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Wylan had forgotten how much of a family the Dregs felt like. It didn't matter how long he was away, every time he came back to the Slat, there was a sense of this familiarity. Like you would always have your back protected in this place- and Wylan was more well known than he probably would have liked. Half because of his undeniable presence in the Dregs and their dealings, and half because Jesper was so well known. Everyone knew Jesper. Everyone knew Jesper and Wylan. It was why he hadn't been back to the Slat in over a year, because he was dreading the looks of pity and sadness because of everything that happened.
But it was as rowdy as always, and the moment that he stepped in, Kaz by his side, there was the loud and uncaring laughter that was so unique to this place, and part of Wylan instantly felt completely at home. There were constantly new people in the Dregs, and if he was honest, he had no idea how Kaz still managed to keep track of and know everything when it'd grown so much from what it once was. Someone called a loud 'Brekker!' and Kaz's hand rested lightly on Wylan's back, exactly where his own tattoo was, and led him through the room. He dipped his head slightly and spoke in Wylan's ear, "I'm going to go and speak to some people. You're welcome to come with me, but if you don't want to, then Nina and Matthias are sat over there." He gestured, and then brushed his lips lightly over his cheek. "Won't be long."
"Okay," Wylan tilted his head and smiled at him, and Kaz melted back through the crowd. He would have gone with him, but if he was honest, then he spent a lot of time with people and negotiations and meetings today, and he would rather go and drink with his friends. So he moved through the crowd of the Dregs and slid into the booth where his two newly married best friends sat speaking to each other. "Hey, lovebirds. How's it going?" He asked, nodding to the huge Fjerdan and the in contrast, much softer looking Nina next to him.
"Not bad." Matthias smiled down at his wife for a moment, and lifted her hand to press a kiss to her knuckles. "Well, who am I kidding. Great. Every day I spend-"
"Okay, okay, what did I say about it, Matthias?" Nina asked, raising an eyebrow, and Wylan didn't need to ask to know what she was talking about. It was an easy process of elimination. Nina enjoyed public affection, liked affection in general, which meant that she was simply more wary because Wylan was there. And if nothing else, then people treated him differently for one thing. Jesper. Losing Jesper. Straight after, it had done nothing more than frustrate him, the idea that he was being treated as more fragile. But if he was being honest with himself, he was more fragile back then. But not so much anymore. For a few reasons, but mostly due to the man he'd walked in beside.
Wylan waved a hand, shaking his head, "No, no, no. I'm fine with it. Don't hold yourselves back for me." Nina levelled a look at him that asked if he was sure, and when he nodded once again, she added another one that asked him how he was really doing. "I do actually have some news for you both. And, well, everyone." He cleared his throat, because he'd figured out recently that Kaz meant a lot to him. And he was going to make this thing between them work, and part of that meant that other people had to know- and he knew Kaz couldn't care less if he did it while they were physically together or not. "Kaz and I have kind of..." He gestured a little, a small smile on his lips. "Kaz and I are a thing. He was really there for me after Jesper died, and it just kind of developed. We're giving it a real shot."
With a delighted squeal, Nina was out of the booth and throwing herself at Wylan wrapped her arms around him. Squeezed tightly. "How long?" She asked, and pulled back sharply, her hands braced on his shoulders, and started into his eyes. "I have a million questions. I saw you two walk in together. Have you put a proper label on it? If so, who popped the question, and how? Have you been on a date? Why didn't you tell me sooner?" She asked, and then let go of him while Matthias looked at her with what seemed to be a mix of adoration and bemusement.
"I have a question," Matthias drawled quietly and tugged his wife back into the booth beside him, wrapping an arm loosely around her waist as she leaned into him, "Does he have a soft side that he just omits from the rest of us?"
"Yes. He hugely does. He is soft with the rest of you, just in his own way." Wylan trailed his fingers over the wood of the table lightly, smiling a little, because thinking about that side of Kaz always made him happy. The Kaz that he woke up to that would hold him just a little tighter, press kisses to his forehead and look at him with a half-awake smile that Wylan had started to cherish more than anything else. Getting to have that side of him. "We haven't put a proper label on it, but we're very much... you know, each other. We have been on a few dates, and we didn't tell you sooner in case we decided that you know- that it wasn't going to work out."
