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It took three glasses for him to to find the courage to do it.
Three wasn't a remarkable number of glasses to drink. One was normal, two was possible, three was adventurous, but those three swallowed one after another was desperate, irresponsible.
Still, three glasses were what it took for him to lose his inhibitions, and that was his intention. He intended to socialise. To have fun. To stop worrying so much, maybe.
What was he worried about? The way the world was going. The weather changing, seasons moving, Asougi Kazuma applying for the exchange program.
It would be childish of Ryuunosuke to complain about it. After all, Kazuma had great dreams, and he'd take the necessary steps to realize them, even if that meant leaving the country and everything in it, a toy you'd grown out of.
Ryuunosuke wouldn't make it hard for him. After all, they were friends before anything, and a good friend would smile.
__
The bar was warm and dimly lit in contrast to the cold weather outside. For Naruhodou Ryuunosuke, every object, as well as every person's outlines were blurred around the edges, a poorly developed photograph. Distantly, there was an argument between a bunch of patrons, but Ryuunosuke paid no mind.
Someone had an arm thrown under his shoulder, connecting their two bodies from arm to chest to waist, possibly to keep Ryuunosuke from tipping over, possibly not to tip over himself. It was the camaraderie of a western uniform, maybe. When you wanted to drink yourself to death because of an impending loneliness, and you came upon a star pinned collar same as yours, naturally you'd turn to that person.
Still, their balance wasn't good. They swayed time to time. Ryuunosuke would sway left, and the person would sway right, and somehow they'd stand unfallen together. They had been at this act for half an hour now.
To put a stop to it, this constant tidal swinging, Ryuunosuke gripped his newfound friend by the nape, pulled their heads near each other, leaned in close.
"Did you know that my partner is a certified attorney?"
__
Ryuunosuke was good at talking, he had discovered, when there was three glasses of alcohol running through his veins. His mouth flew open and words tumbled out of him before he could even register them, like the archived files and folders of information kept neatly inside his head had scattered loose.
"-And he always looks so good in his uniform, ridiculously so. I wonder where he got it?"
The person who was holding him up, some guy from the same department of their university, who was wearing an identical uniform, said, "You're wearing the same uniform as him."
"I am?" Ryuunosuke looked down. The gold buttons were open, untidy, sort of like Kazuma after one too many drinks. "Ah, I am. Anyway, he's so passionate, you know? The kind of man who makes you think, 'Oh, compared to him, I'm just a phantom. This guy's on a whole different level.' But he's so nice!"
The guy tiptoed, dragged Ryuunosuke along with him, closer to the counter to grab the last beer just ordered. It was a clear, glass cup, and Ryuunosuke felt it would break if he touched it. "Yeah, Asougi's pretty intense."
"There's so much fire in him, it's amazing. He's amazing. When he gets excited, his eyes light up."
"Ehh. He takes biology class with science students, and they say he's the worst sometimes."
"Are you a forensic student? Kazuma takes classes with them."
"No, I think- I think we're both English students." The guy took a swig of his beer, gave the rest to Ryuunosuke. "Here, drink. We're not nearly drunk enough to talk about Asougi Kazuma of all people."
"Thank you, Coroner." Ryuunosuke managed to say, and spilled some of the beer on himself. He tried again, and managed to drink it. Didn't even drop it. Success! "Kazuma told me a coroner is a doctor who cuts open dead bodies."
The guy, whom Ryuunosuke had already decided was a coroner, shook his head. "I'm not a coroner, man. What was I saying? Oh, right. Asougi's unbearable to be around if you question his knowledge. He'll prove it or die trying. I heard he got in a fight with that, uh, that prosecution student guy the other day. The one with the topknot."
"I know!" Ryuunosuke agreed. "He can't stand losing, it's great! He goes red in the face, starts stuttering and tripping over his words, and squares up his shoulders like a-a-" He shook the glass in place of snapping his fingers. "Like a bird with feathers. What birds have feathers, Coroner?"
