Work Text:
I was the match and you were the rock
Maybe we started this fire
We sat apart and watched
All we had burned on the pyre
[...]
Do you understand that we will never be the same again?
The future's in our hands and we will never be the same again.
- "Things we Lost in the Fire", by Bastille.
• • • •
Mito-san said it would be a good idea.
“I haven’t heard you talk to Killua on the phone for a while, is everything okay?” She asked one day, as Gon put his dish and glass in the sink, about to wash them.
He stopped dead in his tracks at that moment, trying to find an appropriate answer. She was right, the last time they had exchanged any sort of communication had been months ago, seven months to be exact, and Gon had put his best effort to pretend not to notice how long it had been, to pretend he didn’t remember details of their last interaction that kept replaying in his mind on an almost daily basis, interrupting his attempts of sleeping.
“He’s probably busy.” Yes, that’s why he hasn’t called me at all , Gon says to himself in the back of his mind.
Mito-san sits on the wooden table to look at him, but Gon puts his entire attention on washing the dishes. He hears Mito-san sigh behind him and guilt instantly settles on his face, but there’s no one to witness it.
“Friendships are two-way alleys. When two people are on the extremes, it takes one of them to reach out to the other for the alley to keep existing.”
“Yeah… It’s just that…” Gon knows she’s right, either of them should contact the other but Gon is terrified of taking the first step when he hasn’t heard a word from Killua in a while. ”I don’t know… I don’t really know what to say.”
She stays quiet for a moment. “Why don’t you write him a letter? Sometimes it’s easier to explain yourself in a letter.”
The moment he hears the idea, he loves it.
“You’re right, Mito-san! Thank you!” He quickly leaves the now-clean dishes in place and runs towards his bedroom, opening his drawers to find a pencil, a notebook, and an eraser.
On second thoughts, he puts the eraser back in the drawer. He wants his letter to be spontaneous; it probably won’t look very… nice, but it’ll be legible, he hopes. For some reason, erasing whatever comes to his mind at the moment and changing it for other things sounds like lying to Killua. He wants this to be his most sincere thoughts; all the things he’s avoided for months, years now, probably.
He could write a normal letter, a typical “how have you been?” letter, but Gon doesn’t want that. The first year after he returned to Whale Island all of their conversations were like that until they stopped having conversations at all, that’s why, this time, he’s going to do things right. He wants to have an actual and meaningful conversation with Killua; it’s the least their friendship deserves.
Sitting down with a big smile on his face, Gon holds the pencil and closes his eyes, the same way he always does when he’s about to answer a difficult exam for which he didn’t really study. He’s not scared, but he feels a bit pressured; he wants to give Killua a proper letter.
“A letter to Killua, my best friend in the entire world, from Gon ,” he writes at the top, with excitement and nervousness running through his veins in equal measure.
He thinks about what he wants to say the most.
“ I miss you so, so much ,” he continues.
Gon breaks down crying.
This is going to be more difficult than expected.
His tears messed up the first page of his notebook, so he chooses a new page to write on.
• • • •
A letter to Killua, my best friend in the entire world, from Gon.
There are so many things I want to tell you, I don’t know where to start, so I’ll just write the first thing that comes to my mind. I think this is the biggest proof of how honest I’m being with this.
(I hope you don’t freak out with this hahaha, but Mito-san gave me the idea to write you a letter and there are so many things I want to tell you, so I thought it would be a good idea. Is that okay? I hope it is because I’m already writing this and I don’t think I can’t stop until I finish this.)
But if it makes you uncomfortable, you’re totally free to ignore it, ok? Don’t mind me hahaha. Or if you want, you can also write a letter! Now that I’m doing it I can see it’s really nice, it’s like putting a weight off my shoulder, I guess? Maybe this will inspire you to start writing letters too! Or maybe you can have a diary if you want.
Ok I think you get it, sorry for all of that nonsense. Don’t worry, I’ll get to the good stuff in a sec! Just be a little patient with me ^^
Maybe it’s too late, but it’s better late than never, right? It’s been years since the first time we met and months since we last talked, but I want you to know that I haven’t stopped thinking about you for a single day. Even if we’re not exploring the same adventures and we’re now doing different things —you have your own path and so do I—, that doesn’t erase how important you were and always will be to me.
There has never been anyone like you, and there will never be. I’m sure of that!
I’ve heard of you through others (last time I talked to Leorio he said he had called you to “check up on you” lol), so as far as I know you’re doing fine (I really hope that’s true and Leorio didn’t lie to me though). He said you sounded happy, which makes me incredibly happy too! You deserve that more than anyone ever could.
You have no idea of how angry I’m at myself for not giving you that happiness and peace you deserved during the years we spent together. That makes me wonder if you’re better off without me! Hahaha maybe you are.
I know you pretend to be strong in front of others (although you are very strong, anyways, you know what I’m talking about), hiding what is really hurting you, so I’m not so sure if you are actually happy right now, or if it’s just that I’ve become someone so distant I now believe the masks you usually wear, even if I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that that’s not the case.