"We're glad for you. I'm glad to hear that you've found someone to open up to after everything that you've been through, Wylan, you and your kids hugely deserve it." Matthias murmured, giving him a short and accepting nod that Wylan felt like encompassed his entire personality. "But if he does do anything stupid and hurt you, then you just let me know about it, okay? More than happy to do something about it."
"Don't casually threaten to be 'more than happy' to hurt Kaz, Matthias. Come on." Nina rolled her eyes hugely, but reached over and grasped his hand tightly, "But he was right about the rest of it. You deserve to be happy, and if for some strange and twisted reason you find it in Kaz, then we all completely support you in that. I can definitely see why you two would be good for each other. And I really hope that you're happy together." There was a short and sweet pause. "But I will hurt him if he hurts you, yeah. I won't be happy about it-" She elbowed Matthias lightly- "But I would definitely do so."
Partly, Wylan wanted to roll his eyes at their protective nature, but he laughed and shook his head a little, staring across the room as though he'd be able to look through the walls and see him in whatever he was doing. "I... yeah. He wouldn't do that. I know that. We've had a lot of conversations about it, and I really feel like we're going to grow together. I really feel like we are good for each other and we always have been, but you know, we just haven't realised before now, because of Jesper. And I wouldn't change it. Everything works out the way that it's supposed to, and Kaz and I have worked out the way that we were supposed to, and... I'm honestly really, really happy about it. I'm really happy with him. He makes me- well, really happy."
"You know, I always thought that he had a soft side to him." Nina hummed quietly, "I figured it made sense. Everyone does. Even this great big Fjerdan next to me has a soft side, and I never would have thought that when I met him. Maybe Kaz isn't a demon after all, huh?"
Wylan was looking at his hands, smiling a little, because he hadn't had the chance to properly gush about the way that Kaz made him feel before now. He'd have to meet up with Nina and force her to listen to him more, some other time, because he couldn't deny how over the moon it made him feel. And he knew that she would be more than happy to listen to him. "Wylan. Matthias. Nina." At his voice, Wylan looked up with a ready smile, and then paused a little as he saw who was stood next to him. "Inej decided to drop by in a surprise visit fashion."
Nina reacted much the same that she had just a few seconds before, leaping to wrap her arms around Inej, who was laughing and smiling at her overly enthused response, and Matthias hung back a little. Wylan was pretty certain that they were good friends, but the Fjerdan didn't react in the same way that his wife did. Wylan was more inclined to follow his lead, because Inej looked a little busy with Nina at the moment. And, as much as he hated to admit it, he was wary because- he knew that Kaz had feelings for Inej, once upon a time, and what they had was very fragile. And the twined wedding band that used to be around her finger was gone.
Saved by the Kaz, he supposed, as he slid into the booth beside him, wrapped an arm around Wylan's waist and pulled him closer. "You look worried." He looked at Wylan pointedly. He never asked what was wrong, he just told Wylan he knew something was wrong and then gave him the space to talk about it. It was something that he'd grown to love about Kaz, because it was so distinctly Kaz. As though he realised something, though, he added a quiet, "Do you want to talk somewhere else?" He was pretty certain that the reason Kaz thought that he was worried was either because he was back in the Slat, or because Jesper's birthday was ain a few days, but he didn't know how to say that it was really because he was cautious for no reason around Inej. She was beautiful. She'd been everything that he wanted, once, and he didn't see how she couldn't become that again. Inej was a good fit for Kaz, potentially a better fit for Kaz, and he'd always thought it, but it'd never bothered him before because it wasn't like he and Kaz had ever- "Okay, I'll take that as a yes."
"No, no, Inej has just got here, I know that you'll want to talk to her and catch up and stuff," Wylan started fretting, wringing his hands out, "It doesn't matter, I'm okay. I know that you've got stuff to be doing, don't worry about me." He looked up at Kaz, and while he did mean it, he knew that it wasn't going to happen because of the look that Kaz gave him answered a question that wasn't even asked. "Kaz..."