The man leveled a blank stare at Ryuunosuke a while, considered the question. It was entirely possible the two were too drunk to be talking about anything, leave aside Asougi Kazuma. "Feathered birds? Wait, I know this. I know this."
"Anyway, he squares up and puffs away angrily, totally like a sparrow. Hey, sparrows have feathers, right?"
"Maybe? If they're birds, they probably do."
"Kazuma's like a sparrow!"
"Isn't that an insult? Sparrows are really small birds. And cute. Asougi is absolutely not."
Ah, he, Asougi Kazuma, so wittingly clever, sharp with his tongue, who's temple brought along a fresh breeze, who's broad back Ryuunosuke could watch until the end of time and never feel the lack or absence of thrill.
He was really cute.
"He's still a sparrow." Ryuunosuke said, "A gallant, passionate, dashing sparrow."
"A sparrow, huh? You're really half-gone." The guy said, and detangled the glass from Ryuunosuke's hand. "Didn't he get to the finals of that exchange thing?"
Ryuunosuke didn't know what type of face he made, but it probably wasn't enough to show the unease he felt about that. "Shh, coroner. I'm trying not to think about it.
The guy looked at him sort of pityingly, made Ryuunosuke feel like a flower on the sidewalk, half crushed by the constant steps, unable to stop holding on, unable to let go. "Right," he said. "You two are bound by the hip. You'll be pretty alone if he wins."
"When he wins. Who can beat Kazuma?"
"Given name too! You're always going 'Asougi, Asougi' at the university, but you're saying Kazuma now! You'll be really alone if he wins."
"I know. Stop saying it. And pretend I didn't say his name, I can't really... filter my thoughts right now. I'm not actually supposed to think about him right now, ha."
"You've been telling me about him for what- an hour? Two hours?
"I know. I know all that already, so talk about something else."
The guy stood there for a second, one hand holding up Ryuunosuke, one hand holding his drink, thinking of something not relating to Kazuma.
"Did you see the Russian ballet troupe Novavich a while ago?" He settled on. "They're touring the world, and stopped in Japan too."
"I didn't, but Kazuma did... He wouldn't stop talking about the gracefulness of it, or whatever..."
"Uh... Apparently, my cousin quit his job to have a long travel around Shikoku-"
"Kazuma is from Shikoku..."
"...I liked your translation in English class the other day?"
"Kazuma also liked my translation."
"God, man, you're not doing a great job at not thinking about him."
Ryuunosuke reached over, took a swig of the guy's beer, swallowed the urge to bury himself somewhere."I... don't want him to leave."
"I can tell."
It was miserable, this longing thing. Someone was crying about his business. Another one was complaining about the emperor. Ryuunosuke, and a man who's name he didn't bother learning, were standing in silence. He closed his eyes, thought about the many words in language, none of them able to perfectly summarise what he was feeling.
"Hey, aren't those his red ribbons flapping around?"
He'd never opened his eyes as fast. "Where?"
The guy waved his hand in the midst of the bar, motioning someone in the crowd over here. "There comes your Asougi.
The blurred lights parted to make way for a figure. A streak of red. A taut frame. An expression; brows furrowed, mouth downturned, the very picture of worry. Ryuunosuke wanted to reach over and grasp that face, smother it in- in- something akin to affection but not quite. Couldn't be as simple as one word.
"Naruhodou!" He heard when his ears started working again, spat in such a fierce fashion it made heads turn, it made the planet Earth tilt, just a little. "I've been looking for you!"
Ryuunosuke shrugged off his classmate's arm, took a step forward towards his Kazuma, and nearly smoked his face on the floor.
Thankfully, Kazuma rushed to catch him in time, to gather Ryuunosuke in his arms. "You- how much did you drink?"
Ryuunosuke gripped onto the steady arms, feeling a bit like a ball of wool coming undone. Kazuma always did that to him, always pulled at the carefully strung strands of Naruhodou Ryuunosuke, like a cat with a ball of yarn, intent on seeing what was underneath all the layers. "Just three... I'm fine, though. I don't want to go home yet."
