of Dazai. Changing his clothes was a small thing he could do to alleviate some of the stress. It didn't take him long, and he didn't hear anything from the bathroom, so he assumed Dazai was still staring at the wall as he had left him.
However, something in Chuuya's mind screamed at him to go back to the bathroom.
That's right. How could he be so stupid and let Dazai alone in a tub filled with water. It was to easy for something to go wrong. Dazai was too smart for his own good, and he had a deep understanding of suicide. Chuuya knew that it was possible that Dazai had found a way to end his life quickly and without making a sound. The thought sent shivers down his spine, and he felt a wave of panic wash over him.
Without hesitation, Chuuya ran back into the bathroom, his heart pounding in his chest. He stopped in front of the bathtub, afraid to look inside, but unable to turn away. He took a deep breath and looked down, his eyes searching for any sign of life.
Relief flooded through him as he saw Dazai lying in the tub, his head resting on the side, and his eyes closed. Chuuya's heart rate slowed, and he let out a sigh of relief. He looked at Dazai, who was slowly opening his eyes, confusion written all over his face.
Chuuya felt a wave of emotion wash over him, and he couldn't help but feel grateful that Dazai was still alive. He let out a laugh, with mix of relief, and let his head fall forward.
He's okay!
Chuuya let out a breath of relief and walked closer. Dazai's eyes started to look more alive. At least, he looked like he was aware of his surroundings and what was happening. He looked a little better and more in control compared to when they arrived at Chuuya's apartment.
Chuuya's hands reached for the shampoo bottle, and his fingers wrapped around it with ease. The soft click of the cap echoed in the bathroom as he twisted it off, his movements measured and deliberate. As the scent of lavender filled the air, he poured a generous amount into his palm, his eyes focused on Dazai's hair.
The strands were long and tangled, knotted together in a mess of dark curls. Chuuya's heart ached as he took in the state of Dazai's hair, the exhaustion etched into every strand. With a deep breath, he began to massage the shampoo into Dazai's scalp, his fingers working their way through the tangles with care.
Each stroke was slow and deliberate, his hands moving in a gentle rhythm. Chuuya could feel the tension in Dazai's body slowly beginning to ease, his breathing deepening with each passing moment. As the lather bubbled and foamed, he focused on washing Dazai's hair.
With a final rinse, Chuuya set the bottle down and turned his attention to Dazai's arms. The cuts were deep, and some were still oozing blood as they crisscrossed along his skin.
With each cut he tended to, Chuuya's heart grew heavier. Each wound was a testament to the pain and suffering that Dazai had endured, the weight of the world resting heavily on his shoulders. But still, Chuuya worked on, his movements slow and deliberate as he focused on each cut in turn.
As he finished, Chuuya looked up at Dazai, his eyes searching for any sign of relief. The lines of pain and tension on his face had eased somewhat.
This was getting out of hand. The attempts were draining for both of them. But Chuuya felt exhausted and wanted a break from this. Everything became too much at some point for everyone. The thought that he wouldn't reach Dazai in time one time was really bugging him.
He hated him, of course. He hated him with a burning passion, but he couldn't help but pity him. Chuuya didn't show it. He knew Dazai wouldn't like it. He hated it when people pitied him. And for the state he was in, showing pity would only make things worse.
After finishing cleaning and rinsing Dazai's body, Chuuya helped him get out of the tub. It was a good thing his body stopped shaking and the water wasn't as cold as before. Dazai seemed genuinely more relaxed too, and his eyelids were threatening to close soon. The lack of sleep was finally getting to him.
But he couldn't sleep yet; Chuuya still had to put a new set of bandages on his wounds at least. It wouldn't kill Dazai to sleep a night without his whole body covered in bandages; his skin needed a break from them.
Chuuya took Dazai to his bedroom and gave him a shirt and sweatpants to sleep in. They were Chuuya's size, but on Dazai's slim figure, they didn't look much different. Chuuya pushed aside his concerns for now and let Dazai stay in his bed. He retrieved his first aid kit from the nightstand and took out some new bandages.
With practiced ease, Chuuya carefully wrapped the new bandages around Dazai's injured arms, methodically looping them around the affected areas. The sound of rustling fabric filled the otherwise silent room, occasionally interrupted by the clink of medical supplies. As he worked, Chuuya's gaze swept over Dazai's face, noticing the lines of exhaustion etched on it.
Despite the pain, Dazai remained silent, his eyes closed, the long lashes casting shadows on his cheekbones as he fought to keep himself awake. He was so tired, his body aching and sore from the cold he had experienced in the river not too long ago. Chuuya's gentle touch was a welcome relief, the bandages a comforting weight on his arms. As the wrapping progressed, Dazai's mind began to drift, the pain and weariness receding into a distant haze.
But as Chuuya moved to wrap the other arm, Dazai's eyes began to flutter open. The quiet rustle of fabric and the occasional sounds of cars driving past outside were the only sounds in the room, but they seemed to echo in his ears like thunder. The pain was intensifying, his body feeling like it was on fire, and the thought of enduring another round of wrapping was almost too much to bear. Yet, he remained silent, his eyes fixed on Chuuya's skilled hands as they deftly wrapped the bandages.
As the bandages were finally secured, Dazai let out a soft sigh, his eyes slipping closed once more. The room was quiet again, but the tension between the two men was palpable. Chuuya's gaze flicked over Dazai's face, searching for any sign of discomfort or pain, but all he saw was exhaustion. It's not like Dazai would ever let him know he was in pain anyway.
Chuuya carefully set the first aid kit down on the nightstand, taking a moment to catch his breath and steady his nerves. As he turned to face Dazai, Chuuya's expression softened. The tension in his face eased, and his eyes still held a bit of concern.
"I'll sleep here, on the ground." Chuuya said in a raspy voice, which hinted at the physical toll that the rescue had taken on him. "I'm not risking sleeping in another room." Chuuya wasn't going to let Dazai be by himself in his room. His apartment was mostly safe from all the things that Dazai could use to harm himself, but Chuuya knew better than anyone. Dazai would find something, anything, that could potentially harm himself.
Dazai didn't say anything in response. He simply lay in bed, pulling the blanket up over his head. Chuuya could tell that Dazai was exhausted, both physically and emotionally. But most of all, mentally.
Without hesitation, Chuuya grabbed a pillow and another blanket and made himself a makeshift bed on the floor. It wasn't the most comfortable thing, but it was enough for him. Chuuya wouldn't sleep in the same bed as Dazai for two reasons. One was the fact that Dazai kicked in his sleep, and Chuuya had learned that the hard way. And two, because Dazai needed space right now. He was already too vulnerable for the night, and any closeness could make things worse for both of them. So it was settled from the beginning that Chuuya had no intention of sleeping in the bed with Dazai.