"Wylan." He deadpanned, tilting his head. Expectant, as he always was.
"Wylan, it's really good to see you again." Inej had slid into the booth across from them both, and Wylan took the chance to turn to her and offer her a smile. He hadn't seen her since the once after she had gotten married to- Oscar, he believed- and that must have been almost five years ago now. A lot had happened since. She hadn't met Marianne, she hadn't been there when Jesper had died, she probably didn't know about him and Kaz. "How have you been doing? I'm very sorry that I couldn't have been there for Jesper's funeral, or to support you. We all grieve in our own way, and I think we all have for Jesper."
"Completely." Wylan agreed, nodding his head, because he hadn't held it against her, even then. He knew that Inej was out at sea, and he was pretty certain that she didn't know for a long time- getting letters out that far took a while and most of the time they didn't make it, anyway. "I've been doing very well, thank you. It's been unbelievably difficult, and I'll always love Jesper, but it's something that gets easier to deal with every day."
"I can't imagine." She sympathised with him, nodding her head in earnest, "But I'm glad to hear that everything seems to be looking up for you. If you ever need anything, and I can do it, then you know that you are more than welcome to come and ask me. I'll help in any way I can." Classic Inej- hugely kind and caring and considerate, despite what her reputation said about her, she'd always been like that. Had always welcomed Wylan into the circle and gone out of her way to be nice to him. She'd still do it now, and it made sense, and it made sense as to why Kaz would have liked her like he did. She was hugely kind, and caring, and-
"Wylan." Kaz was still staring at him, because as ever, he could read him like a book. His eyes said that there was no way he was getting out of this conversation.
"Thank you, Inej." Wylan said as genuinely as he could before he turned a look to Kaz and gestured with his hand, "Come on, then. Where are we going?" He asked and nudged Kaz slightly, who gave him a long look before he slid out of the booth, grabbed his cane, and gestured for Wylan to follow him as he started walking. He was getting more and more easily mobile as it got warmer. Nevertheless, as much as Wylan appreciated him stretching out in his own home, he felt as though Kaz wouldn't be quite complete without that crow headed cane in public. He was pretty certain that Kaz felt as though it was a carefully cultivated part of his image, as well. He was unmistakable, anyone in Ketterdam would know who he was once they saw that crow.
"You're worried." He reiterated once they reached his office, and closed the door. Wylan sighed, and walked over to his desk. Cleared a space on it and turned around and sat on it, watching Kaz as he walked forward. He'd left his cane leaning next to the door, and slid his hands to rest against Wylan's thighs. Stood between his legs. "Talk to me." It wasn't a question, he didn't ask questions very often- he was usually sure enough of himself and his thoughts and conclusions that there was no point in asking questions that he already knew the answer to. Wylan sighed.
"I don't know. I dunno. Inej coming back is like, it's thrown me off guard." Wylan murmured, watching Kaz's hands as his thumbs slid back and forth, and rested his hands against his chest. "I feel like this between us is just so new, and..." He dropped his head and then shook it a little. "I know that you and Inej had your thing before she went off and found Oscar, and I feel very much as though maybe she's a better fit for you, you know. I don't know. It's stupid. She's only just got back. I guess I've always thought that I mean- you're Kaz fuckin' Brekker, you know. I don't know why you're interested in me. But Inej, she's- she's kind and caring, and she's a huge asset to the Dregs, and she stands for everything that you do, and you obviously liked her for a reason before. Obviously. I know it's stupid."
Kaz slid his hands up to rest against his hips and pulled him closer to the edge of the desk so that they were close, staring down at him intently. "I wish that you'd told me you felt like this earlier." He said genuinely, and Wylan wrapped his arms around his shoulders. "I could spend hours telling you why you're wrong and why I like you as much as I do, but it's not about what I think. It's about what you think. And in this case, you're wrong." He dipped his head slightly, and kissed Wylan's forehead. Let out a quiet sigh. "Baby, baby, baby," He whispered against his skin, shaking his head, "Inej and I ended for a reason. I promise you that. You and I? Ghezen, we've got so much to look forward to. I wouldn't risk your trust for anything. I wouldn't risk you and Jules and Marianne for anything, and more than anything else, I would not lie to you. I've only got eyes for you. You're the man for me. That's not changing."
