Work Text:
Matt had just gotten home and peeled off his suit, running hands over the forming bruises and was about to take a shower and maybe put ice on the worse ones when his phone informed him Foggy was calling. Refusing to groan at the prospect of his night dragging on longer he picked up, shocked to hear Josie’s voice instead.
“Come pick your two drunk-ass friends up, they can barely walk.” She all but growled at him and Matt sighed.
“I’ll be there in twenty minutes, just put them in a corner and try to ignore them.” Matt suggested, already pulling on other clothes.
It actually took him fifteen minutes to reach the bar, and two to listen carefully and gauge just how drunk Karen and Foggy were, the answer was very. They were very drunk. That was possibly the drunkest Foggy had ever been, neither of them were truly excessive, they liked being able to at least remember their drunken humiliations. With a sigh Matt entered the bar, and if he hadn’t known where they were already the loud yells of his name would alert him.
“Matty! We drank the eel!” Foggy proclaimed loudly and Matt really didn’t want to know what that meant.
“Twice.” Karen added proudly.
“Very good, how about I help you both home?” Matt asked mildly.
“No Matt! You’ve got to help us drink it a third time because I’m not sure I’ll be awake by then!” Foggy had always had the strange ability to not sound nearly as drunk as he was but even he was slurring his words and that was a sure sign any more alcohol would probably knock him out and Matt didn’t want to carry him.
“Is there really an eel at the bottom?” Matt asked, almost morbid curiosity prompting him, shaking his head when they both loudly confirmed it, he really didn’t want to know that because now he could smell it.
“There is a mighty eel!” Foggy informed him causing Karen to giggle out something that might have been ‘for real’ or ‘Thor eel’ but that didn’t make much sense so maybe Matt’s hearing was just not working. “Let me just pull it out, we can show Matt, he can stroke it.” Foggy grabbed for the bottle making Matt wince.
“How about we come back and you let me help from the start?” Matt asked which of course Foggy agreed was only fair, and Karen caved quickly, but not before someone pulled the eel out of the bottle and laid it on the table. Thankfully Matt didn’t have to pet it.
“Alright, hold each other’s upper arms.” Matt ordered, ducking under their arms and wrapping one arm around Karen who was barely able to stand, Foggy was leaning heavily on him but could stumble. Beginning to move out Matt checked that they’d paid Josie before finding the door and having to wrap and arm around Foggy as well after he walked into the doorframe and would probably get a nice shiner from that alone. Shaking his head Matt began walking. Who thought it was a good idea to have the blind leading the incredibly drunk he didn’t know since another patron was asking why Josie called the blind guy.
“We should- we should totally do this more often.” Foggy sighed, cuddling into Matt’s side, because while his normal drunken state was similar to that of an over excited puppy that didn’t realise it was actually big his really drunk state was that of an octopus intent on hugging anything that stayed still long enough to be hugged.
“No. Drinking the eel is neither safe nor sane, please stop.” Matt groaned, having to hope Foggy would be able to hold on since he needed his stick. “How are you even conscious right now?”
“Is that a rule?” Karen giggled, playing with his hair.
“Yes. Rule number one of the Nelson-Murdock firm.” Matt said wishing he could duck away from her hand in his hair, but then they’d all fall over.
“We should have let Matt pat the eel.” Foggy murmured mournfully.
“Next time. He’ll pat the eel next time.” Karen assured.
“Rule number two; offering to pull the eel out of the bottle to prove its existence to me is not appreciated.” Matt declared.
“You gotta record them, otherwise they aren’t rules.” Foggy whined “Anyway, rules are made to be broken!” He declared, habitually telling Matt it was safe to cross the road.
“Excellent perspective for a defence attorney, try telling that to a judge, or a cop.” Matt teased.
Somehow they made it home without anyone being arrested or injured further, being something of a gentleman Matt dumped them both on the couch and forced them to drink a cup of water each. Then he had to carry Karen to the bathroom and sit her on the toilet, thankfully there was no puking involved and he just stood outside the door, then he carried her to bed and took off her belt, shoes, and jewellery, and made sure she was under the covers before he left. Part of him wanted to change her into something resembling sleepwear but he wasn’t sure if she’d be comfortable with that, even if he wouldn’t try to sneak a peak.