"You can't even stand on your own." Again, he adjusted Ryuunosuke, supported his balance better. Pulled at the strings. "Really, it's not like you to be irresponsible like this."
"I'm not irresponsible, I just - Kazuma, there's..."
A hand on his back, splaying fingers open, pressing warmth. Why was he so warm? "There's what?"
"...There's two of you, which one should I talk to?"
Kazuma made an indignant sound. Ryuunosuke would've said something about it but alas, there were three glasses of beer running through him.
The bar was a kaleidoscope. Once, as a child, Ryuunosuke had looked though one of those for far too long, lost in the colours and lights, and overwhelmed himself.
Kazuma placed him on a seat, gentle. "Sit down." A cough. "Pardon! A glass of water, thank you. Naruhodou, look at me?"
"What is it?"
The five digits of his hand, stretched outward. "How many fingers am I holding up?"
Ryuunosuke slumped on the table with a groan. His head span with alcohol and pity, a spinning top toy with dull colours. "Five."
"Good."
Eventually, when he grew bored, he peeked at Kazuma. Sitting in front of him, watching out for any other sign of sickness in case he needed to drag Ryuunosuke outside. The hilt of his sword ever present, and his hand coming to rest upon it now and then.
He seemed to be lost in thought, though. About something interesting, something Ryuunosuke would probably want to know. Maybe he could coax it out of him if he reached over, held Kazuma between two hands, held the world in his palm from Arctic to Atlantic.
"Naruhodou." Squared up shoulders, pursed lips. When he tilted his head, the light appeared around him like a halo. "Are you sure you're well?"
It was so warm in the building. "I want dango."
"...What?"
"Kazuma." Ryuunosuke reached over the table, gripped that hand he'd been long meaning to. He felt feverish, unsure if the word dango meant a dessert or a kiss, "I want dango."
"Where am I supposed to find that now...? Would yakitori do?"
"How are those two any similar?"
"Hm. They're both skewered. Besides, we shouldn't linger too much. We get you sobered up enough to walk, and go to your dorm. Got it?"
He kept the hand on the table, because it was warm. Did it need anymore excusing? It was warm, and Ryuunosuke wanted that warmth, and if he thought anymore about Kazuma's hands he was going to reach over the table to kiss him.
The drinking businessmen, the grey haired bartender, the university students had all mixed together, the vision of looking through a foggy window. Or an oil painting. Bright, vivid, indescribable.
If this were a painting, Asougi would be the focus. He'd nail a sharp glare on the viewer, and grasp the hilt of his Karuma. This is a man of passion, it would make you think, and the subject is very breathtaking indeed.
Samurai with a Mission, it could be named, or something as sappy as that.
Then again, Ryuunosuke didn't know about paintings. All he knew was a handful of English poetry, and if he had to pick one of those to bestow on Kazuma, it'd be something about resolve.
The hand under his own moved a little. Ryuunosuke kept a hold over it, thinking of what to do, denying himself, then finally giving in and leading it over the table to press it onto his face, the ball of Kazuma's hand coming over his eyelid. The hand flexed almost imperceivably, but it accommodated to Ryuunosuke's features.
Kazuma's skin always burned hot, hot enough to leave branding mark, maybe. He could've burned Ryuunosuke on the day of the speech contest when he grabbed him by the shoulders, an inferno of a man, asking like a lunatic, 'How did you speak so eloquently?'
You'd never meet anyone like him. There was no one like him. Even back then Ryuunosuke had known, had thought to himself 'No other person gets this worked up over losing, surely?'
He closed his eyes as the world kept spinning, people kept drinking, life kept continuing, yet it all kept going somewhat coldly, because all the warmth in the world was here, pressed tenderly into Ryuunosuke's aching eye.
"Naruhodou," Kazuma said, voice uncharacteristically tight. "Drink this."
"Hm?"