Something in him definitely quietened in that, and he nodded his head a little. He tightened his arms around Kaz's neck and nodded once again. "Tell me what I can do to help you feel better about this." Kaz murmured, stepping forward and wrapping his arms tightly around him. Wylan turned his head to the side and rested his head against his heart as he thought. Kaz's hands flattened out against his lower back. "I'll let her know about us, if you want. I'll tell all of Ketterdam that I'm yours and you're mine, if that's what you want. Anything you need. Just say the word, Wylan."
With a tiny smile, Wylan tilted his head up to look up at him. Of all of that, there was one thing in particular that was going to stick in his mind. Kaz had never said it like that before. "You're mine, and I'm yours?"
Kaz faltered a little, but his thumbs kept rubbing up and down against his spine. "I would like that, honestly. If it was something that you wanted." He stared at the shorter man for a moment, and then seemed to think something, and his hands stilled, "No. No, that's not the way that I wanted to do this." He let out a short breath and pulled back, framing Wylan's face between his hands, "You're all I want. Seriously. I wouldn't lie to you, not ever, and when I look at you, I know that you're all I want. I haven't felt like this, not ever, not with Inej. Not anyone. And I intent to cherish this, cherish us, for as long as you're going to let me." He whispered, and kissed Wylan's nose lightly. "I would like to make you happy for a very, very long time. If you'd let me." He pulled back, and Wylan felt a bit like his heart was going to crawl up his throat. "Will you be my boyfriend?"
"Of course. Of course I would." Part of Wylan wanted to think about it, consider it, but they were already acting as though they were in a relationship. He liked Kaz, a lot, and Kaz made him very happy. That was what counted. Kaz would treat him well. He really, really, really, liked him. Thought about him all the time. "Yeah." He confirmed once again, looking up at him, "I would love to be your boyfriend."
A rush of air came from Kaz, and his head dropped to Wylan's, laughing softly, "Fucking hell, I was genuinely kind of nervous about this." Wylan tilted his head up a little to kiss him softly, because he felt like it was an easy way to tell him that there was no need to be nervous. That there was no way that Wylan would have ever said no to him, not after they were pretty much together anyway. Not after Wylan felt so enamoured by the very same man that he'd woken up next to for the past few days, not after everything they'd been through together even now. He felt very much as though he could kiss Kaz forever.
"You didn't have to be." Wylan whispered, and curled his hands through Kaz's hair, kissed him lightly again, "How could anyone ever say no to you?" He asked quietly, and then slid his hands to rest against Kaz's shoulders. "I'm sorry about feeling like that with Inej. It's not like I don't trust you, I completely do. Of course I do. I think my insecurity just got the best of me, because sometimes I can feel like... Like I'm not a good match for you, I guess."
"I'll be honest with you, I thought the same. But you proved me wrong." Kaz looked at him for a minute and shrugged a little, kissed his nose, "I thought that I needed someone more like me when it came to- my job, and things. Someone like Jesper or Inej. But especially because Inej and I broke up, and because of how much time that we have spent together, it's become evident that you are a much better match. I need someone to balance me out like you do. I need someone I can let my walls down with, someone who wears their emotions on your sleeve like you do, because it makes me feel like I can do the same. You are so, so, good for me. I know that. You know that. And I would like to spend forever making you happy, but I'll save the rest of that speech for when I propose." His voice took on a teasing tone, but Wylan kind of hoped that it would happen, one day.
"Thank you. I know you wouldn't be here unless you wanted to be." Wylan kissed him lightly again, because Kaz Brekker never did anything that he didn't want to do. That was something that any of his friends knew, and Wylan knew it in particular. Kaz wouldn't be here if he didn't really want to be.