Sometimes XXXXX Sometimes I wonder if you’ve met someone new that makes you happy, and is always with you, just like I used to do.
And yes, I know I’m being selfish again (it’s something I’m working hard on getting rid of, especially after realizing that you ended up being the one most affected by it).
But I swear I’m not about to make a jealous point! When I think about you meeting someone new, someone that is as close to you as I was, I’m happy you know? It makes me feel so much joy to imagine that you are surrounded by people who love and appreciate you.
It makes me happy to imagine that you now have friends who won’t hurt you as I did.
Changing the topic, I still remember everything we went through together, as well as all the little things we got in the meantime (some photos and a red shirt that somehow ended up in my bag? I promise it wasn’t on purpose, but if you were looking for it then don’t worry because it’s here in my closet).
Although, my point for saying this is because I usually wonder if I’m the only one who can’t help but take out all of these things from the small box I have on the back of my closet, just to remember those moments we were happy together.
Do you also do that? I don’t know, but in my mind, it’s a bit weird to picture you doing the same hahaha
I’ve just noticed I used the word “together” way too much, oops
I know we’ve changed. I know that’s the reason why we fell apart, because we both needed time alone to find our own way and that is exactly what we did. It was the healthy and right thing to do.
But at the same time, these months by ourselves divided us. Am I being selfish for saying we shouldn’t have pulled apart?
My point is, we’ve both changed. I wonder if we will recognize each other the next we meet. And that scares me so much. I’m scared of talking to you again and realizing that our friendship has also changed, for the worse (that’s why I hid from you those times when you tried to talk to me).
Tell me, is it better to face reality, no matter how hard it might be, or would you rather maintain the illusion?
For years I’ve decided to keep that illusion for fear. I’m terrified. I don’t think my heart can take another loss after XXXXX <-- ignore that) you know, everything that happened with the ants.
I wonder if you’ll recognize my handwriting. You used to say it was awful (and it really was lol), but it looks very different now, and if, when you read this letter you ask yourself “did Gon really write this?” I want you to know that yes, it’s still my handwriting, it’s still me, I think.
But those are enough sad and confusing thoughts! I’ve been talking for so long and I still haven’t said what I really want to say the most. It’s what I’ve been hiding for a while now.
I’m sorry.
I’m really sorry. I promise you I am.
I’m sorry for not giving you something better during the short time we spent traveling, and I’m sorry for how everything ended, for not giving you the friendship and support you needed.
You deserved a better friend. You deserved something better than having a selfish child as your best friend.
Because you deserve the entire world, Killua. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
And I'm so sorry for not sending this letter sooner.
I’m sorry for how much I made you suffer. I’m sorry for not saying goodbye the proper way, for pretending everything was perfect when it wasn’t.
I’m so sorry for everything that happened. You have no idea of how many times I’ve wished I could travel back in time to erase the things I said to you, and to add the things I should have said.
I’m sorry for never saying “thank you” or “sorry” properly.
And I’m gonna write this with capital letters hoping you get my point.
THANK YOU KILLUA. YOU ARE THE BEST PERSON I HAVE EVER MET AND I WAS LUCKY TO KNOW YOU.
YOU ARE THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
THE BEST PART ABOUT BECOMING A HUNTER WASN’T MEETING GING, IT WAS MEETING YOU.
One day I will say this to you in person. I promise I will.
This is getting too long ahhhh please ignore that.
I dreamed about you the other day. We casually met on a beautiful, green field; it wasn't planned, I arrived there as part of a school trip but the moment I got off the bus I saw you and I ran as fast as I could, not sure if it was really you, just a few meters afar from me, until I captured your attention. And you looked at me, surprised, before the biggest smile appeared on your face. You stopped doing whatever it was you were doing —there were some people around you, they were your friends, I guess— to yell my name, so excited.
Alluka was also there, but I couldn't take my eyes off you as I ran towards you.
"Gon! You're really here!" You said, and I hugged you, harder than I ever did before. And you looked so happy, so at ease, it was a beautiful sight; it was so beautiful it almost made me cry but I controlled myself because I knew you wouldn't want to see that and because this was a happy moment for us.
I didn't want to stop touching you just to make sure you were still in front of me, close. We began talking like we always did, like we hadn't spent years apart and you began to tell me about your latest adventure and I told you about my school project and suddenly it was just us, together, again.
And then it ended. When I woke up I was so sad to see it was just a dream, I tried to fall asleep again to keep dreaming but it didn't work and that day I couldn't stop thinking about that smile you gave me; it was so beautiful! I really hope your smiles —in real life, wherever you're at now— are as big as the one I saw in my dream!
I’ve talked too much, but I just want to end this by saying that my life was better because you were in it.
You are funny and so smart and amazing, but among all of that, you are a great friend. The world is lucky to have you, and of course, that doesn’t mean you won’t find obstacles in your life (beginning with the ones found in your family…) but don’t let people like that hide your light. One that once illuminated my life.