The hand, nudging him slightly, as if to tell him to open his eyes without a word. "Your water. Hey, are you feeling worse?"
"I'm fine. I just want..."
Relief. Relief, I want relief. Can you give me that?
Kazuma leaned in as if indulging in a secret, an intensity to his eyes, his right hand's fingers curled around the glass so tightly it had to hurt. "What would relieve you?"
"I missed you."
"I've been here for a while."
"I missed you then too. I miss you always. I'll miss you when you're gone."
"...You're rambling." Kazuma pulled his taut hand from Ryuunosuke's face, pressed the cup's mouth to his lips. "Drink it before you pass out. We'll leave in a moment."
"Are you going to take me home?"
"We'll go to your dorm. Do you mind if I crash the night there?"
"I don't. You should stay over. Often." After a gulp of water, he added, "As often as you can."
Kazuma placed the glass on the table, swept his fingers over Ryuunosuke's cheek. Then, as if he'd only become aware of their surroundings, he removed his hand completely. "Come on, I'll help you. We can walk together."
"We really can't."
"Why couldn't we?"
"You'll leave the country, remember?"
A sigh. Kazuma getting under his arm, holding onto his waist. Lifting them off the seat. "The test's results haven't even been decided. I may have failed spectacularly for all you know."
Ryuunosuke bit back laughter. An urge bursted open inside of him, a need for a quiet place, starting from pushing Asougi away to running, running, running through the streets until he didn't recognize them, until he collapsed from exhaustion.
Asougi Kazuma, who had burned for that exam hotter than anything Ryuunosuke had felt, and failure? The two pictures just wouldn't overlap.
Was Ryuunosuke upset? Maybe. There was a bittersweetness to this love thing, with it's many, many opposing faces. One part could cheer for Kazuma's success, the other part could admit his own trepidation. After all, who could be completely alright with never seeing their closest person again?
From illness or a broken heart, if I were to drop dead a week after your departure...
"You won't lose. You make me really proud, you know?"
Kazuma pushed past the doorway into the outer world, away from the drunken atmosphere. The street was laced with cold. November was generally warm, kind, but the heat had dropped lower and lower these past few days, as if to announce the forthcoming parting moment.
"You think of me too highly, Naruhodou."
"And you're too modest. You've been working so hard, it's only natural you'd achieve your goals. I'm happy for you, but still I..."
"...You still what? Don't trail off, let me know of what you're thinking. I can't read your mind now, can I?"
You probably can, Ryuunosuke thought, and kicked a stray pebble, watched it tumble into the crook of a building. "I'll miss you."
A bristle. "We'll send letters. Telegrams. Photographs. You won't be alone."
"How far away is Britain, anyway? A month, two months? Not worth it to read a letter from that much time ago, if you ask me."
Kazuma's gaiters, knocking into his own legs now and then. Kazuma's breath, only slightly ragged, like dragging a dead weight meant nothing to him, like this were a casual walk. "Then, what do you suggest we do?"
What to do, indeed? Perhaps Ryuunosuke was supposed to cling to him, beg him, repeating like a forlorn fool, stay with me, but he wouldn't do that. What kind of friend would that make? Or perhaps he was simply supposed to suck it up and see Kazuma off from the port himself, but that was the initial plan, nothing new to suggest there.
When observed from any direction, the undeniable truth was that Asougi Kazuma couldn't be stopped from fulfilling his goals, and Naruhodou Ryuunosuke couldn't dare to put himself between the man and his dream, so unfortunately, there wasn't anything to do.
"You could stay the night." Ryuunosuke offered. "You could give me an unforgettable month before you leave."
"You say that like a dying man, Naruhodou. This will be temporary. We'll see each other again."
A turn there. Another here, and in their view was the building in which most students lived. The road here would be unforgettable, for sure.
"And if we never do?"
"We will. I swear it." He said, pausing at the bottom of the staircase. Really, who was he trying to fool? Ryuunosuke had resigned himself to the fact that he'd see Asougi's name again on the newspaper ten years later, so what were these comfortings for?