"So, do you want me to tell Inej? Shout it from the rooftops of the Slat?" He offered, brushing his lips over Wylan's jaw lightly. His hands slid back around his waist and looped around there as Wylan looked at him. Appreciated him. "I would do anything to make you feel better. You know that. And I would do so happily, because I know that you would do the same for me." He used one hand to tilt back his chin and kiss lightly over his neck. "You mean so much to me. So, so, so much to me. Fucking everything."
Wylan would happily melt under his hands and mouth, stay here forever, keep Kaz with him. Hear him talk like this. Touching him like this. "I know. It's okay, don't bother, I feel better about it now. She can find out as she may, I don't want you to feel like you have to tell her for me. I'm happy with our relationship, and I trust you, and I don't need to tell other people to prove that. You know?" He was breathless once Kaz's mouth opened and he started sucking gently at his neck, his hands sliding to hold Wylan's hips. Pull him closer until he was sat on the very edge of Kaz's desk. "Kaz..."
"Sorry. Distracted." He murmured, and pressed a light kiss to the mark he'd made, and pulled back to look at him. "I agree. Yes. There is no need to flaunt the way I feel about you, all that matters to me is that you know how I feel." He kissed Wylan for a moment and nodded in a way that conveyed his satisfaction with their conversation. "I'm happy with you. All I want is for you to be happy with me, too. Whatever you need, I'll give it to you."
"I need you," Wylan murmured, and pulled him a little closer so that he could hug him again. "Every way that you come. That's all. I mean... it's a lot, I guess, in some ways. You're a whole ass person, but I want to love all the little bits of you. You're what I want to be happy." He admitted softly, and for the first time in a while, it didn't leave that guilty feeling in the bottom of his stomach like he was betraying Jesper in some way- he knew that Jesper would want him to do this. To find peace outside of himself, someone to rely on, and he could admit that Kaz made him feel safe, protected, happy. All the time. Kaz had never made him feel as though he had to be nervous, or on edge, and every time he had he'd done nothing short of everything he could to help Wylan.
"Well you have me. I'm yours." Kaz Brekker. Dirtyhands. The Bastard of the Barrel. Demjin.
Wylan's.
He felt giddy with happiness. "Come here." Wylan endeavoured, and tilted his head upward so that he could kiss him again- Kaz seemed more than happy too, his thumbs rubbing back and forth over his hips. He thought all the nicknames that Kaz had earned, while they might have been well deserved when they were allocated, where anything but now. He was the most caring person that Wylan knew. He didn't admit it very often, but if Wylan was honest, then he liked that he was the only person that saw this side of Kaz in a pretty selfish way. That Kaz trusted him with the softer sides of himself- it made him feel warm.
What made him feel even more warm, though, was the way that Kaz kissed him. Like Wylan personally ensured that the sun came up in the morning. Like Kaz would happily spend the rest of his life appreciating him. Wylan let out a quiet, contented, breath, and pulled away to look at Kaz for a long moment. "We've been away for quite a while," Kaz murmured, "I'd be happy to spend the rest of my life in here with you, but we should probably socialise. Especially if we want to get home to Jules and Marianne not too late." He pointed out, and Wylan let out a sigh. Nodded. "Trust me, I wish that we could stay here. But you'll be glad to hear I'm done with business for the night, so I'm all yours."
"Good. Good." Wylan smiled softly and then kissed him once again. "Everything okay within the Dregs?" He asked, tilting his head. He knew that Kaz kept everything within the Dregs well under control, so the question was pretty moot. Kaz was very much in control of everything that he did, the Dregs more than anything.
"Mm, yes. There's been some ruckus among the lower ranks, but it's under control." Kaz murmured, and shrugged his shoulders a little, leaning back in to kiss Wylan again, and despite what they'd said, Wylan kind of wanted to stay here with him. But they had all the time in the world to be alone. "It's very easy to get people to do what you want, really. I now have the added benefit of already being known and feared, so, that's good. But for the most part, other people do the work for me. You wouldn't think it, but people are actually desperate to be my friend."
