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There’s always been something Dick found disconcerting about Jason, but the most unsettling thing might be how Jason chose to stay with him. In spite of their rough beginning and all the tumultuousness between them since, Jason is unrelenting. He’s persistent and tenacious and unapologetic in how he chooses Dick and it’s overwhelming. From the start, Jason has been devoted and it’s just–there’s coming on strong and then there’s whatever Jason does.
It’s not even that keenness that throws Dick off though, it’s more that Dick has done nothing to deserve it. Jason’s faith in him is blind; it’s misplaced, based entirely on an identity Dick tries to distance himself from because he’s no hero, especially not Jason’s.
There’s nothing good about Dick anymore. He knew himself until he didn’t and he’s been lost ever since; something soft made something brave, then cursed for all the terrible things Dick let touch it. Robin used to be an endearment. Dick twisted it to something unrecognizable. Dick, too–
And Jason knows. There’s no pedestal to put Dick on after Dick talks Jason off a ledge and admits the only poison between them is him. There’s nothing rose-colored to see of him when Dick grieves that there are no heroes - just cautionary tales. Because men are men, men are monsters, and Dick isn’t anything more than that most days. Sometimes, most times, Dick is hyper focused ambition and toxic passion and loyalty that’s more ferocious than gentle; he’s poor judgment calls and acting in excess and extremes because that’s all he knows.
He’s hurt people being how he is.
It’s the most honest Dick has been in probably his entire life and Jason meets him with a sincerity that’s gutting because Jason is empathetic in a way that’s telling and compassionate in a way that’s contradictory to anything anyone would ever assume of him. He doesn’t let Dick off, but he doesn’t let Dick go either although Dick wishes he would. Dick wishes everyone would - let him go, let him fall.
(Jason slipped from his hold and Dick was helpless but to watch in terror as Robin finally fell like he should have a lifetime ago and Dick doesn’t know who he was scared for or who he was thinking of: his parents, himself, Robin, Jason or everyone he’s ever failed to catch – they blurred until all Dick knew was heartache and torment and grief).
Jason first came to Dick as Robin, the ghost of everything Dick was fighting to let go of. At the time Dick was all dumbfounded bemusement and resentful indignation at this boy who took his mantle and wore his colors, but looking back on it now he wonders if Robin coming back into his life wasn’t a sign from the universe that this is it: what will save him, what will find him when he’s lost, what will protect him, give him purpose, help him find – freedom, opportunity, safety. Hope. Everything Dick ever lost sight of as Robin comes back with Jason. Dick might not be good, but Robin is and Dick should cling to what goodness is bold enough to stand alongside him and Jason isn’t scared of dark or volatile things. He doesn’t cower even when he should.
What’s disconcerting might be seeing magic brought back to Robin through all of Jason’s kindnesses. If not that, then the simple act of having a legacy. Or maybe it’s both those things and so much more because every day seems like a new opportunity for Dick to be blindsided and bewildered by something Jason does.
Today, for example. They’ve been sparring for some time now. It’s not the first time they’ve trained together since everything in Dick’s life fell apart (again) and his world was made small: this. Just the two of them. Dick the disaster and Jason - menace, support and comfort, but mostly menace. It’s not the first time they’ve trained since everything and yet it takes until then for Dick to place what it is this time that perturbs him about Jason.
The kid has been struggling to get a hit on Dick all afternoon, growing more and more vexed with each miss, self consciousness accompanying a rush of frustration. It’s something Dick notices, but is too distracted to do anything about. He anticipates another of Jason’s punches, the follow-up and the creative follow-up to that follow-up; blocking easily in spite of Jason being relentless and not easily read.
It really isn’t that Jason doesn’t fight well because he does; great instinct and quick thinking. Based on that alone there’s no reason Jason shouldn’t be able to hit him, but–
With another easy movement, Dick flips Jason to the mats and pins him. The force of impact knocks the wind out of the kid, but he recovers quick and with an irritable grunt at being bested again, thoughts racing as Jason tries to figure out what the fuck he’s doing so wrong.
“You fight like me.”
Only part of the disconcerting discovery for the day. It shouldn’t even come as a surprise though. Bruce chose Jason to wear Dick’s mantle, so obviously Bruce trained Jason to fit the mold. This is expected. What isn’t expected and is the majority reason why Dick is so unsettled is that Jason is actually wickedly insightful. Of course the kid’s execution (and presentation) could use some more work, but as far as tactics, strategy, preference and style of how he fights and defends and moves–it’s all Dick. Jason has him read.
It’s kind of amazing.
It’s also wildly unnerving.
When Dick stands up and offers his hand out to help Jason up, Jason looks between Dick and the offered help and heaves a breath before reaching out and letting himself get hoisted up. “Because I’m Robin.” Jason tells him, lurching a bit when Dick tugs him upright. An accident because while Jason acts larger than life sometimes, he’s surprisingly slight and Dick forgets. There’s something endearing about the way Jason bounces on the balls of his feet once he’s up again though - same as his crooked smile and eagerness to go again despite being bested.
Jason has adapted to fit the Robin role. It’s not that ill fitting in practice. The problem is just a lack of experience in everything. Jason was with Bruce for a year, but only trained for half of it; he didn’t even patrol much before being pushed onto Dick and Dick - he didn’t take the time to recognize Jason at all: his potential, his strengths.
It takes a special sort of person to be a vigilante, a hero. Dick doesn’t know if Jason is gifted in the way most of the community tends to be, but he’s something unconventional that Dick is still figuring out: vulnerable and compassionate and sensitive, all things easily taken advantage of - more weakness than strength and yet Jason is stronger for it.
Jason is smart. He thinks. He asks questions and welcomes instruction and applies corrections. Jason picks up on things quickly; he’s resourceful. There’s so much promise there and it becomes staggering once Dick sees how hard Jason is willing to work - the active effort he makes. Jason doesn’t take things as lightly as Dick first assumed, Robin least of all.
(He still remembers it: the reverence, the resolve, the tender affection and all the sweet sentiments both spoken and not; a timid smile and eyes full of hope).
(He’ll never forget it: ‘Robin is the greatest good I’ve ever known’).
It all makes Dick feel dizzy. He feels pride because this is his legacy: gentle-hearted and full of kindness. Maybe more than feeling disconcerted when Dick looks at Jason, he feels hopeful. A disconcerting thought in itself, honestly. He finds that he doesn’t quite mind it though. Hope - he thinks it’s been a long time since he’s felt it, since he’s been able to look at Robin and see it.