A stumble there, a wrong step here, and Kazuma paused their slow trot.
Moving again, adjusting them again, pressing a reassuring hand to Ryuunosuke's back. "Who thought to assign your room on the fourth floor? Wrap your arms around me, you're going to fall down otherwise."
"You'll carry me?"
"I will. Now, hook your arms, just like that."
Kazuma counted to three, lifted Ryuunosuke up, carried him like a prize rather than a burden. Ryuunosuke held tighter instinctively, sighing when they didn't lose their balance.
"What if we fall together?" He asked, leaning his head on Kazuma's shoulder, trying to commit the plane of it to memory.
"I won't let that happen. And if we do, then that's my fault, so you can fall on me."
"What are you going to say if anyone sees us?"
"Hmm. I'll say you got too drunk to climb the stairs, so, the truth."
A half hearted hit on Kazuma's shoulder, followed by the strongest itch to kiss it, make it's slight pain dim. "Are you trying to start a rumor? I don't want to be called a drunkard."
"Then I shall lie, and say I got drunk, came upon you at the bar, then decided take you to my dorm because I mistook you for a woman."
The urge to soothe the pain vanished. "What kind of eyesight do you need to mistake me for a woman?"
A chuckle. "A drunkard's, that's for sure."
A few more steps upstairs. Ryuunosuke closed his eyes, because the vertigo was beginning to get to him. What a dizzying thing it was, being a bother. "Hey. Isn't it hard, both talking and carrying me?"
"...Not really. You weigh a couple of grapes."
"Put me down, please."
Ryuunosuke practically heard Kazuma grin, because he took enjoyment in it, flustering Ryuunosuke until he'd object to it. Maybe it was written into his marrow. "In a moment. Do you feel like throwing up yet?"
"No, I'm fine."
He probably should've drank more, more than enough to last him a few months. Maybe he should've dozed off the moment Kazuma picked him up, so that he wouldn't have another memory to miss down the line. Maybe he should've pushed away from him, should've disappeared into the November night like an insomniac's hallucination.
In the end, he still couldn't say no to Kazuma.
Defeated, Ryuunosuke wished that the hall had somehow become longer than usual, that this moment would last longer. Himself, leaning to the material world and back, like a swaying meadow-stalk, and Kazuma, wrapped by darkness, his chest filling with soothing breath, so close Ryuunosuke could taste the exhale like a kiss.
"Naruhodou, I need your keys."
Damn.
He blindly searched for his pocket, careful not to disturb the stance of Kazuma, careful not to topple them both over. "Come closer to the doorway. I'll open it."
Then, with a sudden fear, since his hold had reduced to one arm, he added, "Don't let me go."
Of course."
His hands wavered. He missed the keyhole the first time. Again he tried, and one more time. Fourth and fifth. At sixth, he succeeded, and the door opened.
Kazuma trembled. His hands trembled, and his chest trembled, and his shoulders trembled with unspilled laughter, that outburst of a sound Ryuunosuke wanted to cradle, hold close to his heart. "Excellent work, partner."
"It was a team effort."
Kazuma walked them into the dorm, closed the door behind him with a push, and deposited Ryuunosuke where stone gave way to tatami, hands lingering on his back longer than they had to.
Ryuunosuke leaned his face against the wall. A sudden wave of nausea had washed over him. Three glasses on an empty stomach, four stories of being carried, and yet he didn't think it was the former nor the latter that caused him to break out in a sweat.
He would be alright, Ryuunosuke thought. People adapted to situations. Kazuma would thrive in England, burning ever brighter every day, and as for Ryuunosuke... He would live, probably. Albeit on a colder and quieter world, but he would live.
"-dou. Naruhodou. Are you conscious?"
Ryuunosuke snapped open his eyes. Kazuma's figure looked the steadiest as it did tonight, knelt in front of him, didn't blur in Ryuunosuke's vision. His own hands reached out, not listening to their owner one bit, one caught his shoulder, the other one caught his hand. "Kazuma."