Foggy had already fallen asleep on the couch so Matt gave him the same courtesy, going further and tugging his shirt off since he knew Foggy would appreciate that. The pants were staying on though, maybe if Foggy were awake Matt would help, but not while he was asleep. Instead he collected an armful of blankets, laying one over Foggy before spreading the thickest on the ground, folding one into a pillow and shaking the fourth out. Before getting into his makeshift bed he grabbed asprin and a cup of water for both of them, leaving the cup and pills near where they would spot them quickly.
In the morning Matt got the dubious pleasure of witnessing Foggy wake up, swear loudly at the billboard, whimper at the volume of his own voice, and curl into the sofa as though attempting to become lost change. Matt shook the pan of bacon he was cooking, having quickly run out to the store to buy food the two severely hung over idiots would appreciate, any moment now Foggy would smell the food and the fight would begin. A groan from Foggy indicated it was now, and he slowly waved a hand out beside him until he found the tablets and water, picking them both up and barely turning his head to pop the pills into his mouth and quickly swallow some water.
“I’m always impressed how you either have no hangover, or the worst one known to man.” Matt commented, not even needing his enhanced sense to tell Foggy lifted his middle finger above the couch and said something that was probably narrating the action. “Charming, now do you want toast with your bacon and eggs?” Matt asked as his alarm went off in the bedroom, making Karen wake in a panic.
“How drunk did we get last night?” Foggy groaned moving his mouth enough for the words to actually make it past the cushion.
“Exceedingly. Now go borrow one of my t-shirts and make sure Karen takes the asprin.” Matt instructed. It was hard not to laugh at the series of noises Foggy made, managing to push himself off the couch, trip on his own feet, and walk into the door again.
“You need a goddamn seeing eye dog Murdock!” Foggy whispered, rubbing his forehead and walking into the doorframe with a shout, producing more groaning from both himself and Karen.
“You’re the one walking into doorframes.” Matt called back and turned his focus to not burning any of the food. After a few minutes the two stumbled out, falling onto the couch and buried their heads in their hands.
“How did we end up here?” Karen asked.
“Josie called me and I somehow managed to guide you both back. I considered at least changing your top for you but it seemed a little creepy.” Matt answered.
“If I am ever stupid enough to get this drunk again you may change me into comfortable sleeping clothes, I trust you not to be creepy.” Karen assured.
“I will keep that in mind but we made a rule about drinking the eel.” Matt reminded. “Here’s some disgustingly greasy breakfast for you two, did you even think that we have to actually be at work today?” He asked only slightly disapproving, he was just glad Foggy wasn’t too mad at him and Karen had been going through something she wasn’t telling them about. Even if they actually had cases after their involvement against Fisk became known, Matt could probably survive a day in the office on his own.
“We didn’t plan to get drunk, but after a few drinks it seemed like a good idea.” Karen groaned taking a tentative bite of some bacon. “Oh you are a god.” She grabbed the plate, taking some of the fried tomato next.
“Is there leaf in the egg oh patron saint of the incredibly drunk and/or hung-over?” Foggy asked, poking his scrambled eggs and Matt snorted, he wouldn’t make a very good saint.
“It’s called spinach and it’s good for you. Eat up.” Matt instructed with a smile, he’d always slipped healthy things into Foggy’s food, even the ramen noodles they occasionally lived on.
“Yes mummy.” Foggy rolled his eyes, and groaned at the action, taking a bite of the eggs so he couldn’t respond to Matt’s smile and hurt his head more. “So if we have rules now, does that make it ‘Matty and Foggy’s list, a list of things Matt and Foggy are no longer allowed in the Nelson & Murdock firm?’ ‘Cause that sounds cool.” Foggy asked.
“What about ‘Avocados at Law List; or things Franklin Nelson, Matthew Murdock, and Karen Page are no longer allowed to do’, since the rules are for all of us.” Matt suggested with a smile and they both agreed, already planning an appropriately auspicious way to write them up.