It didn't surprise him by any stretch of the imagination. Many of these people wanted to climb the ranks of his organisation, and befriending the boss wasn't going to harm their chances in that. "Doesn't surprise me. A lot of the younger merchers want to be friends with me, because they want my experience, or because they think that I can get them somewhere." He nodded his head, and grinned at him, "I bet they go right back on their resolve when they actually get to know you."
"Nothing ever tops the Crows. Nothing." Kaz shrugged a little, his hands roaming over Wylan's back as he thought, "A lot of people hear about the Ice Court job and think that we must be some legendary group, and while- I guess I can agree to that, we did the impossible- they don't realise that we're just as human as them. And I like it that way. There's one person that I will let see me as less than the monster that I portray to the outside world." He squeezed his back lightly. "And that's because he already knows that I'm not that. But most of the time, having people think that I'm something to be feared works so entirely in my favour most of the time. It makes me the reason that the Dregs hasn't fallen into anarchy yet. And I know that maybe it makes me sound full of myself, but it's true."
"Mmm, I would argue that there are four people that you let your guard down with." There had been five, once. "Maybe you don't want to admit it, but I thin that it's true. You've grown to love us." Wylan grinned a little and looked up at him, "But yes, the success of the Dregs is largely due to you. I'll agree. But you do have to give your dues to those who have made that possible, but most of the time, it has been you. I agree." He tilted his head up, kissed Kaz again. Wondered why he couldn't keep his hands off him. "We have all the time in the world to be together, we should go and spend some time with our friends." He whispered, even if he kind of didn't want to.
"I don't want to." Kaz stared at him for a long minute, "Nina and Matthias and Inej aren't going anywhere. They'll still be there tomorrow. I want to appreciate my boy at the minute," He shrugged, and Wylan felt fondness for Kaz curl in his gut. "We can go and see them any time that we want. Obviously, if that's something that you want, then we can do that. But I would like to spend my time tonight showing you exactly how much you mean to me, if you would let me do so." Could he say no to that? No. Definitely not. Because if he was honest with himself, then he wanted that, too.
"You know how much you mean to me, too, right?" Wylan murmured, letting his eyes move over the sharp, edges of Kaz's face. He was used to pressing his hands against Jesper and seeing the sharp contrast between the pale of his skin and the darkness of Jesper's, but Kaz was almost as pale as he was. He had a lack of the smattering of freckles on Wylan's face, and his hair was the most jet black that it could get, though Wylan did feel as though it lightened just slightly in the summer time, and the hints of dark brown were showing up. His eyes, deep and intense and the same colour as dark coffee or, when he woke up, a colour of chocolate. He was stunning. Lean muscle, tall and confident, the rasp in his voice so perfect and so Kaz. Everything that Kaz did was perfect. Perfect.
"Yes. But that's not what I want to do today. You can have your time to appreciate me, today is about you. How great you are. How much I like you, appreciate you and just want you. Look at you. I never want you to forget how gorgeous you are, not ever, because you are. On in the inside and the out." Kaz whispered to him, shaking his head a little, "I have always thought you were objectively pretty, but I didn't realise just how amazing you were until I took the time to understand and appreciate you. And if everyone else in Ketterdam and the world did that, then I fully believe that this world would be a hugely better place."
Wylan laughed a little, looking up at him, "I don't want to be understood and appreciated by everyone. I've always been more of one to have, you know, a small circle. I like my friendship circle small because it means that I have the time for everyone, and because I know that it's... secure? I don't know if that's the right word."
"No, it is. I get it." Kaz assured, nodding his head, keeping peppering kisses over his face, "I'm the same. It's hard to trust a lot of people at once, and having a smaller group of friends means that you can feel safer with them. It's more of a family." He let out a long breath and pulled back, looking at Wylan again, "That's what you guys have become to me. You're not my friends anymore, you're my family. You, in a different way, but the same basis. I would do anything for any of you, if it was something that you needed. Nina, Matthias, Inej, you... you all mean a lot to me." He leaned forward, kissed the shell of his ear and whispered quietly, "If I'm honest with myself, then you more than anything. You mean the whole world to me. You are my whole world."