"What is it?"
There was a grief growing inside of him, threatening to pour out of his lips with every second, so he only said his friend's name, the one thing in the room straight and true. "Kazuma-"
If Kazuma were to take a hammer and bludgeon Ryuunosuke's brains out, he would find-
He grasped the back of Kazuma's head and pulled the man down, let himself hit the floor, and locked their mouths together, as if doing so would keep his thoughts quiet, his own voice shut. It was desperate, it was foolish, it was warm, and he chased that warmth like the moon chased the sun.
Shaking off his surprise, Kazuma ran two palms down his sides. Down and up, down and up. He went along with the wordless requests, humoured Ryuunosuke like he was so wont to do. He pressed closer, impossibly closer, but there was still distance. A hair's width, an ocean's width, Ryuunosuke wanted more than that. Closer than a pulse, a heartbeat, closer to him than the flesh was to bone.
How could they melt into a single entity? Ryuunosuke tugged again, on the black clothes burning from the heat under, wrinkled in his white-knuckled grip, with every facet of him screaming stop being so far, weld us together already!
"Na-" Kazuma managed, moving away ever slightly, before Ryuunosuke's drew him in by the tufts of hair on his neck, refusing even a moment of separation. Maybe he was immature, shutting someone up with a kiss surely was, but he didn't even want to hear a name. Not a name, not a dream, not a fumbled speech being heckled with shouts of arise!
Only the urgency of this, trying to set sparks in his head, firecrackers going off like gunshots, completely burying any sorrow away from anyone's eyes to see.
Kazuma rushed to pull away again, startled by something, why was he startled? Wasn't Ryuunosuke the one who was supposed to be startled, as he had ironed himself to the floor by a smouldering heat?
Seeing as there was no way of letting go, Kazuma flattened his hands onto Ryuunosuke's chest, pushed him down to the ground and pulled away, gasping. "Naruhodou, you-" He said, concern etched over his features. "Are you alright?"
Ryuunosuke's brows furrowed. He sat up when the pressing hands gave way. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"Naruhodou, you're crying."
The dorm room was small. Ryuunosuke thought of it a whole world on it's own, one that he could do whatever he pleased in. Where he could declare those private words casually, the words that threatened to choke him if he didn't soon, to the only other member of it's population.
He hadn't wanted to make a fool of himself here in front of him.
"I'm not hurt. I'm..." Sad. Afraid. Petrified of losing you to the point of choking on words."I'm fine. I'll be fine."
Unfortunately, Kazuma had always been good at reading him.
"You are?" Kazuma asked, not convinced by the poor act.
"I really am." Ryuunosuke reassured. "I'll... I'll miss you. You won't leave my mind for years."
Kazuma sighed. "We'll see each other again, far sooner than years... You're strong, even if you don't know it. You'll be alright."
Someone who was strong, someone who would be alright, did that sound like Ryuunosuke?
"We might not."
"Why so pessimistic, Naruhodou? Believe in me, if you can't believe anything else."
"...I can't. You'll grow out of it, Asougi. We'll both grow out of it."
"I can't speak for you, Naruhodou, but I know I'll never feel otherwise."
The stress of these past few days crawled out of their box, stuck to his mouth like syrup. His throat was blocked, and the behind of his eye ached. "Is that what you tell yourself?" Stop it. "You'll be an ocean away, Kazuma." Stop talking. "If I were to fall ill, and I sent you a telegram about it, I'd be food for worms by the time you'd arrive on the country!"
"Naruhodou-"
"Or if you were lost in the sea, I wouldn't know you were dead until it made the front-page!"
"I won't-"
"Or - well, let's assume the best, and say neither of us went down-under. You'll settle in, Britain, I'll remain here, you'll meet new people, I'll remain here. Who's to say both of us will keep that promise of yours? Eventually, day by day, even if you don't want to..."