When I think of you, Killua, I don’t know why but I remember the moonlight. I imagine a shiny, full moon that lights every part of a forest, no matter how high or leafy the trees are. It’s different from the light provided by the sun, which blinds me when I stare for too long and creates dark shadows on its way.
I prefer the moonlight. It’s calm and soothing, and you can stare at it for however long you want, but you’ll never get tired of the sight. No matter how many times you look at the moon, you always get astonished by how beautiful it is.
It’s just like you!
Finally, I just want to say that this isn’t a goodbye, it’s more like a confession letter where I stop running away from the thoughts I’ve kept way too long, for the things I should have said even longer ago. Because just like I said at the beginning, you are the most important person I’ve ever met and I don’t want you to forget that. Even if you feel alone, I want you to remember that there is a boy your same age out there, in his home, that will always carry you in his heart.
There will always be a boy that won’t stop being your best friend in the entire world.
Because I love you way too much and no amount of time can change that.
Thank you, Killua!
• • • •
Gon folds the sheets of paper and grabs an envelope. It’s too late by now, so he’ll be sending it tomorrow. He manages to fall asleep rather easily, his chest feeling lighter now.
He wakes up in the middle of the night. A song is playing and the sound is too loud.
A few minutes go by before he realizes the sound comes from his phone, which lies by the corner of his room under a lamp, covered in dust. The last time he received a call was three months ago or so, when Leorio had called.
“Yeah?” He says as a greeting because his mind is still kind of asleep.
“Hi, Gon. It’s Killua.”
Hearing that name works better than setting up an alarm because any trace of sleep on Gon instantly vanishes.
“Killua?! Is that really you? Is everything okay?” He half-yells, half-speaks.
“My ears, Gon! You don’t need to be so loud, everything is fine.” It’s odd, but Killua sounds the same as usual and that calms Gon’s throbbing heart.
“Killua is fine,” he thinks and smiles to himself.
“Ah, okay okay. Sorry, it’s just that it’s like 2am and you called and I freaked out.”
“Is it that late? Sorry, it’s morning here. I’ll call later, you should sleep.”
“No, no, it’s fine! I’m already awake, and now I won’t be able to sleep.” He makes no attempt to hide the big smile on his lips even Killua must have noticed it by now; he’s talking a bit hurriedly, scared that Killua will hang up. There’s no one to see him, though; his room is only barely lightened by the moon.
“Ah? That sounds like you’re blaming me for your lack of sleep!”
Gon laughs. “You sound happy Killua. Did something good happen?”
“W-What are you talking about? I’m normal.” Gon can picture the white-haired boy failing at hiding his blush and he smiles even harder; his cheeks hurt. “And what about you? Did something good happen to you ? You sound like you’re about to jump in excitement.”
“Of course, Killua! I received a call from you.”
Killua stays silent for a few seconds.
“You could’ve called too, you know?”
The atmosphere isn’t as bright anymore, but Gon isn’t deterred by it.
“I know I should have.” He sighs and tries to put all of his feelings into the words he’s about to pronounce, “I’m sorry, Killua. I’m sorry for everything, I—.”
Killua makes a surprised sound that interrupts Gon, but doesn’t push further. “It’s okay, Gon. I accept your apology, don’t worry.” His voice shows he’s being honest, and he’s doing the same as Gon, letting out the deepness of his feelings.
Gon feels his eyes water. He really doesn’t deserve Killua. “Thank you, Killua.”
“Did you forget what I always say? Friends don’t need to say ‘thank you’! Don’t think that has changed!” His voice sounds softer now, and Gon imitates his reaction, giggling.
“The other I saw a cat that looked just like you,” he says.
“What do you mean? I don’t look like a cat!”
“Of course you do! It was white, and his fur was up, like he had electricity inside his body…”
When Gon finishes his comparison of Killua and the cat, Killua then proceeds to compare Gon to a frog, and suddenly, the rest of the night goes by.
“I’ll send you a letter,” he says after Killua explains he has to go because Alluka wants to visit the museum before it closes.
“I’ll be waiting for it, then. Whenever it arrives.”
• • • •
Gon re-reads the letter before folding it again and putting it inside its envelope.
Talking to Killua and hearing his voice was more than he could’ve asked for. They talked for hours and he is sure they would have continued for many more without a problem.
But, as Killua described his adventures with Alluka, traveling the world and visiting new countries, Gon realized they were in different places —other than in a physical sense, obviously—.
Killua has a clearer mind now and is capable of accepting Gon’s apology, but Gon is still lost and trapped in the past, even after all this time. He doesn’t want Killua to live trapped in the past, too.
He doesn’t think he has become the friend Killua should have by his side, and he doesn’t want to interrupt Killua’s own self-discovery journey. They have stuff to work on still, in separate ways.
“It’s not time for our reunion yet,” he thinks as he puts the letter in the deepest part of his drawer. Neither of them is ready yet, but that’s okay, because Gon will work harder on himself, until he feels confident enough to ask Killua if he still wants him in his life.
Perhaps one day he’ll be able to send the letter.