Hearing him speak like this made Wylan forget why in Ghezen he ever felt threatened by Inej or that Kaz would want someone other than him, because he felt nothing short of completely treasured by this man. "You mean so much to me, too." Wylan murmured, dropping his head forward to rest it against Kaz's chest. He thought for a long moment. "Uh, I mean, when Jesper died, I just... I wanted to fuckin' shut down, you know. Like, I didn't want to do anything, see anyone, I just wanted to cry and shout and be angry at fucking everything. I felt like there was nothing left in the world that could ever compare to Jesper, the way that he made he feel. Like I'd lost everything." Despite himself, Wylan felt his eyes mist slightly. He took a deep breath. "I genuinely don't know where I would be without you. You did so much for me, and you don't know it, and I will never stop being so grateful to you for that. And Jules, and Marie, and..." Wylan laughed a little, glancing up at Kaz, "She called you dad the other day, you know? You mean everything to me in a way that I didn't think anyone else would ever mean to me ever again."
He was completely surprised to hear Kaz Brekker of all people take a shaky inhale. Sniff. Wylan didn't like the thought that he had upset him, and so pulled back to look at him, his hands resting flat against Kaz's chest. "I'm sorry, I'm not-" Kaz lifted a pale hand, wiped under his eyes, "I'm not sad. It's not sad tears. Fuck, I don't even know why I'm fucking crying in the first place, I just-" He let out a short breath. Closed his eyes. "I guess I never thought that I would be a dad." His head dropped to Wylan's shoulder, and he breathed out again, long and show. "I would be more than fine if neither of your kids ever thought of me like that. But I just, when I was a kid, you know... I missed my mum and dad like that, and the idea of being a figure of good in shaping someone life when for all of mine I've felt- felt, inadequate, because of mine- I just- I-"
Wylan was pretty certain he was one of very few people who had ever held a crying Kaz Brekker in his arms. He tightened his arms around Kaz's shoulders, kept him close, pressed his head into the crook between his shoulder and neck. "Well, you haven't heard the best of it yet, then." He murmured, one of his hands running through Kaz's hair, the other rubbing circles at the bottom of his neck, "Julian has been calling you dad for a weeks. Months, probably. He hasn't said it to your face because he's afraid that you won't like it and he made me swear not to tell you, but- he has always, always idolised you. He just thinks the absolute world of you. Being a dad isn't about- fathering children in the conventional way, trust me. It's deeper than that. It's loving your kids, giving them the best, constantly trying to better yourself for them. It's talking them through what they've done wrong. It's unconditional love. And, Kaz, you've been doing that for months."
"I don't feel worthy of them." Kaz muttered, shaking his head a little, "They're so good and pure and I'm not. I'm not. I feel like, at the end of the day, I'm a liar, a cheat, a thief. I've taken advantage of people, hurt them. I'd happily do so again if it was for the people that I care about. And they don't need to learn that kind of shit with me, they need someone patient and kind and happy and- and who hasn't done all the shit that I've done for a reason. Dirtyhands because there's nothing too low for me, right? Your kids shouldn't learn their mannerisms and their thing from me. They deserve better than that."
"You are patient and kind and you treat them the same way that you treat me. With the utmost care and attention. Trust me, everything that makes a man a dad, you are to them, Kaz. You are. And maybe you won't feel like that for a while, and maybe for a while you won't want them to call you that, but it's true, nevertheless. And you'll figure that out." Wylan murmured, "I'll support you and help you in any way that I can, any way that you will allow me to. That's what we've always been about."
Kaz stayed like that for a moment before he pulled back and was kissing Wylan again, his hands holding Wylan steady against him, and Wylan pressed his hands to either side of his cheeks. Kept him close. "I love you." Kaz whispered, his eyes closed, his head shaking lightly. "I love the absolute hell out of you, Wylan. I know that we've literally been together officially for less than an hour, but I've been falling in love with you for a year. And I fall more in love with you every fucking day. Every day. And I'll never stop telling you." He swallowed hard, staring at Wylan, "You don't have to say it. I know, after everything, Jesper and-"
"Shut the fuck up." Wylan was grinning from ear to ear, because he hadn't felt this happy in such a long time. "I love you, too."