And now Kazuma was staring at him with wide eyes. Despite telling himself not to, Ryuunosuke had gone ahead and split his heart open for Kazuma to see, again.
Salvage it somehow. Blame it on the alcohol. Throw yourself out of the window. "Kazuma. You're my pride. I feel happy for you. That doesn't mean it's the only thing I feel."
Kazuma's hand, tangling into his own. Kazuma's breath centimetres in front of his own, the sharpness of his gaze dulled into something softer, more vulnerable. Telling him to keep going, pulling Naruhodou open to take a good look inside.
"I'll miss you. And let's not kid ourselves here, we'll grow unfamiliar to each other, day by day. You'll meet new people, experience new things, you might meet a more special person."
Almost childishly, Kazuma interrupted. "I won't. I will never."
"We'll be so far from each other, I wouldn't blame you. After all, I'm your friend, aren't I? I would do anything for you. I would swallow this- this grief, if it's for you. But I'm not so striking that I could be held onto for long. I'm fine with that, I am, so please..."
The rest of the sentence would not come. His hand reached out of it's own accord, clinging to where Kazuma's defense insignia looped around his arm. Another voiceless request, maybe. Go along with my whims once more, what would be the harm?
Kazuma didn't say anything for a while. Ryuunosuke wanted to play with the edge of his wrist guard, let the tension diffuse a bit, but he felt pinned by the way Kazuma sat there, expression half-grim, considering what to say next.
"You say you are, but I'm not fine with all this forgetting talk." He said at last.
"Aren't you?"
"It seems to me," Kazuma started, which brought another wave of nausea about, "that you believe I'm not as invested in you, as you are in me."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"When you said to me earlier, 'You'll grow out of it.' You paused, and added, 'We'll both grow out of it'. like an afterthought, something you'd tack at the end of your true feelings to make them seem agreeable. And I can guess what you were just thinking when you said that."
Trapped, like poor a debate student caught at the other end of Asougi Kazuma's spitfire arguments. Like a flower caught under a rickshaw's wheel. "...Tell me, then, what was I thinking?"
"What you were thinking was 'I'm convinced Asougi will leave me behind, even if I keep the memory like an open wound, so I best pretend I'm also in favour of this approaching separation.' So, that's strike one."
"That's ridiculous, Kazuma. I never thought that."
Kazuma had a dangerous look to him, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring. "Not outrightly, perhaps, but it's still relevant. Secondly, after we entered through your door, you told me, 'I'll miss you. You won't leave my mind for years.' and now you're telling me you're fine with me chasing skirts in England, because you're my friend?
The world outside kept going. It kept going coldly, because Kazuma had taken all the heat with him when he pulled away. "I never said anything like that! I only said I'll miss you."
Kazuma held up two fingers. "Strike two. You told me I might meet someone special, and we both know you didn't mean that in a friendly sense. Besides, that's not all it. Do you ever tell yourself that I'd also miss you?"
"Why would I-?"
"You are so easy to read, your expression is practically yelling, 'I'll miss him when he leaves, but he shouldn't bother doing the same for me, because I'm not as important to him as he is to me.'
"What is this, an interrogation? Do you want me to apologize for trying to make it easier for you? I said that I'll miss you because I will, I never meant anything beyond it... Look, I won't worry anymore if you don't want me to, so drop it, please."
"'You worry too much,' was not what I said. Finally, you said- how did it go? 'Who's to say both of us will keep that promise of yours? Eventually, day by day, even if you don't want to....'"
And he didn't finish the rest of it.
Ryuunosuke crossed his arms over his chest. "...So? What of it seems strange? Any contradictions there?"
"No, that may have been one of the only things you said from your heart. You said what I suspected. And I assume, forgive me if it's wrong, you meant to finish it with something like 'You'll completely forget about me, and I'll remain here.'
Ryuunosuke didn't say anything to that. When he looked into himself, he found there wasn't anything to say. Therefore he kept his silence, observed as the harsh exterior of Kazuma crumbled, and all the edge to him went away.
Ryuunosuke observed as the black clad arms wrapped around him, when Kazuma wrapped around him, when he pressed his head into Naruhodou's shoulder.
He didn't say anything as he snaked his own hands around Kazuma's back, and did the same. Breathed once, twice. The threatening sorrow returned to it's resting place. The lurking world went silent.
The persistent ache behind his eye curled into itself.
Kazuma moved against the dark to kiss Ryuunosuke's hair, pressed his fingers to the back of his head to tuck him even closer. A kiss to his temple, another kiss above. "You won't ever be forgotten." He muttered, words more felt than heard.
It felt sort of boyish, him insisting like this, a grass swept child holding up his pinky with blazing eyes. "Before you, there was nothing to it, nothing else to it."
"You'll be alright." Ryuunosuke said, relished in the way those arms tightened. "You don't need me."
"No, that's not true." Kazuma said, moving to kiss Ryuunosuke's cheek, his ear, his jaw. "You... slow everything down for me. It's like the world isn't going by like a whirlwind, for once."
Ryuunosuke tilted his head to the side as the lips dragged from his jaw to his throat, watched as the red headband fluttered in it's own wind, even like this. "Sounds like you get bored around me."
Kazuma shook his head. "You soothe me. You make me feel tranquil, as though everything will be alright." He kissed the metal pin on Ryuunosuke's collar, kissed the skin above it. "I can take on the world if I have you with me."
A treacherous smile grew on Ryuunosuke's face before he could help it. "Didn't you say something like that before?"
"I may have. After all, it's the truth. You were mistaken all along, partner, it's me who needs you."
Ryuunosuke tried to play it off cool when he coiled his arms over Kazuma's shoulders, around his throat, the half remembered warmth of being carried dictating his actions. "That's really high praise, Kazuma. But you're also mistaken. I need you more than you need me."
"Not up for debate."
Ryuunosuke pulled back a little, as little as he could get away with, to look at Kazuma's face. "It's not discussable if it's not your argument? I'm not a lawyer, but that sounds illegal."
"We'll I'm the lawyer out of the two of us. And I'm saying there's no room for argument."
"Technicalities. Besides, you haven't even graduated yet."
"Stop trying to fight me on this, Naruhodou. I meant it. I need you."
"We both need each other equally, then?"
"That's permissable."
Ryuunosuke tangled his hand through the Kazuma's hair, idly playing with the knot the red fabric. "...I'll live, you know. You don't need to worry about me. Maybe I'll pick up knitting, or something."
Kazuma interlaced their fingers together half-smoothly, an improvement since his first time. "I know. I trust you. I promise you, we'll make it work, together."
He would go. And Ryuunosuke would stay. And despite his sorrow and worry, he wouldn't ask him to stay. Because that was what good friends and family and lovers did. "Would it work? Us, separated by an ocean?"
"Separated, but still together."
In the dark room, with the time way past sensible hours, Ryuunosuke breathed in, out, and decided to take the plunge.
"...Alright." He said, tasting the words, leaning closer again until he didn't have to look Kazuma in the eye, until he felt completely enveloped by the hold. "Alright. Still together, then."
__
The day after, as he poured over a poem on his table, bearing the least subtle of headaches, Asougi Kazuma invited himself into his dorm. He leaned over Ryuunosuke's shoulder, expression determined, invaded each centimetre of Ryuunosuke's personal space.
"Partner." Kazuma said, as though he had no time nor tolerance for exchanging pleasantries, intent on cutting straight to the heart of the matter.
Ryuunosuke underlined a word on the page. "What is it?"
"If I win the exchange, I want you to come with me to England. We'll put you in a trunk, and sneak you through border control."
Ryuunosuke didn't say anything at first. He had half a mind to check if his tongue had fallen all the way down his throat, but eventually, when he managed to find his voice again, he turned to face the serious man, able to manage out an incredulous, "Did you hit your head somewhere?"